Page 479 ~ Two Red's are better than one...

It was a long journey home. Not as long as the original trail South or North for that matter... it was just a long few days back from the Love Wars. For me... it was. Yes... ohhh yes it was. After my revelation of "me" to Fonce.. and after the fact I didnt get to finish that conversation... I was left wondering.. still.. who I was. I didnt feel any better... infact.. I felt worse. Left hanging with words still to say that did not get the chance to come rolling forth. Ehhhh... they would wait. I wasnt in a hurry. So this... endless trail back to our Southern grounds was filled with caring and tending those injured in the fights... checking new slaves... broken bones and a few head wounds. Enough to keep me busy for eternity. I was content to do so. Yet... I had a break today. No one needed me. No one except the piles of laundry from all my kids. Tunic's caked with mud... blood... grass... the likes of children that worked and played hard. It was off to the stream not long after a midday snack. Wily helped to cart the baskets down and then had to run off to the Forge to do some work. Sonny, Mia, Vee and Ess were off to fish. Talia and Starr were working on repairing blankets, quilts and jackets for the Winter months. I was left alone with soap and rushing water. I spent several Ahn there at the stream.. alone... talking to my kids through their laundry.. questioning how they managed to get this hole there... this grass stain here... etc and onward. The silence was broken and my attention turned to the lil redheaded slave of Fonce's. she too had duties at the stream in the form of laundry. Hmmm... ok. I didnt mind the intrusion... I didnt mind the girl. Perhaps it was the hair. she is red... like me.. although mine of course is much more beautiful. Boast... primp... pridefull grin. red asked me how my day was. I said fine.. I had succeeded in hiding from it. she told me.. sometimes it was better to say.. Hey day.. Im here...screw you... deal with it. I told her... it wasnt so much of hiding as it was.. I loved a good fight when it found me. Yeah... it was just that simple to explain. Anyway.. after we started to wash again.. the girl simply floored me and asked me a question that.. well.. Im still mulling over in shock. red asked.. What I had done to her Master that had made Him so angry with me. Huh? So.. I asked her.. when? And she told me.. the last time we had seen each other. Ahhhh. Spark of rememberance. First off.. I didnt feel comfortable telling her all my secrets. Second.. I wasnt exactly sure what she was referring to. I went for the generic answer... that I always seemed to anger.. fustrate.. piss off to the point of irratation and baffle her Owner. Something that was starting to tarnish the lack-luster appeal of it all... but.. didnt matter now. I told her I tried to understand... but one sided input rarely gave way to anything but annoyance. she said she hoped to also understand Him... someday too. I wished her luck... and behold.. she thanked me. Eventually.. she wound up wishing me luck. I told her to keep it. It wasnt luck I needed. red said she would keep my luck.. she would hold onto it.. until I needed it. I thanked her. So.. there I was.. chatting with a slave... shockkkkkkkker. And it passed the time nicely. That is.. until the girl would get up and move around the chim-chimeny chime of bells. The tinkling of the bells around her ankle began to grate my nerves. red then said.. she wondered when Fonce would remove them. I asked her if she knew why He belled her in the first place. she said.. because she couldnt be trusted. Oh. Head nod. Well... I wouldnt butt into that part or voice my opinion on the matter... it wasnt my place. But... I would silence those bells... at least while it was just the two of us... and I knew where she was and wasnt about to be concerned the slave would produce a dagger and.. lets say.. slice open my throat. I called red over to me.. reached down to the edge of the stream.. took up a palm full of mud and packed those bells to silence. Ahhhhh yes. Once more the rippling of the water and it's peacefull song could be heard. red... was thrilled... even stood up and did a small jig in place... in silence. I did.. however.. remind her that she would need to stick her foot in the stream before she left.. and return those little annoying tinkler's back to earshot. she agreed.. smiling. So there you have it... two lil redhead's sitting by the stream.. doing laundry and partaking in conversation. The day.. actually had gotten better... brighter. Talia and Starr showed up.. reminding me that dinner needed to be prepared. I agreed.. and sent them to find their younger siblings. I bid red a farewell.. gave her some candies with instruction to ask her Owner's permission to have them. As I rose to leave.. it was funny how we both agreed that luck and the promise of company would bring us together again. Me hoping for the Company of a slave? .... me? Good Skies.... it must be snowing in the desert.

Page 478 ~ So much more

The sun is gone and the flowers rot. Words are spaces between us. And I should've been drown in the rivers I've found of token lost. And I should've been down when you made me insecure. So break me down if it makes you feel right. And hate me now if it keeps you alright. You can break me down if it takes all your might. Cause I'm so much more than meets the eye. And I'm the one you can never trust. Cause wounds are ways to reveal us. And yeah I could have tried and devoted my life to both of us. But what a waste of my time when the world we have is yours. So break me down if it makes you feel right. And hate me now if it keeps you alright. You can break me down if it takes all your might. Cause I'm so much more than all your lies. Hate me, break me down. So break me down. So break me down. So break me down if it makes you feel right. And hate me now if it keeps you alright. You can break me down if it takes all your might. Cause I'm so much more than meets the eye.

I was at a pretty low point by this time. Made to feel broken.. used and dried up in the warmth of the Central Fire. I found my solace in working.. still. Cleaning up the itching powder that had now coated the entire Pink Nightmare. Wily helped... and we both spent the day running between the wagon and bathing. As much as we tried to keep the stuff off us.. it still lingered somewhere and the two of us were an itching couple well into the night. Vee and Ess had remained in their respectful wagon's... I think they were somewhat afraid of my temper over the whole situation. It was late into the night when Wily and I finished and we both had the last of our bath's.. when I called the twins to the fire. I didnt really yell... I more or less told them I was disappointed that all the work I had put into gathering.. crushing and mixing the herbs for what they destroyed.. had been lost. I reminded them of wasting... and how every plant that gave it's leaves.. stems or roots... well.. now there was nothing to show for it. I embellished... saying how those poor plants gave their lives for us... and now... it was gone.. wasted... never to be seen again... they died for nothing. I did have to hide a small smile as I watched the twins really soul search over this. Ess even looked to the grass.. and picked up His feet.. I could tell.. He thought more now on the life of all things.. not just animals or people. The twins were sent to bed... with a chore list for the next day that included replacing the lost herbs... and then some.

When I woke the next day after a few Ahn's of sleep... the boys were already gone. Wily went with them to keep an eye on the two and help them find the correct plants. Starr and Talia were busy cooking.. and Mia and Sonny were off learning of Trades and Clan's. I had sewing and repairs to keep me busy well into the afternoon. When I finally finished... I needed blackwine. It was off to the main fires. It took me by surprise to see Kam there... made me happy inside too. But still... inside.. something was eating away at me. Things and events of the past few hands that had unfolded into what is my world of Nightmares. I am still bitter over the whole Ramza thing. Im still pissed off at a few other's... and I am still searching for me. Ayg and Kam were yaking away... calling out duties and other Manly things when I got the urge to clean. Dirty dishes... picking up bota's.. replacing bowls to the supply... all the like. Ayg then asked Kam if I always took care of dishes as I was doing. Kam replied that I usually only did such when there was too much bouncing around in my head. Damn if that Man did not know me. I heard Ayg tell Kam that another one of His duties was to find out what was bugging me. He said He would.. when the time was right. That time turned out to be now. My.... "voice of reason" called me over to Him and began to ask me questions. I felt all eyes on me.. I thought everyone listened to hear what was being said... and I shut down. It was then that Kam wrapped an arm around my shoulders and led me out towards the thicker grasses where we could talk away from the other's. Everything around me was imploding.. the pressure in my chest.. my head... I thought I would just blow up into a gazillion, billion, million pieces of sticky chunks of flesh and bone. Kam.. Skies.. bless Him... broke through everything and made it all better with just a few words of reassurance and caring. I felt alittle better. I felt able to get through another night.. another day. He said He would help.. at least to talk some more and help me... find... me.

We returned to the fires... the slaves won in the Wars arrived along with Cana and a wagon full of wood. I cracked a few jokes... all that went unnoticed or ignored. But... what did I expect? Did I expect that everything would be alright now? That the words spoken by one of my most trusted friend and confidante would suddenly make things look better? Perhaps I wanted to be noticed and seen that I was here.. I was trying... and I needed their help to return. I needed them to see... me. I needed to know there was still a me.. still a Silken....

because there is so much more... than meets the eye.

Page 477 ~ Antique Pictures

I just didnt care anymore. It was rather easy to stand up to Fonce... even in His pissy mood. Pissy because He was guarding His personal side that held something dark in check. Not that He was nasty... He's never been so with me... but He still was restrained. Interesting. After I had found Him... or He found me.. however that came about... I stood up and made my direction to Him. He... wanted to know me... the real me.. my secrets?? Fine. I had a few whoppers to share. And I did. Once I had offered a few chapters in the book of Silken... He asked some questions... which I must admit.. were nice to voice the answers to. He cared enough to ask... I cared enough to answer. Now.. whether or not He got anything out of what I had reveiled... I dont know. Yet. I did however leave... feeling rather stripped of some cover... part of my shell was missing... the air was getting to my insides and they felt sticky and raw. I took to hiding in the Nightmare... among the countless vial's.. jar's.. bowls and whatnot's. It was easy to melt into the surroundings. Until... Vee and Ess came in. I heard them first.. each claiming to "Im gonna tell Momma!!!" So when they entered.. I already had a heads up. I looked to each... and I made the mistake of asking... "So? What's up?" The two began a tirade of words that mixed like rushing waters.. each trying to overpower the other.. and eventually they were both screaming. A yank of hair.. a shove of shoulder.. kick to the shin.. a punch to the gut and the boys were a flying dust cloud of fists and feet. I was about to step in.... not to stop them mind you.. but to pick them up and drop them outside... when Vee grabbed a vial of liquid from my working table and threw it at Ess. Unfortunately.. it happened to be kaiila piss and it landed it's mark.. dousing the young Warrior. Ess retaliated and grabbed the nearest container to Him. My jaw dropped... I could see myself and hear myself in slow motion.. diving for the container. I was.. too late. White powder flew everywhere. Itching powder. I cursed.. rather profusely.. which.. took the twins by surprise. They were sure a beating was to follow. I did the best I could by standing up and brushing off most of the powder except that which had gone down the back of my vest... not to mention the front. I pointed to the platform and uttered a single.. "Out!" and the boys shuffled outside. I followed... and one was placed on each side of the platform. "You will sit there and not leave for the next Ahn. Think about what you both just did. After that.. come find me" I left them to suffer for the time being.. stinking of piss and itching wildly. I was not all that cruel.. and headed off to get a bath ready for them. The slaves started to heat some water while I stopped by the fires to get a blackwine... and uhhhh... itch. The corner of a wagon did nicely.. and rather amused those at the fires. I do believe Sev found it the most interesting if not funny. The twins made it only about 20 Ehn before they came running. We would have our talk later... but for now.. I allowed them to wash off the powder and ease the itch. A jar of the itching counterant was also supplied.. and not long after their bath.. they emerged.. nekkid.. red.. but relieved. Both backsides were given a swat and sent them off to seperate wagons until I called for them back at my fires. I then headed into the wagon to rid myself of the scratchies. The day had gone to shit... but I was used to it. Taking things in stride seem to follow me now. "It is what it is...." I say alot... but deep down inside... it sucks. Part of me was exposed. Part of me was crying out to be noticed... to be comforted. But... it itching took top priority. I sank down into the water.. my liquid blanket to shield me from the world outside. And as I washed away the powder and dirt of the day... I sighed. I knew the outside would soon attach itself back to me... to my conscious thinking....

and I just didnt want it to.

Page 476 ~ Im a... Frayed-knot

Nerves. They are unkind and senseless. Sitting on my ass.. wondering of the ifs and what nots... did nothing but tear me apart. It was Jax that snapped me back... approaching quietly and without a word. He stood there for a long time before I looked to Him. He said.. He was wrong. That His advice to me was out of protection... not truth. He said.. "Go and find what you desire.. dont hide. Tell Him everything... be yourself... dont be what other's think you should be. Ultimately.. it is you, Silken... that needs to be seen." I didnt smile.. I nodded.. because His words only confirmed what I felt inside. It didnt matter what Tarra and Nette had said... perhaps they too wanted to protect me. In speaking to them long ago.. I had taken the words to deeply and formed my own idea of what they meant. Did I want to be treated that way? Maybe so. Did I want to get His attention? Yes. But how.. how do I do this? I tried my best... I failed. I was wrong. So... I left Jax and went in search of Fonce. Determined to tell Him that I was sorry. Sorry for acting not me. Sorry for avoiding Him. Sorry for being a dumb ass. I found Him. And yes.. I told Him these things. That the advice I had asked for was not right for me. I had followed it... in hopes it might help me. I was wrong. Skies.. I was wrong. He told me I should have asked Him. Who better to ask than Him? He was right. He told me that He doubted everything I had told Him, that I didnt care. He has every right to feel that way. But.. He would be wrong. He said He didnt know me... behind all the secrets and hiding. He is right. He doesnt know me. No one knows... me... but He will. I know how I feel.. I know everything I said to Him was and is from the heart. Now... its up to me to show Him that I meant it.. every last word and breath.. I mean it. He was angry.. saying people gossiped about Him. I didnt mean for it to appear that way. I asked advice... it was my fault for the other's answering. I felt so small.. and the lashing I was getting from Him... beat me into the dirt so hard I thought I'd never rise from it. But He told me.. not to wallow in my mistakes. And I would not. He asked me.. what would I do with the words I got right from His mouth. And I told Him.. I would heed them. I got up and brushed myself off as He left muttering. I stared at my bowl of blackwine for awhile. Mulling over everything He had said.. past.. and present. I knew just what I had to do. He wanted to know me... He wants to know Silken. He wants to know the Woman behind all the masks. He wants to know secrets and things I hide. I have something to show Him.
And yes... it is me.

Page 475 ~ Can't live with 'em... and ya can't kill 'em

Ive been on this tangent for sometime now. Ive voiced my opinion and such even to them. Men. They all just plain suck. Every last one of them. From the top of the line right down to the bottom feeding idiots. Now.. somewhere in the middle.. well more up towards the top.. are my Son's. My oldest is a grown adult.. and even He shows signs of brain rot already. Why? Because the other's have.. gotten to Him. Planted a pod somewhere under His wagon and overnight.. sucked the rational thought from His brain and replaced it with... stupidity. So far.. Wily is immune.. but He was never right from the start.. probably because His Father wasnt. Then there is Vee and Ess. Shi's son's. Enough said. The rest of the wandering masses of testosterone laden blobs of wisdom settle into other catagories too complex to yet file away in my brain.

I sat there last night and watched them.. each and every one. I wonder just what in the name of the Sky.. I ever saw in any of them. Why would I ever want to be around them any more than I have to? Any purposeful reason flew out the window last night. Occasionally.. you do get one that is resillant and can think for Himself.. or about other's for that matter. But mostly it's a giant pissing contest and who has the biggest pecker. It's about who has the best slave.. who can make her scream the loudest.. how many bosk they have.. yadda yadda yadda. Of course.. I know this isnt a bad thing and it is the mentality they are acustomed too and their right to do so... but.. come on! Give me a break. Im sure this all has to do with the LoveWars. Fighting for the right's and ownership of female flesh bound to a stake. Boasting and boosting their manly instincts into overdrive. So... Is this the way to stroke a Man's ego now? Is this how you get their attention these days? I used to know the answer... Now.. Im not so sure. I had pulled out all the stops at one point... sending little notes... gifts.. food... even took a spin of riding by the wagon several days in a row... offering to help.. to talk... sometimes just to be seen. Didnt seem to do a damn bit of good. So... I dont bother anymore. Im perfectly content to just watch what unfolds now. Mainly because I know it does not involve me. And it would seem certain people were right in telling me... That wasnt for me. I sorta believe them now.. but that still doesnt ease the ache of what I thought I wanted. I was the dumbass for pouring my heart out and speaking what I felt in my chest. Wont happen again.

There is only one thing left to do....

Keep a weathered eye on the horizon and watch. Open my eyes and look...

for the one with the hands that are big enough.

Page 474 ~ No purpose or place

I feel like there is no need for conversation.

Some questions are better left without a reason.

And I would rather reveal myself than my situation.

Now and then I consider, my hesitation.

The more the light shines through me,

I pretend to close my eyes.

The more the dark consumes me,

I pretend I'm burning, burning bright.

I wonder if the things I did were just to be different.

To spare myself of the constant shame of my existence.

And I would surely redeem myself in my desperation.

Here and now I'll express, my situation.

There's nothing ever wrong but nothing's ever right.

Such a cruel contradiction.

I know I cross the lines its not easy to define.

I'm born to indecision.

There's always something new some path I'm supposed to choose.

With no particular rhyme or reason.

I tried to sleep.. mainly I tried to relax. Nothing ever seems to come easy for me.. infact.. I honestly expect it to be that way. If something actually went cut and dry.. I'd be shocked. Prolly pass out on the spot. But with all I deal with.. or try to figure out or understand... I just wind up being more flustered than before I started.

Ive kept a low profile... if not avoided people totally. I do not want to be placed back into the thoughts or feelings I had the last time I visited the fires. I cant be accused of something falsely again... not now. Not when I am completely questioning my own exsistance and purpose. To those that do cross my path.. everything seems fine. I can bluff with the best.. and I would rather do that than engage in some intellectual thought pattern that only seems to strip away more of my shell and leave the real me exposed. For a moment there... I was willing to let it hang out. uhhhh mistake. big mistake. I trusted... for what reason and why.. I dont know right now. Blind I guess. Hopefull. Misled. Stupid. I shake my head constantly now... I mean.. Who was I kidding.... That I would have ever had a chance. Aunt was right... and I cant even admit it to Her. In a way.. the move of wagons towards Turia for the Wars was welcomed. A diversion away from me and for me. Yet.. under this layer of confusion and hurt... I still have my mind languishing over my troubles. Im tired of the vortex of "what if's". If I have to think about them anymore... I'll scream... or worse. When I snap.. it's not pretty. I lose all track of time and place. I have to avoid this at all costs. I have to sleep... even if it means exhaustion from the dreams. The fire.. the darkness that surrounds the single point of light that grows and chases me. The form within the fire that taunts and bids me closer. So.. I throw myself into work. Day and Night.. trying to no longer be pursued by the wall of fucked up dreams. A healer in need of healing. But there is nothing in the medical journals that can treat this. The tea's only mask the compounded slabs of data bouncing around this cortex of mine. Pardon the pun.. but its like putting a wrapcloth on a broken leg.

So you see... going to Turia might be a blessing. Much as I hate the city.. the dwellers and how they smell... the walls and the stupidity of the minds behind them... perhaps.. I could disappear. Honestly get lost... if not lose myself. No one would notice... they havent as of yet. No one would care. Might be a good thing.

It just might.

Page 473 ~ Resting place

I can dish it out.. and I can take it. That is something I would have said about myself once before. Last night.. was not a night I took it very well. Went to the fires last night.. mistake. Yeah.. I know.. I keep telling myself not to go. I was under a false sense of security. I am not any longer. Got my blackwine.. along with the jitters. Took a lean against a wheel. I swear the wagon was moving... or.. was that just me? Now.. add the Ubar.. entering the fire area. Add the Ubar walking right over to the same wagon I had taken up residency at. Throw in the Ubar leaning against the same wagon I was. Combine all the ingredients... Silken get nervous. He entered into some light passing conversation. Casual.. nice.. not all that bad. Then He left. It was kinda like.. playing dead... perhaps the preditor will just sniff you and continue on it's way. So anyway... people came and went... conversations drifted past my semi-conscious thoughts.. and I remembered I need some supplies from the main wagon. Little bit of salt... blackwine... and some sugar. Stuff to make my candies.. cure some meat.. and of course the fuel to keep me away while I escaped my brain. My trade route would need to be attended soon. With the Wars approaching.. it would bring many new customers and perhaps lots of neat and unusual items to be bartered for. I came out of the supply wagon and asked if anyone needed anything. Ayg immediately went into giving me the third degree. Where.. when.. who and what. I answered.. The Outpost... Soon.. with Jax and for supplies. He more or less made it clear that He wanted me to join them on the trip to Turia. I had no choice but to agree reluctantly. So trading is off for a time. Now... I also needed some arrows. Wily had asked to do some hunting. Seems His talks with the other older boys.. errr Young Men had razzled Him into thinking He needed to be the Man around the wagon. I agreed to take Him out to hunt. Admittingly.. I dont know much about hunting. Other than point and shoot. I dont know really what it in season.. what I might find a particular spot... those sort of details... but I know how to aim.. when to shoot and what to kill. Ayg got all up in my stuff with questions. Questions that I didnt know how to answer without looking stupid. There... in front of other's... I felt small. Dumb. I couldnt answer the questions He posed.. and the more He asked and the more I tried to find the answers... the more irrated He got. Or... so I thought. Eventually.. He told me to stop lying to Him. That was the first dagger stuck into my head. I tried not to show my disappointment. I told Him I wasnt. He then insinuated that I was perhaps intending to go after a certain band of Raiders. Insert blades three, four and five here. They cut through my skull like a hot poker into butter. I swear to the Skies... I had no such idea.. it hadnt even crossed my mind honestly. But I knew the Man would not believe me. Another case in point where someone did not trust me enough to see I had changed. Did everything He said the other night.. just go flying out the smoke flap? The thank you's for obeying His words... meant nothing now? Apparently. I could not argue with Him... I did however tell Him that I had no desire to go hunting for the Raiders. I also reminded Him.. in case He forgot.. that I was not allowed past the edge of the herds. Surely the Raiders were well beyond that point now.. so how far would I have gotten. One Woman.. alone against a group for that matter even. I was not stupid. Yet.. some seem to think I am.

I left in quite a hurry. Emotions threatened to over come me. I would not cry in front of anyone. Never. Ever. I would not rant and rave.. nor would I snap back at anyone. So I went to the stream. It was there I stayed for the remainder of the night. Jax was within the shadows.. keeping a watch on me. He didnt approach.. He didnt speak. I was glad.. I didnt think I could. All the while those blades in my head were twisting and turning... even my vision was blind with sharp stabs of pain. There would be no release of anger.. no purging of rage.. and no solice to the pain I felt. It was that night I realized.. just how alone I was.

Add a dagger to my heart....

It just... seems right.

Page 472 ~ Growl, Snarl... HissHiss

That little voice in my head... errr ok several loud prominate voices in my head.. told me... no.. warned me NOT to go to the fires. Stay away ! Save yourself! Damn.. I never did listen too well. I found my feet heading in that direction while the body said.. we are going to the stream. I was walking all twisted... again. Much like that day when I had a note to drop off to Fonce and part of me said not too. Either way... I gave into the lower half and sauntered over to get a bowl of mainfire blackwine. No sooner did I scoop it up... and not even a greeting extended yet.. than... my name was called. Loud and strong. "SILKEN!" Holy splintering blackwine bowls, Boskman! My arms jerked up.. I saw the precious liquid rise up in a stream and I had to juggle around to catch most of it back in the bowl as it fell back down. Pretty proud of myself too... only a few drops spilt. A slow turn and there sat Ayguili on the greys. My chance to run did come... He patted the furs beside Him saying He wanted to talk to me. Me? Hell... Kae was beside me.. surely He meant Her. And I told Her so.. ya know... Hey.. The Ubar wants to talk to you. "Silken... come sit" Damn.. busted. Growl... hiss. I made my way over there and sat. Not close but not not far away out of total fear.. heh. Ayguili then floored me. Thanking me for heeding His words... not going out after Nette. He told me He was sorry.. He knew Nette and I were close. He thanked me for giving Him the respect or at least respect of His station. Well.. big DUH! I told Him not to thank me. I was not thanks I needed. I also told Him.. had I gone.. I could have found Her. In my mind.. I had to think that. I had to make myself think that. I couldnt stand to let it go and know that I had failed yet another Sister. I didnt protect Her. I had promised to always be there and I wasnt. I failed. Skies.. I failed. So dont thank me for failing.

But... Yes.. true there was much I needed to say to Him right then and there.... I had learned to shut your mouth at the fires. Not speaking in public seemed to work very very well. Yes.. a lesson I had finally learned. Yet... the harder one of "asking" to speak to someone in private elluded me still. I dont know how to do that. I probably never will. So... what I needed to say and speak of.. once more went to file in those unresolved catch buckets in my brain.

Enter Ramza... Silken scoots closer to Ayguili. Did She fear Ramza? Ohhh hell no! But She did fear.. opening Her mouth or standing up and decking the Monkeyasswonderboy. He tried to speak to me... even appologize for what happened. I told Him not to. He said... "Next time when I say something.. listen to me" I told Him.. "Oh dont worry, I will not ask you a question ever again, if punching a Woman in the gut hard enough to shatter Her spine is how your respond" And I meant it. Lesson number two learned. Dont talk to Men. They either hit you when they dont know how to control you... or they slap a collar around your neck because they dont understand.. or they walk away and leave you more fustrated than when you began.. or.. or.. they just ignore you. Growl.. snarl. I called Ramza a jerk under my breath... and a boskarse. Ayg quietly reminded me that while He may be a jerk.... He was still a scarred Warrior and not to dishonor Him at the fires. I whispered back.. "Then with all due respect.. He is a scarred jerk boskarse Warrior." Ayg just rolled back to sit... and asked me how my children were. Huh? "Just fine.. thank you for asking" HissHiss. Head shake.

Is it so bad to give up? Is is really so horrible that I dont know where to go or how to move next? Keeping up this false facade that everything is fine and dandy seems to make people happy. Im not in any trouble and no one is pointing a finger a me... so... perhaps it is how things should be. If it works.. dont fix it.

So many pieces... I wouldnt know where to start.

Sigh.