Page 552 ~ Salt in an old wound

It always happened around my Birthday. The sentimental thoughts... the tears both good and bad. and sometimes the anger. Usually... I directed it at the Sky. That fickle callous bitch who laughed in whispers and just loved to strike terror and misery into my life. I swore I would not let it happen this year. Trouble is... I swore every year that it wouldnt and something always brought me down into that abyss where memories lie. This year.. would be no different.
The day started well. The children brought me a half ass attempt at breakfast in the furs... which.. aside from a few burnt pieces of bosk strips and runny vulo eggs.. was not all that bad. Course the best things about a Birthday is undenably ... PRESENTS ! I was having a grand ole time.. unwrapping little gifts all the children had either made or found in one of my wagon's o' treasures. To see their little faces light up with my act of surprise and then my praise of "How did you know I wanted... just this !!??" Priceless. It was almost mid day by the time we finished. I had one gift left to discover and was at the point I was searching the door frame for Ash. I had yet to see Him and well... if I could have a wish on this day... it would be some time with Him. Dakota announced that it was time for lessons... yes... even on a special day the children still had their various teachings to attend. My eldest son would escort each child out.. pushing a few by the backs of thier shoulders... protesting all the way... ahhh yes!! That's my brood! But it was little Ess.. twin brother of Vee that threw the biggest tantrum. He broke free of Kota's wrangling and ran to me with a small leather wrapped item in His hand. Quickly He set it to my hand.. and I realized that among the mayhem of all the kids being in the wagon... I had missed His gift giving. My heart just sank. Ess whispered.. "I didnt get to give you my present, Momma." And I smiled.. brushing an errand dark red.. almost blackish strand of hair from His eyes. "But son... You did. I have it now." I said thinking it would cheer Him up. But Ess just shook His head and said.. "But.. not in front of the other's, Momma. They aint gonna see." Ahhhh I got it. "Ohhh Ess.. Im sorry. I didnt mean to miss you." I said and looked over the wrapped tiny gift. "How about if I open it tonight at dinner... even when Ash is there! Wouldnt that be great for Him to see it too??" Ess just burst at the seams and threw His arms around my neck.. kissing my cheek. "Good idea Momma!!" He said... and then turned boasting a proud puffed up chest as He went to follow the other's out. I heard Him on the way down the steps... "Momma's openin' mine at dinner.. when Ash is there!!" I chuckled and looked around at the gifts and just swelled with pride at my children. Sure... there were alot of them.. but they were mine and they were healthy.. and they were Tuchuk. What else could I ask for???
Now.. Im not one that can hold in a surprise... let alone.. leave a present unwrapped. I knew I couldnt wait till dinner to see what Ess had brought me. So... I began to unwrapped the leather folding until I could see what was inside. It took several moments for what I held in my hand to register in my brain. I tried to push it out of my mind... faking that it was just a piece of carved wood... innocent.. simple. But it sank in deeply exactly what it was. And up until now.. I had completely forgotten about it. Yet... in my palm ... I held the hilt of a dagger. An old.. worn dagger handle. A dagger with a secret. True the blade was gone.. snapped off during its last use. But that hilt brought back a flood of double jepordy. The original giver... and the last usage.. was enough to send me into that tailspin of twisting.. turbulent memories... that just sucked me down into the dark abyss. I do not know if my eyes were closed or open... was I dreaming... or just stuck in a nightmare of flashbacks. But... I saw.. clear as day.. the moment that dagger was given to me in a shiney.. pristine condition. I saw the giver. One had I sworn to push from my memory and thoughts. And in sequence with that.. began everything that we shared in our lives.. from meeting to becomming mates.. to everything inbetween and back and forth. I asked the Sky to stop. I begged Her to not torment me... not today. Haughty Bitch.. didnt listen. Instead.. She added to my pain.. showing me then what transpired the last time I held the dagger. Who.. what.. where and how it was used. I saw the blood... I tasted it. I felt its warmth as it ran between my fingers.. down my arm and pooled against my elbow within clothing. I watched a last breath taken... again. I heard the slowing of a heartbeat and then the silence of death. I closed my eyes in this vision.. but it did not stop. My secret. My painfull ever torturous secret... I lived with everyday... was once more being played out.. in full blown color... against my will. I tried to scream.. I tried to move.. to get up and break free of this... but my body felt frozen in it's place... I could do nothing but watch what unfolded in my mind. For whatever reason.. the Sky suddenly released Her hold on me and I felt the moment of chance to escape. I must have screamed.. LOUD. Jax came tear ass into the wagon with a blade drawn... me.. still caught in the haze of my dream... only looked at Him .. wide eyed.. shaking. "what !! who?? where..." were the words Jax got out.. standing defensivly.. waiting to attack. And when nothing happened.. He frowned.. "Silken?" He looked at me... then His expression when from anger to concern. "Silken..." He said softer and sheathed His blade to move and crouch before me. He touched a finger pad to the back of my hand.. and I reacted with a flintch. "Your... so cold" He whispered and stoked up the small fire bowl while adding a fur over my shoulders. One of the other Men had called out to Him.. making sure everything was ok. He called back to check the Forge.. find Ash.. and was informed that Ash had riden out on the plains to think. "Find Him !" Jax shouted and then moved to sit beside me. "What is it" He spoke softly.. rubbing His palm over my back.. trying to warm me up. I could only shake my head.. the hilt of the dagger was tightly clutched in my palm. He noticed the object and began to try and wrestle it from me. "Let go" He said softly at first.. but I could not move my fingers or relax them. "Let go Silken!!" He said louder.. trying to pry them free. "Damn it Woman!! Give me this blasted thing!!" and with a yank.. He freed the hilt from my grip. I heard His breath still... then He exhailed... and pocketed the piece of wood. "It's ok.. shhhhh it's ok" He whispered. "Ash will be here soon Silks... He'll make you feel better" I wasnt so sure. But as the haze finally cleared and I could feel my arms and legs again... I leaned over against Jax. I was tired. Exhausted. He curled an arm about my shoulders.. rubbing the side of my arm. It was in no way.. anything sexual or even could be construed as such. Jax was like my brother.. the closest thing I had to one. In times when I needed Him.. He was always there. And right now.. I needed to know it was ok... I needed to know someone was there... watching over me.... protecting me.
"Happy Birthday" I heard in a whisper of laughter in my mind.
"Bitch" I muttered under my breath and closed my eyes.