Page 451 ~ To live again

I had been given a task by the Ubar. One that was not overly difficult but required some planning to arrange and make ready certain supplies. Sitting by my fires and packing my satchels.. I suddenly noticed how quiet it was. Usually at this time of night... Jax was nearby.. Men came to discuss manly things with Him.. and mostly I didnt pay attention. Until tonight. I was deathly quiet. There were no visits and there was no Jax. Shrugging it off.. perhaps He pulled an extra duty or retired early for some sleep or a warm slut. I wasnt concerned.

As I finished packing my satchel's I stood up and stretched.. giving a rub to my neck that seemed to bear the brunt of my tension. I heard heavy footfalls coming up behind me and turned to welcome Jax back to the fires. Yes... it was Jax.. but it was what He held in His arms that made my jaw drop. My heart stopped... litterally for several moments and I could not breath. Tears sprang from me eyes and dropped me to my knees with wide open arms. From Jax's grip squirmed two little dark redheaded warriors. "By the Skies!!!" Yes I screamed and my twins rushed into my folded grasp. A moment flashed... scaired of having permission.. then that something had happened to Shi... but Jax knew me better than anyone and followed the boys over. "He has returned.. and He has given permission to see them... anywhere.. anytime.. for a long as you want Silken" Jax said, and I felt the sting of hot tears flow faster down my cheeks. I kissed every hort of their heads.. their cheeks and lifted their hands to nuzzle. The boys cries of "Momma! Momma!" Music to my ears. They had not forgotten. I couldnt believe how they had grown. They were now over a full turning. Far from the small babes I had been torn from. Each wore one of the small trinkets I had sent to them. Braclets made from the bright color's of my hair... woven and knotted in various places. Though I had been separated from them for so long.. I still knew who was who. "This one" was slightly taller than "That One". "This" resembled Shi and "That" resemble me... in both hair and look and attitude. As I called them such.. they told me that those were baby names and they had taken on a new mark of idenity till they earned their names. "This one" was now Vee. And "That one" was now Ess. I knew immediately how and where the names came from. I loved them. It would take time for me to relinquish my nicks for them and use the other's.. and they understood... but I still smiled at the names.

I spent the night with my boys around the fires. We talked for Ahn's.. spoke of many things that plague the one year old mind... we ate.. we sang.. we played. I could have run to Turia and back with the energy I had. But my boys grew tired. They clung to me with closing eyes.. whimpering softly and fighting sleep. When I drew them to my chest and whispered for them to sleep.. they protested.. frightened.. saying they didnt want to leave and they didnt want to sleep. They were afraid when they woke... I would be gone. My heart did a dip into my stomach and through tears and smiles... kisses and hugs... I assured them I would be here in the morning.. just as they would be. It was not the time to discuss what would happen. I knew Shi would not tear them from me.. but I would explain this all over the next few days. I manuvered each boy to a hip and stood up.. each head resting to my shoulder and looked to Jax with a thankful.. heartfelt nod. He returned my nod and moved to get His blackwine and sit near the fires. I took my boys into my wagon and lay down some extra furs. With me in the middle I had a boy on each side.. curled tightly against my ribs. Little fingers wrapped strands of my hair around in their hands. I had an arm drapped around each... nothing would pull them from my grasp. The boys breathing evened out and they slipped into slumber. I was happiest then.. the most I'd felt in a long time. Before I closed my eyes.. I looked to the night Sky through the smoke hole... squeezed my twins against me and whispered. "Thank you"

There was no dreams.. no nightmares.. no sleepwalking.

Just a smile.

It was the best night's sleep I had in a long time.

Page 450 ~ In search of

The more I thought back on my conversation with Fonce... the more aggravated and fustrated I became. There was so much I could of said.. should.. have said... but I bottled up like a fine Karian wine. I was in search of making my true intentions known. This however.. is hard. I am under Ba'atar's watch.. and that alone has clipped my wings. I know that Man will not hesitate to throw a collar on my neck and dump me off somewhere.. just as easily as He would breathe. My hesitation got the best of me. I regret it... now.

A question Fonce posed to me.... What do you want from me Silken? The phrase kept rearing it's ugly head in the back of my throat... and made me feel ill. I know what I want. Damn... it's all I think about lately... but.. I had to be... careful. Wandering the plains and the stream bank.. I all but pulled my hair out and screamed several times. I was in search of clarification. Why? Why do I have to want something from Him? I suppose I dug my heels in and answered in a round about way. But.. this isnt easy for me... and at that time... I didnt know how to tell Him that. So... I did what any rational thinking Woman would.... I wrote Him a letter. Now.. the last time I wrote Him... He burned it after reading it. Still.. He has never said anything about it. I assume.. He gives no thought or care to words on parchment... or perhaps.. they were just to silly and childish. Either way... I wrote my letter and had it delivered. If for nothing more than to back up what I was about to say to Him... once I found Him.

Everything I did manage to get out.. came out all twisted. Again. I could tell by His reactions.. what I was trying to convey was getting lost. I was in search of a book that would tell me how to express it so it would be understood how I meant it. But... I was not only tripping over my tongue.. I was falling and getting wrapped in the tube like jelly structure of brain matter. He says He cant talk easily of things on His mind.. yet when I was confined to the wagon not long ago... He spoke to me so casually and calm. True.. most of it was asking what I was thinking... and I just spoke of things that popped into my mind... but something sparked me that day. A fire lit that I hadnt felt in a long long time. I knew it was always there.. smoldering.. waiting for the right igniter.. I didnt expect it to be Him. But it was.. and it is... and now... I dont know what to do with it. I was in search of relief. Do I want to jump in and possibly get burned?... ... yes. Do I want to complicate things and perhaps lose a good friend?... ... if it means going after what I want... yes. Do I risk rejection and humilation?... ... yes. If there is any chance.. any hope that this might just be my end to the search... I will take it.

Papa once told me that... in the search to find the one who will complete you... you have many stepping stones to cross. Sometimes the journey is long and hard. But along the way.. each stone brings you closer to your final destiny. Each stone you choose helps to mold your path. Some stones are slippery and you faulter. Some are strong and support you well. Trust where you've been.. dont look back. Keep moving until you get to that stone.. the one you can stand with and be proud. The one that completes you and makes you feel you are someone. And for Skies sake Silken... dont get your boots wet !! He always made a joke at the end of a life lesson story. Perhaps to clear the seriousness of air... or more so.. that I would remember. I have.

I brushed out my hair... braiding it again and donned my good leathers. Good as in they were worn.. comfortable and my favorite. With a determined smirk and a get out of my way stride... I headed out and wove the maze of wagon's.. the plains.. the stream. I am a Woman on a mission....

I am... in search of.

Page 449 ~ My darkness

A moment in time. A breath caught in the throat. Air that burns the lungs... gasping just for comfort. I am afraid to look.. I am afraid to close my eyes. To sleep.. perchance to dream... to be tormented within the blackness. To lie awake and count the beating of my heart.. stiring from side to side in avoidance of life. It is so dark that I could not see anything before me if it were there... not even my own hand as I wave it in front of my eyes. There.. in the darkness could be my wraith.. staring me down with a smile.. catching my breath and stealing it. Or does it wait.. letting fear build.. waiting for the right moment when I tilt my head and expose the jugular. I feel every hair on my arms stand.. prickled by this unseen temper and the ribbons of it's evil aura stretch out like tenticles to invade my space... wrapping around the soft flesh of my throat. Fingers like barbedwire reach into my chest and weave around my heart. A vise like grip.. cold.. calculated and deadly. This is my moment in time... my time to grasp what I wish from my darkness. Be it fear or strenght.. it is mine. To hell with my wraith.. I give you no power over me. I take back all the tears and frightened runs through the forest. No more blind stumbling steps... looking over my shoulder. You will chase me no more vile beast. Return to the recesses of scaired little girl dreams and thoughts. Back to the depths of sacrifice and torture where you belong. A pit of turmoil and destruction is your home. There is no room for you here. For I have found my salvation and light. It is my darkness... and I embrace thee. Wrap your blanket around my body and secure my soul in your divine chill. Touch me as my lover.. caress my mind.. follow each curve of my flesh with your passion... for I no longer fear you. I want you... I need you. Your are..... my darkness.

~ A small part of a greater one of my workings ~

Page 448 ~ There is no touch

I woke curled up on a small grassy knoll out on the plains. Having ventured to my wagon last night.. I found the empty walls and silence too much. Ive done well these past hands.. but last night.. I couldnt take it again. Visions and dreams of just the simplest things.. made me want them. I wanted someone to touch me.. to hug me.. kiss my cheek. I wanted the warmth and security of arms around me. Deeper into my psychie I went.. envisioning that perfect kiss. The kind where hands encompass your cheeks and jaw.. thumbs brush against heated flesh from the nose to ears... having your head tilted to the side and your lips strained upward.. waiting for the touch of opposites to them. I shivered... it was such an overwhelming desire that I had to get away. I cursed under my breath as I passed wagon's... hearing the sounds within. Warrior's with slaves... a distinct sound... made my teeth grind together. It wasnt fair. Women have needs too... and no outlet. The Men can grab a slave and quench their thirst for the night. So what about me... damn it! Growling and stomping off to the plains I wanted to kill something. I sat on the knoll for many Ahn's.. watching the bosk roam. I had to shake my head when an old bosk bull up and mounted a female. I even called out.. "Yeah.. ok.. rub it in" but I laughed. Several deep breaths later and I was calm again.

As the rays of the Central Fire lifted into the Sky... I sat up and rubbed the chill from my arms and legs. I had no choice but to head back to the fires. I found Jax drinking His morning blackwine. In all quietness.. I walked up to Him and placed a hand to His shoulder and leaned to kiss His cheek... something I never did.. if ever. He was shocked and caught by surprise. Pushing me away in a snap wrist reaction. I said nothing.. I didnt even look at Him. Instead I went to get a bowl of blackwine. Quick glimpses towards Him though... I watched a gamet of emotions sweep through the Man. He touched His cheek and then looked at me... I darted my gaze down into the bowl.. moving to sit near the fire. Silence kept Jax for sometime before He finally moved to sit beside me. He turned His bowl in His hands about nine times before He spoke. "Why did you do that?" he said. "Because I wanted to" I said. "But Why, Silken?" He said. I sighed and looked at Him. "I care alot about you Jax. You've been with me a long time and got me through alot. Cant I show you I care about you?" I said. He thought several moments and then just let the words roll in His deep tone. "Are you in love with me Silks?" He said.. and I laughed... shaking my head. "No Jax.. I love you... I am not.. IN love with you." I said. He seemed relieved and alittle upset all in one. "well... I can handle that" He said. More moments passed before I sighed and an arm came up behind me... rubbing my back... giving a pull to my braid and then wrapped around my shoulder to be drawn close against Jax side. I was stiff at first... His fingers kneeded into my arm lightly until I curled up against Him. I felt small against His size... He could toss me around like a doll.. snap me in two if He wanted too... but for those few moments... I felt nothing more than protection. Being who I am... and how Jax had reacted when I kissed His cheek... I had to know something. "Have you ever fantasized about me Jax? About.. being with me?" My whisper was against His arm and the kneeding stopped for a moment.. then resummed. "Yeah... I have Silken" He said.. almost like a relief that He said it outloud. "And You? Have you done the same about me?" He said. "Nahhhhh..." I said in a teasing voice. Jax laughed and nodded. Pulling me hard against His side with a chuckle. He rubbed my arm slowly then and drank His blackwine. "Youve had a hard life Silken... but I feel things will be getting better." He said. " I can only hope Jax." I whispered. And Jax chuckled again and said.. "Just be yourself littlehawk" This made me laugh... "That's what Im afraid of Jax!" I said and we both sat there shaking with chuckles.

Too soon for me... Jax had to leave for duty. He got up and stretched... then leaned over and kissed my cheek.. smiled and turned.. leaving me to myself for the day. I could still feel the warmth of His arm around my shoulders... the touch of His fingers on my arm. I looked up to the Sky... and instead of cursing Her... I whispered one simple word....

"Please?"

Page 447 ~ Chances are....

My quiet morning consisted of a song. Not one that I sang.. but the trickle of water and crackle of fire that blazed near the stream. The sound of the plains... accompanied by the soft breezes... brush of river grass..swaying to the melody. A bosk bellowed in the distance.. baritone in cadence. The lyric's were only added by another bass... Fonce had wandered into my space and issued a greeting. It was only then that my song was complete. I turned to smile... something absent on my lips for awhile now. A few muscles protested but I soon whipped them into submission. I could tell just by looking at Him that something if not many things trampled His thoughts. How He kept looking out over the plains... I had seen that before.. I had done that before. You wait for something else to come crashing through that invisable barrier we all set up. Good or bad... no one knew. I could only hope that His.. was good. We talked about this and that. And I finally hooked my arm in His and pulled Him to walk with me. He came along to my surprise and the talking continued. The calming effects of such a casual stroll among friends put me at ease.. and I asked a question that had been picking at me like a burr under a saddle. His answer was as expected. I began to pick for more information... which finally wound me up in a position that was go forward or give up. I eagerly chose to go forward. Give me a chance to get to know you... I said. My request was granted. In just that simple moment of time... I was able to brush off another weight from my shoulders. Still.. I was hesitant to open the pages to the binder of my book and expose the spine. But the opportunity now.. given the chance would be accepted. There was much I needed to say... good or bad again.. I have to. Perhaps I will be the one watching the horizon now... waiting for that chance to say all the swirling thoughts and ideal's within my network of brain. No more worrying about being tongue tied or tripping over my words. I would just say them... I would take a chance. Tuchuk's are gamblers after all. Im just not sure I can stand to lose this internal wager.

Awhile later... I returned to my fishing. If it was good for the soul then mine must be pristine. I find it easier to catch and cook for myself now. I dont need alot of meat... just enough for visitors and Jax when He rolls in from duty. I look forward to when He returns and I can pick His brain of the day's events... and even share mine.. though they are small in comparison to His. So with my catch on the stringer.. I headed back to my wagon's. The fish were salted and a few left to cook for tonight. My gaze kept returning to the plains and I had to laugh now and then.. shaking my head. Chances are Silken... slim to none... I spoke quietly to myself. I knew I needed a ride... the wind in my hair.. the Central fire on my face... force of air into my lungs. I had the Red saddled and headed out to the herds. Not quite sure what I looked for... but I know what I wanted.

I wanted my chance.

Page 446 ~ Delicate balance

Ive been waiting many hands now to see Shi... or at least get an answer from Him via messages as to whether or not I can see or be with the twins. Still.. Im left waiting.. pacing and growing more fustrated by the day. I also havent been able to meet up with Ba'atar to discuss resuming my duties. So.. I sent messages to them. I was shocked and disgusted when the scroll I sent Ba'atar was returned unopened and with a message from tanya that said... "Come and find Him directly. Dont send scrolls" The girl was dismissed and she was thankfull... not wanting to be close to my boiling point or the vent that was about to erupt. I wanted to find Kam... He was the one that always told me to send a scroll first.. this way both parties knew something was up. I needed to ask if this was something new.. something I needed to add to my list of learned quirks. As it would be.. He was also out on extended patrol.

Left with hardly anything to do... I just kept busy with mundane.. everyday jobs to tend to. Making oils and elixiers... collecting dung.. cleaning.. cooking.. sewing. All the everyday things that have now come to be my routine. With all the time I do have.. I have little to visit the main fires... and after hearing what has been going on there.. Im not so sure I want to. Cant say Im surprised. One thing is for sure.. I wont be there to be a target. Not this time.

My game has been off lately. Im torn between what to do and if to do it. I really havent been put into a position like this before. Me.. having to take control of something that doesnt make sense. It baffles me and yet.. I find it very intriquing. That delicate balance of a scale. If on one side I do something... then the scale tips... but if I do the opposite.. it still tips though.. in the other direction. So here I am stuck in the middle and I cant go one way or the other to either remedy or deepen the situation. Well.. that's not true.. I have the choice to drop either side... but another ribbon of question is... do I want to risk everything and do it.

I spoke to Nette abit on this... and She could not give me any advice. Seems we are both stuck in a spot... and all I can do.. all She can do for me.. is be comfort for each other. I find solace and calm in being with Her... talking to Her about things I couldnt share with anyone else save one. I havent seen my other confidante. I'd like to. I want to. But I dont see that happening any time soon. Every time I do.. I trip over my tongue... or say something stupid. I cant think on that now. I made some dinner... finished making a batch of cinni-sticks... and then wrapped everything up in a basket. Im heading off to Nette's fires... hopefully spending a night there... laughing and joking with my friend. Somewhere in this muttled mess.. perhaps we can make sense of it all...

together.

Page 445 ~ Misdirection

The fact that I made it back in one piece... well.. not all together true.. I was missing alittle blood.. some flesh around my ankle and had a new twist on shredded leg leather design.. it was... interesting? Now... I know the conversation I had with Nette last night was.. deep and intense. Something I havent ventured into with ANYONE for... well.. for awhile. I can safely say She is added to my list of now two people I trust with those files of my life needing to be discussed. But.. for whatever reason... I went to sleep and suddenly woke up with fangs and teeth snapping around my ankle and what I could only judge as a sleen.. tossing me around by it like a husk doll. I think I would have been dinner... dragged away under the wagon.. finished off had I not remained calm. Perhaps it was the fact I was asleep when it started? However it came to pass.. when the beastie released the pressure of it's jaws to get a better hold on me.. I kicked it with my other foot... slammed the sole of boot against it's head for leverage and yanked my foot from it's mouth. The tearing of skin against one sharp tooth made me cry out.. louder than I had hoped. I heard fangs snapping at air.. and there was this moment of fear.. anticipating those chompers once more claiming flesh. I scrambled like nobodys business until every fiber of muscle burned. Backed up now against what felt like a wagon wheel... I grew still and silent.. hearing the slither of the beast on the ground.... Slowly stalking me in the dark of shadows. I pulled my legs in.. making myself as tiny as possible and turned to the spokes of the wheel to pull myself up. As I moved.. I heard the patter of claws speed up... and then a lunge. I cringed.. closed my eyes tight and held on for the impact. Which.... didnt come? There was the sound of chain... links straining against a force that perhaps would have fractured those restraints had I given it a few more moments to work against them. The sleen made noises I never want to hear again.. bloodhungry... anger... defense. But who's wagon was it chained too... and why was I there? No time to sit and investigate. I was up and out of there in a flash... not stopping till those sounds where just a small drift on the night mists. I did make it back to my wagon... climbing the steps and immediately removing what was left of my leathers. Taking my trusty satchel... I treated the leg.. cleaning the puncture wounds and tears in my flesh before returning to my furs.

It took my Ahn's before I could go back to sleep again. I kept seeing the flash of fangs.. a glow of teeth against the blackness. Snapping and growling in a fit of bloodlust.

When I woke this morning... I was still tired. Sore. Confused. But not so much that I didnt know what I had to do. It was in the early Ahn's of light that I ventured out and to an old wagon. One I kept locked up with things of my past. Another Ahn of searching and I found the chest I needed. My stomach turned over as the clinks and rattles of chain were pulled from locked safety. Only about two arms lenghts.. a single cuff wrapped in soft leather.. not meant to hurt.. dangled on the end. The key still remained in the lock. I had to fight with it before it let go and slid free. This I tucked into my pocket and returned back to my main wagon. I set the shackle to the floor and finished preparing for my day. There were patients to see.. people to visit.. treatments to tend.. and oil's to be mixed. Yet... like a stone in the bottom of your boot.. that key nagged at me all day... along with the million double tarn disk question...

Who would I trust with it's keeping??

Page 444 ~ Up in smoke

It was the girl's hesitance that should have tipped me off that something was wrong. tanya... was nosing around my fires.. cleaning.. and frankly under my heels. It finally earned her a swat upside the head to which she appologized profusely. Heh. I like that girl. Once I got her face out of the dirt from that position she had dropped into... I bid her to sit and talk. I hadnt had much time to do so since.. well.. since I moved, shall we say. she's been taking care of the twin's and they were my main topic of conversation. How were they? Was she doing as I ordered and telling them every Ehn that I loved them? Was she reminding them that I would see them soon? Playing with them? Giving them my messages.. notes and gifts? On down the line of questioning it went. I was overly pleased with the answers.. though having them there.. with me.. in my arms was the only thing that would ultimately satisfy my desire.

I then redirected my line of fire towards the next incline of interest. Had she done the latest thing I requested? That's when she grew nervous and figety. "Spill it tanya" I said. And the girl lost all color in her face.. later I would I find out that she feared when she told me.. I would just start to pluck one hair at a time from her head out of anger. So it seems.. my gift I sent over to Fonce was never delivered... err yet. According to tanya. Now... if anyone knows what Im up to... or what gear my brain is working in.. it is that girl. she is my deliverer of packages.. sender of notes... etc. she knew well of the small scroll I had taken in an odd way to Him. she knew that Jax had to prod me in the right direction because of my own reservations of it even being handed off. So sitting there perplexed.. I asked her why my gift was not given as requested. she wove a tale of how she intended to do just that.. just what I ordered. Yet when she arrived at Fonce's fires... she saw Him crouched near the flames... burning something. "Something?" I asked.. and the rest of tanya's color drained when she told me it was a scroll. Much like the one I had sent over. "Ah.. I see" I said and nodded. I didnt let it show outwardly how much I was disappointed. tanya folded over to the ground at my feet like a bosk had slammed into her back. she appologized profusely. I did take hold of her hair and lift her back up... a slow smile as she flintched.. expecting a slap across the face or something. But nothing ever did come her way. I told her to leave the small package at my wagon. I then took out parchment and scribbled a few words on it. "Would like to speak with you when you get a moment. ~S " Told the girl to deliver this to Fonce. And tanya rose.. confused.. frowning in question as to why she was leaving my fires in one piece. I further stunned her by offering a smile and a motion of shoo ! with my hands. she was off and running in no time.

I sat by my fires for the longest time. Deep in thought.. and of course not good one's. Perhaps He didnt like it. Perhaps it was just to stupid of me to send such an endearment. I dont know... I never could figure people out. I guess it was time to stop trying. I looked over to the package on my steps. I would still give it to Him.. it had been made for Him. I was not one to waste supplies or time. Yeah.. I'd make sure He got it.

I spoke with Jax a few moments... then headed off to sleep. I was going over tomorrow to see Cana and the babies. Help Her out some and keep busy. I had a few crates of clothes that would be brought over as well. Lying in my furs.. I listened to the silence. In a way.. the mirage of thoughts that ran by my brain was hardly a bother. It sent me into such an overload that I was asleep in no time.

Interesting enough that... when I woke the next morning.. I had my boots on. My wagon was covered in muddy footprints and sopping wet. I took the boots off.. holding them upside down to drain the remaining water I was swimming in. Was this a joke? I looked around.. nothing out of place. Hmmm. Odd. So I headed over to Cana's... but I couldnt get this latest twist out of my mind.

Where did the mud come from... and

where had I gone?