Page 443 ~ Things

tanya came running to the wagon. At first I thought something.. or someone was chasing her. she was breathless... obviously having run from the herds. Between breaths I got.. Cana and Babies. I knew exactly what she was talking about. I dropped everything.. grabbed a satchel I had made up and took off running myself. When I arrived.. I noticed that I had become weaker over the past few hands than I thought or dared to admit. My muscles threatened to cramp.. I felt like throwing up.. and I couldnt breathe. I was really happy to see Fonce.. But moreso there before me.. was Cana. A beautiful baby in Her arms and a twin to match sleeping in a basket beside Her. I couldnt help but pull back the blanket to peek at the sleeping lil girl. Yes.. girl's. Ba'atar finally missed the stem on the ole larmas. I would not let Him live this one down.. not anytime soon. Cana was sweet enough to let me hold one of the napping babes. I wont lie.. I felt a tightening in my stomach and I yearned for my boys more fiercely. But I managed to swallow that down and focus on the newlings. They were so sweet and Cana said I could come help Her with them. I hastily agreed.. though thinking on it later would have my doubts.. I would still do it. I gave Her some of Mia's old clothes... and promised to look for Talia's and Starr's tonight.

Somehow... the conversation turned to the rain last night. Or.. it would seem.. the rain that only fell on my wagon. Into my wagon... and on my head. Could it be.. another one of my dreams? Or perhaps.. I had been sleepwalking again. A thought that I verbally spoke of that seemed to spark concern with Fonce and Cana. I watched as Fonce's brows raised.. lowered.. and a few of His expressions caused me concern. It wasnt all that bad. Ive been doing this for many envars.. nothing bad ever happened. It just seemed to get worse when I was... unsupervised. Mostly when I was lost in my own thoughts that wanted to drive me crazy. Cana seemed to think that perhaps someone was perusing around my wagon.. and had Gannon tighten up security. I also noticed something in Fonce's voice... when I mentioned not caring before about concequences. Was it a warning? Or what it just something my mind hoped to make up as something consequential. I never noticed His smile before. There are alot of things I never took the time to see. Being.. I was always Mated. But now.. as if my eyes have been opened and freedom granted.. I notice alot of things.. and I like them. Out of respect for my Mate's.. I never spoke to Fonce about certain ideals and thoughts. It is now as if a gate has been open and I can finally get the truth's to questions I really needed to know. I always wanted to walk with Him.. talk with Him.. for He holds a great knowledge and compassion to my plight. He always would lend and ear.. a shoulder.. or a hand. And in the past days and hands... He has become a very special part of my life. Something I dont want to lose.. or screw up. There are many things I need to tell Him. I'd like to get to know Him better. I want to thank Him for visiting with me when I was confined. I want to tell Him that I was sorry for being a thorn in His side. And so much more. I'd like for Him to get to know me. The real me. The one that doesnt have to hide behind wall's for protection. The Silken that trusts Him.. The Woman that can and is me. Not many have had that. There is only one living person that knows.. and He isnt talking. I hope I am not being stupid.. trusting Him. I dont think I am. I dont want it to turn out that way. Yet.. I dont honestly know much about Him. But I do know that when I am with Him.. that hard.. protective shell slowly chips away. Its a great feeling. Im thankful to have been given the opportunity to emerge. Only He and Cana made the effort when I struggled this time. That says alot to me. They didnt give up.. they didnt wash their hands. They comforted with advice.. and helped me get back on the right path. They didnt condemn me for what happened. And I grew stronger for it. It is.. because of them.. that I can hold my head up and move forward without questioning myself. I am forever in their debt.

Things.. it's good to have them.. and even better to share them.

And I want to.

Page 442 ~ Enter the darkness

For once.. I lay in the darkness..calm.. quiet.. breathing slow. Purposely holding each breath to restrain the beating of my heart. I cursed the cracks in the woodworking of the wagon. Pissed off that they allow my blanket of inky embrace to be marred with the streaks of white light. Moonlight. Firelight. My fists clentched and arms slithered up into the darkness.. shaking furiously with my muttered curses.. condemning each one for this intrusion. This... breaking of my peace. The gentle caress of nothingness. The sweet sweet silence of solitude... my solitude... interupted by those brazen zigzags. " How dare you! Vile and willfull little bolts of light... be gone! Leave me be! Go shine your glory on someone that wants you. Take with you.. those fingers of icy cold air. Do not brush against my ear.. do not attempt to caress my hair. You make me shiver against my will. You remind me of the warmth that I miss. A false touch... laden with humor... memoirs of comfort and peace. My memoirs.. the memoirs of love. " Yes.. it is that profound that I be given the peace of mind... the ability to undo the pressing down of my shoulders.. and get that weight off my back. These words rolled so freely from my lips.. mixing with the tainted air I drew into my lungs. For awhile.. I sat there.. barely breathing as if the Sky itself would punish me for defying Her and these small gifts I had renounced. There came no blast of air. No thunder.. no lightning. Nothing of a substancial recourse for my denial. I thought for a moment I had escaped Her wrath. Avoided it.. I had safely and sucessfully outwitted the great Sky! I grew smug and lay back.. resting my head to folded arms. But then.. I heard it. Soft.. in the distance.. growing louder. Until this wall of sound covered my wagon. I lay there.. flat on my back.. looking up at the canvas as a sheet of rain converged over me. Pitter.. pitter patter. Drip.. drip.. drip...drip. It was then.. that I knew.. She got one up on me. I wiped the droplets of rain from my forehead. Bloody hell.... I had left the fucking smoke hole open.

Page 441 ~ Retracing

Ive walked the rows many times. I know where I need to go.. I know where things are.. where people are that I want to see... but this time... I found myself pacing in circles. I wanted to make a left at the second wagon down from the front.. but instead I kept taking a right. I even looked over my shoulder like... Damn! I wanted to turn there! Now.. what in the name of the Sky... was keeping me from making that turn? Could it be the small scroll I held in my hand? Might be.. but more so.. it might be just what was on that scroll. It would have been easy to just stop... turn around.. and walk back right? Uhhhh no. I just kept going forward.. propelled by some driving force that just wouldnt let me make that left. The next time around.. I locked my gaze on the wagon... ready to make the left.. I reached out to grab the back of the wagon and swing myself around.. like a natural trajectory of orbit that my body and mind could not refuse. But my fingers slipped off as my feet went the opposite direction and my body arched as I just... made that right and kept walking. Now this was getting good. Jax was following me.. and I could tell by the sounds He was making that He was laughing and trying to cover it up. He finally stopped me after about an Ahn of this senseless pacing. There was a small moat beginning to form in the ground.. the next rain would surely fill it up. So with Jax's hands on my shoulders.. He spun me around and said... "Silks? What's up...." I looked to the scroll that I had prepared and then to Jax. "I uhhhh got this to deliver" I said. Jax nodded and said "To whom does it belong Woman?" Now I knew who I belonged to.. but I couldnt get the name out. I just stood there with this stupid... girlish glaze to my eyes. Jax laughed hard and nodded... took me by the wrist and dragged me back down the ladden path I had created. My heart started to beat fast when we approached that left. Sure enough.. my body went right. Thank the Skies for Jax.. He gave me a yank.. followed by a secure tug of my braid that was now wrapped several times around His fist. My orbit had been changed ! I slammed face first into the back of that wagon to the resounding bellowing laugh of Jax. "Well.. that's one way to do it" He said. I turned... more red in the face than my hair and we continued on to my desination. "What's so special about the scroll Silks?" Jax said... my fingers were rubbing a smooth, shinny spot over the parchment just near the blood red ribbon that held it rolled and spoke with nervous anticipation. "Ehhh I dunno Jax. I hope He likes it. That's all" Jax gave me an "MMMmmHHhhhmmmm" Which to me.. spoke volumes. We finally made it to the wagon and I froze. Jax chuckled and placed a palm to my back and shoved me forward before He turned and called back... "You know the way home Silkenhawk.. if you dont.. follow the footprints" And He was gone.. leaving me there shaking and trying to swallow what I think was my tongue. It took me several long Ehn to get up the courage to walk His steps.. knocking seemed right.. but knocking six horts from the wooden frame did nothing but make me look like a dumb fuck. I heard a noise inside and I went flighty. I dropped the scroll at the doorflaps.. knocked feverishly five times on the frame.. turned.. lept off the platform and ran like hell back to my wagon. I dont think I touched the steps or the ground for that matter. I dove under the furs and just waited. Comforted and kept company by the rapid beating of my heart that pounded in my ears. This..... was getting better by the moment.

Page 440 ~ Sometimes Goodbye is a second chance

I know there have been many saying.. Not again? But Hey.. We gave it a chance.. tried to see if it would work.. it didnt. For whatever reason or reasons.. it just didnt. But they are our reasons. I havent seen Shi since that night when He was enraged enough to stripped me of my clothing. That also was the last night I had with my boys. I can still feel them in my arms.. their little fingers twirling in loose curls of my hair... the soft press of a cheek against my breast. It is the absolute worst thing Ive been through. Hollow.. empty. Sad. I have to physically restrain myself from going to the wagons and seeing them. The conversation with Ba'atar only fueled my defiance and I wanted to kill something.. or.. someone. In the end .... I stayed away. I watch them from the shadows.. just passing by on a walk from the stream or the pens. I fear if they saw me they might run to me and I dont know if that is allowed. According to Ba'atar they are Shi's now.. and I have no rights to them. I understand the legistics of it.. but that will never take the pain away. And no one.. not one person can ever tell me that they are not mine. Ever. Beat me.. whip me.. tear the flesh from my body.. nothing could ever make me say it. If Shi deems Himself a Bastard and keeps me from them.... then.. I will take a deeper step into darkness and I am afraid of what I might do. But for now.. I rely on small notes and messages passed along through my secret routes.

After the talk with Ba'atar.. I went in search of someone to talk too. Everyone was busy with their own lives and family... and the more I searched.. passing by fire after fire... I realized just how alone I was. Wouldnt be so bad if all my other children were here... if Aunt was here. But Ive made sure they stay with Jerus' family for awhile longer. I cant chance the fact that something might arrise and I would be told that the rest of my children were not mine.

I hold no bad feelings towards Shi. We were always better friends than Mate's. I do miss talking to Him and hanging out when He could find a few Ehn here and there. I just dont think He understands that.. I love Him.. Im just not.. IN love with Him. Time will tell what is in store for me.

I hope.. I get another chance at it.....

Love.

Page 439 ~ Not exactly

I was happy to be free. Free from the guard of captivity.. though I still have these shadows following me. Jai came and visited my fires. I can say I was honestly not too thrilled to see Him. Everything started out on the wrong foot. He asked me how I was fairing under the care of the Ubar. I told Him I couldnt complain.. even though that struck a chord in me that could have shattered glass. It wasnt how this was to turn out apparently. Nope.. not exactly. Ive heard that from a few people. Not exactly what you expected Silken.. is it. Uhhhhh. No. Would have been nice not to invade and have to answer to the Ubar.. well .. at least directly. Like being under His thumb. Sheshhh. Not good.. nope.. not exactly.

I started missing the twins. I had an itchin to go see them and before I did something stupid.. I went to the fires to see what else I could occupy my time with. Thankfully.. it was just Fonce and Nette. I was happy to see my Sister. I was happier to see Fonce. I'd missed Him when the move of my wagon's came about and the was much to say to Him. There still is. I had Jax take a note to Him that I wished some of His time to talk. Explain. Maybe He could get a better understanding of what I tried to say before. Did I think He would get it? Nope.. not exactly. But I would try. I kissed His cheek.. I thanked Him for saving me from the darkness when I was locked away. I meant it.. I hope He knew.

So we all talked.. joked... it was like things were. Well as close as they could be given my new situation. I talked to Cana.. I cried.. whined.. broke down. She somehow convinced me to not go and get my boys... not till Ba'atar was involved in what to do.. right from wrong.. etc. There did come a point where I was going to just walk to the wagon's and see them. But surprisingly.. Fonce said something that make me rethink and not go. Did that go like I planned? No.. not exactly. Dont know why I trust Him.. but I do. And He didnt say it like a Man speaking to a child.. which is how I feel some people do. He gave His opinion and let me make the final decision. Im kinda wondering had my choice been not the right one.. would He have stopped me? I hope He would have. I'd like to think He's got my ass and watching my back. I need all the guidance I can get right now.

Somewhere.. In the middle of all the... re-introduction of myself back into life.. the drums sounded of tresspassers on the Plains. Now.. there wasnt any danger.. otherwise we would have been thrown under the wagons and left to get ready to defend if need be. But still.. I felt very uneasy.. very nervous. I felt nekkid without my weapons. At least a dagger... Skies.. a butter knife would have eased the twitches I was feeling. I excused myself and went to load up my satchel with needles and sharp objects... returning to the fires feeling just alittle better.. but not exactly.

There was much going on to occupy the mind then. Slaves came out of the woodworkings and one's that have not been around for a long long time suddenly returned as well. I didnt recognize sleen till she coiled around Fonce's leg. Well.. there is another good thing now that Fonce is back... the slaves reappeared. Ha. Guess the rest of the Free arent worth the time to come and serve. It annoyed me... because there is no reason to make other's feel less than worthy of time and attention... but.. it is not me they reflect on. Its just not my problem to be concerned about. I know when tanya isnt busy at the clan wagons she serves.. Women and Men alike.. there is no favoritism or selective serving. That is how it should be.. but it's not. Not exactly. Do other's see it like I do? Does anyone really care? Do I?

Not exactly.

Page 438 ~ I danced in the rain....

" I danced in the rain today. I didn't let the clouds bother me. Twirling with my arms outstretched. Free within my own mind. Raindrops hitting my face, Trailing down my cheeks. Mimicking my tears, Tears I shed for you. My hair damp with natures gift, Hues of red darkened with moisture. Clinging to my body and every curve. Your embrace welcomed with desire. Wind brushed the tree branches, I swayed in time with their dance. Matching the movements, Dreaming it was you that joined me. The soft flutter of autumn leaves, Played the music to perform to. My head tilted to the side, So I could hear your whisper. Thunder rumbled in the distance. A low rhythmic melody, Like the beating of your heart. I felt it in my chest. As fast as it came, the rain ceased. Your visit was quick, my dance was over. Faded brush strokes of sunlight shone down, A rainbow painted the sky above me and I smiled. I danced in the rain today." (Mine, 2008)

Word came that I had been released from confinement. But still.. a captive of the Ubar. I walked in the early morning of Ahn's... under a falling rain that drenched me to the bone. My wagon's had been moved among the Ubar and His family. I didnt protest. Not one iota. Not even a breath of disatisfaction was given. I would do as they asked... as they expected and would give nothing that could be construed as defiance. What choice do I have now? None... only to conform and mold myself to what is expected of the norm. But .. I am not the norm. For those that can see the true spirit.. need only to look at my eyes and see the caged animal waiting for the moment the door is left unlocked or open. Waiting with a hunger to be set free. Who will it be.. I ask you old friend. Not even the visionaries can tell me. Only that He is strong.. pridefull and yes.. with large hands. Perhaps He does not even know it yet.. that He is destined to have me. Or I Him. I am as blind as one could be to such knowledge myself. There are the hazes and mists that paint my dreams.. the images that seep like blood into a thick fabric... spreading slowly. Are these tauting pictures remnants of my past? Or hints of my future. No one can answer. This.. disease I am afflicted with is unseen. Unforgiving like the sick humor the Sky dishes out upon us. it remains hidden behind false smiles and kind words. Stricken down by this fight I am to endure.. with no one to share the pain and anguish bubbling beneath the surface. To cry out is to admit defeat... to ask for help would show weakness... would it not? Ahhh but the sweetest reprise is to see Him in my dreams. When the shadows part and He stands there.. with those arms folded and a look on His face... made only for me. I am no longer afraid of the Dark One.. for He is the one that will come and comfort me even with His sarchastic..sadistic taunting. Now that He no longer chases me... hunting me like a prized trophy.. will He open His heart and mind for me to enter? Can I find the trust and compliance to allow Him access to my deepest and darkest secrets? But what if this acceptance makes Him disappear from my night visions. What if once He knows I take Him to my breast willingly... to rest His weary thoughts and relax His tired body with touches of desire and love.. what if He turns and leaves? Then... I will truely be alone. I will visit Him in my dreams again... floating to His world and reminding Him that... I am here. I am waiting... and wanting. Will He accept my sacrifices and know they were for Him?

Only the shadows know......

Page 437 ~ This too shall pass

There I was... sitting in the wagon.. my ears have become super sensitive to sound. I heard the footsteps... swore it was Fonce who had been so reassuring that He would return. But these steps were light. They were not the heavy footfalls of a Man. Next the sound of a voice. Recognized as Cana. She called me to come out and I abliged.. eagerly. In dire need of company and someone to talk to other than the boskheaded guards that were little to no use on the end of conversation. We sat by the fire.. I answered questions.. gaining the knowledge that not only Fonce was picking my brain to see if it still functioned.. but Cana was evaluting me as well. I really wanted to cut my skull open.. crack open the bone and hinge it all back and say.. "See? It's still there.. what little is left, thank you" But no. I just kept answering. When Shi was brought up.. I felt that sudden pang again to see my boys. I wanted to hold them and kiss them and snuggle with them. I wondered... if I ever would again. In anycase.. Cana diverted the train of thought and line of questioning away from that sore and tender subject. She handed me a basket of herbs that She said She had little idea of how to bundle them into their respective groups. Now.. I wanted to say your shittin me right? Ive been working with them for so long... I know them just by look.. touch.. smell... etc. Perhaps She didnt know.. and this was just something to.. occupy my time. Either way... It was something to do. I took the basket and finished off the conversation with a promise to have them delivered back to Her in the morning. She left with a smile. I got up and did the same..without the smile and returned to that wagon. It was growing dark and cold.. and the lamps in the wagon provided the light and the fire bowl the warmth I needed. I used some pieces of my old clothing that had been so abruptly torn from my body to wrap and tie the different "flavors" of herbs. There was Agrimony, Teslik, Peppermint, Lavenia, White Willow, Matchweed and Bergamot. I was well into the night when I finished. Stupid me. I should have saved some for the morning.. perhaps I would not have been so bored. But.. there was a task at hand.. one that I enjoyed and I lost myself in working again. It felt good to do it. It felt good to be.... needed. Once the basket was filled.. arranged of course to look pleasing to the eyes... I headed back outside and handed the carrier to the Guard. I told Him this was to be delivered to Cana first thing in the morning. He nodded and shoo'ed me back into the wagon. 1.. because it was extreamly late.. I should have been sleeping and 2.. He was rather happily oogling a slave girl that was keeping Him company. I returned to the furs and curled up quietly. I began to worry about Fonce... He usually kept His promises and I hoped nothing had happened to Him. He had been so strong in His assurance that He would return. But that thought was quickly dismissed. I wasnt His blood family. I wasnt anyone to Him but that redheaded thorn in His side. I was more or less a burden still. I had to rely on people.. and I didnt like it. It was hard to be strong when you had no one to praise you for it. No one to share your day with. I didnt want to be an obligation that anyone thought they had to tend to. To keep company.. to keep sane.... Feed and water.. just to keep it alive. But that's how I feel. I rolled over on my side and checked the small amount of sprigs that I had chosen carefully from the herbs that Cana had me bundle. Folded gently into a piece of my old tunic.. the herbs.. mixed just the right way and in the right proportion.. the result could kill a large kaiila. They were my safety blanket.. they were my key to outlet.. should I need it.

The question now stood...

Would I?

Page 436 ~ Agony's embrace

When I woke.. it was still dark. I still had the amazing sensation that I had been floating. Maybe like flying.. like a herlit.. or a tarn. Free.. on the winds that blow over the plains. I had been somewhere.. someplace.. but I could not remember where. All I knew is... for those moments... I was free. Several Ahn's later.. smal cracks of light began to filter into the wagon. The sounds of morning about the camp began to edge their way into my ears. I knew breakfast would be coming soon and at least I could catch a glimpse of someone and say Tal. It was not the usual pitter-pat of a slave that climbed the steps... but heavy boots. I watched as the door opened.. and then the jaw drop of seeing Jax. I ran to Him and hugged Him so tightly that I actually got a grunt from Him. He peeled me away from Him and wrapped an arm around my shoulders... leading me back in the wagon to sit. The plate of food set to a table.. which I pushed away. Food did not matter.. company on the other hand.. did. He seemed to dance with something.. twisting.. frowning.. and finally.. He spoke. "Silken... I have to tell you something." I nodded. "Yes Jax? what..." My heart dropped into the pit of my stomach... Skies.. please.. dont let it be one of the kids. My own heart began to beat fast in my chest.. I thought it would jump and shatter my ribs to bust from my body. "The Ubar has announced that the Mating to Shi... is dissolved. Im sorry. You are the Ward of the Ubar now." He said. Now.. on one hand.. I was upset. I have always loved Shi. I always will. But.. things just became wrong between us. His mind and attention were elsewhere... trying to gain back His command.. and His life. This did not mean I wouldnt miss Him.. because I would.. as I had all this time while He worked. The other side was... He was free now. He did not have to worry about me... or listen to me gripe and complain.. and no one could run to Him with the Guess what Silken did.. routine anymore. This also meant that I was free. No longer did I have the anxiety or pangs of emotions that would fester inside over being or not being with Him. Hopefully.. we would remain friends. Good friends. But it was time to let go of the fantasy and realize that I was not the Woman for Him. He deserves better. I looked to Jax and nodded... Jax relaxed... He had tensed.. bracing Himself for whatever I might throw at Him.. verbally or physically. When neither occured.. the Man looked perplexed. "say something Silks..." He said. Nothing came to mind. Not a fucking word. Nil. One brow dropped as I searched for words... anything that made sense... and finally.. a phrase popped into my head. "Would you please thank Cana for everything. The food has been delicious" I murmered softly. There was no tone.. no inclination or accent on anything... it was just a monotone drab of a sentance. "Everything will be better soon Silken, You'll see." Jax said as He stood and walked to the door.. disappearing back outside. Ive heard this phrase several times now. But soon wasnt coming any... sooner. I was still a captive in the sense of the word... I was still confined and set aside from my family. And now.. I was just.. a burden on the Ubar.. Cana.. and His wagons. I was that.. person that didnt have a home.. a family.. but had to be fed and watered. I have no family left. Only Aunt. But She is a Woman and unable to speak for me. So by default.. that poor Man.. the Ubar gets stuck with me. Feeling down and useless... unwanted and forgotten... I curled up back on the furs. Hoping that I could sleep.. at least in dreams... I could roam.. ride.. run. The wind in my hair.. the warmth on my face. In my dreams.. I was no one's burden.

Only my own.

Page 435 ~ Rippled reflection

"I'd just like to see Her TRY!!!" that is the message the slave was given... the one that had shown up.. stating that Cana insisted I take a bath and the consequences if I didnt. The girl seemed amused somewhat... telling me that Cana said She would come and bathe me Herself if I protested. I was gaining my wits still.. my knuckles were sore and the open air stung against the torn flesh. I dont think I slept long... the blood was still alittle tacky. I had to look around.. reaching to scratch my temple... wondering how I got here and why I was here. The slave so carefully urged me once more to please come and enjoy a nice warm bath. I didnt argue this time... after a quick assessment of my current... condition. Yuck. I did need a bath. Dirt had dirt of it's own. I stood and gave a tug to the tunic Fonce let me borrow... and then followed the slave to the other wagon. Once inside the girl began to peck and pull at me and I flintched back. I did not like slaves touching me... I did not like anyone.. touching... me. I think? Maybe... well.. Im not sure now. Anyway.. I sent the girl away and closed the door. The water was warm.. steam drifted on the air currents... swirling into small clouds and misty threads. I undid what was left of a braid and shook out my hair... gasping when I habitually ran my fingers through it and my knuckles caught small strings of hair against the jagged tears. Shit... I hissed and lifted the tunic from the hem... up over my head and then folded it neatly to be set aside. The wrap around my lower half was untied and tossed aside. Stepping into the water... a moan parted my lips. It was more than pleasure but like a ritual cleansing.. spiritual and indepth. Easing down into the water till I was up to my neck... I lay still for many moments... letting the dirt and all my cares wash freely from soft flesh. I happen to look down and catch my reflection. What I saw.. shocked and frightened me. Laced smudges of dirt... like the scar's of a Warrior painted my cheeks. My forehead had a large splotch of grime. The bridge of my nose had a blotch of... well.. I dont know. Blood perhaps.. from my knuckles. My knuckles! I took to tending them.. washing them.. picking the abrased edges free so they would not catch and tear open further. By then.. they were numb and I could wash my hair with soap and oils. Now.. this alone is a chore being the lenght and fullness of my hair. Usually.. There was a ritual. When I bathed.. Jerus would enter and tend to my hair.. cutting the ends... trimming it so it wouldnt be so... unruly. Yes.. it had been that long since it was cared for the right way. But... I was on my own now. Not that it couldnt be done... but it would take time. For an Ahn.. I washed.. soaked.. rinsed.. washed again and then started the tedious combing of blood red curls that were as long as I was. When I finally got through all the tangles... I let the weight of wet hair hang over the bath and once more lay back... idly washing the rest of me. Another Ahn... but I was finally clean. "I know your out there.. you may come in now." and no sooner did I finish the statement than the slave was inside. In her arms was a bundle of clothing.. my clothing.. from my wagon. My wagon? But.. it wasnt the one I currently stayed in... no.. that much I knew. I stood and accepted a towel from the girl while she set down my clothes and then reached to gather up the garments I had worn here. When she took the tunic to her finger's.. I reached out and snagged it from her. she said nothing... other than a small gasp of air and then a small look of shock. Stepping from the water.. I toweled off and replaced the tunic to cover me... followed by a robe and a pair of furry slipper like footwear. I brought my leather's into my arms and proceeded back outside.... heading down the steps and off in the opposite direction of my prison like wagon. Several men stepped forward.. arms crossed.. eyes glaring. "Oh.. excuse me. But I'd like to go home now" I said. One of the Men raised a brow and I felt His hands take hold of my shoulders.. spin me around and give the gentlest of shoves... "Your a guest of the Ubar's. Your staying here." He said. "I am? ohhh.. lovely. Well.. thank you." I said.. and returned to the steps.. shuffled up them and inside. "damn" I muttered as I went inside. Thwarted again. I'd have to come up with a better escape plan. But.. why did I need one in the first place? And fuck ! Why was I here and not home? I found myself returning to that corner to sit. I was toying with the hem of the tunic when I remembered one thing.... He promised to come back.

Page 434 ~ Hanging on

How many days now... have I been secluded from the world.. from life... from the warmth of the Central Fire on my body.. the wind in my hair... fresh air. Ive lost count. I feel myself breaking down... I am loosing myself between these walls.. unforgiving... undauting... bloody hell bent on stripping me of every last fiber of sanity wooden walls. When I catch myself pacing.. I say to myself that Im just excersizing.. keep moving.. dodge... avoid.. escape. Was that my name? I think so ! But Someone was outside... that I remembered well... it was now burnt into my brain and filed in a place where I kept precious memories. It was Fonce.. and I was invited outside again ! Skies... the air! It smelled so fresh... so clean.. I was forgetting more and more each time what it was like. I was dressed as best I could.. a black wrap around my upper body and one around my lower. To say Fonce was happy.. well... He said I needed a bath and I looked like shit. That was Fonce.. blunt and to the point. Always respected Him for that. He asked what happened... and I told Him what transpired. I was surprised when He gave me His tunic. But I didnt hesitate to put it on. He said He would see about getting me some proper clothing. I just wanted a bath.. to wash my hair and brush it. Cant say I would give His tunic back right away... it made me feel.. less isolated... like someone knew I was still here.. that I was still alive. Forgotten maybe.. but still alive. We talked for a short time.. He told me He had heard on the winds that Tarra was very ill. I almost bolted from the area to run and find Her. But I knew that would not be wise. I asked Him to get word to Her... I wished I could say them myself. He said He would see what He could do. And then He said He needed to go find the Ubar. I could have dug my nails into His arm right down to bone. I wanted to scream... please! dont leave me here! I cant go back in there! But... I didnt. Anyhow.. He knew. He knew what I was thinking and He promised me that everything would be ok soon. Would it? Or would things be back to where they started atime ago. Would I be blamed for everything that had gone wrong? It would all be my fault anyhow... this.. was confirmed. All I could do was try and weave my way through the muck and hope to make it out on the other side. Still.. there was something nagging at me.. I was forgetting things. I wouldnt let on to anyone... not yet. Not when I was under such intense scrutiny. Had I truely cracked? Had I been broken? Was this what it was like to be... at someone's mercy? I would not get any answers to further racking of my brain. Fonce left before I made it to the wagon steps. I had to literally throw myself up those steps.. drag myself into the wagon... and I spun around and began to bang my fists on the door as it was closed. "please! Let me out! I dont want to be in here anymore! please ! PLEASE!" My cries went unanswered... my plea's fell upon deaf ears. But I didnt stop... not till my knuckles bled a rich crimson and I crumpled to the floor against the door....passed out from exhaustion. Even then... the dreams began......

Page 433 ~ The obvious

Not long after Fonce left... The door opened rather violently.. almost swung off the frame. There was no gentleness to His voice and no greeting.. Only a simple.. What did you do. His voice did not raise even into a questioning tone.. and it was then I knew that again I was being judged for my past regressions. I had no chance of explaining. But I did. I told my side of the story and I spoke that I made a mistake.. that I reverted back to when teasing with a blade was almost akin to foreplay. I understood... now.. to this Tribe.. in this day and age that it was seen differently. Fonce had also said the same. I offered to make ammends and give my appologies to Sef... but that had yet to be answered by the Ubar. In the darkness.. the figure then moved towards me. Even in the onyx shadows I could see that Shi held no expression. He pulled me up to stand and tore the clothing from my body. I had the urge to draw my arms about me.. to shield myself.. to hide from His view.. but I could not move. In that instant.. in one beat of my heart.. He had humilated and shamed me. I was frozen as He looked over my body and said that He saw nothing that would deem me a Male. I wanted this over.. I wanted this done.. I wanted to get away to run.. flee... escape. I could only answer each statement or question and further deepen myself into that pit of shame. He spoke sharply to me with each moment that passed... and when He said that a collar about my neck would make me lose more than freedom.. that I would lose my children... I snapped. I screamed at Him to then stop making me act like a Father AND a Mother... then everything fell apart. Because He did not "see" me.. did that mean that I was not around for my children? Wouldnt that turn the table and make everything that I was expierencing.. the same for Him? Yes. I just didnt want to argue. There was no explaining my side when He was in this justification mode. When I told Him I could not live like this anymore... not seeing Him.. Him not seeing me... that's when the seed was planted in my brain that I could be killed. Killed or collared. Either way.. either punishment was death. I asked that I be allowed to say goodbye to my children. He told me that it could wait. He left me.. standing in a pile of my clothing in this wagon I have come to hate. I hate the smell.. I hate the shape.. I hate the darkness.. the light. The noises it makes. It is... my captor. Survive.. I whispered to myself.. gathering up the remnants of my leathers and setting them aside. I took a wrap and tied it around me till I could get more suitable clothing brought to me. And then I sat.. back in that corner. Yes.. there were many times I wished to die in this muttled life of mine. Many times I danced with the edge of the mists.. and many times I prayed for it to just swallow me whole. But now.... now.. at this moment.. I wanted to Survive. I wanted to live.. free and happy. I am a Woman.. one in need of companionship.. one in need of friendship.. one in need of a shoulder to cry on. Arms to hold me.. Hands to caress me.. fingers to brush that strand of hair from my eyes.. to tuck it back behind an ear. I am a Woman that needs to be listened to.. not talked to. Not danced around and played like an instrument.

There is no doubt.. I am a Woman.

The tears that slide down my cheeks... dripping to the rounded tops of breasts.. down the curves of a feminine stomach.. to the valley of my thighs...

No.. I am definately.. a Woman.

or...

Is it you.. that has forgotten?

Page 432 ~ It's elementary

I grew tired of pacing... I grew tired of the sound of my boots. So.. I sat again. Walk or sit. That is what my excersize consisted of. There was no muscle being worked on lifting bowls.. no grind of mortar and pestle... no workout for my arms at all... no color to my cheeks from the brisk air and rays of the Central Fire in the Sky. Suddenly I felt angry. The events of that which landed me in this predictament on the edge of my brain... the tip of my tongue. There had been only five people there. Three Women.. Two Men. Me.. Fonce.. Sef.. Cana and the Prospect Yamka.. or whatever. Sef seemed to play along.. Fonce grinned.. I laughed. They got the jest.. they knew it was in fun. I also concluded that no Man would go running to Ba'atar.. whining and chirping about the incident... for it would prove them weak and unable to handle a Woman. Therefore.. I was left with two culprits.. Cana and Yamka. Could I rule either out? No. But it did hurt me that I could not rule Cana out. Not long after this insight.. I heard my name being called from outside. It did not register at first.. but I did finally move to the door and was released. I was surprised to see Fonce.. building a fire and motioning me to come and sit. Oh hell yes.. please and thank you ! He bid me to talk to Him.. and I found out that He was the Spex that would... evaluate me. Great. So.. we sat and talked. I aired my thoughts.. my opinions.. and my pointing of the finger. My index.. not the middle one. For awhile the talk continued... but it did not last as long as I previously thought it would. My answers seemed to satisfy Fonce.. and His words to me were encouraging as well as devistating. I had to drag myself back to the darkness of that wagon... the darkness of solitude. I knew what awaited me in there.. and I had much more to chew on and digest. I asked but one simple favor before Fonce left... and I was engulfed into the shadow of confinement. I know He will do it for me. To find my boys.. and to tell them that Momma loves them and not to worry... because I will.. Be back. Given what they have had to live with.... I only hope... they believe Him and understand. This isnt forever. I will....... survive. For me... for my children.. and for the one I will stand beside... the one I will wait for every night.. the one I will miss every morning and day when duty calls. The one I will greet with a smile and arms full of love when returned safely from a day of work . The one I will love utterly and with a passion never before seen. I will. By the Skies above.. I will.

" There are four things.. that you cannot recover:

The stone... after the throw.

The word.. after it's said.

The occasion.. after the loss.

The time.. after it's gone. "

Page 431 ~ Day to night.. night to day

Days pass. Sometimes I wasnt sure just what it was. Dark or light. Sure.. there was light filtering in. But without contact.. your mind play tricks on you and you tend to question even the rational. I ate.. ravenous at times. Afraid they might forget about me and stop bringing it. I even took to storing a few bites from each meal.. just in case. No.. this was not paranoia.. but it was survival. Something I could remember from my past when I was once held captive. I wanted air.. and freedom. I wanted to know where the fuck Shi was and why hadnt He come. He said He would only be a message away.. but even that now seemed to have slipped away. Another thing that had me storing supplies. I didnt know when and If He would ever return now. And if He did.. it could be months. I started talking to myself outloud... just to break the silence. It was normal. One not allowed the return of communication.. one deprived of human contact would only naturally do it to keep from totally losing their mind. Sensory deprivation. Yes. A torturers trick. Usefull.. unforgiving. But I will not let it get to me. When I heard the steps of my morning meal coming to be dropped off. I thought to rush the door. I thought to burst outside.. even if to feel the ground beneath me and draw the air into my lungs. That would satisfy them.. wouldnt it. Yes. I remained in my corner... outwardly resembling that of a frightened animal. But inward.. inside.. I was seething with pent up emotions that needed an outlet. The trips to the trenches.. were hardly a condolance. They were not under my own control.. other than the need to my body to rid itself of normal wastes. I had to ask. I could not go under my own power. I could not just walk out and where I wanted. The worst was the twins had been taken to Shi's wagons. It had been ordered. And now it had been carried out. All of my children were gone. The Ubar made the request that the children would be cared for by their Father's families. Thankfully.. Aunt, Wily, Talia, Starr, Mia and Sonny were already with Jerus' familes well before this.. spared this last bit of indignant recourse. Perhaps this visit was more than sheer coincidence and my agreeance to it was more than a simple acknowledgement that they needed to be elsewhere. My plate was set inside. A basket of bread.. a bota of water. Some meats and cheese. I only moved when the door was closed and brought the items to my corner. Sitting back to eat... and having a rather intense one sided conversation. When I was finished.. I rose and went to the door. I knocked.. I called out that I needed to tend to business. The door was opened and I stepped outside.. a hand to my elbow led me away. I had the increadable desire to bolt. To throw an elbow into the guards ribs and just take off. I would not get far.. my leg still hindered me. But the idea was there. Relief was tended to and on the way back I saw Jax. I tore my arm from the guard and ran as I could to Jax.. grabbing His shoulders.. shaking Him... "Please.. for the love of the Skies... PLEASE.. talk to me !!" I was trembling.. shaking. And I was harshly gathered back up and spun around to be forcefully returned to that wagon. I went limp like a child that did not get their way... I floundered.. spun.. twisted.. all to no avail. He was bigger than me. But I did catch Jax's look.. a pained.. twisted.. trying to control Himself expression that made me stop in my attempts to thwart confinement. I returned to the wagon without further incident. I sat back to my corner.. took my bota... and sighed... "How are the bosk?" "Are the quiva's sharp?" "The axles greased?" Carrying on the conversation with the only Tuchuk that was allowed to speak. Me.

Page 430 ~ Interior Modifications

The silence. How I lothe it. I cant stand it anymore. Even the slow.. tempured whisps of my breathing is beginning to sound like a drum within my ears. I have no way to silence it. I call out.. cry out.. hoping someone will answer. But no words come. No face is seen. Is this their remedy? Is this their plan? How long will they keep me here? Are they trying to push me over the edge... or is it just my imagination and lack of communication and contact with the outside world. My bouts of paranoia are growing more frequent. No one has come to talk to me.. explain to me what I am to do to remedy this situation. I am.. for all intent and purpose... caged. My dreams grow more vivid and more intense. The Dark One spoke to me last night... showing me His hands. For now.. they were empty.. but large. Calloused and the muscles within His palms did not match any I had seen during a conscious state. In the depths of my dreams He further taunted my inner fears. I felt that rush of... well.. His Dominance. It was a blast of inky air against my chest... and when I cowered.. His chest swelled with a pride and a conquoring laugh eminated. I hid.. I tucked myself into a corner and closed my head off to any sight of Him. I covered my ears.. but His voice leaked into my eardrums. They rang.. buzzed.. vibrated with a gritting of my teeth. Still He spoke... whispering words of distaste and eminant demise. My demise. "NOooo!" I screamed.. long and hard. My lungs burned.. my throat felt like harsh sandpaper... and I woke sitting in the corner of this wagon. Tears still fresh down my cheeks. I had to physically slow my breathing for fear of passing out. Cupping my hands over my mouth to aid my quest. It took several Ehn to restore that which was normal. My heart rate took longer. I got up and paced.. unbeknowst to me.. I was stepping in time to the thump of that muscle in my chest. Back and forth.. back and forth. Turning from wall to wall. My limp had improved.. but the bone was still sore. it would take time for such an injury to heal.. but it was healing. Looking to the door.. please... wont you open it? Please.. wont you talk to me. Someone.. anyone. I was answered with only the patter of my steps against the wooden floor. My only companion. My only solice. And it was driving me insane.

Page 429 ~ On with the show

And so.. it was explained to me why I am a captive in a wagon... under guard no less... isolated in solitude. Cool. Yep.. I know why.. and it makes total and complete sense. I have asked for the person that I offened.. hurt their feelings.. disrespected.. and every other gament of the spectrum to be allowed by so I may bid them an apology. Will it be granted?? Who knows. I'll just sit and wait... Supposedly until Shi returns and see's the head honcho.That might be awhile. Am I angry?? Nope. After hearing what I had done wrong and knowing who was there during the incident... everything makes sense. I can fully expect to be persecuted harshly. I wont complain.. I wont whine or throw a tantrum. I wouldnt give them the satisfaction. Though I am disappointed at the embellishement of other's to make sure I got the axe. Live and learn.. add this to the chapter of.. things not to do and who to never trust again.

The quiet isnt bad. The twins are fine.. Im fine. I have time to catch up on reading and receipe's that could be tweeked just right. There's lots of sewing and mending to do... letter's to write.. people to catch up with.

Now it's time to make some dinner for my youngin's. And with all that is bouncing around in my head... I cant help but laugh.

You can remove the cause... but not the symptom.

Skies.. aint that the truth !!!

Page 428 ~ Wish you were here

(OOC Thank you all for your patience while I finally got high speed internet. Yaaahooooo! No more dial up. No more freezing and lagging. It's been a long week with trouble shooting and finishing touches.. but I think I finally got it all worked out and settled!!! Now.. on with the fun!! xoxo)

I received word from Aunt today that She and the children were fine. Having a good time.. Wish you were here.. yadda, yadda, yadda. It brought a smile to my face. Me and This one and That one were enjoying the quiet time.. it was odd to just have the two boys with me. I still felt my attention pulling in other directions.. waiting for a child to come running with a scrape.. a cut.. a story of how someone picked on them. This one and That one are growing so quickly.. I was able to just sit and devote my time to them. Watching their attempts at first steps.. seeing the flop back to those lil tushies. Not since Dakota and Shanay.. have I been able to fully relax and watch nature take it progress on the growth of youngin's.

While the boys napped... I caught up on my gossip through the networking of people... checked on a few patients that needed some stitches removed and then sat at the fires with some paperwork. I didnt really pay much attention when Jax arrived. Engrossed in my parchments... treatments and such. It was when His hand touched my shoulder to get my attention that I looked up. Something about His expression caused my stomach to flop. Shooting up... I grabbed Him and asked... "Is it one of the children? Is it Aunt?" "No.. get some things for you and the boys... You have to come with me." He said. I lifted a firey brow but He gave me no room or time to question. Ushered to the wagon to gather up things I needed... which included the twins. Jax took all the satchels and with the sleeping boys in my arms.. I was led away.

We wove the rows of wagon's till one of them was pointed out to me. I looked to Jax and the Men around it. I leaned up to Jax and asked... "What did I do?" He just shook His head and tipped His chin to the steps. A bit unnerved and terribly confused.. I walked up and into the wagon. Jax brought the satchel's inside and then turned to leave. "Wait! Where are you going? Why am I here!" I spoke up. He turned slightly and whispered... "It's ok Silken. Just relax. Everything is fine." And with that He left. Fine.. fine? My foot everything is fine. I got the twins settled and then headed for the door. Met with a guard outside that told me I was confined to this wagon. This... got me angry. I had done nothing.. so what was this all about? I could only huff my annoyance and return to the furs to sit and wonder just what the hell was going on.

Rubbing the backs of my sleeping warrior's... I told them not to worry. That this was an adventure.. much like their older siblings were on.

Im glad they did not hear the tapping of my foot against the wagon floor.

But I did.

It grew louder and more irate.. the long I sat in confinement.

Now what?

Page 427 ~ And thy water shall bathe me

It was the turning point of the season. (Happy New Year Everyone) I waited at my fires for Ahn's.. alone. I seem to say that alot. When the moon's rose to the 20th Ahn... I was visited by Aunt. She leaned to kiss my cheek.. whispering words of encouragement and love. I told Her I was trying my best to hold on. When She sat with a small sigh... I knew She was up to something. Asked Her flat out.. I did. "What?!" She then proceeded to tell me that She would like to take the children to the back wagon's. Jerus had family there and so did She. I thought this over with little emotion on my part. Frankly I thought it would be good for the kids. I agreed.. perhaps to quickly.. and saw the look on Aunt's face. I had to add that... I thought it was important the children hear of their Father from more than just me. Nahir nodded. But... the twins.. Shi's boys.. would remain here. I did not have permission to let them go. Again.. Aunt nodded. Neither one of us saw things differently... yes they had different Father's but it was a fact we did not bring up to segregate them with. Fact remained... the twins were Shi's blood and I had no right to remove them... even if He wasnt around. I also told Her that She would need to get each child's permission to go with Her. Nahir smiled that small smile and nodded.. then told me that She already had. Wily.. Talia.. Starr.. even Mia and Sonny.. had all agreed.. rather eagerly to go. It was... an adventure in waiting. For a moment.. the Mother in me became angry that my children wanted to leave me. But I soon was reminded that I also needed time to find myself again. Aunt had a way of slipping those tid-bits of information to me that didnt hurt as bad than when someone else might say it.

So we would have a big dinner .. and in the morning... they would venture off. I made everyone's favorite's to eat. Using the meat Fonce brought the other day... fresh meat always tasted so good. I thought about Him alot over dinner. How.. everything He is going through and has been through... He still had time to think of me. He always did... that is what I respected Him for. Our talks at the fire were not only comforting but also informative.. and I was glad He was back.. happy He found His way home to His people and those that love Him.

With dinner over.. I kissed each child and told them I would rise with the Central Fire to see them off. Excitement spanned the area and they all ran off to make sure they had their things packed. Aunt offered to help me clean up... I shook my head and told Her to rest... She would have Her hands full starting tomorrow. Again She kissed my cheek and then headed off to sleep.

I cleaned up the plates and stored the leftover food. Now in need of a washing myself... I headed to the stream. It was late.. dark...and chilly. I would wash my hair there... instead of the warm baths.. something about the cold water that made my hair shine and feel so soft.. I could withstand the air just to do it. Stipping to the waist.. I unbraided that long.. thick rope of fire and then knelt over the rushing water and began to clean my hair. As I was almost done.. I felt the prickle of flesh rise to my back. I sat up sharply and looked around. I could see or hear no one.. but I could feel eyes on me. Grabbing a cloth.. I covered my hair.. and well.. my hands covered the rest of me. I shot up and out of there quickly. Be it Man or beast that gawked.. I would not stay to find out. Rushing up the wagon steps and diving into my furs.. I lay there for awhile just deep in thought. I would have to get some sleep.. ok.. more like rest. I needed to be up to see my children and Nahir off. The rest of the night dragged painfully slow.. but also.. morning came too quickly.

I was starting to regret letting my small Tribe go.

yet... I knew....

I had to.