Page 419 ~ Knowing the Now

My day of solitude in the wagon was hardly a punishment if Jax tended it to be so. I more or less choose to think He was protecting me from whoever or whatever might be outside. After I had cleaned up the blood and changed clothing.. I went to work on some oil's that had been sent to the wagon's for medicines and such. I had two Warrior's in the Nightmare under my constant observation.. One.. a Young Man with severe frostbite to His hands... the other, an older Man... dehydration and confusion. It was easy to get lost in the snow.. blinded by the sheer white blanket that lays under you and also falls from the Sky. I was working constantly to save the Young Man's fingers.. He wanted to be an Iron Master... He would need them. The older Warrior just needed rest and caring. I was tending to the Young Warrior when I heard my name called from outside. It was Nette and She was beckoned in with a responce. When She entered.. I so wanted to smile and felt the muscles in my face try to do so.. but it just wouldnt happen. She asked if Ramza could come in as well. I told Her to let Him stay outside.. maybe something would freeze and fall off Him. I was thinking His head.. the one above His shoulder's.. but.. Nette voiced a different appendage that She did want to break off. So.. He stood in the doorway while Nette made Herself at home. Now.. there is something about Ramza that bothers me. Always has. I know I spoke for Him when He arrived.. and I asked Jerus to sponser Him and He did so... and also.. it's not like I expect a thank you or eternal gratutity for such.. but.. still Ramza rubs me the wrong way. He is less than sociable. Never around the fire's unless a slave is there and if He is there.. He is much like a ghost. He does not speak to other's.. simply caresses the slaves that He calls to Him and winds up leaving with them.. carried off to His wagon for time alone. He is... in my book.. an anti-social fursleen. Unless the flesh around Him can be bent to His will and whim and manipulated by His hands. He always seems to be in a rush to leave.. even with Nette. Like He can only be with Her or a slave in private. This was again confirmed when He stayed only a few Ehn and then suddenly had to leave. It surprised me that Nette stayed... and yes.. the first red flag went up that something was wrong with my Sister. We sat and talked.. and I could tell by what I said.. I was striking chords within Nette. She didnt have to tell me what was wrong.. I figured it out myself. Yet our talk was over before it really began or I could help... She had to leave. Im sure to go to Ramza who was whining and/or insisting She return to their wagon. I sighed when She disappeared outside.. and I was mad. Mad that She allowed Herself to be put into this situation... one we both had so desperately tried to escape. I could do nothing but be there for Her and I would continue to do so.

I returned to work... my knee still throbbing and wrapped to protect it from the cold. About an Ahn later.. Jax appeared next to my table. He gently threw a fur over my shoulders and bundled me up.. helping me to my feet where He pulled me against His side to aid me in walking outside. I was taken to the side of my wagon where He pointed out something on the canvas. I had to squint to look closer.. and there I saw handprints. Bloody handprints. He had me look down.. showing me one set of footprints that led from the darkness to the back of my wagon. How the tiny feet were staggered.. shuffling and where they finally stopped facing my wagon. He explained that He and His men had tracked the lone prints from the outer rings of wagons... then to my wagon.. where once they left the side of it.. they moved forward to the steps.. then further on where they met up finally with another set. Mine. Jax walked me back into the wagon and sat me down on the furs near the main fire bowl of the Nightmare. I could see the pain in His eyes and hear it in His voice as He appologized for thinking I could have killed the slave. It was evident now that whatever had attacked her.. was out in the darkness. she had managed to get to my wagon.. leaning against it with bloodied hands before spotting me walking back from the Central wagon that night. As He began to piece this together... I suddenly remembered the girl.. bumping into me.. grabbing at my chest for support.. my hair tangled in her fingers as She slid down and collapsed. I had crouched down to aid her.. I had tried to save her.. to stop the spurts of blood that drained from her wounds. With her last breath she flopped face down in the snow. Jax continued to work His way around saying He was sorry. I simply shrugged it off. Just doing your job.. I told Him. He stood and had some broth.. some hot blackwine brought in for me.. and asked if I wanted company. I told Him no.. that I had to tend to my patients. He turned in silence. I was glad. I didnt need Him doting over me. I didnt blame Him.. I didnt blame myself. When He paused at the door.. he whispered.. "Your babies need you" I sighed and nodded. "Bring them to me" I said and He exited out into the cold. Moments later He returned with two crying.. squirming bundles and handed them down to me. Both the boys fussed as I settled them and pushed the small cowls back to expose their adorable faces and red hair. There was no denying they were mine. Each child fed held close to my body while I leaned against a crate near the firebowl. I knew deep down they were mine... yet I still felt like something was missing. It was something I felt I would not get an answer to. But there was one thing I did know...

this feeling was familar.

Page 418 ~ Dual Blackness

I limped outside to Jax's words. Standing on the platform of my Nightmare.. my hands coated in dried blood.. my clothing stained.. and a trail of crimson drips led from the body crumpled in the snow up to my wagon door and now where I stood. "What did you do !!" Jax screamed at me.. He was angry.. enraged beyond how Ive ever seen Him before. I stood there.. my mouth agape.. looking at my hands then the body. I could not remember... did not remember anything past when I left the Central wagon last night. Yet.. before me lay the body of a slave girl.. face down...frozen in a blanket of red snow. "Silken ! Answer me!" Jax screamed and ran up the steps at me. I cringed.. I actually cowered. "I...I.. dont remember... " I whispered. Jax grabbed my wrists and shoved my hands to my face... ordering me to look. I turned my head away. By the Skies... I could not remember. Did I kill the girl? If so why? Who was she.. what had she done... I closed my eyes to the mass confusion. I heard Jax say to Enu and Raz to remove the body.. to burn it.. to then clear the blood from the ground before the scent would draw any predators. I suddenly remembered then... Larl's being spoken of... and I screamed to Enu.. "Take the body to Jai !!! Let Him examine it ! " I could only hope that He listened.. because Jax had spun me around and dragged me by the wrist and braid back into my wagon. I was still pleading to Enu and Raz as the flaps were closed. He sat me down on a crate.. pacing.. growling... He was too angry to form a sentance. But finally He spoke low... "How could you..." He said. I looked to Him... and whispered... "What makes you believe that I did that?!" He stopped walking.. then turned sharply and came to me.. grabbing one of my hands and thrusting one of His fingers into the reddened palm. "Dont tell me you dont know blood Silken !" He growled... and I looked at my hands again. "And if that isnt enough...." He said as He reached into His pocket and produced several long strands of my hair.. holding it up before my eyes... "We found this... in her hand..." He said.. and then grabbed the edges of my tunic and yanked them outward to the side. The sick sound of fabric tearing and the chill of air to my upper chest made me shiver. Another thrust of His finger into my collarbone.. "Look ! Look at the scratches... " He said as my eyes lowered to my chest. They were undeniably fingernail marks. He wanted to strike me.. but simply stood up and walked to the door. "Do not leave this wagon Woman." Was all He said.. and I was left alone.. confused and hurting.

I didnt do this....

Did I???

Page 417 ~ I cry for me

Jax says to give it time... that I will remember everything. He is usually right. There are a few things foreign to me right now... mainly people. He also tells me that I was hurt when the ground opened up... even Jai told me this so... I guess it must be true.. but I dont remember any of it. I remember stopping to help the old couple with their wagon full of furs.. but.. that's all. When next I think back.. Im in my wagon.. my head is cut.. bruised.. and my knee hurts like a bosk danced on it for a day. People talk to me like I should know them.. I try to remember that I just might... but only get angry that I cant. I went to see Aunt.. She always helped me make sense of things.. yet this time She only upset me more by telling me things in a way I did not want to hear. She says Im mated to Shi again.. and that we have two baby boys. I seem to remember the babies.. but cant connect to them fully. My body tells me they are mine.. but my head doesnt want to accept it. Aunt says that I am blocking out the things that are painful and that I need to go see Tarra. I dont want to see Tarra.. Im fine !

Jai stopped by.. checking to see if I ate. I didnt.. I dont want to. he took Wily.. Talia.. Starr.. Mia and Sonny to eat at the Main wagon. I got mad when He told me I had only a choice of what I would have to drink with my dinner.. and I started to throw things around. I know He left when an urgent call came in from the Outriders.. and I know I sat on the wagon floor for a few Ahn.. yet again I dont remember what... if anything I thought about. Next thing I knew I was dragging myself to the Central wagon to find my kids. Cana told me they werent there. Some strange Woman addressed me like She knew me.. telling me to sit and relax. She even tried to give me blackwine. I gave the bowl to Cana and walked out to search for the kids. Shuffling through the snow.. I called for them in the darkness and ever loving damnable cold. Finally Wily poked His head out of one of Jai's wagon's and grabbed the steps while telling Him to gather His siblings .. we were going home. Shortly after a parade of redheaded lil Tuchuks were trudging through the snow and back to Aunt's wagon. I was met by Jai and Kaeli.. again He angered me by insisting I eat. Kaeli tried the more calm approach.. asking that She let Her look at my head and my leg. I tried to remain cordial.. telling Her I did not need anything.. I was fine. I was fine.. I mean I am. They wanted me to go back into the Central wagon.. but I didnt want to go there. There were people there I didnt know. A Woman with shackles on Her wrists.. a quiet Man.. addressed as the scarrer. Even the Man that Cana addressed as "My Love".. I felt I should know Him.. but just couldnt connect anything else to Him. I just wanted to return to my wagon where I knew everything. I was safe there... and it didnt hurt to look at things. I ventured into the darkness and the cold.. my knee was throbbing.. dragging my leg behind me with each step.. when I felt something bump into me. I got angry... and when next I remember.. I was back in my wagon. I had blood on my hands... and all over my jacket. There was a commotion outside and Jax climbed the steps of the Nightmare... His face was stolic.. He simply said..

"Come out here quickly.. there is a body in the snow"

Page 416 ~ Into the Abyss (Part Four)

:::::The wagon still rolled when next She woke. Curled in the comfort and security of arms wrapped tightly around Her... She gave a sigh of contentment while nuzzling Her nose against His chest. In response.. a palm when to the back of Her head and the tips of fingers grazed through Her hair while nails scratched lightly at Her scalp. Ahhhhh yes.... contentment. Lips curled to a slow smile and Her head began to lean back from His chest.. in no rush to open Her eyes as She enjoyed this moment. Her tongue slid part Her lips.. moving in a slow tease from corner to corner and She inhailed a breath that was released with a soft moan. When His lips pressed to Her's She felt Her body roll to life against Him. But She was then met with hands on Her shoulders and He pulled away. This made Her open Her eyes.. and even wider when She saw it was not Shi that held Her. It was... Jax. The way She threw Her body away from Him made Her cry out in pain and He still moved to gather Her up.. wrap Her back in the furs and get Her comfortable. So many thoughts went past. And finally She asked Him. "He didnt come? It was you? All along?" Jax only nodded.. and stayed silent for several moments before He whispered to Her... "I was afraid you would give up." Silken was heartbroken. Shi had promised to be there.. promised to always be there for Her. And now the reality had set in.. no matter how bad She tried to hold on and tried to remain confident that everything would work out. Faced with the facts that He wasnt coming back... and if He did.. would She accept the excuses or lies.. or both.. and continue to rot away in this life? She was more than a trophy and She was more than someone that should be taken for granted. This.. was simply.. unfair and inhuman. She bid Jax to leave Her and He did. Now faced with all She had to deal with... there were two choices.

Kill... or die Herself ::::::::::::::

Page 415 ~ Into the Abyss (Part Three)

::::::She was lost in a world of dreams. It was Her body's way of preserving it's life... keeping Her unconscious. But even in such a state.. Silks was not one to give up or give in. People from Her past would visit and take part in conversation.. even then She didnt give a passive moment. There were those She fought with.. those She cried with and those that just laughed at memories. She became aware of the sleep state when She next saw Shi. And She looked at Him with a tilt of Her head and a lift of one firey brow. "Are you dead?" She asked Him. "Nope" He said. Typical Shi. So He sat.. and they talked. She was able to tell Him things that She never could when awake.. because He just did not care about such things in the awakened world. She was just an object to Him. Just His Mate. Again.. She felt like a trophy to be displayed... and perhaps dusted off when He wanted to take it out and show it off. "You do not care about me " She said to Him... "Maybe at one time you did.. but no longer. I know what's going on and I am not going to take it. Either you will be here for me... or you wont. It's that simple. So? Your answer?" And Shi just sat there with that smug smile. "Your answer !" She screamed. Just as His mouth opened.. She began to drift away. It was if She was being pulled back by some unseen force. Fingertips grew cold.. painfully cold.. things started to hurt. Her legs ached.. Her back throbbed and Her face tingled with pinpricks of pain. Silks opened Her eyes and felt the drops of ice to the back of Her neck. They melted quickly and ran down the front. "Shi?" She whispered.. and was surprised when She was answered with a "Shhhhhh.. it's alright. Im here." There was the sound of other Men... the crunch of ice... breaking.. shifting. Someone was touching Her.. someone was there ! She felt something under Her stomach.. wrapping around Her.. then a sharp stab of pain in both legs that made Her scream in agony. The crate had been moved and blood rushed back into Her limbs. "No ! No! Ohhh please stop !" She cried and a tender touch to Her cheek eased Her fear. Suddenly.. the wagon gave a disgusting crack... and it fell beneath Her. She screamed again for a moment as She began to fall with it. Then there was a snap and She stopped... swinging in the air. She could look up now and see that She was tethered to a rope... a Man had Her and they were being slowly pulled up. It seemed to take Ahn's.. until the Man got to the edge and was hoisted up. She followed easily to the tugging and finally was grabbed and pulled up over the edge. Her legs were limp and numb.. of no use to Her. Her hands stiff from the freeze. The Man that rescued Her knelt down beside Her.. She could hardly keep Her eyes open... but whispered a soft thank you. He bent over Her and finally removed His wind scarf and there before Her... was Shi. "Am... I still.. dreaming?" She whispered and He gently kissed Her lips.. murmering against them... "No love." Skies.. how She wanted to wrap Her arms around Him but couldnt.. and the joy She felt in Her heart overwhelmed Her so much that She passed out once more. She was lifted in His arms and carried to a wagon where Shi climbed in with Her and tended Her near the small fire bowl as they moved to catch up to the other's. He carefully and slowly rubbed Her fingers and hands with His.. letting the blood return to them over time. He did not warm Her too quickly for this would send Her body into shock and Her heart would stop. Instead.. He used His own body heat to bring Her temperature back gradually. It was Ahn's later that the pain would wake Her... making Her cry out and wince.. grabbing Her one knee. But He held Her gently yet firmly. And when the pain subsided enough that She could once more breath.. She sighed and lay against His chest. "Beautiful Tuchuk" He whispered against Her ear and She smiled ever so lightly. If He only knew how much She needed Him.. and damnit.. if He only cared :::::::

Page 414 ~ Into the Abyss (Part Two)

::::If it werent for the furs that had tumbled around Her and kept Her warm.. She would have froze to death within the first Ahn. It was actually peacefull.. lying within the protective embrace of warmth. However long She was out.. there was no way to tell.. but slowly sounds and words began to filter into the clutch of darkness that emcompassed Her being. They were far away.. like someone shouting from a great distance.. but became louder and louder and She then realized that it was Jax... and He was coming closer. He was in all actuality only just above Her. And He was now threatening Her with a beating if She didnt answer. He had tried everything to rouse Her and now that She slowly drew to consciouness.. a small groan escaped Her lips and there was movement in frozen fingers. Jax coaxed Her now.. easy... comforting and She could finally manage to whisper. Talking to Herself.. where am I? What happened? When She heard Jax call Her name again... Her voice grew louder and She gave Him a response. Im here... Im alive... sorta. She tried to move again and the dull throbb of pain shot up the back of Her legs into Her spine. She hissed a growl. This was good.. there was feeling.. and from what She could tell.. nothing was broken. The more She tried to move though.. the wagon would tilt and groan... small pellets of icy crystal's began to patter the top canvas of the wagon. Jax yelled to Her not to move... the wagon was not stable and could slid further down at any time. Down?? She thought. What does He mean.. down? With a shift of Her eyes alone.. She then looked up to see somehow... that She had fallen into this crack in the Earth. Now how the hell did this come about?? The plains are flat.. vast and stretching far and wide? Had the group taken a wrong turn somewhere? Lost in the snow and ventured far from the normal travelling route? Aparently so.. for She knew of nothing within these grounds that could cause this. In all the passings She had made this didnt seem logical.. nor could She even pinpoint this area that could cause this. Someone was gonna get a talking to.. if.. She ever made it out alive. Jax told Her that there were other's in trouble.. to hang on. He would get to Her. There was not much She could do other than lay there and fight the cold and weakness that already had crept into Her body. The pain was getting worse in Her legs and not being able to move to aliviate it only angered Her. She drank from the ice crystals.. sucking them as they melted... trying to survive. Her head started to spin again.. dried blood trailed down a cheek from a cut on Her forehead. Once again.. She drifted back into a world of darkness... just as the light of day itself began to fade. One word called from Her lips.. loud enough that even Jax heard it before She faded away::::: "Shi"

Page 413 ~ Into the Abyss (Part One)

:::::::: The night was long as the day was short. It seemed an endless motion of riding.. trudging through the snow.. wagons getting stuck.. bosk lying down to die.. people fighting for their lives. The ice.. how sick it made Her. Hearing it. Seeing it. Watching it build on everything that crossed it's path. It's weight was at times unbearable. And because of this.. as Her wagon's rolled forward.. Silken noticed they came upon another wagon pulled out of line and off to the side. She had Wily stop... and Silks unstrapped the babies from Her chest and handed one to Aunt and one to Shanay. Wily was told to keep moving.. for fear the wheels would lodge into the ice and become bogged. She unhitched one of the medical wagons that was in tow with the Nightmare and pulled the team out of line. Heading to the stuck wagon.. She looked inside and found an old couple huddled together. Their son had rode ahead to gather up another team of bosk. Hearing this.. Silken leaned around the side and took a closer look seeing that the team that pulled this particular wagon had all but died. So looking back to the old couple.. they were motioned forward and gathered up with furs around their shoulders and head and ushered to the last of Her wagons with Aunt. Silks told them not to worry.. She would unhitch the team and then hitch Her wagon to their's and pull it out. The old man was hesitant.. but His mate finally poked Him in the ribs and then pushed Him to Silken's wagon. The wagon was filled with furs and crates. Jax had rode up.. and they began to dig out the wagon and take care of the dead bosk. The team had been unhitched and Silks stood up to stretch.. rewrap Her wind scarf and tighten Her gloves when She suddenly heard a sound that made Her breath stall. She felt the vibrations in Her boots and saw the crack in the earth that ripped across the snow covered land. Jax yelled.. She saw Him.. saw His face.. but heard nothing. Nothing but the sickening cracking and grinding of ice. Something in Her vision caught Her eye and She turned to see little Mia running towards Her. It was all in slow motion. She put up Her hands.. screamed for Her to stop. Then She saw Jax diving for Her and suddenly they were being lifted up. Silken craned Her neck up and thought the earth had heaved. But it was not them that lifted up.. but instead.. it was Her that was being sucked down. The ground had given way... and Jax suddenly appeared again.. laying on His stomach and reaching down for Her. Silks was frozen in Her spot.. afraid to move.. let alone jump from the small island as it might totally give way. She clutched the teetering wagon and heard the cracking again. A voice inside Her head told Her to move and She flung Herself into the old couples wagon and burrowed into a cocoon of furs. The crackling and crunching grew to a deafening sound and then the wagon turned over. The sensation of falling.. spinning.. and it was errily quiet. The next sound She heard was the ground rushing to meet the wagon. Somehow.. the wagon crashed down rightside up.. She was thrown up to the top of canvas and then tossed down.. landing half out the back flap. The whole mess had come to rest on a ledge about the lenght of three Men down. Furs covered Her and She tried to move.. when there was a sudden stab of pain to Her legs that made Her cry out sharply. A heavy crate had broke free.. lodged into the wagon floor across Her legs and now pinned Her on Her stomach in the wagon. Not far away.. upwards from where She was.. She could hear Jax calling...tell Her to stay calm.. He would get help. But She could not answer.. She tried to call out to Him... but the cold.. the weakness had taken it's hold and soon the darkness took Her and She closed Her eyes.:::::::::

Page 412 ~ Impossible odds

I was tired. Beyond tired. The nights have been cold.. hard.. lonely. I keep the babies close to me at all times now. Secured against my chest.. one on each side with fur craddle of sorts. It puts a strain on my shoulders and back but I cannot let that bother me.. I cannot leave the children alone.. not in this weather... not for awhile. Shanay has Mia and Sonny.. She keeps them moving and keeps them warm. At night She does much as I do with the babies and sleeps with them tucked close to Her and the small firepit in the wagon. The girl's.. Talia and Starr huddle close together for warmth and Ive now insisted that we all sleep in one wagon to help with the warmth of our cold and exhausted bodies. When I need to leave either of the babies to tend other's.. I take one to Aunt and one to Jax. Ive noticed both of them struggling with the air... fussy.. uncomfortable. Frankly.. I cant sleep.. I keep rubbing little limbs and breathing under blankets of furs till I almost pass out myself. But if it keeps them warm.. again.. I do not care. Aunt.. Shanay... Jax and I make a human ring around all the kids when sleep settles. The wind blowing the covering isnt an annoyance as one would think.. but more of a rhymic tapping that thankfully lulls the kids to sleep. Aunt sleeps.. this pleases me. She is a strong old vulo... clutching my girl's close to Her. They are all the warmth She needs.. She reminds me of this every morning. Mia and Sonny are a mass of twisted limbs with each other and that ball of lil Tuchuk's is held tightly by Nay. Jax holds the Wily Man and me with the babies... all around the glow of this small fire. Somehow.. I find peace in this wagon. Watching each child.. each person.. surviving by the will of another. We all feed off each other.. take the heat of our bodies and preserve ourselves to face another day. I am however afraid to close my eyes... in fear one of the children might roll away from their keeper and become uncovered. Though the idea of this is severe and the images so vivid in my mind.. I try to not think them... they still seep into my thoughts and make me shiver. The babies cry alot now. I fear I dont have enough milk to satisfy their hunger. Ive taken to suplimenting this with some watered down bosk milk and a small amount of mushed grains. Something to help fill their bellies. I promised Jai that I would make sure the children ate.. and Ive kept my promise. But this does not apply to me. When I look at a piece of jerky or tabuk meat.. I feel that I am taking away from the kids. Ive been cursing under my breath.. cursing Jerus and damning Shi.. for leaving me this way. It's just the cold... playing with my mind and further exhausting me.

I dont know how much more we can all take. Soon we will begin to lose bosk and people. This move is one of the worst ever in my memory. The rain.. windstorms... compare little to the freezing cold and abundant snow and ice. It is deadly as it is beautiful.

Somewhere in all this.. I must find time to rest.. I must sleep. What good will I be in such a state even one more day in all this. I cannot answer. But I also know I cannot allow anything to happen to anyone. The guilt alone would destroy me.

No.. I have to stay awake.. I have to protect my children.. the future.

Somehow...

Page 411 ~ Cold to the bone

~~~~ The healers and all their respectful wagons had been checked and consulted. The medical supplies were low.. but enough to still get them to the North grounds. Silks, Kaeli and Falon worked constantly to tend those injured in the scuffle with Turia and now dealt with many cases of wind and cold exposure. They would tell as many as they could to pass the word along to each person Free and slave... to keep their boots dry and warm. Stuff them with whatever they could to insulate them.. and when any clothing became wet.. change immediately even if it meant borrowing. The fingers needed to be kept covered and also dry. Children and the Older Tuchuk's needed to be watched and checked on because they don't feel frostbite usually till it's too late. When resting at night they were all told to rub a little bosk fat on the cheeks and nose to help protect the exposed flesh.
Any one with herbs that could be used for medicine's and such were also asked to bring them to the Nightmare for disbursement so the healer's could work on building up more supplies. Paga of course was still available from the barrel's that had been made prior to the move... and given out in small cups to help with warming the body when riding in the open.
It would be a long week for the Tuchuk's.. but the Healer's made sure they did everything they could for each and every person along the trail.

She knew that Tarra had alot of goodies stored up as well... and would make a trip to go see Her for some supplies that could be used as well. ~~~~~

So it grows colder.. much colder. I have to keep watch on my kids and Aunt. I am thankful that Jai and Teng have been hunting successfully and sparing some meats for us. What they brought I divided up and sent some to the back wagons. It was our way.. and my way to watch out for other's too. There is little time to write what.. with being so busy. I know Falon and Kaeli are doing fine.. we see each other now and then in passing as we gather what is needed for the frostbite and cold related problems. In between making supplies and healing we all pause to uncover grass for the bosk... what a site to see that peeking from the blanket of white. As bad as it is.. it is still awe inspiring. We will get through this... we are a hearty bunch.. and we are determined. The air seems to be changing.. and not for the better. What it will bring this next passing of days I am not sure.. but it seems... ominious. There is unease and nervousness abound.

It's still good to be Tuchuk

Page 410 ~ Seeing Red... everywhere

So... I stepped out of my wagon after an Ahn of rest and tethered to the side post was this huge.. red.. kaiila. At first I thought it a dream.. maybe I was still tired.. or still asleep. But the beast just lifted it's head and puffed air through that long muzzle.. tossed it's head up a few times.. then dove back into the feed bag. Well.. uhmm ok. I moved closer.. slowly... and Jax stood nearby with blackwine and a smirk. He told me... it was from Teng. "Teng?... Teng?! Jai's son?" I said.. and Jax made a goofy face.. nodded and said.. "How many Teng's do you know... yes dumbass.. Your Nephew." Well boskbells. Now that this beauty of a gift was mine.. I found it more interesting. I had to touch it .. carefully! For the Red did not know me all too well yet. He was beautiful. I had to laugh at the color.. I suppose boasting that blood was my favorite color didnt have anything to do with it. A smirk... and Skies.. a small laugh.. though I quickly covered that up. After greeting the kaiila I ran into my wagon and got a small box.. asking Jax to deliver it to Teng's wagon. More of those cinnamon candies I had stockpiled for the trail. As much as I wanted to jump on that new kaiila and ride the open plains.. there was much work to still be done. Post treatments and new injuries.. re-stictings.. errr Tuchuk Men rarely listened to healers and sat still long enough for sutures to take. Checking on those that recovered... reapplying bandages.. everything in the gamant of the lot. I saw Kaeli and Falon in passing a few times. We were able to nod and roll our eyes to each other with a grin. I knew exactly what they conveyed. All the Men were healing... and whining in Man style as most do. I checked on my group of Men at the fire before heading inside the Nightmare. I grabbed tanya and gave her parchment. We would need an inventory of supplies.. mine we low and I could only assume that what Kaeli and Falon had were about the same. With instructions of what to do.. I set tanya to the task of counting my wagon.. then heading off to find Kaeli and Falon and taking stock of theres as well. Alot of what we needed was in a few wagon's scattered among the line of wagon's.. but most would be gathered once we reached the North. I would need to make a bartering trip once settled to replentish. But for now.. we had everything we needed.. barring another skirmish with Turia. Hell.. and if we didnt have it.. we made it. Simple as that.

It was back to work. No rest for the wicked. ever. And as Tarra told me.. Only the good die young.

Pshhh... I'll be here forever.

Take the light, undarken everything around me. Call the clowns and listen closely, i'm lost without you. Call your name.... every day.... when i feel so helpless. I'm fallin' down but i'll rise above this, rise above this. Hate the mind, regrets are better left unspoken. For all we know, this void will grow and Everything's in vain, distressing you though it leaves me open. Feels so right, but i'll end this all before it gets me. Call your name every day, when i feel so helpless... I'm fallin' down, but i'll rise above this, rise above this. Call your name every day, when i seem so helpless. I'm fallin' down, but i'll rise above this, rise above this doubt.

I'll mend myself before it gets me

Pahe 409 ~ Victorious

The sounds of the Plains were amazing. Ive never remembered such a rush through my veins as we listened to the Men... OUR Men crush Turia under our steel. At first.. it was just the low drone of Men and beast but later it turned to the clink and scrape of steel.. cries of Men.. Skies.. what a rush. I only wish I could have been there.. yeah.. Im still a Warrior at heart.. but I was there.. yes.. I was. Heh. The battle was fought well into the night before the thundering paws of beast's and Men returned to the Harigga. Healer's had gathered and began to take the first arriving from their mounts to be tended. The more serious were taken to the healing wagon's. Myself.. Falon.. Kaeli.. Shanay and all other healer's knew where to be and what to do. Of course other's with even the basic knowledge of care were also about to tend the more lighter of injuries. They were a well oiled group.. and I had no personal problems with knowing each had a mind on their tasks for the night. We all knew it would be an endless line of bodies to tend that would take us into the morning and probably the next day.. if not the next few days. Blackwine brewed constantly.. slaves ran between wagons.. gathering herbs.. lotions.. salves.. bandages.. sutures and any supplies called for. Every now and then when we would pass another healer.. a nod of our heads and a smile for we knew our Men were proud and fought valiently... it made us stand taller to assit these Warrior's whom shed blood for the People. The cries of ... "It is good to be Tuchuk.." carried far and wide.. every Warrior.. even in their pain expressed such and it made me smile each time I heard it.

I made sure to check on Falon and Kaeli... for this sea of bodies could have been overwhelming and something we are not akin too.. but I was happily greeted with sweaty brows and smiles. They did wonderful and are a credit to the Clan.

I take a moment now to look to the Sky.. and say my thanks for everything.. Our Men returned.. Turia shakes in defeat and the Tuchuk continue to walk the plains.. OUR plains with swords high.. the bosk even bellow with victory.

It is good to be Tuchuk.

(Awesome job everyone !! That was a battle for the record books !!)

Page 408 ~ Bound as one

There is little time to write.. the Tuchuk are on the move. North we head.. to warmer air and and blankets of grass to feed the bosk. My mood has remained constant but Ive managed to step aside a few times and enjoy myself and other's as we stop for the night. Jai and Teng have sorta taken me under their wings.. helping with things I need done and suppling food for me and my pack of redheads. I expressed my gratefulness to Jai and it was good to hear that I was family. We are all family yes.. bound together with a common bond of love and support.. but there is something deeper to know your related to someone more than just by Tribe. I didnt feel alone in this vastness of people.. anymore. I have Jai.. and I have His son Teng.... Whom I see as a Nephew. Then there is Kaeli.. a new young healer and the object of Jai's eye. They are a good pair and I would be happy to see them join. I have offered the Pink Nightmare and supplies to Her as She begins Her journey among the Tuchuk as a healer. I would hope She would come to me with any questions or needs in our clan. When I heard She made Tribe... I sent a basket of goodies over as a gift of welcoming. I was surprised in return that the Woman sent me gifts back. It was not necessary but it was so nice to be thought of. I now have a beautiful mortar and pestule of blue and gold hues.. and a lovely hand made healing satchel. I dont know if I could ever use them.. they are so pretty... but I keep them in the Nightmare.. to remind me that yes.. there are those that care about me.

Tarra and I had one of our little mouthy jests... no.. we did not fight... but we had one hell of a time teasing and laughing about each other. It was an amazing night. I felt more love in that moment than I have in many turnings since we started the move. We wrestled alittle.. poked fun at each other.. all a precourse for our usual scuffle that always seems to happen during the move North. Must be the chill of the air. Im actually looking forward to that broken nose... its just that good. I missed Her. I missed talking to Her.. and I will find the time one of these nights to go visit. Maybe we can talk alone... I do still need Her guidence.

On another note.. Ina had somehow rode up to the caravan the other day. It was a mix of emotions and some not too nice. Tarra came along and reminded Ina that the boy She took from the plains was not Her's and was to be returned. This caused many a harsh word and threats.. but in the end.. what was right would be carried out.

Ba'atar's brother took to tracking Ina down when She tried to leave. That Man is odd. For some reason He does not return my greeting when I extend one.. and He has been less than civil... but.. He is a Man. Its no sweat off my brow. My first impressions are usually the best. And this one has been made.

Nette and I took off to ride the line of wagons also. Just to clear our minds. We talked for awhile... about things that mattered and things that didnt. It was just two Women still trying to find their place... as it always will be I suppose. I wound up returning early into the morning and salting Kaeli's wagon with some of that famous Itching powder... figured it was time She be christened.

Beta.. that damn kaiila is still spinning circles. Impossible to ride. Ive decided He will be glue. Im now using some of Jax's and Dakota's beasts... though my son has trained His well and Ive warded off a few bites that left a colorful mark.

There are many thoughts bouncing around this head of mine... and these are just a few memories of the trail. More will come as I remember them.. and as I find time to put them down.

The wagon's ready to move again.. there are many chores to complete. Healing and tending the familys... readying foods when we stop.. keeping our Men warm and fed... keeping everyone's spirits up. The list is endless.. but we do it without batting an eye. It is life.. it is the way of the Plains...

and its so damn good to be Tuchuk.

Page 407 ~ Trapped in a corner

Jax made sure I got up.. He made sure I fed the twins.. made sure I ate. He talked for Ahn's trying His best to avert my mind off the obvious. Shi was missing. It had been a full turning since I last saw Him. There had been no word at all... I could do nothing as He spoke but stare at the corner. Jax finally sighed and told me that this meant nothing.. the move was upon us and Shi was busy.. perhaps scouting. I could only nod... no it wasnt the fact that it seemed my curse had struck again and I would be left alone that had me down. I had resigned myself to living alone again.. without a Mate. What had me upset was... I was stupid enough to let myself get into this situation again. Jax headed outside for a moment of air but returned quickly with a basket filled with goodies. I still had no urge to move let alone look... so Jax rooted through the contents.. smiling and showing me the items. I knew immediately they were from Nette. Inside were tea's and lotions... a pair of fuzzy slippers... some clothes and salves for the twins.. and the most wonderful of all... chocolates! Had I been myself I would have jumped in glee... but I couldnt even manage half a smile. Jax unwrapped ne piece.. held it to my lips... but I could not take it. Again He sighed and noted that inside the wrapped were written phrases. He showed it to me... and I read silently the saying... "The heart has a reason, which, reason does not know" I sighed. Jax shook His head and placed a hand to my shoulder... "Silks? Isnt there anything I can do for you?" Jax said... and I spoke the first words in days.. though quiet... "Yes.. leave me please" I said. Jax looked disheartened but slid the basket towards me and turned to leave.. "I will be right outside... as always Silken " He said... I could see the concern in His eyes... I felt the longing in His heart... I too wished it all to end.. I just couldnt find myself to do so. I did finally eat a chocolate... or three. I saved the wrappers with all the sayings to be pressed into this journal. "Add a little sweetness to your day" Was another saying.. I thought it was cute. The next one said... "Go easy on yourself".. maybe I should. But where did Nette get these chocolates.. they seemed to be predicting my moods.. my thoughts. I wondered if She stole these from the Spex.. and it made me chuckle ever so slightly. So ... I wanted just one more chocolate... before I would undo my braid and try to get some rest. I announced to noone.. just for my own amusement.. as I unwrapped the last chocolate.. " Ok chocolate.. predict my next move !!" As I undressed.. I stood there.. looking at the wrapper.. the words nearly slapped me in the face... my breath ceased.. my heart suddenly skipped a beat. Trembling violently... I backed up into the corner.. crouched down and cried. The wrapper slipped from my fingers and now lay before my feet... the words screaming at me....

"Promises are made to be kept"

• 
  Take time to laugh, it's the music of the soul.
  Promise yourself more moments like this.
  Friendship is the gold thread that ties hearts together.
  The best ideas come after you think you've run out of them.
  Trust is the most valuable thing you'll ever earn.
  To accomplish great things one must not only act, but dream.
  One little smile can fill the room with sunshine.
  Love is a flower, friendship is a sheltering tree.
  Friends love the person you were and the one you've become.
  Footprints on the sands of time are not made by sitting down.
  There is only one pretty child and every mother has it.
  Promises are made to be kept.
  If you live in the present, every moment is a new beginning.
  Push yourself to notice the extraordinary in the ordinary.
  Time is a river without banks.
  The heart has reason which reason does not know.
  There is no strength like gentleness, and no gentleness like strength.
  The further out of reach, the stronger the temptation.
  Add a little sweetness to your day.
  Be true to yourself.
  Make time for you.
  Enjoy life's simple pleasures.
  Eating chocolate is like giving yourself a big hug.
  Climb high, climb far, your goal the sky, you aim, the stars.
  Isn't life sweet?
  Share a smile with someone you love.
  Go easy on yourself.
  I have only one vice, and it's chocolate.
  Chocolate makes everything a little better.
  Chocolate is more than a taste, it's a feeling.
  Melt someone's heart with a Promise.
  There is a joy in giving back.
  Savor every happy moment.
  Little things can make big differences.
  Live your dreams.
  Wisdom has two parts: 1) having a lot to say, and 2) not saying it.
  You are the star for which all evenings wait.
  Celebrate the child in you.
  Have chocolate before bed to sweeten your dreams.
  Chocolate.....who needs a reason?

Page 406 ~ Backlash of promises

Everything comes full circle. If Ive lived by any mantra.. this is one. Tribe above all weighs in a close second. Why second? Because tribe above all is something controlled by us Gorean's. You can live by it or you cannot. I cannot control other's.. I cannot control myself at times. I am a Woman subject to the curse of emotions and yes sometimes.. I want to come first. My people would come before my life.. givin the chance.. givin the choice. I would put my people.. my Tribe before myself. Yes. Without a thought.. and in a heartbeat. But life coming full circle is not within my control... it is to the Sky and Spirits that it happens. It's so wrong.. how I feel. I know I must be damaged... tainted.. cursed even. Ive made promises... I cant keep.. havent kept... and I swear Im paying for that now. Eventually.. life.. catches up to you.. your promises come back with a vengence and stronger than anything you could ever face. So how do I handle this. Do I let the guilt and misery consume me? I do not know. But I know that I cannot die now.. I cannot let those broken promises of my death hang to close. Not now.. not yet. "This one" and "That one" still need me. The rest of my youngin's still need me. Until a time when they dont.. I will live with the pain of what is swirling inside me. I have doubts as to things right in front of me. The closeness of people.. relationships and love. Maybe its me that cant love anymore. I was so afraid of never feeling it again... I dont think now I ever will.. and I dont think I want to. It hurts when your stepped on and abandoned.. when your left alone with your thoughts and left to watch other's embraced in love and caring. This isnt the life I wanted.. surely I would have chosen to have it turn out differently. Watching those that claim to love and care.. simply turn their backs and walk in the other direction.... or not show up at all. No shoulder to cry on... no ear to lend... no hand to hold or pull me from the darkness. Just me.. my thoughts and a fire that dances nightly to the sound of silence.

Fonce was right. There is no hand upon the lands that could handle me.

But there is also no heart.