Page 541 ~ Watching from a distance

Days keep passing. Days turn into weeks... weeks into months... months into years. I find little time.. or perhaps interest in writing anymore. The only thing I can concentrate on is the children. If not for them... I'd have left this life long ago. Them and well Ash. It is hard.. not seeing much of Him other than when He sleeps. His warmth beside me night after night.. His firm yet gentle grip kept on an arm or leg... or even the light resting of a hand to my back or hip... allows me a few moments rest in the dark cold of night. If I am lucky to gain an Ahn of sleep when He is beside me... I know I jolt awake the moment the chill hits me when He leaves in the early morning Ahn's. Even beneath the cover of many furs... I am cold without Him. The only thing that remains is a feeling of the outline of His hand where it rested.. or the touch of His lips against mine as He kissed me goodbye for the day. He works too hard... much too hard in my opinion... but then again.. I am bias and wish more of His time to be spent with me. For this.. I cannot tell Him what it is that bothers me... because I know of His unbending will for Tribe above all. Sometimes... I tell myself it is Tribe above me... for that is truth. That is essentially what it is. As hard as it is... I am not the most important thing in His life. Or... so I had thought.
As fate would have it... tonight I was working on some medical journal's and tending to the dinner. I was fully engulfed in work.. keeping myself busy to ward off any ill idea's that would land me in hot water. I hadnt noticed Him arrive.. or the fact that for many Ehn's.. my Mate stood beside a wagon and watched me. Only after something I said to our youngest Son was repeated by Ash.. was I awakened to His presense. It is true.. part of me wanted to run to Him and squeeze the stuffing out of Him... yet.. that bitchy attitude brazen Wench part wanted to give Him a hard time and give back some of the hurt I was feeling. I wasnt nasty or mean.. just.. coy and cocky. Ash just laughed. This further infuriated me and I stood up with a wall between us. Damn Him. He cuts through me like a sword into hot butter. He needs no tools to get past that wall and into my space. He needs nothing more than His voice and that look He gives me. I had to break free of His gaze and get His dinner. I had to regroup and replan my attack or surely.. I would fall to His hand. So.. after getting His meal and drink I sat to a step beneath the one He took. Subjected to listening to Him.. I started to break. I had been a selfish bitch. I never thought of things the way He put them to me.. I didnt know.. or perhaps.. didnt care to remember.. just how much this Man loves me. In telling me.. Tribe above all... He said how He worked hard among the people day in and day out.. to make sure that things went well.. so that "His Silken" would be safe and protected within the circles. Skies... I felt like shit. I was guilty... guilty of being a heartless bitch who only thought about Herself. Yet.. He did not judge me or scold me for my emotions or reactions to such circumstances. Instead.. He embraced them and even apologized. *gulp* My heart sank deeper. I in turn apologized for acting how I did... and He smiled. If ever I was connected to someone.. it was Him. In the past I had only thought I was entwined in this life to a Mate.. I was lying to myself. I think I was well aquainted to the other's but on a different level. This time... it is for real. It goes deeper than I ever imagined could be. It is simple.. yet so complex. It is love and hate.. anger and contentment. Everything that could be expressed on an opposite spectrum of emotion ... and we bond tighter than a wet leather knot. How do I explain this to Him... to anyone?? I cannot. I can only be there when He needs warming at night.. I can make sure He is fed.. I can make sure I am there for Him when He needs me... and I can make sure that He knows.. I love Him. And.. I do.
Ive grown up and out in a totally different direction now. I am.. refined. Ohhhh I still have those rough and touch edges given the chance.. but I know I have someone to buff the sharp corners and mold me back into shape. I can wake up now every morning and be proud that I am His Mate. I can hold my head high and let other know that Im ok.
I may still faulter.. I may still slip into that dark abyss at times and wallow in self pity... but I have someone to reach a hand in and pull me out... brush off the dust and set me back on my feet. I love you Ash.
Its more than just red hair that brightens the day....
Its an inner light...
and yes...
you can see it now...
from a distance.