Page 528 ~ Natural Born Bully

I had every intent on attending the meeting last night. But it seemed the Sky had another plan for me. It started with me going to the kaiila pens to try and find Red. I had to move around... and this seemed a chore that would not upset anyone by my doing it. It was harmless. The pain in my back was becomming worse.. resting just made it more evident. So I walked. And walked. And walked. I wondered of the size of this baby more and more. Something was different. I wont say something was wrong... it was just.. unlike another child Ive carried. So.. In a way.. finding Kaeli and Ash and Cana at the pens.. was a small relief. I was able to speak to Kaeli and asked Her to check the baby for me. With my size.. I was unable to move my hands around my belly the right way to check things. She did so... and what happened during this.. changed the course of the night. She and Ash began teasing me. Kae said She heard three.. maybe more heartbeats. At least two for sure. Ash teased that six is what He heard. I was thrown into a panic. My emotions raced across the plains and I was ready to take a flying leap of the nearest moving wagon. That is... until Tarra arrived. She is always there when I need Her... this moment was no different. If I had subconsciously called Her or She just picked up on my need... She arrived and entered the wagon. There was no big drama... no fanfare.. She just did Her thing. I could tell by Her smile that everything was fine...... For now.

She announced... one huge baby. A boy. With a great set of lungs and a mouth like.... His parents. We both assumed Ash of course. Could not have been me. No. Not likely. Ash and Tarra got into their usually bit of tossing insults back and forth which.. normally amuses me. But tonight.. I was on edge. When I went to sit up... it hit me. A stabbing pain.. muscles contracting and my air left my lungs. Kaeli insisted I stay in Her wagon... but I was hell bent on attending the Ubar's meeting. Ash and Kae lost the battle and I was slowly making my way to the group. I tried to sit still.. I tried to keep quiet. Nothing worked. I watched Fonce and Ayg planning escape routes and wanted to deck them both. Did they actually have the balls to think I would allow anything to happen among the group of people? I was pissed. It boiled down to me finally telling Ash to get Tarra. And She arrived quickly so we could get to the birthing area that I had set up. Now for Ash being such a big strong Warrior.. I could see the panic in His eyes... this led to Him calling Kae for assistance while Tarra did what She does in quiet thought. Then came the trouble. The reason for the excess pain. Yes.. a large baby boy.. but He was turned in such a way He was breetch.. as Kaeli put it. It took some time and both our assistance to get the child into the right position that He might be born. I was far past exhausted with doing this. Its not easy to push something around that doesnt have room to do so in the first place. Several times I was in tears... screaming and feeling like ribs had broken and my lungs were bruised from kicks and twists. Yet that little Tuchuk came into the world with a war cry that echoed throughout the camp. Ash was speechless as He brought His son into the air from the warmth of the womb. And lifted Him to the Sky.. offering Him for protection and strenght and growth with His people. As much as this was my important moment to witness... Ash had His own. Not even known to me until that moment. He brought His son back to me... and lay His son to my chest. His moment was the bonding of Mother and Son... the initial first feeding that would forever bind us as family. I cant say for sure.. but I think there was a tear in Ash's eyes.. watching His son quiet and calm.. nursing from my breast. We sat in silence.. in awe of such a gift. And in quiet amazement at the sheer size of this baby. In counting the moons eariler with Kaeli.. tracking back to the fire and how far along I was then... we had calculated that He was due to be born at full term within the next hand. But with His size.. and the pain I was having.. it wasnt a surprise He decided to come tonight. He was healthy.. ready to become a Tuchuk and that was all there was to it.

I had made two basket of cookies and breads.. jams and jellies eariler this day. Something told me to. I gave one to Kaeli and the other to Tarra. Kaeli's daughter had brought a gift for the baby. A small bow and arrows which Ash accepted. I will send Her something later.. for the moment was just too overwhelming to think of anything but our new son. The two left.. leaving Ash and I and the new baby alone. We sat for Ahn's just looking at Him.. touching Him... and reveling in the joy. Eariler I had called the baby Bosk. He was as big as one. As big as a Bull. Kae asked if this would be His milk name.. Bosk. I didnt mind it.. but I thought Bull would be better... and I had a reason for this. Ash stepped right into my plan... saying His son would be known as Bull Ley. I couldnt help but chuckle. Yes. Bull Ley... Bully. The boy who will knock the other's down and steal their cookies. The boy who will dominate and pillage and plunder. It made me laugh.

But right now... this night.. He was just our baby boy. Ash and Silks son. The next generation of Tuchuk.

First Wily... now Bull of the Tuchuk.

Fitting.. dontcha think?

Page 527 ~ Growing pains

I saw the look in Ash's eyes tonight. I saw.. pride. I saw.. beauty. I saw me. Damn Him for always finding a way thru the darkness to reach in and pull me out. I still swear that I am more comfortable in that darkness.. deep down in the abyss where nothing can touch me. But Ive also had a taste of life and living the way it should be... and I want that too. He mentioned finding a happy medium. I only hope there is such... and I can be a part of it.

Now... Ive seen the look in Men's eyes... watching their Mate's as they carry their unborn child. Ive seen my own Mate's over the many years and many children.. but none can compare to Ash. Perhaps each is different and that is what I am seeing. But for me.. for this moment.. this is profound. The touch of His fingers against my belly... the reaction He gives in a smile or a sudden hold of breath as the baby kicks against His hand. He makes me more beautiful in just the way He looks at me.

My concerns at this point are few. The ache is subsiding with the lessened work load. I am quite big already... and I worried that it might be twins. Yet my own exam and study have reveiled only one heart beat. Strong too. The babe seems large.. larger than any of my previous. But Ash is not a small Man. If I had any concerns for the birth it would be the size of our child. Nature finds a way. Bodies adjust. Yet being a healer... I unfortunately know the drastic turns a body must take to accomadate a large child. My girl's were small.. labor was hardly a tick of time. Wily was my most difficult... lasting three days of pain but a quick birth when the time arrived. Already this child is bigger than He was. I try not to show Ash that I am scaired. I do not want Him to worry. He see's how the babe enjoys the kicking of a rib or lung... and now finds comfort in bouncing on the bladder. Adds for fun when you suddenly need to run off and pee. The nausea is much much less.. which I am thankful for. Only the occassional bout of heave's when the baby is testing out arms and legs.

I have also started to clean out a small wagon and fill it with supplies. I managed to save a trunk of clothing from the fires. And this was brought into the wagon where the rest of the furs and blankets will be stored. I have all the furs ready that will be brought outside for the birth... and I have begun to made a small fire pit near the wagon. It is no secret that Tuchuk Women give birth outside... under the Sky and not within the confines of a wagon. I have seen many a Woman in labor for days in the comfort of their furs inside their sleeping wagon.. some in such pain they can hardly breath or move or utter a word other than a scream. Yet... tell them the baby is coming and they are up.. walking outside and depositing themselves on the area set up for the birth. It is.. the way of life.

I have yet to discuss the how's and what's of this child's birth with Ash. I do not know His feelings on how much if anything.. He wishes to do. While Ive delivered most of my children on my own save the Father being there to do the actual delivery.... I have had Tarra there and Shanay to assist should anything go wrong. Ive always enjoyed having the Father there to bring their child into the world.. as it creates a bonding moment deeper than just Him just watching. This child is no different. I want Ash there and I want Him to take His child in His hands as He or She takes their first breath of life. It is perhaps the biggest thing I am looking forward too.

And since we seem to have a knack for talking.. for discussion.. I plan to make a very nice quiet dinner tonight for us. Alone among the fire light... it will be time to talk about the fastly approaching birth of our first child together.

I only hope He isnt... squimish.

Page 526 ~ Pick me

I cried myself to sleep in Ash's arms. For all it was worth He seemed to give me a lesson then embrace that weaker side of me and let it know.. everything would be ok. Up until that moment... I wasnt sure if He was mad at me or not. I knew the moment He pulled me against Him... soothing me with a hand over my hair... that He wasnt. Nor was I mad at Him for treating me in such a way. I deserved it.. I assume I will deserve it again in the future should I become so lost on my path.

The pain has eased. Either working too much or the crying fit I had cramped a muscle. It is a dull ache that sometimes comes from my lower back straight into the front. I have not mentioned this to Ash.. or anyone for that matter.. because I dont wish a fuss over something that isnt a big deal. I havent worked.. other than to see if anyone had seen the Red. Which.. brings me to today.

I was at the stream.. passing the bordum by watching the calming water flow by. I was surprised by Ongel walking by. He stopped to chat.. the usual how are you and your a pain in the ass type talk. Ash came along not too far behind on a kaiila that He did not get along with... or it did not get along with Him. One could tell.. they did not like each other. My talk with Ongel had to end there.. I did not want Ash... the over protective one to hover over me and perhaps remind me that my working as I had was the reason for my ache. If He only knew the ache He Himself had left me with... He would not open His mouth. I assured Him that I was fine. I kept quiet... I did not want to raise His thinking anymore that I was being brazen or careless. Just sit down and shut up Silken. That is the way it would be.

Cana came along on a fine looking black beast. Ash's attention swung from me like a nekkid slut had just wandered by. Damn.. I had been jilted over a kaiila. I swear He was drooling as Cana showed Him the new kaiila. It was a huge black beast. Sardine... I think She called Him... or Sandine. Something like that. I wondered if I had to put a saddle on and parade around to get Him to pay that kind of attention to me. I started to voice that... but quickly clamped my mouth shut. After alittle discussion on payment.. Cana came over and asked me about my Red. She said She had to seperate the male's from the females and then I could come tomorrow and look for Red. I thanked Her... hoping She would not see thru my act. I was trying to play the goodie goodie... I was trying to behave and not get all riled up with excitement. Fact is.. I was thrilled to hopefully be reunited with Red and find him after all this time. Of course it was in the back of my mind that I may not ever see him again.. but for now.. I could hope against hope that he was corralled with the other lost kaiila. I asked Cana if She would also put to thought that I needed five more. One for Wily.. a task in itself.. and one for Talia, Starr, Vee and Ess. She knew exactly what beast to give Wily.. one to match His spirit. The other's She would think on. They would not be needed until we reached the North... the children's lessons would resume after the move. A hug from Cana and a few words of encouragement and She was leaving. Ash was engulfed with His new toy so I excused myself to return to our wagon's. He said He would be along soon.. but I knew better. He would take His new ride out for a spin. Boys will be boys.

I waited for a time at the wagon's.. making sure dinner was prepared as the children dribbled in from their chores and clan work. I returned to the stream... trying to soak my ankles as much as possible to keep the swelling down. Ash had left. I felt rather uncomfortable and less than.... pretty. About the only thing I liked was how much softer my hair was.. and it held a shine that made it seem constantly ablaze with light. Ash rarely gets to see it loose in the day.. He probably wouldnt notice. But I did. I had to focus on that. Something good. Something to curb the rest of my thoughts until a time when I could catch Ash's attention again.

Stripping off the skirt.. I waded into the water in one of His tunic's. I sat with my back against the far bank.. letting the water cool me down and relax my body. Thinking back to something Ongel said... that I needed to think about me. I laughed again. Wasnt that what started this whole thing? I was thinking about myself.. I was being selfish when I was reminded that it wasnt all about me.

Now Im even more confused than I was to start.

Damn Men.

Page 525 ~ A different kind of hurt

He left me... in a pain I'd not felt before. I didnt know what to do with myself. I didnt know what to say.. I couldnt even speak. I saw hurt in His eyes and it was because of me. My lack of being able to communicate had me.. stumbling and scanning words that even the simplest phrase sounded.. naive. It was this hesitation that caused the entire spiral downfall of the evening. From Him teaching me a lesson I would not soon forget to learning that sometimes just saying what's on your mind is better than thinking of what your gonna say.

I had never felt like an object more so than I did that night. I felt less of a person and it disturbed me because... I'd been a slave before. I had been used and discarded moments later without a care in the world for my comfort. But this was my Mate that instilled such terror within me.. fear that I never wanted to feel like that with Him again. Had I closed myself off in such a way that He had no connection to me other than just a vessle of flesh and blood? Had I become so narrow minded that I could not see He was hurting too over the events that unfolded within the Tribe. Were my own selfish needs once again pushed up like a wall to say... Stay Out! No Tresspassing.

Aparently so.. because He opened the wound and let me feel my own blood. He lanced me with reason and everything oozed out.. sticky and hot. My own tears coating flesh and the ground.. baptizing us both with a rebirth of emotions.

Emotions.

Skies.. how I hate them. I dont understand them. I cant figure them out and I certainly have not mastered them. I know I love Ash. I feel it every moment I am away from Him... but I cannot say it.. as often as I hoped to. I also know this really bothers Him.. and He is tired of the battle He says I give Him in my lack of expression. I thought.. He would see it in my smile when He returned home from a long days work at the Forge. I thought He would feel it.. when I visited Him on Duty. Surely I thought He would feel it in my kisses and my desire to be against Him. But all those things didnt matter.. because I rarely got a reaction to my attempts. I thought ... maybe He wasnt that type of Man... wanting a Woman to approach Him with affection. Maybe He wanted to be the one to make the moves.. and perhaps by me going to Him... He lost interest in me. I just didnt understand that He too was feeling the emotions of the fire. I couldnt see past my own hurt... I didnt see His. But He made me feel it. And...... I dont like it. I sulked for days after. Avoiding people and places where I knew I would expected to present a happy face and conversation... where in all truth.. I just wanted to hide the shame I felt for hurting Him. I cried rivers of tears... to the point it left me shaking and gasping for air. After all was said and done... it proved nothing.. I gained nothing and was left with no resolution. Useless emotions. I had wallowed in my own guilt and fears of losing my position to the point I closed off. End of objection. Story over. It was all my fault. And somehow.. that big lug just turned everything I was feeling around to show me that I was the wrong one. Cut me just alittle deeper next time.. Im sorry.. I didnt bleed enough for you. He left me hurting.. He left me wanting... craving and desiring. He left me with guilt and remorse. He left me confused. He left me with a box of riddles to which I had no answers....... but....... not for long.

Page 524 ~ So there I was....

... surrounded by a mountain of bowls.

For a moment I wondered... just how the fuck I was going to get back down the steps. Was I now trapped by my own hand in my own wagon from working myself into a corner? Seemed like it.. didnt it. I did start to stack and move the bowls around.. making a pathway at least from the platform to the doorway. The steps were another task... that would wait for now. Once inside the wagon.. I looked to the sleeping furs.... soft and inviting. But I hadnt had time to enjoy them... not really since the fire. Im sure its not just me. I know every healer.. Ongel.. Kaeli and everyone on down the line have been working tirelessly days upon days in restocking our supply of herbs.. medicines and bandages. I know Mezoo has helped... and I plan to thank Her as soon as I can with a nice basket of goodies. Children have been coming and going loaded with armfulls and baskets of wrappings. It was when I was stacking some of these bandages inside the wagon that I uncovered my journal. Flipping through the pages.. I saw that it had been ages since I last sat and noted my thoughts on the bound parchment. There was little time in my day for myself. Of my own doing of course. I always did retreat and work when things overwhelm me. Even Ash... had been gone long Ahn's.. and I rarely see Him outside of a Tal and how'dy do. It makes me think things that I dont want to. Of the past.. His and mine.. and I begin to wonder just which path I am going down again. But no... not this time. I wont let it happen. I cant. I swore if I failed again... I would be no more. I cant think about that now. Not with this new life growing within me. I see the pride in Ash's face seeing His unborn child resting so comfortably within my belly. I am big enough now that it cannot be hidden even under one of His tunic's. And I find myself gently stroking the swell of my stomach and talking quietly to the babe. I tell Him or Her that I will try my hardest to make sure He or She has their Father with them this time... that He wont disappear or abandon them. But even if that was to happen.. I would be there. I will always be there.

I headed back out to work... I needed to keep busy. I needed to keep the images and the sounds of that fatefull night at bay. I have not uttered a single word of what I saw or did... or how I felt since then.Ive kept it inside.. as most have... not wanting to relive it in any way.. shape or form. Perhaps it is unhealthy.. but it is what I need right now to survive it and remain composed. I cannot break down now... not for me.. for Ash or for the baby. In time... I will deal with it.. but now.. I must work. I must maintain.

I heard two voices from over the piles of bowls. Poking my head up.. I saw Ash and Tarra. She had brought herbs and powders to replentish into the stock. It was a welcomed jesture.. yet my mind could only see the glass as half full. I could only wrap my thoughts around how that one basket would perhaps last a day... and I needed to keep going. I needed to build the supply back up past a critical level. That's when the... discussion started. Tarra and Ash actually teaming up on me... making me see that I did not need to work so hard. And well.. Tarra... Mother Vulo She is.. and loved for it... got rather huffy with me. It was when She threatened to speak to Ayguili about slowing me down that I snapped. I wanted to break Her nose.. and I told Her so. She as always.. stood up to me with that.. "bring it on" attitude. I didnt want to hurt Her.. and I didnt really want to fight... so I just assualted Her with words. Somewhere about this time.. Ash stepped in like a wall between us. I started swinging.. clawing to get to Tarra.. I wanted so badly one of our knock down.. kick ass fights... but I also knew if I did.. my ass would be toast given my pregnancy. Eventually Tarra got some blue liquid and dumped it over my head... I broke free of Ash and gave Her braid a yank... something I know just irk's Her. We went round and round with words... not harsh.. but call me stupid it was a loving but brutal verbalization of emotions. Something I needed.. and perhaps something Tarra did as well. It was funny how in the end... we both switched sides and ganged up on Ash.. leaving Him backpeddling. Damn.. I missed that. I missed Tarra. And I was actually thankful and relieved when She said She would be checking on me more often.

So with Tarra on my side.. laughing... I grinned and returned to my work. Ash was not as joyous. He began to talk to me and I found myself wondering if He actually thought I was trying to hurt our child. Did He really think me that stupid that I would do anything to jepordize my health and our childs? I started getting angry.. which Ash tactfully uses against me. He uses it to bring out that which I dont speak of.. or am too afraid to speak aloud. I said something that I wished I hadnt. I spoke of my fear of my position being taken away. I didnt want anyone to know this.. because if I spoke it.. it could come true. I know what Tarra said about it being a Man's world.. hell.. I even brought it up. I know I have no say in the matter... but I have worked so hard to get where I am.. and I finally am there that I dont want anything to ruin it. Somehow I knew that if Ayg saw I was.. unable to fullfill my position as Clan Leader... head healer... He would give it away to someone else. Perhaps this is why I am so hellbent on throwing myself into work... to show them I can do it. I want to.

Please... dont take it away from me.

I wanted to run to Ayguili and pled my case before anyone else got to Him. I needed to find Him.. I needed to talk to my Ubar. I needed.... my sanity. But Ayg was nowhere to be found. I understood He was still Himself bogged down with work. I would have to wait.. but not without telling Jax to give the Ubar a message that I needed to speak to Him.

But I digress. So there I was... sitting on the platform amidst this sea of bowls.. listening to Ash and pouring my heart out when given a break to do so. I wound up promising I would slow down. I will. I promised... I mean to keep it. He scooped me up and carried me into our wagon and laid me to the furs. He held my braid in His hands... giving me a few tugs now and then when I started to drift off into that place I dont care to return to. he asked me how active our child was.. and I told Him.. more and more each day. He bent over at my request and spoke to my belly. His hand placed to the side of my swelling flesh. Even I knew the reaction to come. He whispered a greeting to the babe and my stomach rolled against His hand. No kicking yet... just that roll of acknowledgement. His smile was priceless and He even chuckled when the babe developed the hiccups... jumping against His hand. I mentioned to Him how I had the same thing with Vee and Ess.. and now that I think of it with Wily as well. I tend to wonder now if it is a boy thing.. and perhaps Ash might just have the son He so ardently desires. But... He had me lay back and took some oil that I made.. and began to massage it into my skin. From neck to feet... slowly... gently... He covered every hort. When He finished.. I was drawn to lay half over Him.. my head on His chest while He ran His fingers through my hair. Be it the reverberation of His voice so deep in His chest combined with the lull of His heartbeat to my ear... I was drifting asleep.

When I woke this morning.. Ash was gone.. and once I rose and dressed... I stepped outside to find the bowls had disappeared too. For a moment I wanted to scream and raise hell... but my promise light kicked in and I sat to the steps like a lost sleen pup.

What the hell was I going to do with all this time?

I grinned... lifted off the steps and headed to my supply wagon. Taking out that bluish tinted jar I then found myself off on a journey to a few wagons. Fonce and Sev'ies... Tarra's... Mezoo... Cana... and Ayguili to start.

The Mistress of Itching Powder....

had returned.

Page 523 ~ Fit to be.... bunched.

I had felt fairly good the past two days. Work was a bite in the ass... long hard hours were maintained... but it felt good to be constantly busy. It kept my mind from wandering to those places I dont care to visit at the moment. I did have the honor... of meeting this new Iron Worker while visiting Ash at the Forge. His name is Ronin. And... He is a loser. He rubbed me the wrong way right from the start. When Ash told me that Ayguili had spoken to Him about this Man... I had to back off alittle. Reluctantly. This Man was claiming to be Tuchuk.. but everything about Him screamed dweller. True.. I do not know every Tuchuk that resides on the plains... but there was something about this one that made me more than uneasy. Needless to say... my panties began to bunch. So I asked this Ronin... "How are the Bosk?" And I waited.. and waited .. and waited some more... and finally I got an answer. "Good." Uh.... what the fuck? "Good???" I said. My eyes bore into this hunk of flesh... and my internal switch flipped to ON. "And the quiva's?" I asked... narrowing my gaze. Again... I waited.. and waited.. and oh.. guess what??... I waited! But suddenly.... "Sharp.. they are sharp. Ohhh and the Bosk are as well as can be." This snit pipes up. Fuckin' Ash... I wanted to slap Him upside the head for helping this Man.

The knot started to get tighter and venture into my... neither regions. The Man asked Ash if there was a way to get on my good side. I proposed a wager with this new Iron Master. I said.. If He could take a six inch spike and hammer it into a block of wood.. using only one object of my choice.. and that object would be chosen from something in the Forge.... I would lighten up. If I won.. He had to do my laundry for three weeks. If He won.. I would be civil to Him. About that time Tarra arrived and listened in. The IronMaster agreed to my wager. So I led Him to the block of wood.. handed Him the spike.. and proceeded to tell Him. Hammer this in.. all six inches.. using nothing but... your pecker. You could feel the smirks within the room. Tarra found it amusing. I was getting more irritated with the Man's backpeddling. I was going to have some serious chaffing if I didnt get out of there. So Ronin leaves and then Tarra.. after She gave Ash a task to do for Her. I toyed around the Forge a bit.. getting into things Ash obviously didnt want me to. I heard.. Becareful... we are low on tools. Dont break that. Easy... I need that. I'd had enough. So I left. I headed out into the darkness to try and dislodge my atomic wedgie. I started to look for my kaiila... which.. I havent seen hide nor hair of. Also.. this is good. The red kaiila isnt that hard to spot.. if he is not dirty and dust covered. I havent given up hope. After this next move.. I will check the pens to see if I can find Him.

Oh... yes. That brings me to that. The next move.

It was late when I decided my panties were finally resting normally and my switch had returned to OFF. Since I was calm... I ventured to the stream near the healers group of wagons and was surprised to find a large group there. Cana.. Fonce.. Sev.. Ash.. Yamka.. and Ongel. Later... Ayg and Kaeli joined. The few Ahn's we spent together was nice. Ash was about as distant as Turia... I can only assume because of all the work He is under. The banter... none the less.. was light and welcomed. Cana is already eyeing me as a target. She wants revenge for me making Her upchuck when She was with child. I think She will have Her just due. It was good to see Cana. Good to see Her with some fire in Her eyes. I missed Her.

It was after She left that the discussion turned to Her. Not in a bad way... not gossip or speaking behind Her back kind of way... but about the past days and seeing a side of Her no one ever expected. I listened as Ayg and Kaeli spoke of Her throwing a fit. Cursing? Ohh hell yes... words they did not know She even had in Her vocabulary. I found a few refrences rather amusing.. and would have to remember them. Shredding furs and tearing things up? Cana? The gentle soul? Nahh.. couldnt be possible. And had I not heard it from the kaiila's mouths for myself.. I would not believe it. Now... I knew what Cana was going thru.. been there done that.. a few times in my life. But I started to get irritated the more I listened to them about their concern. Dont get me wrong... I am concerned about Cana... and I understand fragile states. But what the hell is wrong with anyone throwing a knock down.. drag out.. hissy fit of a tantrum? She has every right too. My switch flipped. ON. I started thinking about my own tantrums I had had when similar things occured to me. But mine were seen as selfish and irrational. Childish and foolish. So what made Her's different? Because She is this gentle calming soul? And What...??? Im a pool of liquid fuel just waiting for a spark to ignite it? Well.. hell yeah. That's my nature. Now.. I was pissed. Not at Cana... but at those that had said these things to me when I was torqued up. Ash did nothing to even notice my mood change. Too busy with the Forge. Even that.. pissed me off... tho I know He has a duty to attend to. I did not hold Him personally responsible for this flip of the switch. Not yet at least. So when He said He would be going to work at the Forge.. that He had order's from Ayguili to make sure the wagon's had wheels... I didnt not argue. But then.. Kaeli mentioned that Jai always kept a set of furs in His Forge.. I assume a hint that I could stay there.. with Ash. But the big bosk either didnt catch it... or didnt want me there. I bid them Good Night. The move was in two days to find grass for the bosk. The healer's had enough work for three times our numbers. Ayguili saw to it we would have wagon's for the still injured and healing.. we would have extra furs.. we would get Men and slaves to help prepare the wagon's to venture towards grass. I walked.. first towards the Nightmare... intending to work well into the night and past morning. But I made a right turn and headed out onto the plains. I had to walk this off. I had to figure out these emotions. I had to sort thru the things bouncing in my head. I rationalized.. then countered with my own rebutal. On Off On Off On Off........... ON. *growl*

And there it stayed.

Page 522 ~ Raw and uncut...

......... for the moment.

It was good to see those of the Main Fires again... filtering into a centralized area once more. I made rounds.. stopping to see Fonce and Seveya at the Spex fires. Got a quick glance at Mezoo.. She seemed well... much better than the last time I had seen Her. I checked on Sev and Her ankle. Her hands were reciently bandaged by some fanged bitch.. as I recall. Im taking that to mean Oggie's slave. While I do not trust them... and while I do not like to see them doing jobs of Clan... we needed all the help we could get. I suppose I will overlook it.. *grin* this time. Sev's ankle is many a shade of pretty. Pretty as in the multi-colored bruising that it garnishes. I packed it with some mud and wrapped it. Should be a few more days and She will be able to put weight on it again. I told Her it was good to see Her.. being the last time I did.. it was a more backward view I got. Having shoved Her into a wagon by the arse. She chuckled.. Fonce smirked... and Sev thanked me for helping Her and the little girl. She was sure that had I not... they might have had a different outcome. I assured Her.. had it not been me... someone else would have done it. Sev wasnt so sure. I told Her I was only doing my job as it was... and She responded with... I was a good Woman.. and Healer. Chuckling.. I asked Her to remember this... and bring it out in a time of need... say.. perhaps if I was in the vulo house with Ash. And.. I would be at some point or another. She agreed to the deal. I asked Fonce for some help.. telling Him that the healers needed people to grind herbs and cut strips of bandages. He offered Oggie's bitch... saying He trusted her with His life.. if that mattered. It helped.. yes... tho again.. I would not fully trust a slave. Salves cant be botched too badly so I agreed. He also said He knew of many children that could use something to do.. and I told Him that I also had many at my wagon's that had yet to find their parents. We both did not have to speak the word.. but it rang out clearly between us. Orphaned. I told Sev and Fonce about my listing of the wounded and dead... and how even Sev could help.. being the names tied to a symbol. There was always someone who could read at the Nightmare and once She could walk again.. we could use Her to help reconnect the lost. Bidding them farewell.. I continued my rounds to check on everyone. Heading back towards the healer's circle.. I found Tarra at the stream.. nursing Her legs in the water. She looked well. I dont press Her too much.. because I know if She needed anything.. She would call upon us. We chatted a few moments.. joking and teasing when Noya arrived with a group of children. It felt like the fire of the plains reared it's ugly head once more when the two began to bicker and argue. Tarra made a statement that hardly was an offense to Noya.. in which Noya blew a gasket over. Dont know why.. Tarra just stated something that really didnt offend anyone... but.. ehhh.. I just listened. Noya finally walked off after snapping like a sleen and went down stream alittle with the children. Ayguili arrived.. looking worn and tired. I could tell that something weighed heavily on His mind.. and given what had transpired these days.. He was allowed all the free roam He wanted. Fonce and Seveya also came along... to soak Sev's ankle. A few moments passed and Ayg called me to watch the children while He spoke to Noya. I did so... helping the kids clean up and wash the soot from their faces. I sent the slaves for towels and then had them gather up the kids.. all except Noya's twins.. and take them back to the wagons. We all couldnt help but overhear the news. Trilok had perished in the flames that swept the plains. He died saving one of His Men... a most honorable death. But even I knew those words did not bring anymore comfort to the one left behind. Eventually it would.. to speak of Him as such.. but for now.. it was no filler to the wound of the heart. Ayguili walked away... it hurt me to see Him like that. And while Noya and Her children consoled each other... I stood and quietly offered Her my support.. being there anything we could do. She nodded and thanked me... it was all that needed to be said at the moment. I headed over to Ayguili.. placed a hand on His shoulder and asked Him how He was doin'. He smiled and reached to touch my hand that I laid upon Him. He was drawn and saddened.. that was obvious. I told Him to come be with us... but He refussed.. saying He had more of this to do. I told Him... He did well. We all loved Him... and to remember that. It seemed to help... as small of a thing as I could do. Just to let Him know... kudos.

I headed back to sit with Tarra... eventually those at the stream left and She asked if I would like to join Her at the main fires. Which.. I did. I was starving. Yamka had brought honeycakes and I devoured that like the fire did the dry grass. Had me a plate of raw steak and chocolate... that chased even Tarra away. So.. I grinned... walking back to the Nightmare.. bloodied and gnawing on my meal. The chocolate didnt taste as I had remembered... it wasnt as good as anticipated...

I think I will try honey.

MMhhhmmm..... Tomorrow.

Page 521 ~ Dusting off

When I finally opened my eyes again... it felt like I had slept for hands upon hands. I was groggy and disoriented... sore and still sleepy. The smell around me of everything burnt.. reminded me all to quick where I was and what had happened. I just wanted a few more moments to try and trick myself.. that it was all a dream. I rolled over to my side and pushed up to sit.. feeling pain in muscles that had worked far too hard for normalcy. I would not give in... there would be no repreive for me or anyone. There was much work ahead of all.. I was no exception. I stood slowly.. fighting the urge to cry out with the stretch of flesh that tightened from the burns. While I rooted through a trunk for clothing to change into and picked dried blood from me... I made notes in my head as to what I had salvaged to be given to those that may need. There was no bleeding within the wraps around my arm or leg.. no saturation of fluid.. so I left the wrappings alone and dressed. Wearing an old pair of leathers and a loose tunic.. my day would resume in treating the People. We were lucky.. as Gorean's.. our medical advances would heal injuries quickly. The salves we used and the make up of our bodies allowed us a rather fast internal recovery and those already treated on the way here were well into these stages. There were a few infections.. but most were easily treated. There was need for some amputation.. mostly fingers, hands and feet. I had heard of a few arms and legs.. but the numbers were low.. considering what we had been through.

Word filtered in via the network of people.. what had finally happened. Ayguili and Fonce along with Tarra.. how they had took charge and made a break wall in the grass to stop the rush of flames. I had not yet seen Ayguili so I sent Jax to Him.. giving Him a report on the Healer's clan.. what we had been doing.. what would be needed.. and so forth. I knew He would be busy... so I kept notes as well.. that when we could sit down and talk.. I would have every answer I could in reach for Him. I made an offering to Jax for Ayguili... "Tell Him that I have set up different circles for the severity of injuries. The wagon's that surround the Nightmare are divided into flesh burns.. deeper tissue burns and those that may need removal of limbs. I have kept the burn victim's near the stream so that constant water is available for cooling flesh and clearing ash filled throats and lungs. There are area's for broken bones... and area's for wounds needing stitching. I have begun a list of those injured that remain either unconscious or in care of the Healer's. Any that are missing... check with the Healer's.. perhaps they are here. The dead are being kept in wagons away from the other's... those names also on a list. Anyone needing help.. tell them to look for that pink Nightmare... the healer's are there. Give Him my reguards, Jax" I said with a nod. "And tell Him.. well done" I added and then had to return to seeing and overseeing patients. I got names of those lost.. or those unable to speak from anyone that could tell me their names. I put a symbol to them on a sheet of parchment and I placed a matching coal mark on the shoulder of the person their name coressponded too... hoping that family members looking would come to the Nightmare and be reunited. This took a whole day as so many were injuried... but once the list was compiled.. we began to match those lost with their loved one's. Those with only minor injuries but unable to care for themselves were turned over to family once claimed.. given instructions on care and to return if anything happened. This helped to lighten the rounds of checking people somewhat and allowed the Healer's to see to those more gravely hurt.

I drank my share of water... and sometimes some of Jax's. My muscles were sore.. and cramping was a concern. I was determined.. but not stupid in knowing what I stood chance to lose. Being a secretary of sorts to this list.. with a line of people wanting to see if the Healer's held their loved one's... gave me a chance to work without more stress to my body and that of our unborn child. Only four people knew.. Ash, Jax..Tarra and Ongel. Five if you include me. Tarra and Ongel found out that night when the fire's broke. My running to upchuck and my fainting in the heat told them and I would not deny it to them. I knew it would be safe with them... I did not want anyone telling me to take it easy or rest. I would do what I could and did not need to be treated like a child. My children and Aunt did not even know... not yet. There was much to worry over and I did not need them concerned about me. Ash was doing enough of that for all of them.

I had heard that a group was returning to the sight of our former circle of wagon's. I did not press or even mention going for two reason's. I was needed here and... I did not want to see what remained. There wasnt one family or person that did not lose something or everything when this fire broke. I did not want to be distracted. I needed to keep sharp. I knew that Ash would go to help salvage what they could. I would hear eventually from Him and the other's what more we had lost.

But in the end... we still had each other. We had the people. Those that survived and fought.

We are fighter's. We are survivor's.

It's a good day to be Tuchuk.

Page 520 ~ " By the blast of the Sky (God).. they perish...."

"... and by the breath of His nostrils... they are consumed." (Job 4:9)

Sudden mass chaos devoured the Tuchuk. It looked chaotic.. but it was organized. Ash kept insisting I remain with Him... but I had a job to do.. and so did He. I took off.. against His wishes. I would deal with His anger later. Right now.. we all needed to survive. And that meant moving as much and as many as we could. Granted.. I was still weak from eariler. Vomiting and the faintness. But just as a Mother could lift a wagon from atop a child in a moment of panic.. I too found the strenght to begin tossing children and Women into wagons that rolled towards the stream. I grabbed the Elders and hoisted them into wagons.. I grabbed children lost in the smoke and handed them to other's. Grabbing cloths and wetting them to be put over mouth's and nose's... I was running around like a mad Woman.. but I was still in the same spot... just.. greeting every wagon that rolled by me. I became lost and disoriented in the heavy cloud.. I had lost track of Ash. My eyes were burning.. my throat was coated with thick soot. It hurt to breath.. it hurt to move. Somehow.. I ran into Seveya... literally. She had a lost child with Her and the two were walking somewhat disoriented. I threw a wet cloth over Her mouth and nose and hailed a passing wagon. "Get in." It was not said gently. She lifted the little one into the wagon and then I took hold of Her hips and thrust Her up into the wagon. "Its going to be ok Sev." I said.. turned.. and ran back into the smoke. I knew She would be safe... and that brought me peace.. to know a dear friend.. at least one of them.. would be fine. I began to worry of all my other family.. hoping to catch sight of them when suddenly.. from the ash came a loose kaiila. Darting.. running away from the flames that licked at our heels. I dove to the side and rolled to avoid it and an oncoming wagon.. just in time. Flames grabbed at my leg and arm... the wet cloth that once covered my face quickly swatted the fire and doused it. I had risen and began walking.... completely turned around and with no refrence points to get me back in the right direction... I wandered a moment. That is.. until out of the soot ladden air came Yamka. She offered me a hand... I told Her no. Point me back in the direction of the main camp. She did so... and I ran off once more. I was fighting the flow of the wagons and stampeeding people.. dodging and ducking... when I felt something hang me up. Tripping over and almost falling... I looked back to see a hand reach out from the smoke. I took it and crouched down to see an Old Woman.. immediately I recognized Her as the Woman of the Man that had just died. She begged me for help... begged me not to leave Her. I told Her I would not. And I was determined to not let Her die.. consummed by the flames that lashed out at us. I could not lift Her... I tried.. by the Skies I did... but She was too heavy. I screamed for help... but my plea's were lost in the rumble of wagon's.. the screams of the people.. and the hiss of the fire. Suddenly I heard a voice in the darkness... I did not know who... but it said to keep calling.. He would find us. And I did.. I choked on the soot... my voice but a hoarse raspy whisper.. but I kept calling. Here! Were here! Help us !! Like a cool breeze.. the smoke parted and Ash leaned in. Grabbed the Old Woman and getting Her to a wagon. There was little spoken between us... I mearly hopped in the wagon and began to tend the Old Woman. My urgency to help Her was known only to me at the time.. for this Woman was the same Old Woman who a day before had cursed me.. giving me a life of pain and sorrow. I knew it was Her the moment I stumbled and then took Her hand. I would not let Her die on the grass... I could not. I gave Her water.. helping to clear Her throat.. aided Her to sit up to help Her lungs. I whispered "Hang on.. you'll be fine." But I knew Her situation was dire. Her heart beat was faint... irratic. And She drew me down to Her mouth to whisper in my ear. I strained to listen... as tears fell down my soot coated cheeks.. staining them a fleshy white trail. "Forgive me. Forgive my anger at you for the loss of my Mate." She said. "Shhhhh. Do not fear. You will be fine. Please.. rest." I whispered.. choking on the smoke. "No." She said.. "My wish has come true Healer. I did not want to die in the flames on the prarrie. I want to be taken to the Sky with my Mate. See to that Healer? Please?" She began to fade away. I took Her shoulders and shook Her. "DO NOT go! Wait!" I tried to yell... and I saw Her eyes open and look at me. I bore a gaze into Her tired eyes and spoke.. "I promise.. you shall lie on a Pyre with your Mate... next to Him.. forever and eternity" She smiled... and whispered... "Thank you... thank you healer.... may the Sky bless you and keep you.... thank you... tha.. th.." And She was gone. The swell of emotions rose and I needed to contain them. I covered Her gently.. and I told a Man within the wagon that once we stopped to seek me out and bring me Her body. I had made a promise.. I would keep it. I stood.. seeking out Ash and walked to Him. My face telling it all. He said.. "There are other's to save... be strong." And I nodded... but when I looked back to the covered body of the Old Woman.. I could no longer breath. Ash was talking.. but the words did not register. And then... I was gone. I had passed out.

When next I woke.. I was in the back of one of the healer's wagon... taking water and gaining my senses. I got up.. sooner than I should have.. but I had a job to do. Managing to push everything back down... Ash was standing over me. Telling me to stay. He knew better and just shook His head. "Please.. be careful" He said. "You too" I said.. and I was off... darting wagons and heeding calls for healers nonstop as the wagons kept moving from the fires. It was endless... the calls for help. At one point I met up with Ongel and Tarra... Mezoo had been overcome by smoke. She was alive... but unconscious. Ongel treated Her. I had run out of salve.. and the healer told me of a case in one of the wagons about four up. I hurried there and packed my satchels.. then took armfulls and returned. Leaving jars for Ongel and giving Tarra some. Again the three of us split up and roamed the wagons as the smoke and ash began to thin. Eventually.. we cross the stream and the wagons took to lockdown. I set up the Nightmare and all the healers wagons off to the immediate left of the trail. I had different area's for each type of injuries going... from burns.. to broken bones.. to cuts.. smoke inhailation... and everything between. All the healers gathered at the Nightmare.. being it was such a stand-outish wagon that all knew. Injured upon injured began to filter in. I sent healers to the various points to treat and tend those wandering in. Some were carried... some walked... some dragged themselves along the ground. The smell of burnt flesh and clothing permeated the air.. which.. I must admit was better than the ash. The screaming had stopped.. but I could still hear it in my head... I probably would for some time. it was replaced with the soft sobs of Women.. children crying... Men calling for loved ones.. the moans of pain.. the agony of loss. I was standing aside the Nightmare when I felt arms around me.. and was turned in time to see Ash as He drew me against His chest. I held to Him tightly.. and whispered.. "You look like shit." He kissed me and I smiled. We worked for Ahn's and Ahn's well into the break of dawn. There were no words spoken between us.. only passing glances between tending patients. Finally... as the Central Fire began to dance over the horizon... I gave in to exhaustion. On my way to my wagons... I ran into Jax... He had been badly burned on the arms but tended to. He asked of my burns.. and if I was alright. I nodded. I tended them eariler quickly.. and only now did they begin to throb with my relaxing.. but I told Him not to worry. He told me how the fire had lept to the wagon covering He drove. He had Vee and Ess inside and He moved so quickly to tear the canvas free that He was burned as the fabric wrapped His arms. He assured me the twins were unharmed and resting with Mia and Sonny. He also told me all the other children were fine. Dakota had returned from digging the trenches and placing a fire wall.. and that Shanay was still working with the healers. Aunt was safe.. and bitching about clean up. he also told me that the Old Woman's body had been brought to one of my wagons. I asked Him to find Her Mate... the one we had brought to Her wagon the day before. He said He would. All was well. I could not argue or question Him further... there would be time for that later. I climbed into the wagon and collapsed on the furs. I thought not of the events of the day... or the perils of the journey.. but I thought how.. the Sky gave to us.. in the only way She knew how. The grass would be tall.. thick and plentiful next season. She had a way of rejuvinating life. Even if it meant life had to be taken to receive. I could not curse Her for this. I could not yell or scream... for we.. The Tuchuk... live on Her land. On Her terms and conditions. She taught us a lesson today. One that no one living will ever forget.

It was this thought that drew me into sleep.

The Sky giveth.. and the Sky taketh away.

We were strong... we will...

survive.

Page 519 ~ Prelude to panic

As the day wound down... the heat became worse. Just breathing was a chore. Moving was worse. Many of the Elders had become victim to the oppressive heat.. I did my best to keep them cool and hydrated.. but a few of the very old just couldnt stand it. As I lost patient after patient... Jax would carry them back to the family to be prepared for a journey to the Sky. One old Woman cursed me... shaking a finger in my direction and blaming me for not saving Her Mate. I tried to explain.. there was nothing I could do.. I could not control the weather.. and He was just tired.. it was His time. She would hear nothing of this. In Her grief.. She spoke saying She hoped someday I would feel the pain of loss as She had. I did not tell Her how lucky She was to have lived a lifetime with Her Mate.. or how I had already loved and lost many times. I did not tell Her because She gave me no chance... almost running to me and grabbing my hands.. squeezing them in Her gnarled old fingers. "Are you Mated?!" She growled at me.. narrowing a gaze and looking up into my eyes. "Yyyyyes. I am." I stumbled over the words. She laughed and threw my hands from Her grip. "You will know the pain of loss." She said.. turning and walking to the wagon where Her dead Mate now lay. At first.. this did not bother me... but as Jax and I walked back to the Nightmare.. I could not stop thinking if the old Woman perhaps did curse me... and would Ash be next... or one of my children. I was released from this seize of horror by Jax's words. "Come back from the place, Silken. She is just an old Woman. Her grief speaks not the truth." I nodded with a sigh. But I could not shake the feeling I had for days now. In the heat. In this sweltering damnable heat.

After returning to the Nightmare.. a sudden wave of nausea struck me. I turned and ran behind the wagon.... wretching... and then coughing on the dry heaves that followed. Jax came to ask if I was alright. And I was sure I was... just the emotions of the day and the warmth I could not shake from my body. He laughed.. and joked about breaking out the newborn clothing. But it was no jest.. at least I saw it in His eyes. It couldnt be. It could not be possible... could it? I had stopped the sip root months ago. But I am old.... er. I didnt expect it to happen so quickly. I did what any Woman would do and counted the days of my cycle's. I had missed two. The changes were there for the seeing. Physical and mental. I was moody. Crying... and now the sickness. With the move upon us.. I feared being with child on the trail. I knew I would be a burden... I did not want Ash to be worried. I would need to be useful.. and mobile to help other's on the trail. My skills would be needed more then. I could not lose any more people to death. I had to be... the best.

Venturing to the main fires... I found Tarra there and we engaged in some light conversation. Until Ash arrived and the two began to bicker. They ignored my plea's and plights to stop it. But we were all testy and sharp with the heat. When Tarra left.. I found myself in tears. For no other reason that.. I just felt like it. I got Him a bota of water. He needed to stay hydrated being the fires of the Forge drained Him double. He is looking leaner.. more defined. He has lost alot of bulk... replaced with muscle. As He lifted the bota to remove the stopper.. He asked what was wrong with me. He asked twice.. and I finally just blurted it out. "Im pregnant" THUD.. splash... gulg gulg gulg.. the contents of the bota drained out when He dropped it. He staired at me for a time.. and then finally came to me and gathered me up. He was so happy.. I could not ruin His moment in telling Him my fears. He say me down.. already the cautious one and urged me to eat. At least drink.. and that I would. He was beaming with pride... which rolled over when Ongel arrived. I knew Ash teased me.. trying to rile my spirits up. The two bantered back and forth... about how a Woman knew if She was pregnant.. and about things that needed to be done. Again I was becoming intensly irate with them both and voice my opinions. Ongel advised me to rest. Lots of it.. especially in this heat. I was pissed then... I mean.. I had been ahealer since He was in nappies. Who was He to tell me things I already knew. But I did know.. He did it out of concern.. even though I didnt want to admit it. This heat was dropping strong Tuchuk's in their tracks. A pregnant Woman.. was no exception. Ongel told me to avoid spicy foods and oil. Something about the combination.. even just the thought.. and I was running behind the wagon.. on my knees... offering my dues to the Sky. Another blast of heat hit me and almost knocked me over. I felt hands on my shoulders.. aiding me in standing. I was gratefull to see Tarra again. We spoke quietly as She helped me back to Ash and Ongel. She said She was riding out on the plains to find Mezoo and some children. I told Her I would go with Her.. but was firmly refussed. It was how She said it.. "Stay here Silk. Stay by Ash's side. Something is coming." I did not argue. I would not.. not with my Sister that would never put me in harms way. She had a real reason for saying what She did. And I had every intention in following.

Tarra left.. and Ongel mounted up to help. He wanted to find the Ubar.. to get the wagon's on the move towards the stream.. along with the herds before they gave into the dry conditions. No sooner had this been said than I called Jax and had Him hook up the teams to the wagons. The Nightmare.. our personal wagon.. Aunt's wagon ... two of the supply wagons and the childrens were set and rolling. We would leave several more behind.. they did not need to be moved at the moment.

Just before Ongel rode out.. we heard the drums kick up. A hush fell over the people.. and at the very moment I went to speak... it hit our nostril's. The sick... harsh smell of smoke. That burning.. rancid smell... turned my stomach. Not because of the sickness... but because I knew what it meant. It was not a camp fire being doused.. it was not the evening cooking fires being quelched... it was a grass fire. "Do you smell that?" I said... and when Ash.. "Oh Skies..." I felt my soul drop into my boots. People came running from everywhere... "Fire! Fire! A fire wall comes!" I couldnt believe it. I had to see it for myself. I ran to the edge of the wagons and looked out over the plains... the glow in the night made me lose my breath. I saw the fires licking at the dry grass... I glared at the flames that silloutted a wagon wheel before it devoured it right before my eyes. The smoke rolling like a huge angry wall.. swirling and swallowing everything in it's path. I turned my back on it as it overcame me... and suddenly... reality hit....

The plains were burning....

and it was headed this way.