Page 405 ~ Isolation Nation

Sitting with "This one" and "That one" as they nursed.. I watched the going's on around our wagon's. It's funny how when your thinking of nothing that everything seems to suddenly just bowl you over like a run away wagon. Things I hadnt thought of in ages.. people.. places. I was suddenly missing.. life. I looked down at my newborn son's... how they managed to still touch each other and take comfort in the closeness of one being with the other. I loved how they looked up to me.. how they needed me and in truth.. I needed them. Little fingers that touched my skin... how they tried to put feelings to touch.. wondering what they would say if they could talk at this moment. They began to sense my mood and "That one" who wasnt feeding started to fuss. I had no choice but to manuver the boys so that each could nurse at the same time. With one on each side.. I held those tiny heads in a hand while their bodies were craddled close against my ribs.. I swear by the time these boys stop nursing I will be carrying my "girls" under my armpits. The boys slowed their ravenous appetites and small eyelids closed. Jax came over to help me get each child to their furs and I took a moment to try and replentish my body with some boskmilk and vulo broth. When I was done with my small rest.. I headed to Ramza and Nette's wagon to leave a small box of cinni-candies. Having little time to sleep.. I made up a good batch of them.. storing some for the trip North... but I couldnt forget my Nette. I wanted Her to know I was thinking of Her. I missed Her so much. With Shi gone.. or rarely around long enough to say Tal or Be well.. I realized that I have no one to talk to about things. No one to confide in with secrets... desires and such. At least no one that wouldnt laugh or not understand my mind. There were so many things that I kept inside as my secrets.. alot I have never revealed to anyone... not even Shi. Mainly because He tends to not want to allow anything of the past to arise. He seems to brush it off or perhaps even feels threatened by certain things. I dont think I ever trusted anyone enough to share my secrets with. Came close to it once... but I was lucky to see true colors before I opened myself up to bleed and wasnt aided in the healing afterwards. How quickly people change. I can laugh now at those that throw stones.. those that warned me to be carefull.. yet.. dont heed their own advice. I tend to avoid them now. Its better that way.

After leaving Nette's wagon... I had travelled back to my wagon's where word reached me of Po and Meta's death. I was not surprised to hear about Sakmeta.. everything that floated on the winds had already spoken of Her demise... at least to anyone that could plainly see who and what had come to pass. Po... shocked me.. and I wasnt sure how to feel about it. As arrogant and stubborn as that Man was.. He was fun. He was a friend. There was a time when I thought there was something between Polunu and I.. something that could have grown deeper... there were sparks.. a kindling of sorts.. but those flames were quickly extinguished and we drifted apart... each taking our own path in life. For whatever reason.. Polunu took the wrong path and now.. He was gone. It is life on the Plains.. it is life with the Tuchuk. What was done to them was for the Tribe. Which makes what I feel twice as bad. I dont think I should feel sorry for Him... or even myself. I wonder if I could have done something more to help... or was it all to far gone and out of my reach to assist. I'll never know. So again.. I am left with another secret to lock away.. filed under unsolved and unresoluted.

It is time again for the birth of a new Tribe... new leaders and younger blood. I will sit back and watch.. help when I am needed.. come when called and stand when the group see's need. But I am isolated from life.. torn from those I love and the new wedge that snuck in when I wasnt looking.

But no matter what...

It's still always a good day to be Tuchuk.

Page 404 ~ Even if only in my dreams

My dreams are something that no one can take away from me. Not one.. not anything. They are mine. I can do what I want.. when I want and with who. So on that idea... I slept tonight and had me a secret rendevous with my mystery Man. At first.. His face was who I wanted it to be.. but my mind rarely stays put in one place for very long... much like me when Im awake... so.. images of past and present Men in my life filtered into my vision. There were a few... nice to see.. a few not so nice... it left my heart hurting and my head aching. There was one that.. I am so torn upon. One that... to this day.. if He walked back from the dead.. I am not so sure I could turn Him away. My dreams are like that.. yes. Of course.. this is impossible. They are all dead and ashes. It's just that... around the time of moving.. I always get so... sentimental and this is where the emotions surface... or should I say attack. I woke wondering about decisions.. choices.. I have made... were they the right one's? Most would say I deserved everything I got... perhaps I do. I feel different. I dont think I deserve it. After all.. wasnt it Tarra that said I need to think and live for me?
So I went to the fires... not surprised that I found a few there. Surprised at some info. I found out about those returning. I did check on Polunu... He seems.. ok.. for lack of a better word. I'll keep checking on Him periodically. I also stopped by to see Nette... hoping to hear She was back... or around somewhere. No luck. I miss Her. Was hoping to talk... toss the boskshit around.. ya know. Whatever may be. Seems there is just nothing left for this old relic around here anymore. I need to go back to sleep. Force myself to drift away...
I need to go find Him......
I need to be with Him....
have Him hold me.. whisper to me... touch me.... make love to me...

.... If only in my dreams.

My eyes are open wide
And by the way,
I made it Through the day
I watched the world outside
By the way,
I'm leaving out Today
Well, I just saw hailey's Comet shooting
Said why you always runningIn place?
Even the man in the Moon disappears
Somewhere in theStratosphere

Tell my mother,
Tell my father
I've done the best I can
To make them realise
This is my life
I hope they understand
I'm not angry, I'm just saying...
Sometimes goodbye Is a second chance
Please don't cry
One tear for me
I'm not afraid of What I have to say
This is my one and Only voice
So listen close, it's Only for today
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance.

Page 403 ~ He caught my attention

I needed to get away. Between Older kids contimplating the meaning of life.. Middle kids anxious and wanting to start the move.. Younger kids wanting to start their first wagon trip in the drivers seat.. and two newborns wanting nothing but milk.. milk and more milk... I was falling apart. Shi has been doing what Men do before the move... scouting.. planning.. hunting for last minute meats.. but.. I had not seen Him in hands... and it bothered me. For my own selfish reasons.. I was mad. And I stuck myself in that place I had sworn not to go to ever again... I was feeling deserted. Abandoned. But then part of me just said.. fuck it. Does it matter if you are?? No.. actually.. it does not... not anymore. I had seen this behavior in Shi before... and not with me. So... this was my realization and my acceptance speaking. It is who and what I am now. But it still sucks and I dont have to like it.
The smile maintained on my face was getting harder and harder to keep there... so it was time for a ride. And I did... to the dark edge of the plains near the Harigga. There I could smell the bosk and mix of fire.. grass and chill of the air. Energizing. I was there for sometime.. well into the night when the moons had just crested for the final slide downward before sunrise... when... I saw a figure against the horizon. It was male.. I could tell by the girth alone of the shoulders and body. He was back lit by moonlight and He simply stood.. watching me.. staring. Atop His mount... I could see nothing but His silloutte. He made no movement.. no threatening gestures.. and no sound. Mysterious. I found myself nervous.. but not from fear. It was nice to be looked at.. I thought. And I wondered just what He was thinking about me. Some thoughts made me blush. This figure was joined soon after by another.. and then a few more. They all then stared... and my intrique turned to more paniced thoughts. I rode back to my wagon... looking over my shoulder the whole time. Beta was left tied to my wagon and I scurried into the furs... trying to slow my heartbeat. The thoughts I was left with wouldnt allow the racing to cease. Nor was I allowed the embrace of sleep... only the torment of desires that would not be sated.
I was nice to be noticed.

Page 402 ~ Everythings blurry

Everything’s so blurry

And everyone's so fake

And everybody’s empty

And everything is so messed up

Pre-occupied without you

I cannot live at all

My whole world surrounds you

I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone

You could be my sea

You know that I’ll protect you

From all of the obscene

I wonder what you're doing

Imagine where you are

There’s oceans in between us

But that’s not very far

Can you take it all away?

Can you take it all away?

When ya shoved it in my face?

This pain you gave to me

Can you take it all away?

Can you take it all away?

When ya shoved it in my face?

Everyone is changing

There’s no one left that’s real

So make up your own ending

And let me know just how you feel

'Cause I am lost without you

I cannot live at all

My whole world surrounds you

I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone

You could be my sea

You know that I will save you

From all of the unclean

I wonder what you're doing

I wonder where you are

There’s oceans in between us

But that’s not very far

Can you take it all away?

Can you take it all away?

When ya shoved it in my face?

This pain you gave to me

Can you take it all away?

Can you take it all away?

When ya shoved it in my face?

This pain you gave to me

Oh, Nobody told me what you thought

Nobody told me what to say

Everyone showed you where to turn

Told you where to run away

Nobody told you where to hide

Nobody told you what to say

Everyone showed you where to turn

Showed you where to run away

Can you take it all away?

Can you take it all away?

When ya shoved it in my face?

This pain you gave to me

Can you take it all away?

Can you take it all away?

When ya shoved it in my face?

This pain you gave to me

No, this pain you gave to me

Take it all away

Take it all away

Pain ya gave to me

Take it all away

This pain you gave to me

Take it all away

This pain you gave to me



:::sighs::: yeah... its just THAT bad. :::returns to Her wagon and disappears inside once more:::

Page 401 ~ It just feels different

When Shi came to the river... I was happy to see Him.. but it felt different. I delivered Ba'atar's message and from what I gathered... Shi spoke to Him or got a message of His own in return. At least Ba' knows that some Men are very busy during this time before the move... always a good thing.

The babies are doing well... discovering more and more about them each day. I take time when they are napping to see people at the Nightmare. There are many. My morning was filled and I needed a break so I sought out the main fire and found Ba' and two wenches there. Spoke with Ba' for a few on things that He needed to know and asked if there was anything else... other than delivering messages to Shi that I could do. He asked me to check out His sons and Cana before the move. Well... this had me hesitant. I know that if Cana had a problem.. She would go to Falon. The newer generation seek Her out while the older one's come to me. I dont take offense to this.. it doesnt doesnt feel right to some... and infact would love it if Falon were here more to help with the load... but She doesnt seem the same since Her brother passed. It's ok.. things will return to normal.. they always do.

So I stopped by Cana's wagons.. finding Her working on hides and things. We sat and talked.. something we havent done in a long long time. It was nice. I gave Her the wooden box.. the one that I always gave to the Ubar's and their Mate. The one with all the trinkets of love and wishes... it was Her's now for safe keeping.. and I hoped for a long time. I didnt want it back so soon this time. I told Her of the story that went along with it. She seemed to understand it's meaning. I wonder what She and Ba' will come up with to put inside of it. I know all I have put inside that box over the many years.. how simple to another it may seem but how profound it's meaning to me.It will be interesting someday to know. I also gave Her a satchel of cinnimon candies. I know She likes them and they also help with the ill tummy. She seemed pleased with this as well. I let Cana know that it was Ba'atar's wish that She and the boys come to be checked over before the move. She said She would come by when the line wasnt so long.. and I told Her that... She should know now.. She goes to the head of the line.. there would be no waiting for Her. Yes.. She was still Cana... still of the Kaiila Clan... but She was different now. She is the Ubar's Mate. That alone brings honor and privlidges.

Everything is just so... different.

Am I ?

Here it is

Welcome to my new journal.
Dont mind the some 400 posts this month... had to transfer them from the old journal.
You will see the original post date in all the old entries.. from now on.. they should match.. I think. lol
Thanks for reading and enjoy !!!
xoxo
~Silken

Page 400 (10/4/2008) My vicious cycle

Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices
Inside my head
Lay down with me
Tell me no lies
Just hold me close,
Dont patronize
Dont patronize me
I cant make you love me
If you dont
You cant make your heart feel
something it wont
Here in the dark
in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And Ill feel the power
but you wont
No, you wont
Cause I cant make you love me
If you dont
Ill close my eyes
then I wont see
The love you dont feel
when your holding me
Morning will come
and Ill do whats right
Just give me til then
to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight
I cant make you love me
If you dont
You cant make your heart feel
something it wont
Here in the dark
in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And Ill feel the power
but you wont
No, you wont
Cause I cant make you love me
If you dont


The blues still had a good hold on me... mostly because I hadnt seen or heard from Shi since the boys were born. I know.. damnit I know Men are busy.. but Im tired of this. I thought it would be different this time.. I thought I wouldnt feel this way ever again... but a trip to the fires simply floored me and brought me back to that state.. that state of utter hopelessness. I saw Cana.. Ba' and Tarra. Ba' asked me to relay a message to Shi that He wished to speak to Him. I said I would leave Him a note... but that wasnt good enough. Ba' said I had to give Shi the message personally. Good luck... I thought.. but told Ba' I would do so at my first opportunity... but wanted to add.. dont hold your breath. Cana and Ba' left.. and that had just Tarra and I at the fires. I know now and accept that something has changed between us.. be it my past mistakes.. or just the fact people dont trust me .. whatever it is.. we do not speak as we once did. There is a distance between us.. and I fear it will never be fixed. Maybe it's better this way... I wont hurt Her ... or anyone anymore... because Im so... screwed up. I did ask Her to please ask the kids to come see the babies. And was told She would tell them.. speak to them.. but wasnt sure they would. I sensed before that might be a problem there... and found that Arkus and Hallie are having trouble with the fact Shi doesnt give them much time. What could I do but nod. I could not and would not make excuses for Shi. But I did ask Tarra to make sure they knew I wanted them to come.
Tarra left soon after.. leaving me feeling like I had Dar-kosis... I feel that no one wants to be around me and its because of how I used to be. So much for trying. Perhaps Im wrong... but Im most likely right. Either way... Im still here.. and Im still trying... even if it's to the behind the back laughter and jokes at my expense.
Im honestly sick over the thought that these children.. and not just mine.. have been abandoned over and over... wondering who and what will come next. Is it that way for mine? Do they see what other's see? And am I still in denial that the cycle was broken. Im destined to be misrable forever.. I guess Im supposed to just be alone.. caring and tending for all these kids. Healing those in need and helping the People. Im just not supposed to love.. or be loved. I am supposed to be... just.. here. Just me... and myself... alone. If I can get that into my head.. maybe everything will be alright.
If I cant...
Im going to die

Page 399 (10/2/2008) Memories.. like a dagger in the neck

Our new little warriors are doing just fine. Hungry little Men.. happy.. healthy. I have ventured much past my wagon what with the two of them and really no sign of Shi lately. I know He is busy as is everyone else with the move coming soon. While "This one and That one" nursed... I found my journal and instead of writing.. I read. I read for a long time from page one. And... I cried. So much has been documented.. and I wonder why in the name of the Sky did I ever write this stuff down? Why would I want to remember all the pain and hurt... but yes the good was nice to remember. I wonder why I was so stupid to give me heart to a Man that betrayed me.. that lied so easily to my face.. that hurt me so bad I still bleed to this day. Men.. that tore me to shreds... used me... and then let me go as if a dirty piece of laundry. Shi tells me I wasnt stupid.. but instead naive. That is hardly a consillation. I kept reading well into the night... and when This one and That one had finally finished nursing again... I laid them to their furs to sleep. Still.. I kept reading.. I felt more trapped than ever and started to wonder if I would ever truely get what I needed and so badly wanted. I could not blame Shi this time.. He has been wonderful. He has been trying.. but still I want more. Ive determined that... there is NO man alive that could ever give me what I need. My desires are just to great and as vast as the plains themselves. The more I read.. the more I became so lost in memories... I started to have trouble breathing. For several moments... I didnt know who I was.. where I was... or what I should be doing. As I looked around the wagon.. it was foreign to me... and yet I started to look through things. It was simply coincidence that I came across that small silver tin that held my kanda. I knew inside that I shouldnt open it.. I knew that I should toss it away... hide it again... but I opened it. I heard Shi screaming at me deep within my mind.. but I didnt listen.. I closed my eyes and I slipped two leaves into my mouth. Chewing and sucking on the leaves... that warm.. slipping away feeling crept over me. Nothing mattered for those moments.. until...
the babies started crying. I screamed.. snapped back to life.. back to living.. and back to rational thought. Looking down.. I saw the tin in my hands.. I tasted the leaves in my mouth.. and I gasped. The tin was dropped and scattered the contents on the crate below me. I looked to my boys.. and started shaking. Running out of the wagon I found Shanay... while scooping out the remnants of the leaves from my mouth. Telling Her to watch the twins... my babies... my new little boys... I was sobbing. I grabbed a bota of water and drank the entire content of skin down as I headed to the pens. Saddling up Beta... another water bota taken and downed.... I shook in absolute fear... knowing if Shi found out.. if He knew what I had done... He would simply kill me. I was ashamed and devistated. Then I rode. It was dark and cold when I finally reined my kaiila to a walk. I heard the trickle of water and closer inspection showed me I was near the stream. Still... in a stupor.. I couldnt have fought my way out of an untied dung sack... and once the kaiila approached the water... dropped his head to drink... I flopped over and dropped from the saddle.. hitting the beasts neck till the thud of the ground stopped me... and the back of my head splashed into the water. Nothing hurt.. only the screaming inside my head... telling me how stupid I was... telling me its ok.. you slipped Silken.. but you know you did wrong.. but your still dumb. I felt cold... shivering... the sound of my teeth chattering inside my head was deafening. But I managed to curl up beside the river to silent tears that just didnt stop. my kaiila had left me... returning back to our wagons I suppose. I was content to stay right where I was... I couldnt have made it back to my wagon anyway in my mindset. My hands lay over my belly... which only receintly had held our two perfect lil Warriors. But now.. they were gone.. they werent mine alone anymore. I cant explain that feeling. To some it may seem selfish... but some Women just... feel empty after carrying a baby inside you for that long and then... they are gone.
The voices returned.... and I closed my eyes... whispering over and over.. Im sorry.. I didnt mean too...
Baby blues.

Page 398 (9/27/2008) The big brother

And so... two more small Warriors were born to the Tuchuks. Brother's... Sister's.. Father.. all present. The Sky (and the roll of dice) has a funny way of making up for past mistakes. Shi and I were gifted two beautiful boys. A first for Him.. and even me. Yes Me. You would think with all my kids.. how could I have a first anything? Twins of the same sex.

Much of the day I dont remember... but I do remember the moment Shi came into our wagon.. silent but with a determined look on His face. He picked me up gently and took me to Goldstar. It was here.. He said that He began life as a Tuchuk... and it was here.. that His children would begin as well. He gathered all the kids... giving them jobs... making sure each one wouldnt feel left out. But to all our surprise.. Wily was told He had an even more special job to do soon. I had no idea what Shi was up too... and at that moment.. I didnt really care. I was focused on delivering.. and trying to guide my eldest daughter with Her first birth. Shanay had cared for me... helping with the labor that was growing intense as darkness began to set in. A few times.. She questioned Her skills as a healer in study. Shi was wonderful.. encouraging Her.. guiding Her when I was unable to... and I know the two have a deeper respect and bond now because of it. I started to grow tired... even wondering if I could do this... I think every Mother says that during labor. But I was lucky to be answered with my Mate beside me... laying a hand to my belly.. and His other to my cheek. He gave me the strenght I needed to bring these babes into the world. Finally.. with Shi's help.. Shanay delivered the first to a cry of lung clearing whails. Shi lay the baby to my chest while He helped with the second. Every child within the wagon watched in amazement. Talia cried with happiness... Wily was thrilled He had more brother's... Starr gloated with Her prediction coming true... Mia and Sonny smiled... being a big brother and sister now. Shanay rested... wiping tears from Her cheeks while outside.. Her brother Dakota.. whooped it up with all the Men. Silence then swept around the wagon as Shi handed one baby to Wily and took the other into His arms.. He instructed Wily to follow Him. From where I rested.. I could see outside.. those that had gathered.. and my two Men with the newborns. Watching as Shi offered the baby up to the Sky... my lil Wily Man copied His every move. Shi asked for guidence and protection... and to welcome our son's to the people. Shi asked for no harm to befall them and give them strenght. When Shi looked down to Wily.. that little redheaded Tuchuk added in closing... or you will deal with the big brother. A bold threat from such a young Man... but Wily meant it. Shi chuckled as they brought the babes back to me and I now held these two beautiful boys in each arm. The children left us to ourselves and we stared in awe at what we had been given. Such perfect fingers and toes... strong arms and lungs... soft smooth cheeks that one day will be colored with the scars of our people. Each boy has dark red hair.. and I can see Shi in their tiny faces already. Both boys rested before growing hungry.. and with Shi's help they nursed for a time before falling asleep. I lay in the furs.. the babies sleeping swaddled between us. My hand rested over the boy's backs... Shi's hand over mine. When I looked over.. Shi was smiling... but asleep. His fingers gently stroking the back of my hand.
I wasnt sure what I did to deserve this... Im not sure I do.
But right now.. its pretty damn perfect.
Wouldnt you say?

Page 397 (9/25/2008) A part of me too

Sporatic pains began yesterday morning into the afternoon. I finished trading what I could... letting Dakota take over before early evening. When the last of the goods had been bartered... my son found me near the small fire outside the post. He had brought me a bowl of warmed paga cut with water by more than half. I was thankful for three reasons.. one, that my son was so caring two that it was paga and three... it was warm. The nights grow chilly and seem misrable when your alone... more so when your in pain. Once darkness fell and the moons light was hazed by approaching clouds... the pain became worse. More frequent and it was all I could do to keep talking to Dakota. Suddenly I felt warmth and at ease. I looked up to see Shi enter the firelight. I wanted to kill both of them.. Kota for calling Him and Him for coming... but I knew He would know I needed Him... I just wouldnt admit to it. He helped me up and my Son and Jax readied our beasts to return to Goldstar. Kota rode ahead to prepare and Shi called to get the girl's to help. My Son would allow them to aid Him but knew my wishes to not have any slave nearby.. at least in killing distance or arms reach... out of sight was good too. So once everything was readied.. Dakota would send tanya off to be with the children. jesa... I rathered she got lost too. Its a known fact she belonged to that other jerkweed I was mated to once... and Im so glad she was given to Shi before that boskarse could hurt her too... but I still dont like slaves very much.. even the one's I tolorate and I especially dont want them around me now when Im at my most.. vunerable. I know Shi would never let anything happen to me.. I just dont need that extra worry and concern right now. With the Men's help... Shi lifted me up to the saddle of His kaiila before Him. His arm craddled at my back while the other held the reins and drapped over my rather large belly. I could feel His grip tighten around me when my stomach took to contracting.. rolling.. tightening.... it was all I could do to remain upright during it. We rode in the dim light of night. Now and then I rested.. even napped against His shoulder and chest.. listening to thebeat of His heart against my ear. So strong and so full of life... a shame people dont know the Shi that I know. If they took the time and really saw past the outer shell.. they might just be surprised.. but that's another story. But I did have to rest.. I was pretty sure I was going to be on my own for this.. so to speak. Shanay and Dakota would be there... but I didnt think Shi the type to... take over and direct... or the type to be forcefull enough with me to get the job done. Well... who didnt whine just alittle bit during labor... ehhh? Im not sure which kept me warmer during the ride back... Shi or the paga... but they were both nice. And when we arrived back at our circle of wagons... He lowered me to an awaiting Dakota who gathered me in His arms... thankfully.. my legs were numb and I couldnt stand at first. Dakota crouched down as our small tribe came over... kisses and hugs... smiles and some masks of concern. I managed a smile and a few jokes to ease our children and told them by next night... they would greet another member or members to our family. tanya gathered them up and would get them to sleep and tomorrow she planned activities to keep them busy well into the night. I calculated I had perhaps another 10 Ahn to go... give or take. I needed my rest.. I needed my strenght. Shanay brought the tea that would help me sleep.. She even prepared a kettle of blackwine for Shi. He walked over and took me from Kota's arms and brought me into His wagon. He sat with me on the furs... holding me... brushing hair from my forehead and rubbing my belly. I whispered a few requests of things I wanted brought in.. special furs.. my medical kit and so on... just before sleep took me. Shi was speaking low... I couldnt understand what He said... but just the low drone.. the lull of His voice.. sent me into soft dreams of sun and grass... so vivid.. I could even smell it. It was morning before I knew it.. and I woke with a terrible twinge of pain... and called for Shi. He was still there... I dont think He moved all night. When I gasped... He tightened His arms around me... kissed my cheek and whispered... Im here love. I smiled.. I nuzzled against Him... and then I whispered....
It's gonna be a long day.

Page 396 (9/24/2008) No rest for the wicked

It was the sudden burst of energy that had me calculating the days till the birth. I had rested most of the day near that old wagon of mine... Dakota and I were left alone to talk.. to think.. and to plan. The last time I was here.. it was me with all the bright and well.. not so bright idea's. Was it so smart for me to return to the Main Harigga that fatefull day 20 passings ago? Was it even smarter to have let that Tuchuk Commander catch up with me... perhaps I should have rode harder. When He offered me the choice to return with Him.. as His.. or die.... could I have thought twice? Would I have wanted to miss Shanay and Dakota growing up... and missed the chance to have my Wilybug.. my Talia... my Midnight Starr... my precious Mia and Sonny.... ??? Could I have stayed working as a back wagon healer.. would I have missed everyone that I love so dearly at those first wagons... all good questions... no real answers. Skies... a person could go crazy thinking about this stuff.
So the day moved on and my pains eased to the point I could hide them from my Son and Jax enough to continue to the Outpost to set up for trading. Dakota kept close to me.. several times asking if He should send Enu back to retrive Shi. I adamently shook my head each time... Shi was busy and not to be bothered... besides.. what was He going to do... stand around and watch me?? phulleeseeeee !! It was several Ahn's later when I noticed Enu missing.... and My Son.. so eloquently stated that He was out scouting the area. MmmmHHHhhmmmm... right Dakota. He had sent Him back to inform Shi. I knew it.. but that redheadded..blue eyed handsome face just grinned that little grin of His and continued to His work.
Word came that the wagon torches and lanterns were seen about 4 Ahn's turning from the outpost... they would prolly begin arriving in the wee Ahn's of morning. An area was set up for them to hitch to along with a resting spot till first light. I always avoid trading at night... unless necessary. Easier to see who is lurking and where.
Once again I was forced to rest. Dakota at my side... His hands gently massaged oil into my back to help with the cramping. Once and awhile He would place a hand to my tight stomach.. feeling the rolling and the push of legs and arms against His palms. He whispered to me.. "Soon Mother" and I nodded... He would make a good healer... He'd been taught well. But His heart was serving His people as a Commander... and this made me smile. I closed my eyes to dream of Shi... the way I want it to be.. the way I need it to be.. the way I need Him to be... and finally the tension in my body relaxed. My Son drew me against Him and pulled a small fur over me. He sat with His paga near the fire.. humming quietly. I couldnt change anything I wanted to... but at least I could have what I wanted and needed in my dreams. I did fight to keep my dreams to myself.. to keep them from travelling the plains and reaching Shi... I took comfort in the fact I could finally dream...
and the screaming had stopped.

Page 395 (9/23/2008) Time but not enough

Several nights ago I received word that the caravan's were on the move. This is my normal time to ride and meet them with all the stored goods to trade. I couldnt find Shi.. I couldnt find anybody... no surprise. So I left word with Flip n Flop to deliver the message to whoever might be seen that me and the other five Men were riding out to Trade. I thought I would not go this time.. Im past the point of hiding my belly now. Its quite obvious... the birth will be soon. I took four wagons full of hides, brushed furs, paga, trinkets, lotions, potions, slaves and salves to barter with. We would need salts, sugars, furs and of course medical supplies. I tried to guess at what everyone might need... mental lists ya know.
The plains seem unusually bumpy this time... though I know the trails like the back of my hand.. Jax has been getting an ear full each time we drive over a lump. I swear He hits the rocks just to piss me off. Dakota rides close to me.. in silence.. but always watching. As we close in on that wagon that He was born in... it seems ages ago when I first held Him and His sister. Ive asked Jax to stop nearby so I could reminisse abit... just a bit. My belly grows tighter.. rolling harder with the babes movement.. anxious to be in the world.. and make a presense known. Or is it my tension at being near this place.. that old bogged down wagon... Skies.. the memories flood back like it was yesterday. I rubbed my palms against the round of my stomach.. talking softly.. easing perhaps myself into thinking everything would be alright.
Things have changed... Ive changed.. and Im not sure Im ready for it. I dont want to be a burden.. I dont want to hold Shi back... I dont want to be that tarnished spot against Him. Should He suffer because of my past? Because of my shortcommings? No... but it is the way it is. Nothing I could say or do would change that... but I can try. I can still do something. I hope.
As we stopped near my first wagon... I felt thefirst of a sharp pain in my side. It made me wince and Dakota was glued to my side.. helping me from the bench to the back of the wagon to lie down. I assured Him I was ok.. just a cramp... but even my Son knows me better. The Men rested... I think I will too.
Just a little nap.

Page 394 (9/15/2008) A little too late

The next morning... I found tanya not resting in the wagon set for her... but she was out making blackwine and cleaning. It surprised me and shocked me all the same. From the watch point of my platform... I stayed quiet... seeing how the girl moved. It was obvious she was in pain.. every stretch.. every step made her wince.. her back was red.. already bruising.. and I would need to work on that later so she didnt look.. too bad. When finally I stepped to our small fire pit.. tanya turned and approached.. knelt and whispered her greetings. I reached and touched the side of her face gently.. asking how she was. she replied she was fine.. I knew she lied and told her so with a tug of her hair. she said what was done.. was over and there was no use in dwelling on it. she would heal.. the pain would go away. I didnt argue or scold her further. I told her that I would want to apply some ointments to her back to help her.. and she refussed.. saying she didnt wish to anger Shi by taking away what He had done. I didnt think it fair that she had to suffer from such an excessive beating... especially since her skin was not broken in to the whip. All the same.. she said.. she wished I would not further aid with her back. I shrugged and nodded.. not upsetting her further with worry she was making Shi displeased. Sending her to do her chores.. she walked about the campsite and I asked her what happened that night. she told me about dancing for Ba'atar and Cana.. this.. made me drop my bowl of blackwine. I asked if they were displeased with her dance?? Is this why Shi beat her?? she said no.. that they were quite gratfull and really enjoyed her dancing.. that she had pleased them.. very much... and that she was told to express their pleasure to Shi and I. I asked if she had done so.. did she tell Shi. she said no.. not yet. well.. shit !!! I walked to her and grabbed her by the shoulders and turned her to face me... "Why in Gor's great Sky did you not tell this to Shi??" I was nearly screaming at her. she looked at me.. emotionless and simply said.. "If a girl told Master at that moment about her dancing and bringing honor to Him, Master would have taken that as she was trying to gain sympathy.. or perhaps avoid punishment and it would have meant nothing" she added that in time she would tell Him of her dance.. and how she did so to honor Him and me. her reasoning held water with me... I understood exactly what she was saying.. and now I was all the more angry at what happened. He needs to know.. I thought. He needs to know the girl works hard to be an example.. and to be proper. I had to send tanya off to rest.. at least out of my sight.. because the more I looked at her the more I wanted to shake her.. make her wake up and speak up. But deep down I knew that would never happen. tanya was trained.. hard.. strict and deeply with old laws... old ways. If Shi didnt see this.. didnt realize it.. I was going to whack Him upside the head with a skillet. He has no clue just what He was given in this girl. Maybe.. I question her being given to Him... maybe He isnt able to handle a girl such as her. she is much like I was... and He cant handle me like that.
This... is why Ive sunk into myself and I hide. This is why I am no longer loud and brazen. Why I am not confrontational.. why I dont stand up to things. Yes... its there.. its just under the surface.. waiting to be scratched and released... it is a constant struggle to contain it. But I too am afraid to let it go. Even more so now.. seeing the girl's back.
I know.....
That... coulda been me.

Page 393 (9/13/2008) tanya's tears

In all the turnings Ive known tanya... or had her as my slave... I can count on one hand how many times Ive seen her cry... and I would still have fingers left over. she is a tough girl... if there was ever an example of a slave that did what she should and act how a slave should.. it is her.
I had left her chained to Shi's wagon near the main fire.. with instruction to the guard that if the girl was needed to serve.. she could be released to do so. I went off to tend a young girl in labor. It was a difficult delivery.. newly mated... and now scaired out of her wits. It was very late when I finally returned to our wagons. I saw the chain empty and smiled. I figured Shi had come back and found the girl and she had told Him about being a gift to Him... He released her and everything was ok. It wasnt until I was washing up for sleep... when I heard the soft sobbing coming from under the wagon. I moved to investigate.. crouching down and peering into the darkness. I could see a form under it.. curled up.. and called out... Come out from there... who is that? I was taken back to then see tanya crawl from under the wagon. her usual neatly combed hair was rustled and wild.. her face was tear streaked... white trails had etched themselves in her cheeks. she knelt before me once out from under the wagon and expressed her greetings. I could hear it in her voice... something was wrong. When I asked her.. she replied that Master had accepted my gift to Him and He had taken her as His slave. So... I wondered.. why the water works? I asked her to bring me a wet cloth.. only then.. when she stood up.. did I see the angry welts and dots of blood on her back. It made me cringe. I let her return with the cloth and then kneel... told her to stay.. where I went and got my satchel and some furs. Spreading the furs out on the ground near the fire.. I had tanya lay to her stomach. she'd never been whipped before... ever. her flesh was not used to such... it showed in the breaking of skin.. not torn.. but blood seeped from a few spots. she told me another one of Shi's girls had put some salve on her... but it wasnt the stuff I made and used. The welts still glowed fire hot... I could feel the heat coming from them.... but how pretty they were against her dark skin. I didnt tell her this. I counted at least 5 strikes.. they were heavy.. Shi held nothing back. I shook my head wondering why on Gor He would beat her like this... especially one so new to the whip... but I would not openly question Him. He was a Man... I had no say. Carefully.. I wiped the old salve... I know it hurt.. I tried to be gentle as possible... still tanya tried so hard not to cry.. she was fighting herself to stop it. I dabbed the blood from her back and applied fresh clover oil and my special salve that started to take the flame from each welt. tanya sighed with a breath of relief as the stinging eased away. Loosely... I tied her hair up... wrapping it atop her head and lay a light cloth over her back to keep the dirt from it while she slept.. if at all. When she knelt back up before me.. I couldnt help but pull her close to me and hold her. This girl.. had been to the dusts and back with me... and never would I have thought I could care about a slave... but I did this one. she knew my secrets and my pain... the pain I keep hidden and unknown. I told her it was not a weakness to cry... it was ok... even me.. the cast iron bitch cried... and sometimes.. it just made us feel better. I must have opened something for this little sprite of a girl started sobbing against me... clinging to me like one of my children would. I allowed it. she told me between gasps that she was afraid of Shi. Well... who wouldnt be?? He was a Man... He had a whip... and He showed her He wouldnt hesitate to use it. Seeing her back.. even I was a bit fearfull. It could have been me. Would He ever do that to me if I did something so terrible? I had to push that thought from my mind. I felt tanya sliding down.. she had quieted.. and upon closer look.. she was alseep. Cried herself to sleep.. right there. I motioned to Jax to carry her to my small spare wagon... that was here's from before. We spread out the furs and Jax lay her to them gently on her side. Covering her lightly... I looked back at her.. twitching and still gasping now and then. I would check on her in the morning.
I went to the fires to find Cana and Ba'atar there. We spoke briefly.. and I was shocked to find out that Shi had whipped tanya right there at the main post. Cana said it would have been better if Shi took her from the main fires to do what He did... and I could only shrug. I told Cana I had stopped making excuses for Shi long ago. Again... He was a Commander... a Man... a Warrior.. He had His reasons. Maybe not so evident right now... but they always made sense sooner if not later. I was tired... and my belly was getting heavy.. hard to carry. So I bid the two a good night and returned to the wagon. Shi was not there when I climbed into our furs... this is not uncommon. Im quite used to it infact. I was lucky.. sleep took me quickly. As much as I wanted to talk to Shi... it would have to wait till tomorrow.
I was curious as to what the day would hold.
We shall see.

Page 392 (9/12/2008) The thrill of it all

A night of unabashed passion. What more can I say. I am a happy Tuchuk. After Ahn's of being with Shi.. relaxed... breathlessly relaxed.. we slept the night entwined with each other. I had no dreams... no nightmares actually. The screaming stopped. I woke with a feeling of worth and pride. Shi's words still echo in my ears and make me smile. He surprised me... really surprised me. I didnt know He had it in Him.. not until I heard Him whisper the words.. that.. He loved His Silken. Im simply floating on a cloud high in the great Skies at this moment.. and I only hope it lasts.
When morning came.. Shi had just risen for duty and I sent Him off with a smile and a few teasing brushes up against Him. I thought that would keep Him company today. I lay there in the furs for another Ahn or so... until I hear the clinking of pots and pans outside. Rising and dressing... I headed out thinking to find one of my kids. Instead.. I was shocked and stood there with my jaw open. tanya had returned. Now when the last jerkoff was killed.. tanya ran away. I couldnt blame her.. hardly... not after what these so called Men had done to her. Still.. in the back of my mind.. I knew she would need to be punished. But first... I wanted to find out just where and what she had been doing. As I walked down the steps.. I saw the girl tense and she looked at me briefly with tears in her eyes. I stood before her and she dropped to her knees.. folding over her legs and laying her cheek to my feet. she begged forgiveness as her tears wet the top of my boots. I felt a surge of saddness in my heart.. memories and my own downfalls returned. But I reached down and grabbed her hair.. tugging her up slowly to a kneel.. then crouched down to look at her. I told her I was sorry.. sorry for ever giving her to that jerkoff. she seemed shocked and whispered that it was not my fault. I nodded and said either way... she was back home now where she belonged. she asked me.. well begged me to take her back... and when I said no.. she almost melted into the ground. More tears. I took her chin and lifted it to meet my gaze and told her I would not take possession of her.. but would give her to Shi. she could trust Him to care for her and be assured that He was not like the other's.. that He would not be foolish enough to kill Himself. I would oversee her.. I would still be her Mistress... but she would be a slave to Shi. I told her Shi was not like the other's.. He would not tolorate anything but perfection... there would be no soft soaking... no wrapping Him around her finger. he would simply expect her to serve as she was taught. I also told her that her punishment for running away would be handled by Shi... to which she started shaking. I soothed her hair and said Shi will be mercifully if she begged. Now mercifull would mean hopefully.. not death. That is the punishment for a runaway... but I would speak to Shi first... ultimately.. it would be His decision. tanya had made a grave error in her grief.. I was not sure she could be saved. she told me how she went to the clan camp and was taken in by the Mask's... as she had done many times before when her owner died. she thought it was what was expected of her. I shook my head and told her she should have come to me that I would have taken care of everything. she nodded and whispered that she would wait and accept her punishment.. whatever it may be. I took a key from my pocket and removed the old collar... tossing it into the fire. I placed a simple leather binding around her throat temporarily and to her surprise.. chained her to Shi's wagon. she was mortified... tanya had never really been a problem.. and being chained.. simply humilitated her. she asked if they were necessary.. I told her yes. I left it at that... she would need to think. she was given chores.. mending clothing and such.. all that could be done within the radius of her new tethers.
Walking away.. I was smiling. I was happy to have the girl back.. glad she was alive. Yes.. she had a trangression... but she was a great slave. she wore her collars proudly.. she served with grace and poise.. she radiates honor and she is lovely to look at. I only hope Shi gives her a chance and doesnt slice her throat. He will punish her.. probably scare the shit out of her... but I hope not kill her.
Its now a waiting game.

Page 391 (9/11/2008) About the way He looked in

A restless night gave way to morning... I dreaded having to get up. Didnt want to.. and I fought to stay asleep as long as I could. It was no use.. once our little tribe was up and hell bent on causing chaos. Several times.. there were knocks on the side of the wagon.. giggles.. and small footsteps tearing off running. It made me sit up and whisper... SHhhhhhh you'll wake Shi... but I looked to His side of the furs and saw He wasnt there. I sighed... I had hoped He would have slipped in during the night. All the more reason to lay back down I thought. It was then I noticed the cool breeze coming from my right.. I had not bothered to pull the furs up around me.. I was in my own wagon... True.. I was nekkid.. but... no one should be in here.. right? Yet.. that air kept brushing over my bare flesh and I did a slow turn of my head towards the door. It took me a few moments to focus.. but I could see the outline of someone in the doorway. Pushing my hair from my face.. I felt the ease of a slow grin come to my lips... for there.. standing in the doorway... was Shi. His arms were folded.. leaning against the frame.. and His eyes.. were staring dead into me.... at me. For the briefest of moments I went to pull the fur up to cover myself.. but something in His eyes said... dont do it. I let my fingers relax and the fur fell around my thighs. There were no words between us... none were needed. I tilted my head with a... Do you like what you see? look. And My answer was given in the form of a smile and the slightest of nods from Shi. I can still picture the look He had... it gives me shivers. Ohhhh I truly hoped He would finally open up.. tell me everything in His heart... speak the words He never could before... and I invited Him to do so... laying back into the plush of furs... sprawling out.. tossing the covering fur aside. My body invited Him in... a whimper begged Him to come closer. I saw Him push off the door frame.. and for a moment He was siloutted against the light outside as He stood fully in the doorway. He reached and closed the door... each sound of His boots on the wagon floor made me twitch as He neared.. my heart was racing... my body was on fire. I could not bite back the moan of desire when He stopped at the edge of the furs and looked down at me. My hands began moving sinfully over my exposed body and when He crouched down beside me... I closed my eyes... arching my back... waiting... wanting. My ears were ringing.. waiting for Him to speak....
it was music to my heart.

(9/11/2008)

Gone but not forgotten
We miss you.... We love you .

**** *******

Page 390 (9/10/2008) Sweet dreams are made of this

Days are passing fast but slow. The move is coming but not soon enough. I am actually anxious for it... at least I will have something to keep my mind busy. Something to focus on.. besides myself. Ive been having these vivid dreams.. passionate and sexual. Very Sexual.. they wake me breathless and sweating. Several times.. I had to crawl from Shi's grip while He slept to walk outside and cool off. I try to be quiet so as not to wake Him.. so far.. I think.. Ive suceeded. But during the day.. Im left with those visions that just keep my blood boiling. MMMmmm yeah. nice dreams. Shhhhhhhh.... dont tell.
Coming into the 7th moon of pregnancy.. Im finding it harder than last hand to get around. I still try to do everything I used to.. but even just making dinner for the redhead troop of kids turns tiring. Shi was so sweet the other night.. He made dinner. Roasted verr. I didnt have much of an appetite but enjoyed the children eating and laughing and watching Shi with them. He has grown even closer with Wily who now tags along with Him on duties. Starr can pretty much always be found on Shi's lap... that little mop of red curls and braids tucked under His chin.. either telling a story or listening to one. Dakota... I havent seen for several months.. He has been out looking for Fonce with a group of Men. I hear in passing now and then that He is doing fine.. proving His worth and much more. Shanay has decided against mating the Warrior She originally wanted... this came as a surprise.. but not really. She wishes to pursue studies of healing and has found She has little time to concern Herself with a family right now. I respect Her wishes as does the Warrior. Tine will tell on those two. Talia came to me and asked if She could go see Aunt Cana and perhaps speak to Her Mate about the Singer's clan. I of course agreed of Her to go.. but told Her that with the new baby they had.. to expect to perhaps go more than once.. but Im sure Cana would love the company and the help while they waited for Ba'Tar to get a few moments time to speak with Her. Talia packed some treats and went off.. singing as always. And then there is Mia and Sonny.. who.. are not so happy about a new baby on the way. They are so used to being the youngest.. in a way they are put out and have been avoiding me. Wily told me they are upset because.. the new baby with have their Father with them... and they are mad they do not. I told Wily to tell them that all they need to do is open their eyes and look at Shi. He is here.. and He is taking care of them.. and loves them as they were His own blood. It is little comfort.. I know.. but Im sure they will see in time that Shi loves them dearly and would do anything for them. All the kids now have other things to do.. I rarely see them except at night for dinner and perhaps get a good night kiss or hug. It is the way of life though.. still... it makes me sad.
I sit and rub my stomach with oils to keep the skin from stretching.. and the babe rolls and kicks from within. What a glorious feeling.. I wish Shi was as interested as I am.. but.. given the fact that men cannot feel what we women do.. I guess its just.. ok to them. Secretly.. Ive been worrying about the birth... Im due about the time we start the move... or soon after when we leave. The trail is hard enough without the worry of caring for a newborn.. not to mention the labor. Jax said not to worry.. He would make sure the wagons kept moving and the kids were handling their wagons well... and all I needed to do was concentrate on the baby. I know Shanay will stay close... this is good because Shi usually scouts the trail ahead of the caravan of wagons.. and I just know He wont be around when the time comes. Its my biggest fear. If only I could ride with Him... perhaps.. I will ask if I can take saddle and stay close by.... if I can manage to ride that long with being so heavy with child at that time.
So many questions and no answers. I wish I could read Shi.. enough to tell me if He is happy. If He is happy with me... if Im getting better and so on and so forth. Ive known Him all my life and sometimes.. its like we are strangers. I think its just me.. being paranoid... but some habits are just so hard to break. I still need alotof reassurance and confidence in these matters... something He is not use to doing. So... I just pretend that everything is fine and hope secretly to myself they are or will be.
I sit here now... going through a crate of jewerly. Mostly necklaces that were given to me by my prior Mates. I have no use for them any longer.. but Ive decided to give one to each of the kids.. from their respected Father's. There is one... I will save though... for Hawk's daughter.. if I ever see her again. Emptying out the small crate... this leaves me with only one piece of jewerly... the ring Shi made for me so long ago. A tri colored band of metal.. which I tucked away and now just found in this box. I set it on His table in the main wagon... not sure if He wants me to wear it??? Or If He wants something new... or nothing at all.
The blanket of darkness is painting it's way over the lands... and it's time to get up and move around before I get too stiff.
Ehhh maybe just a nap... a tiny nap first.
.. and a few more dreams.

Page 389 (9/7/2008) Alone but crowded

Shi once said to me... How can you feel alone with all these kids running around? It was true.. I have my own personal tribe among me.. but you can still get lost in the numbers. My children can give me love.. yes.. but not the kind that Shi can. It's a Mother's love.. to hold their child... it's the love of a Mate.. that hold's the body. Skies.. I cant explain it.. I never could. I just know how I feel. Last night... I was feeling it again.. that empty feeling.. where I couldnt stop watching the fading light over the horizon. I wondered if I would see His silloutte against the moonslight. I couldnt wait to find out. I told Jax I needed to ride.. and if He and the other's were coming.. then wake them and be ready in 10 Ehn. He did not question and shortly after... me... Jax.. Piss and Moan... and Flip n Flop.. were off. Jax stayed close to me while I had two in the front and two in the back. We rode for a long time... me.. lost in my thoughts... until a single word brought me from my ride induced coma. "There!!!" I looked up to see Flip pointing... my gaze travellled to follow His arm and straining in the faded light.. I saw a single rider.. walking slowing atop a beast. For a moment... my heart skipped a beat... I thought it was Shi... but closer examination told me the shadow was not Him. The body was wrong... and everything else about it was wrong. OR's arrived and the rider and beast were brought to us. My Men inquired of the lone rider and were informed that He wished to become part of our group. The usual drills and procedures taken... the Man disarmed and led to a small fire outside the Harigga where He would wait for Kam. The Man said His name was Kader... and I did not like Him right off the start. He referred to me as a prized slave.. needing all these guards. How many times did I need to explain that they werent guards but my detail. Besides.. I didnt want them anyway.. but it was required to have them. This Man Kader had balls.. telling me how beautiful I was.. and I would serve Him well.. etc etc. I grew livid and wanted just to kill Him. But.. He claimed to be Tuchuk and... the law states Tuchuk cannot kill Tuchuk.. so for now ... He would live. Jax finally told Kader I was a Free Woman.. but that didnt stop Him from grabbing my braid. I wanted to cut off His hand. He even tried to lure me to Him.. holding a piece of jerky in His palm and saying I may eat from it. With that.. I wanted to bite off a few fingers. He was a sleen and a bastard.. yes.... yes He was. I didnt like Him at all. He wanted to know my name.. asking many times.. and I avoided it. I knew better than to just give a stranger my name.. or anyone's name. So.. I just blew it off... until.. He asked again.. and I responded.. "Why is my name so important to you?" He seemed shocked and said.. "Your not Tuchuk are you" I told Him yes.. I was. Born and bred. He said I was not.. for I would know the value of a name. This was true.. I responded.. and then He would also know that giving a stranger a name was not something one did easily... and also that I did not refer to my name not being important.. but the fact I asked.. why was it important to Him to KNOW my name. He responded by saying... because He wished to know the name of His future companion. Companion? Tuchuks didnt take companions.. that was a dweller trait. And I added... I would not be His "mate" ever. More and more through the conversation.. something didnt sit right. This Man had more of a dwellers ideal's and ways.. and He was letting them been seen.
Thankfully.. Shi did return from Duty and took over the situation. I made food for the Men while the stranger and Shi spoke. This.. Kader suddenly changed His attitude when Shi was around. Saying He refussed to answer my questions or even look at me. Shi made sure He knew I was off limits and Kader said.. Not to worry for I had no honor and He lost His taste for me. I was curious as to why suddenly I had no honor and I asked. I never did get a straight answer. Funny how this Man claiming to be Tuchuk... turns around and says because it was I had Him searched for more weapons. Why? because He was asked to remove all His weapons.. and He was asked if that was all He had.. He assured my party.. yes.. He had given up all His weapons.. yet.. suddenly at the camp fire an Ahn later.. He pulls a blade from somewhere and tossed it to Jax. Had He not lied... He would not have been in this situation. So what did this have to do with my honor? I still dont know.. and frankly.. I dont care.
Eventually.. He went to rest... and Shi had to return to His second shift. But not before letting me know.. this was His last back to back pull of duty. It would seem His Men had now been trained and were able to take more shifts. This pleased me alot. And what Shi said next... threw me for a loop. He said He couldnt wait to hold His Mate again. Was it true? Did He really think that? Skies... that Man confuses me so much. He said He would see me in the morning... but I wondered if that would come to pass. He hadnt been very good with promises lately... nothing I can hold against Him too much for I know things come up. So.. I reserve the right to... wait and see.
Yeah... wait and see....
By the way.. the central fire is up....
and Im still here.. alone.

Page 388 (9/5/2008) Somber quiet time

Ive had to start slowing down... not because anyone insisted.. but because Im just getting too tired. I saw many of the people today... more than I counted on. Everyone is getting ready for the move.. and that brings on bumps.. bruises.. strains and a few broken bones. By mid day.. I was so tired I couldnt stay standing. My feet are troublesome.. hurting alot.. my boots just dont fit right... the ache was so bad it gave me chills. One of Shi's girls came by with some warm rocks.. and given my penchant for killing and none the less.. hating slaves.. she was cautious. My belly is getting in the way of bending over now.. so she helped me wrap my feet in cloth and then wrap the stones to the bottom. The heat helped.. I could feel the heat radiating all the way up to my knees and for a good Ahn.. I fell asleep... right there.. sitting on the steps of the wagon.. leaning against a post. I was actually dreaming.. at first nice thoughts.. then the screaming started and I woke with a start. Jax eased a hand to my shoulder... the slave had since left for chores and He stayed.. watching over me. He asked if I wanted anything.. to which I replied.. I wanted Him to go away. He of course said He could not do that.. so I asked Him to just go somewhere else.. at least where I couldnt see Him. He reluctantly agreed to that. Although He did not go far.. I felt better without someone watching my every move. I had a chance to think back on Trilok... how He was so nervous to claim Noya. It was nice to have been there during it... and it was great to see Kam.. Tarra and Cana. I had lollies for Cana's boys.. and my ole Tug-a-roo came over to sweet charm His Auntie Silken. I think Noya and Trilok will make a good couple.. I know Noya and I dont get along.. if at all. Im certain She still blames me for Her brother's death.. but.. I cant control what other people think or say. I will just consider the source and continue on my own path. Doesnt mean I dont wish them well.. I do. I even sent over some candies and candles. Yes.. with all the time on my hands lately.. Ive been tinkering with making candles. Its just a pass the time thing.. something to do to keep me busy where I can sit and relax.. or... try to relax. Wily got some honey combs.. I assume from Tug.. who got them from His Momma... and I started to dry them out ... cut them into thin sheets and then found they make excellent candles. I made a few special one's for Shi.. but I havent seen Him in many days. This really makes me sad.. He is missing out on all the baby fun. I have to admit.. I miss how His palm caressed my stomach... how the baby kicks when it hears it's Papa. I do worry about the birth.. wondering if I will be alone for this again.... like I was for Dakota and Shanay. I dont think I ever felt so vunerable or scaired as I was then.. alone in a wagon.. in labor.. with no one around to help if I needed it.
With darkness coming eariler... Jax returned looking rested. He must have napped... its tiring staying up all night.. watching over me. He is a good Man though... since we dont know where or when Shi will return... He takes over without complaint. If only He made me feel complete like Shi does.. If only He could wrap His arms around me and make me feel safe... but.. there is only one Man that can do that....
And unfortunately....
He is not around.

Page 387 (9/1/2008) I told my heart to shut up

It happened again. Yup. I told my heart to butt out and let me handle things.. but it got in the way again and I left it on my sleeve and damn it... now it hurts. I swore I wouldnt let it out.. no.. sorry.. Silken's heart cannot come out to play today... and tomorrow isnt looking good either. Now I know.. your saying.. Uht oh.. what did Shi do? Well nothing actually. Not really.. at least not on purpose. But I can tell you... this is killing me. I finally opened up for the first time ever and He isnt around to see it. He stops by.. makes nice comments.. makes me feel good and poof.. He is gone. For days... hands.. Ive lost count. Yes.. I know.. He is a warrior.. a commander and has responsibilities.. but fuck you heart.. Im feeling selfish and needy and I can vent here if I want. Maybe the old Silken was better.... the one that hid behind walls and didnt let you out heart. You were there.. doing what you were supposed to.. but you didnt rule me. You were not allowed to care... to feel.. or to make dumb decisions... no. You just thumped there... in my chest and kept quiet.. at least to other's. Ive let you out too long and too much. All you want is these nice things.. nice words.. a touch .. a glance... hugs and kisses. You want romance and woo'ing... you want Him to pull you into His lap and tell you how pretty you are.. how important you are.. and all those niceities. Boskshit. Not gonna happen heart. Im going to stop you from making me feel so needy and wanting. Im going to put a halt to all this goodie goodie shit. I wont have you making me feel deserted and disappointed. You will be cold again... uncaring and unfeeling. Why? Because Shi is a Man that has responsibilities.. and what you are doing is being clingy. He needs to know that I will be ok when He is gone... not some crying.... aching lump of flesh that cant wait to see Him again. He doesnt care about that heart... no... He wants a Woman strong and able to take of Herself. You will not rule me anymore. You want to know who will.. is that it heart??? well.. let me tell you a story.....

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge.
The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
The hands said "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
The stomach said "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
The legs said "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
The heart said "Without me the blood would not pump to any of you and you would all stop working. I should be in charge."
Then the rectum said "I think I should be in charge."
All the rest of the parts said "YOU?!? You don't do anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge."
So the rectum closed up. After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, the heart hurt and the brain was all cloudy.
They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.
The moral of the story?
You don't have to be the most important to be in charge,
just be an asshole!
So you see heart.. you cant be in charge... not anymore.
Its back to being an asshole.
So shut up and leave me alone.....

Page 386 (8/28/2008) Just what I needed

After the last few days... I was feeling pretty lonely. Its hard to shake those feelings. Shi is out on duties and patrol's... there is still no word on Fonce... Im starting to worry about that too. All the Men have disappeared.. I know of the few that search for Fonce being... Kam.. Garyx... and Shi. The other's have all seemed to have been swallowed by the plains. No signs... no sightings... what's become of us?
Ive not seen any of the Woman except for Cana and Nette. Tarra I know is around but with all the work past .. present and future.. it makes it hard to stop and chat... or even see each other at all. I still wonder if She got the small gift I sent.
I had a visit from a friend that lives in the Forests... She was returning home after a long journey and stopped one of the Outriders.. requesting to see me. I didnt allow Her into the camp... so I took Jax and rode out to meet Her. She looked well and we talked for some time before things got ugly. Maybe it was my mood.. maybe it was something on Her mind... or both and the same for each of us... but it ended in a rather nasty scuffle. Dagger's were drawn and we fought.. and tho to an untrained onlooker... it would have seem we fought to the death.. never would either have struck a fatal blow against one another. Yes.. there were cuts and slashes... and punches to the face... but sometimes... it just feels good to kick the shit out of someone. I took a sharp jab to the mouth which surprised my friend and She stopped to ask if I had forgotten my training. No.. I laughed and spit out blood... then told Her I opted to protect another part of my body.. over my face. She was even more livid then to learn I was with child. Something I forgot to mention? No.. I just didnt want Her taking it easy on me. So... my arms received the worse of the battle in my dodging and blow blocking. And yes.. I felt alive again. She left with Her usual call... "Your ass is mine bitch".. and I returned the endearment with a.. "Love you too wench" and we parted ways until the next time our paths would cross.
Back at the Harigga in the silence and emptiness.. I patched up my cuts and nursed my throbbing already huge lip. It made me laugh and everytime I did.. I winced.. cursing my dear friend but loving the memories. I ran into Nette and got a few hugs and kisses in before I needed to salt and cure some fish for the move. She looked good.. tired.. and I was glad to see Her and have a few moments to chat. Always good to know your loved.. and even better to hear it when you down in the dumps. For the moment my muscles felt good.. stretched and not so stiff. I have been lax in moving about and sulking only makes you hurt everywhere. Im sure by nightfall.. I'll be cringing with soreness but... at least I did something today. I have a few people to see.. a few calls for healing.. then its off to cure the meats and fish. Jerky must be started.. and wagons must be readied to move.
I say it every season we move but it gets harder and harder to pack up and make the trip to the Winter grounds.....
Im getting to old for this.
Arent I ?

Page 385 (8/26/2008) If you cant beat them.. kill them

Why should it be up to me to say what I want and need? Cant anyone... by now figure that out? Good Skies.. you say you know me.. yet I dont think you do. And you wonder.. why I am the way I am. Im standing here.. screaming for you to see me... but you look right past me and figure it will all just go away. Well.. it wont.. it hasnt and if anything its coming to a boil. Stop appeasing me for the moment and think in the long run. A happy Silken is a calm Silken. No... I dont want to talk.. talk is good for certain times... this is not one of those times. I need actions... I need you to show me. I need you. You want me to learn.. then teach me. But I want you to learn me... to see and feel me... to know that it is the only way I know to express myself.
Love.
Hate it. Want it.
Grab me.. shake me... wake me up from this dream. Show me who you are.. Im tired of guessing and dancing around the flames. I want to get burned.. do you hear me??? I want the fire. I want to taste it.. smell it and feel it surround me. I want it to engulf me.. breath with me and grind against me with desires of a lovers touch. Breath your life into my lungs till they ache and I cry out with the threat of them exploding within my chest. Take hold of my neck... squeeze my throat.. feel the roll of my swallow from the tip of my tongue to my toes. Feel the power that you possess over me. See how you make me tremble. Hear.. how you make me whimper. Reach in and grab my heart.. Ive opened it to you.. take it.. take me...
or walk away.
::::an odd entry for Her yes... yet She left the journal open and set on a crate in the wagon. Consciously? or unconsciously... did it matter? Her fishing gear gathered and She was gone without a word to anyone::::

Page 384 (8/25/2008) Walk with me

Shi's homecomming was nice. I made Him some steaks... the kids helped to serve.. Mia and Sonny made Him dessert. I dont much feel like writing right now. Im feeling a tad.. off. Lots of things on my mind.. but nothing I want to bother Shi with. Im still not used to the non emotional Man that is my mate. Not that this is a bad quality.. its just something I will need to adjust to. What do I mean by non emotional?? Well.. Tuchuk Men are cold.. calculated and stupid. Again.. not in a bad way. Ive come to see that those before Shi.. were just fur sleen.. wanting nothing but to smooth talk and soft soak me.. playing on my emotions and my desires. Well.. that's how I see it. I always loved a hand in my hair... someone to undo my braid.. brush it.. someone to talk to me about dreams and desires... someone to make my blood boil with words soft in my ear. Shi... is more of a true Warrior. Always thinking of the Tribe first... always planning ahead for Duty... always working be it on a hide.. be it skinning a catch. I am lucky to see Him for maybe an Ahn every other day. Its hard to pack everything into that small amount of time.. that you would like to. Taking second seat to all this is new to me... but a task I will learn and eventually come to understand. I just hope I make Him happy.. that's all there is for me. Gone are the days when I could stop a Man in His tracks with a simple glance.. gone are the times I could make them shiver with desire from soft words over my lips.. or a certain way I might twist my body in a stance. My once flat stomach grows with Shi's child.... most say how beautiful it is.. I suppose that is true. I always thought so.... but I feel.. fat... frumpy.. and less than desirable. Typical gammet of emotions a pregnant Woman goes through.. right? I guess. Well.. that is the excuse everyone seems to use.. so Im going to walk with it. Thankfully.. Shi doesnt look to deeply into me and see all this. Im so afraid of a repeat of last time that I keep as much of this buried as I can. I'll just keep being.. cleaner of His clothes.. cooker of His food and warmer of His furs. Pretty soon I can add Mother of His children to the list.
Bah.. Im going for a walk....
Skies.... I feel so.... common.

Page 383 (8/18/2008) Woman in waiting

Its been a long time now that Shi has been gone. He left almost a month ago.. duty called. Extended patrol.. something along the lines of that. I havent had the stomach to pick up this book and write.. I knew I would flip back the pages.. remembering how the other's left on such a tour of duty and never returned. I try not to think of it... but how can I not? My weakest moments come.. and Im sitting on the steps feeling sorry for myself. I tried to not let it get to me.. throwing myself into working.. healing... tending the children. Far as I can tell.. I am almost into my 3rd moon of pregnancy. Hardly a change in my body except for the slight swell and rounding of my abdomin. The stomach sickness is something I didnt miss. I had to beg Jax several times not to insist I eat.. but Shi must have left word to make sure I did. I tried.. I really did. So Ive been replacing food with alot of tea's and herbs to suppliment what wont stay down. The cravings are beginning.. raw meat. So I know the sickness will be gone soon.
Today I had some encouraging news brought to me. Shi was well.. and on His way home. It made me smile when one of His Men came ahead to deliver the message. I made sure His Man was fed and then I went to tell the kids. They were of course happy to know Papa Shi would be back. I sent them all with Aunt for the next few days. Its not that I try to keep them away.. but I know that Shi isnt used to such a large group around Him... and I want to take it all slow. Dont need a repeat of last time.. no Sir. I finally sat down after making some steaks and wondered if He missed me... did He think of me? what did He think of? What.. if anything.. kept Him company? Something I said? something I did? an expression of mine? Curious thoughts surrounded the rest of the day for me... excited one's too.
So for now... I need to rest. Another thing I dont miss... is the exhaustion. But I'll keep trudging forward. I know I wont sleep... not till He is home... and not till He is holding me again.
Such a good feeling.

Page 382 (8/5/2008) Mud slingin fun

So.... I got off my ass and stopped feeling down. I was more in an adventurous mood.. so I headed off to find Dash. She and I hadnt spent any time together for awhile... so I figured to stir up some trouble that way. Arriving at Her wagon's... I found Her missing. Informed that She had already taken off for Her own little stint. I got the general direction and then off to the pen's where I saddled up Beta and took off. We rode for an Ahn.. finally catching up to Her tracks and followed from there. Wasnt long before we arrived at a local gathering place.. or watering hole... and it was there I heard my Sister's laughter. Tying Beta's reins to some brush near the water where he could drink and rest... I ran to grab my Dashie Pants... scooped Her up and twirled Her around. Gave Her braid a tug and just had to check out that ass... mmmmm yup.. still the best on Tuchuk lands.. and prolly all of Gor for that matter. I did have to inform Her that my tits and hair were still the better... award winning trophy prizes... much better than Her ass. Of course.. this discussion would have continued had I not been drawn to a Man sitting on the grass. Dashie informed me that He was having boot trouble... and we in turn began to debate the remedy for His.. stiffness... errr boot stiffness. I asked Dashie.. "Have you wet the boots down?" "Yup" She said. "Soaked them good" I nodded. "Did you slather them with mud?" "Yup" She said. "Nice and slippery" I nodded again. "What about dung? Did you fill them with dung?" I asked... and Dashie shook Her head.. "Oh ! Dung! I forgot about that!" She said... so doing my duty... I took the boots and walked over to Beta... he had a nice fresh supply of said dung... which was scooped up and packed into the toes of the boots... and low n behold... Beta had to pee. I held the boots under good ole Beta who was more than happy to relieve himself... careful not to get any splash on me... and now I could slosh the boots side to side and really mix the concoxion into the Man's boots. Returning.. I set the boots beside the Man... and Dashie informed Him that He would need to get His feet into the boots right away. Why? To keep them from shrinking of course ! Keep the form to them... why.. yes.. thats right. I crouched down and drew closer to Him... tipping the boot so He could get His foot in. The Man said it would be better if one of us put them on.. and Dash and I told Him.. ohh no we couldnt do that. He said.. it had been a long time since He was on the Plains.. but He remembered being told that if a beautiful Tuchuk woman wore a Man's boots for a week.. that they would become soft and supple.. err the boots.. not the Woman. Ahhhh yes.. but I told Him... the Woman had to be unmated.. and a virgin. And we certainly were not either. The Man looked at me.. studying me... and I back at Him... He looked familar.. but I just couldnt place Him. In any case... He then said He heard from a Spex that if a Woman with many sons wore His boots.. He would be blessed with having many heirs Himself. Dash informed the Man that.. if She did indeed wear another Man's boots.. especially one not Tuchuk.. She would be wearing said boot in Her ass. Bo would see to that. I of course didnt bother to answer. No way in hell would I be wearing another Man's boots. Shi would skin me.. salt me... dry me out and hang me from His standard. Heh. While the Man was eyeing me up... I just grinned... and finally Dash reminded me we had to be going. I nodded and headed off to get Beta. Swinging up into the saddle and riding closer to Dash. My hand down.. She grabbed it and She jumped up while I pulled Her back behind me. Whirling Beta around.. we took off riding.. laughing and snickering. It was only when we were out of sight of the waterhole that I sunk my hand into my vest and pulled out a small pouch. Dangling it back for Dashie to see. Yeah... I lifted it off the Man. I heard Her rolling in laughter behind me... we were still laughing as I dropped Beta off at the pens.. once back at the Harigga. I gave Her a hug.. and a slap to that perfect ass and told Her we had to do this again. We went our seperate ways... needing to get dinner ready for our Mate's.
But I swear... I can still hear the laughter filtering down the rows.
I love you Dashie.
It was a good day.

Page 381 (8/4/2008) Get off my toes

The fires were busy for once... it wasnt just Shi and I. Cana and Trilok joined us. If four is a crowd.. well.. how pathetic is that? Very. It was nice to see them... nice to talk.. nice to hear of other's lives beside our own. The change of scenery was nice too. I slept that night relaxed and calm... little did I know it was just a tease.
I woke this morning to the hollar of Wily. All in one breath He told of how He went to find Tug... and found Cana with a new baby boy. He rambled on for Ehn's. I immediately went to Her wagon and was met by Rook... looking frazzled and tired. I asked if I could see them... check on them... perhaps help with Tug and Wander... and was told they were with Tarra.. She assisted with the birth and then took the boys to Her wagon. All I could say was.. "Oh.. I see" I turned.. a bit put out and upset... ok alot upset. Rook asked if He could deliver a message and I kinda spoke in a daze of crushed emotions... "Just tell Her I said.. Congradulations" And I walked off. But I didnt stop at my wagon's.. I kept walking.. out into the night and the plains. I tried to rationalize just what I was feeling and why. Why was I so hurt and pissed off? It boiled down to... I just wasnt informed. Did I wander to the Spex fires and offer to help read the Omen's? Did I go to the kaiila pens and treat injured or ailing beasts... did I work in the forge making lances.. shields and quiva's? Make saddles? Songs for the seasons? Bah... boskshit. Tarra is perfectly capable of delivering a baby... and capable of handling any situation that arose prior and post labor.. to this I have no doubt. That didnt concern me. But.. damnit.. how is it that if I stick my nose somewhere it "doesnt belong" as Ive been told... why do I get yelled at for it? Healing is my duty around here.. and it seems.. I am no longer needed in that capacity. I was here.. I was available.. and I was left in the dark. It also did not bother me that Cana wanted Tarra there to deliver... but I would have been standing by to assit if needed.... instead... I was drinking my tea and mending clothes. I guess I just havent gotten used to the way things really are around here. I'll never get used to it... I'll never understand it.
After Shi left this morning for duty.. I saddled up and headed to the back wagons. Spending Ahn's upon Ahn's seeing patients.. treating injuries.. ailments.. complaints... booboo's and broken hearts. I just threw myself into work... trying to forget everything. Yet.. it was all just seething under the surface.
I always expected to get stabbed in the back... but I never thought I'd be stabbed in the heart.
I looked up to the Sky.. and I shook my head.. muttering one single word....
Bitch.
The rest of the day.. I dared Her to come and get me.

Page 380 (8/1/2008) Hello?

I noticed something today... the sound my boots make on the steps of the wagon. It was loud... louder than I have ever noticed. It made me look around... to the emptiness of the Harigga. No one is around.. and I mean no one. The occasional Outrider passes by.. grabbing a meal.. a drink.. but the fire is no longer a gathering place. The Grey's remain empty... the laughter that once filled the air is replaced by the sounds of my boots. Wierd. Everyone seems to have gone missing.. or at least staying in the confines of their wagons.
I went to check on Cana... Tug told Wily She just.. wasnt Herself. I found Rook at the wagon and left Him some berry tea for Cana.. and some lolli's for the boys. I didnt intrude or insist on seeing Her... sometimes we needed our space without prying people. At least She knows I was there and I was willing to help.. either to talk or see Her as a healer. Having babies so close together does put a strain on the body.. something I am well familar with myself.
One good thing about the quiet that surrounds the Harigga is.. Shi and I have had alot of time to talk.. and alot of time to discover much about the other that we perhaps failed to do before. I have no doubts that this time.. we will make it. Our blood has been mixed once more... Him in me... Me in Him. I dont think anyone knows... no one around to tell actually. I guess they will figure it out once He up and carries me off some night from the main fires... or... my belly is swollen with His child. That of course has been fun... trying. Heh. I think the latter will come first. All the kids have been asking when they will have a new brother or sister or a combination of the two. And I answer.. that it is up to the Skies. But I can see the shine in Shi's eyes when He talks about another little Tuchuk running around. He glows more than a pregnant Woman... its very becomming. It wont be long now till we know if our efforts have been successful. I have been tired lately... but for once.. getting enough rest. I sleep better.. thanks to Shi. Maybe its the unusual heat that is keeping us all down... once cooler weather starts to show.. maybe people will return to the fires. I know I avoid the heat of the day in the shade of the wagons.. and really have no desire to sit by a fire after such an exhausting day... who knows.. all in time I guess.
Much of my thoughts lately have been drawn to Starr. Her connection with Shi is odd... but in a good way. She was just a little one when Her Father died.. and Shi was there to comfort Her. She really has taken a shine to Shi... even calling Him My Papa. Talia and Wily are use to Shi and call Him Papa Shi... Mia and Sonny still call Him.. just Shi. After talking to Shi last night.. I gathered the kids and spoke to them about my Mating Him again. They all understood.. even through my explainations of the why's and what of how it all happened... and the jerk that came between us orignally. Understandably.. they all wanted the security of knowing that this was it.. the last time they would have to face me Mating another one... they were afraid to get to close to who I mated.. knowing that they would leave so suddenly and so soon. I assured them that this was it... barring any unseen event that was beyond our control. Death was a part of the plains. But I have chosen wisely now in a Man that I know wont just let Himself die.. or search out a no win situation.. just to escape His responsibilities. One who isnt weak in mind to just walk away. Their little eyes opened wide hearing this.. understanding it. I made note to them of how.. no matter what happened.. and when.. Shi was there.. caring for us. And still to this day is there. I told them that they should not fear loving Him.. for He will always be there... and always caring for them. After all.. they are His now. Adoption is not something commonly practiced on the plains... usually when a Man Mate's a Woman with children from a prior Mate they are simply considered His. But.. there is an old Tuchuk ritual.. somewhat along the lines of the blood rite for mating that.. can be done with the children so the Man's blood also runs within them. It was actually Wily that brought it up.. He has been reading my books on the Elders and the laws.. and rites of passage. He said He would discuss this blood rite with "the other's" as He put it... and if Shi and I were in agreeance... it might be something to consider. Ultimately.. it is up to the children if all or some wish it... then it is up to Shi if He wants it as well. I will speak to Him about this when next He returns from Patrol.
Im proud of my Wily Man.. how He has grown. He has taken on the role of protector and spokesperson for my little tribe. It is amazing to watch them grow up so fast right before your eyes. I find myself looking down at the flat of my belly.. wondering... hoping.. that perhaps.. things are back on track and as they should be. Also knowing...
we have alot of catching up to do.