Page 546 ~ The cold within

While cleaning out a wagon preparing for the move once again... I stumbled upon this old weathered book of remberance. My fingers gently brushed over the worn supple cover and I began to peel back the binder to a random page but... stopped. My heart fell into a grasp of hurt and I closed the book and tossed it aside. I was almost.. afraid to touch it. I didnt want to remember. I didnt want to feel. Eventually it got the best of me and with a heavy fur draping my shoulder and swollen belly... I sat against the wall of the wagon and began reading. I laughed.. cried.. grew angry and then... nothing. Nothing.. as I came to the next blank page. Staring at it for a long time... it called to me... begging me to write in it. I spoke to it.. arguing that it wanted more than I could give. And as much as I fought... I gave in. So? Here I am. I have nothing to speak of outside my own life and wagons. As the wagon rocks along the trail North.. I think of my unborn child that grows heavy in my belly. Soon He or She will breathe the cold air of the Northern plains... yet.. I am sad that the family I once knew will not be there to rejoice in this gift. Ash had been busy with this move.... taking over for those supposedly in charge and gathering others to get the Tuchuk moving. His work at the forge that He so loves suffers with this new responsibility. I do not complain nor voice my objections. I know it is what needs to be done. But it doesnt make it any easier. I am able to hide my emotions once again... I guess it is protection from the pain. I need to concern myself as it is with the arrival of our new baby and the care of all our children. Dakota has not left my side and Shanay watches over me like a great Tuchuk healer. I try to cover up the pains that have begun but I trained Her well... even She can read the signs... this baby will come soon. The other children cannot wait tho Bull's nose is a bit out of joint knowing His days as the "baby" are just about over. I am tired. So very tired.. and I try not to get up and move... perhaps holding onto the last bit of joy of being pregnant. So? thats it. Or.. thats all I care to think about right now. I hope I can hold out a few more days till we settle at our new camp. I cannot bother Ash now with this... He needs to concentrate on the People. I need His focus on the tribe.. not worried about me. Thats a switch... huh? Its time to tell Bull another story.. to cuddle and baby Him and rest... after all... soon... He will be a big brother... and I? I'll be a Mama again. Can.... I... make... it ???