It is Talia's birthday. She turns eight today. Each time during the anniversary of one of my kids births.. I find myself melancholy. How fast they grow and how soon they will leave me. I guess I can be proud of how they have grown and weathered the adversities thrown to them. Even my Wily Bug.. who I thought would wither away or at least get Himself killed after Jerus died.. well.. Wily had turned into a wonderful young Warrior. He returned from Leonette's wagon this morning.. to which I asked Him why. And I was told that His place was here.. with His family.. there was pleanty of time for Mating later. Besides... He thinks that Nette only likes the painted Men. This meant a Man with scars. And it was true.. I had to tell Wily.. that you cannot take a Mate without a scar.. and without a name. Wily was more excited to learn that Seth was living with us now. That Seth had claimed His Momma and the children swtiched from calling Him Uncle Seth to Papa Seth. I dont ask about the conversations Wily and Seth had at the Forge... but... what ever they may be.. has really rounded my Breaded Tuchuk out. Wily talks about getting His scars and proving His worth to the people. Now.. Im sure He will. Seth and I planned a small gathering for Talia. And He is giving Her a new kaiila. Once we reach the Southern plains He will be getting each child a kaiila and teaching them to ride. Something I failed to do... Im such a bad Mother.
Starr has been having nightmares. She wakes up screaming or crying almost every night. I am puzzled by the dreams and their meaning. I will have to find some time to sit with Tarra and discuss them. For now.. She seems ok in my telling Her its the move and the movement of the wagons that are disrupting Her sleep. It tears me apart to watch Her cry.. and She still calls out for Jerus... though it is quickly being replaced by Seth. She talks to Jerus alot. I wonder what He thinks. I wonder if He is proud of me. I miss Him still. But I wont let on. I refuse to speak my fears or let my emotions show about my reluctance to return to the area where He died. I never got closure or to grieve for Him.. and my fears of what I will feel when back on those lands... scare me to death.
We are not far from the stream now.. and with the early edges of spring still upon us.. I headed there. The air was crisp but warmer. The pale blue Sky cast an errie bluish tint to the water and surrounding grounds. I made sure that Jax kept prying eyes off me while I stripped and stepped into the water. It was cold ! Warm weather hasnt quite touched the winter water's yet. It still refussed to let go of it's icy grip. But I submerged into it none the less and let it wash me. I am not a frilly Wench. I dont like scented oil's.. soaps.. and things of the like. I like the smell of nature.. natural and clean. I hoped to wash away the fears within me. I hoped that Seth wouldnt see through my facade to cover it up. It was Jerus' memory that came between Shi and I. It was my fault that I lost my best friend because of my inability to let go.
I cant fail again.... no. Not this time.
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