Page 426 ~ Bass Ackwards

I drempt that night.. out on the plains. He came for me.. my Dark Shadow. I felt Him hover over me.. squeezing the life from my lungs.. threatening to tear my heart in two and throw it to the ground. The sound of His breathing has not started yet.. nor the stench of His breath or dark.. evil laughter has also not crept into my night. But.. I know it will. Soon. Too soon for me.

I rode Red back this morning. Everything I had set out to seek.. to find and to make sense of was on a back burner. Until I hit that wall. The smell of the fire.. the bosk.. the grass. Life. Life among the wagons was waiting. But for who? Gone was the day of jesting and joking. It was nice while it lasted. So I humbly climbed the steps of the wagon. My note was gone. He had read it. There was no response. As I expected. Im starting to resent this feeling of entrapment. Caged and captured like a wild larl. Funny thing is... eventually.. they go crazy and then succum to devistation and are destroyed. Tainted... scarred. Once their usefullness is gone.. what is left?

I needed a friend. I needed someone to talk to. I felt ill.. bile rising in my throat.. wanting to escape.. to purge from my body. When the opportunity came to release that which I had to... I turned into a weak.. selfish.. idiot. I said things I have always wanted to say... and Im an ass for doing it. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have stuck my neck out for something that is very possibly a lost cause? ... .... ... ... because I want it. I want it more than anything Ive ever wanted in this life. I want life. I dont know how to show it.. say it. It is so strong that... I get all twisted up in the meaning and words and trip over my own tongue. Yes... I could go crazy. Easily.

The reason for living walked away. Well beyond my reach. I cannot compete with it. I thought I could. I wanted to stand up and say.. Hey! Look at me! Consider me! But no... Not now. Not for you, Silken. Yeah.. what if? No... useless. Fuck.

Skies.. how could I have been so dumb. To think maybe.. just maybe. Bah.

Always another time and place. Ingest more poison.. more.. and more. Im left being farsighted when I should be nearsighted. Looking closer rather than in the distance. Watching... waiting.

When... when will my Pride come?

and will it be....

too late

Page 425 ~ Redline

The events of the day left me swirling in a pool of questions. Yes.. it was nice to be among the people.. joking.. teasing.. ok yeah I laughed.. once. But when it was brought to my attention that I had done so... and such a big deal was made of it.. I had to step back and wonder... Is this what I had become? And is it what I wanted? I thought so... I think I did.. maybe. Im not sure. I had to get away and air out my brain. If there was only a way to open up my skull.. take the damn thing out.. wash it.. dry and put it back.. I would do it. So... I opted for the next best thing. A ride. I had yet to take the Red out.. on one of my soliare missions of self scrutiny... now was the chance. I left Shi a note.. not like He'd find it... He's off again.. somewhere.. doing something for Sky's know how long.. Im not privy to that information... but Im sure someone else knows and will fill me in someday. But I left the note none the less. The children were with Aunt and Nette... Skies help them. I packed for a few days.. saddled up the kaiila and took off into the fading light. The Red responded to me well... Teng had picked a great beast to match me. I used little more than leg and a few verbal sounds to control Him. It was freedom at last. The wind in my hair.. my braid flying behind me like a rope on fire. The chill of air to parts of exposed flesh. I could breath again. Once in the moonlight I marvelled at the color of the kaiila.. so close to my own hair that we both melded into one riding lump across the plains. I was able to fade away from everything and everyone. Able to think.. or try to.. about what my plans for the future were. I knew what I wanted... now how to get it. That would take more riding and a stronger heart to figure out.

When rest became a necessity... we stopped. No need for a fire.. it was warm enough with layers of clothing to keep warm. I had no desire to eat.. and drinking from a bota required no cooking. Red and I were basically melted into the tapestry of the plains. Unless you tripped over us.. we would probably not be seen. Awesome. So while Red rested.. legs tucked under Him on the ground.. I leaned up against His gut.. marvelling at the stars... the twinkling.. the way they scanned slowly across the sleeping Sky.

I dont know if I will find my answers.. perhaps they will find me. But I have fresh air in my lungs... water for days.. and the best friend a Girl could have beside Her.

Me and Red...

us...

against the World.

Page 424 ~ Soup D'jour

There is an urgent urgency it seems for me to eat. Why? I dont know. But Ive been instructed by a few to make sure I do. Perhaps it is my appearance.. I have lost some weight.. I am sure because of my knee and my inability to fully move about like I would want to. Ive been able to hunt and fish alittle.. food though is not a problem at the moment. The children seem to go through a tabuk side of beef a day. Fishing requires at least 15 catches of the day and alot of Wily's Paga worms. Dakota and Jax alone eat enough to feed the camp... Aunt eat's like a herlit... the girl's eat healthy.. Wily tries to keep up with Dakota... Mia and Sonny eat their fair share and now the twins have crushed meals of real meal and broth. Honestly.. I dont have time to eat with preparing.. feeding.. then cleaning up. Im lucky to keep a bowl of broth warm to toss down before the evening is so late and I collapse.

Perhaps I am rushing night. I know it is my most favorite and my most dreaded if that makes any sense. As much as I like to wear my leather's.. soft and tight against my skin.. to peel them off and embrace the freedom of nothingness on me is another joy. It is also a time when I feel my most lonely. No one to share the cool air on bare flesh.. no one to speak of my day too.. soft touches and caresses of curves and flesh. Funny how the little things are what we miss the most.

By lamplight.. I write after stipping myself of the second skin of leather. Curled on my side in my furs. Mostly I fall asleep for a few Ahn's.. dreaming of wonderous adventures that await me.. riding the plains in freedom of air and dust. Lately... my shadow of blackness appears in these sleep visions. Though He has returned He has yet to make anything more of a visual presence. No words or interaction.. which.. I hope to keep it so. He terrified my dreams for a long long time. He seems to know when I am at my lowest and unprotected without the wrap of arms about me. I do not think I could stand Him haunting me again... not now. I have enough to deal with.. too much infact. I thought He was gone for good... but I see now that He never left. He remained hiding in the deepest recesses of my mind.. waiting... knowing that I would once again open myself up by diving within and hiding there too. Is this the key that I provide Him by my insecurities? Or is it my desire for unobtainable pleasures of life that breathes fire into His lungs? I could always see Him in the flames.. I think I catch glimpses of Him now in fire. Jerus... could reach into the abyss of my mind and hold Him at bay. I miss Him... I miss how He helped. He calls me now.. my dark shadow... to that small valley upon the plains. Im trying not to listen.. even though it is not words He calls me with. I cant explain it.. it is a pull.. like a string to my heart.. tugging.. urging me to follow. I find myself waking on the platform and looking out over the plains. Wondering how I fucked up and let Him back in.. wondering how I am going to expell Him this time. I can only wait.. wait for the help and guidence I pray will come. Will I make it back from the edge this time? Or will I fall over silently and disappear for all eternity.......

It's not up to me anymore.

Page 423 ~ Outside In

When the drums sounded... when they brought the message that one had returned... I admit. I was stunned. One that for long I had called friend... someone I could talk to.. was back... well... I dropped what I worked on and stood outside listening. I did not run to the fires... no. I stayed.. I waited... hoping all was well. I was gifted to find out.. He was fine. Thin.. dirty... confused.. but alive. It took me the next night to go to the fires... settling my gaze on Him and smiling.. even if slightly.. at least on the inside. Fonce.... Fonce was back. It pained me to see Him in such a state and I asked had He seen a healer. He retorted in His usual demenor that He had seen one in passing. I did not push His skating of the real issue... but I told Him He needed to see a healer.. and not just with His eyes. He knew what I meant.. but the fact He drove home once before... long ago with me is... not to press a Man into being treated. I caught Him staring at me several times... I know it is because of my own ways I have changed. I am distant and drawn away from everyone. Quiet.. serene. I trust no one. And when I left... I threw myself back into work.. satisifed I had seen He was still breathing. It was a shock that not long after... Fonce approached my fires... asking to sit and join the warmth of flames. I nodded... it would give me time to assess His condition in quiet ways. Other than the missing memories of His journey and His physical appearance... He seemed in good health. Thin and drawn.. this would be cared for with food and rest. I gave Him something for His uneasy stomach to help food agree just alittle more with Him. Then we talked.. for Ahn's upon Ahn's. It was the best medicine for both of us. I was about to get Him some tea when Ba'atar arrived. This changed my lightened mood back to hiding inside. I did not trust Him anymore. I knew He would ask of Shi.. and I knew no matter what I said... I would be wrong. I was right. He said I made a fool out of Jai for making Him come to Him and tell Him that I was not getting food. A point I would not argue... only to say that I was asked and I could not control what people said. Hiding inside was hard to do... and Fonce gave me a swat to the back of the head... so I asked Ba'atar if I might be allowed to speak at the fires once more. I still did not agree or understand about what I had said ... I still did not think it disrespectful.. but I had noone to stand up for me.. and simply had to agree. In the end... He granted me permission to return to the fires... voice and all. I knew I would.. but speaking would be another story. I rather enjoyed being inside myself now. I would not complain anymore.. I would not say anything that could be used against me... for it seemed no matter what I said.. was wrong. It was taken and twisted and used to try and hurt me. Ahhhh but you cannot hurt that which does not feel. Not anymore. So the Men drank.. Ba'atar His water.. and Fonce His tea. And finally Ba'atar left... it bothered me.. how the anger festered inside me. I think Fonce felt it.. because we started talking again.. and some of it just poured out from me... like a dam breaking. I cant believe I said those things... everything that welled up inside.. everything I felt.. how I wanted to kill... how I wanted to just fade away. But Fonce didnt run... He listened. Skies bless Him.. He did. And He made sense of the senseless. He was outside.. looking in. But it meant the world that someone came to me.. and cared. As much as He has been through... is going through.. He cared enough to come see me. This.. spoke volumes. A small weight lifted.. if just for a moment. It was nice.

For a few moments.. passing in time... I was outside.

I was... alive.

Page 422 ~ Just like normal

I was sitting outside the Nightmare.. stirring potions.. salves.. oils.. the usual evening events for a healer such as myself... when I heard the sound of a kaiila. I knew right away it was Shi.. returning from wherever He had ventured off from for such a long time. I was angry but did not let it show. No. I kept my mouth shut.. I kept my feelings hidden.. because if this is the way it was going to be.. I was not going to let myself get hurt again. He walked to me.. grabbed me and kissed me. It was very hard not to let myself just melt against Him and show just how much I missed Him... how I worried.. how I needed Him. I brought Him food and continued my tending of the kettles while we talked. I told Him how I thought Him missing.. being there was no word for so long. He finally understood how things looked to me and said that He would right everything. Yet.. deep down I fear the damage is well beyond repair. Ive heard the rumors... Ive seen the looks.. but it doesnt matter to me anymore. Things have changed... and me along with them. Gone are the days when I could trust anyone.. even those that claimed to care. They are the one's that no sooner stab you in the back when you turn around. They put up a front before other's to make themselves look good.. then spin around and talk bad about you. If that is the way it is to be then.. good. At least now I know it and can avoid it. Sometimes I wonder if they ever truely wanted me to suceed... maybe they wanted me to fail and worked at it so I would. When things go bad for them.. they can turn it around and try to make me look worse.. taking the spotlight off them. Same ole same ole. Its normal. But... doesnt that mean that I am stronger then? Because I take this and keep bouncing back? I suppose. But again... it doesnt matter. I have many people to tend and treat... and much work to keep me busy for all time. I dont have to trust them. I dont have to be anything more than a healer. That.. I know I am good at.

The night was growing late by the time Shi and I finished speaking. Nothing was resolved. I never intended it to be. But I know I am still distancing myself from Him but cant stop it. I dont want to... its just an internal defense that was alerted.. and I dont know how to fix it. I never would have believed that I enjoyed being spoiled or pampered... not in the way city Women are mind you. But just the little things I had come to favor. A soft kiss on the neck.. the holding of a hand.. stroking of a cheek... words of reassurance and love... being held near the warmth of a fire. Things I took for granted that are now gone. It isnt Shi's fault.. He is a Man of the Tuchuk and not a false Man ... one that would allow Himself to be seen as such. I dont worry though... I will get over this and go on. Its time that I stop being so sappy and feminine. It didnt do any good anyway. I tore my heart off my sleeve and placed it back in safe keeping from prying eyes and viporous tongues.

Its better to just be silent and still....

let the noose swing and catch it's prey.

People.... please

OOC..... Alright people... Ive had enough. I will not stand by AGAIN and be persecuted for crap that is and was out of my control. Reguarding this whole mess with Shi being missing... here's the deal.. once and for all and final. Silken last saw Shi on Sept. 25 when the twins were born. She next saw Him on Dec. 8th. Me the Mun had sent numerous e-mails asking what was up.. if something was wrong.. was He still playing etc. Now why He did not answer them.. I dont know. But.. this unfortunately led me to believe He did not want to play anymore or whatever His reason He had stopped playing. Without ANY idea of what was going on and without any response to my e-mails.. I was left in a situation where I had to play Shi as missing UNTIL I could find out what happened or what was going on. A few people claim to have known Shi was out hunting or patroling with Garyx. Well goodie goodie.... How come I wasnt told this??? Isnt that Shi's responsibility to tell me such? I would think so. JaiMun took it upon Himself to help hunt for Silks.. even Teng helped when She was injured. Silken even told them this was not necessary.. but they did so to help Her. Now last night Shi appears and He says He was out hunting.. and that I was always sleeping when He came around.... well ok fine, if that's how He is playing but an E-Mail telling me such would be good so I didnt have to make something up and think He wasnt coming back.
So you can all stop assuming.. you can all stop saying that Silks is playing a pity party card for sympathy.. I dont need your sympathy.. I dont want it.
I DID NOT KNOW WHERE SHI WAS... IC OR OOC... that is the jist. That is the fact. Dont any of you dare to insinuate things against me anymore. I am NOT trying to get rid of Shi... I happen to like being around Him. And Silks adores Him. Yes.. He is a DingDong for not answering me.... but it is no one's place to cut me or Silks down for only doing what had to be done when there was no contact or information for FOUR months. Ok? Now.. since this is known.. any further shit you write or speak about Silks will be ignored and taken from where it came from. Yes.. Im pissed off and tired of this. Mind your own flipping business and stay out of mine. Kapish??

Page 421 ~ Staying Sane inside Insanity

I was greatly at err to think once we arrived North that things would get better.. somehow improve the current situation. Why.. in the Sky's name I even ventured to the fires.. I dont know. I felt the air.. felt the tension .. yet that sick and twisted part of me just had to see what lie in waiting. I found out.

Greeted by Jai, Kaeli, Cana, Teng and Aygulli... wasnt not so out of the norm. What disturbed me was when the Ubar arrived and things became... ugly. There was a tension that could have choked ten bosk between Cana and Ba'atar. I noticed this immediately. He treated Her like crap... now of course that is between them and not my business.. but it still bothered me. The how's and why's are for their consumption.. but I sure as hell wouldnt have accepted the treatment rendered. Maybe that's why Im so isolated and cast out. I dont fit the norm of what a Woman is "supposed" to be. Something.. I may never understand.

Reguardless... what happened next.. left me more confused and stunned than before. The talk of Shi arose.. being I have been tending the children pretty much myself. A few have made claims to seeing Shi. It was the other night when I did get a brief glimpse of Him.. before He once more disappeared. That vision was four months in the making though. Shi stated that everytime He was around the kids told Him I was sleeping. Impossible. I have not slept in a long time.. a least where I would not know He was here. There have been no notes.. no endearments of His visits if He has made them.. and just keeping up the occasional appearance is not good enough... for me. ( and OOC.. I havent seen Shi but once since September so I can only play it as such, thank you)

But I digress.... Ba'atar and Jai got into a discussion about me and Shi. And it fell to the Ubar stating that my wagon's were to be moved. I simply stated that my wagon's were fine where they were. There was no tone.. there was no sassyness or any taint to my words other than a statement. My reasons for saying it? Simple.. I have many wagons.. why should I crowd out Kaeli and Jai's space? They do not need my ten children and me and Aunt and Jax for that matter.. around them while they begin their lives together. Yet.. I was met with a rather firm.. "Shut up Silken" from our illustrious Ubar. "If you say so" I replied to Him. And then He ordered Jai to have me gagged. Did I argue? No. I simply decided to leave.. yet Ayguili saw fit to stand up and block my way. Still.. I said nothing while Ba'atar and Jai bickered back and forth. Over what.. I dont know.. I wasnt listening... in that simple moment.. I lost respect. I could see insecurity oozing from the Ubar. Sure.. He may call it punishment for interrupting Men when they spoke.. bah. Smokescreen. I see it as fear. It made more sense in how He was treating Cana now... trying to force His manliness on Women because deep down He just doesnt know how to handle them. Is He so threatened by me that He must resort to having me gagged? And since when could we not speak our concerns outloud only to be punished? Now.. had I said.. "Fuck you.. Im not going anywhere..." well hell yes.. that is disrespect... but I never saw a simple calm statement jumped upon with such vigor. What is He trying to prove? Does He think a gag will humble and humilate me? Hardly. My stock.. my blood is deep.. it takes more than a piece of leather in my mouth to turn my britches backwards. Perhaps the Silken of old would have protested.. but Ive reborn into what I am now. I do not think even Jai saw that. But perhaps.. perhaps He does now. I remained calm. I accepted.

When most had left... I stayed behind near the fire. I was nervous with pent up energy.. figity and flighty. I could not sit still. I tossed a stone.. I picked a drummers beat on a rock with a stick... and I tapped my fingers on my legs. This seemed to anger Ayguili who threatened me with a quiva and the cutting off of my fingers. Still.. I could not remain imobile. So Ayg resorted to walking over to me and twisting my arm behind my back.. stating how we could do this the hard or easy way.. the adult way or the bratty child way. Another show of how Men resort to physical abuse instead of simply asking something to be stopped. I could not respond other than to nod and let my finger's relax on my leg. My stomach turned over when He praised me like a little child. Whatever. Both those Men come from the same larma tree for sure. They do not know how to treat.. speak or act towards a Woman other than to demean Her to the level of a slave. I personally think.. in my own opinion they fear any Woman with the gumption to stand up and be heard and seen. IF we threaten their manhood so profoundly.. how can we maintain the level of trust to be leaders? It is a sad sad day for me.

Where have all the good Men gone?

Page 420 ~ Nothingness

The end of the trail.. those last few days where.. you get teasing whisps of fresh air... warm.. inviting. It is my most troubled of times where I have to be patient and that is not one of my strong points. There are times when I want to pull my wagons out of line and nudge the bosk into a faster pace... just to get to the green grass.. tepid air and calm. I had more or less dozed off in the saddle as the Red walked a steady pace beside the line of wagons when I got that first sniff of the air. My head shot up.. I inhailed again and my voice suddenly lifted asking Do you smell that??!! We are almost there !!! I looked around.. I looked to my side.. back.. front... and then I sighed. There was no one to share my joy with. Ahhh well.. it was nice to feel.. if just for a moment. Now more embarassed at my sudden outburst.. I rode to check the rigging and rope that connected my wagons one to the other. I would need new rope after this.. not so bad.. something to do and keep me busy once we settled.

The days went by too slow.. finally pulling into our grounds for the Winter solice. My wagons were directed near Teng.. Jai and Kaeli's but I moved them away. Those youngin's didnt need their old Auntie hanging about.. especially with them newly mated. But the spot I found was suitable for me and my little gaggle of redheaded Tuchuks. Aunt set Her wagon up in an instant and started cleaning while I moved about and helped the Elders set up. Fire pits and kettles came forth.. cooking started.. blackwine brewed... life sprung back into the Tuchuk. Many seemed uneasy though.. looking over their shoulders.. and even with the talk that hung about.. there was still a quiet that hovered among us. With the day rushing past us and night settling in.. many simply ajourned to their own fires to rest and recount the trail. I had forgotten most of it.. save the reminder of it by the pain in my head and knee. Neither one touched the pain in my heart... but just what was wrong? What was missing? I shrugged.. nothing I suppose. It is as it always has been... I am alone yet surrounded by people. It is familar... comforting in a way.. something I can relate to. This is good... isnt it? So.. I retired for the first night on our new grounds. Climbing the wagon steps and tossing back the flap.. the backlight from the fires casting my shadow within the space. I smiled slightly but why.. I dont know.

I was greeted with... Nothingness.

Page 419 ~ Knowing the Now

My day of solitude in the wagon was hardly a punishment if Jax tended it to be so. I more or less choose to think He was protecting me from whoever or whatever might be outside. After I had cleaned up the blood and changed clothing.. I went to work on some oil's that had been sent to the wagon's for medicines and such. I had two Warrior's in the Nightmare under my constant observation.. One.. a Young Man with severe frostbite to His hands... the other, an older Man... dehydration and confusion. It was easy to get lost in the snow.. blinded by the sheer white blanket that lays under you and also falls from the Sky. I was working constantly to save the Young Man's fingers.. He wanted to be an Iron Master... He would need them. The older Warrior just needed rest and caring. I was tending to the Young Warrior when I heard my name called from outside. It was Nette and She was beckoned in with a responce. When She entered.. I so wanted to smile and felt the muscles in my face try to do so.. but it just wouldnt happen. She asked if Ramza could come in as well. I told Her to let Him stay outside.. maybe something would freeze and fall off Him. I was thinking His head.. the one above His shoulder's.. but.. Nette voiced a different appendage that She did want to break off. So.. He stood in the doorway while Nette made Herself at home. Now.. there is something about Ramza that bothers me. Always has. I know I spoke for Him when He arrived.. and I asked Jerus to sponser Him and He did so... and also.. it's not like I expect a thank you or eternal gratutity for such.. but.. still Ramza rubs me the wrong way. He is less than sociable. Never around the fire's unless a slave is there and if He is there.. He is much like a ghost. He does not speak to other's.. simply caresses the slaves that He calls to Him and winds up leaving with them.. carried off to His wagon for time alone. He is... in my book.. an anti-social fursleen. Unless the flesh around Him can be bent to His will and whim and manipulated by His hands. He always seems to be in a rush to leave.. even with Nette. Like He can only be with Her or a slave in private. This was again confirmed when He stayed only a few Ehn and then suddenly had to leave. It surprised me that Nette stayed... and yes.. the first red flag went up that something was wrong with my Sister. We sat and talked.. and I could tell by what I said.. I was striking chords within Nette. She didnt have to tell me what was wrong.. I figured it out myself. Yet our talk was over before it really began or I could help... She had to leave. Im sure to go to Ramza who was whining and/or insisting She return to their wagon. I sighed when She disappeared outside.. and I was mad. Mad that She allowed Herself to be put into this situation... one we both had so desperately tried to escape. I could do nothing but be there for Her and I would continue to do so.

I returned to work... my knee still throbbing and wrapped to protect it from the cold. About an Ahn later.. Jax appeared next to my table. He gently threw a fur over my shoulders and bundled me up.. helping me to my feet where He pulled me against His side to aid me in walking outside. I was taken to the side of my wagon where He pointed out something on the canvas. I had to squint to look closer.. and there I saw handprints. Bloody handprints. He had me look down.. showing me one set of footprints that led from the darkness to the back of my wagon. How the tiny feet were staggered.. shuffling and where they finally stopped facing my wagon. He explained that He and His men had tracked the lone prints from the outer rings of wagons... then to my wagon.. where once they left the side of it.. they moved forward to the steps.. then further on where they met up finally with another set. Mine. Jax walked me back into the wagon and sat me down on the furs near the main fire bowl of the Nightmare. I could see the pain in His eyes and hear it in His voice as He appologized for thinking I could have killed the slave. It was evident now that whatever had attacked her.. was out in the darkness. she had managed to get to my wagon.. leaning against it with bloodied hands before spotting me walking back from the Central wagon that night. As He began to piece this together... I suddenly remembered the girl.. bumping into me.. grabbing at my chest for support.. my hair tangled in her fingers as She slid down and collapsed. I had crouched down to aid her.. I had tried to save her.. to stop the spurts of blood that drained from her wounds. With her last breath she flopped face down in the snow. Jax continued to work His way around saying He was sorry. I simply shrugged it off. Just doing your job.. I told Him. He stood and had some broth.. some hot blackwine brought in for me.. and asked if I wanted company. I told Him no.. that I had to tend to my patients. He turned in silence. I was glad. I didnt need Him doting over me. I didnt blame Him.. I didnt blame myself. When He paused at the door.. he whispered.. "Your babies need you" I sighed and nodded. "Bring them to me" I said and He exited out into the cold. Moments later He returned with two crying.. squirming bundles and handed them down to me. Both the boys fussed as I settled them and pushed the small cowls back to expose their adorable faces and red hair. There was no denying they were mine. Each child fed held close to my body while I leaned against a crate near the firebowl. I knew deep down they were mine... yet I still felt like something was missing. It was something I felt I would not get an answer to. But there was one thing I did know...

this feeling was familar.

Page 418 ~ Dual Blackness

I limped outside to Jax's words. Standing on the platform of my Nightmare.. my hands coated in dried blood.. my clothing stained.. and a trail of crimson drips led from the body crumpled in the snow up to my wagon door and now where I stood. "What did you do !!" Jax screamed at me.. He was angry.. enraged beyond how Ive ever seen Him before. I stood there.. my mouth agape.. looking at my hands then the body. I could not remember... did not remember anything past when I left the Central wagon last night. Yet.. before me lay the body of a slave girl.. face down...frozen in a blanket of red snow. "Silken ! Answer me!" Jax screamed and ran up the steps at me. I cringed.. I actually cowered. "I...I.. dont remember... " I whispered. Jax grabbed my wrists and shoved my hands to my face... ordering me to look. I turned my head away. By the Skies... I could not remember. Did I kill the girl? If so why? Who was she.. what had she done... I closed my eyes to the mass confusion. I heard Jax say to Enu and Raz to remove the body.. to burn it.. to then clear the blood from the ground before the scent would draw any predators. I suddenly remembered then... Larl's being spoken of... and I screamed to Enu.. "Take the body to Jai !!! Let Him examine it ! " I could only hope that He listened.. because Jax had spun me around and dragged me by the wrist and braid back into my wagon. I was still pleading to Enu and Raz as the flaps were closed. He sat me down on a crate.. pacing.. growling... He was too angry to form a sentance. But finally He spoke low... "How could you..." He said. I looked to Him... and whispered... "What makes you believe that I did that?!" He stopped walking.. then turned sharply and came to me.. grabbing one of my hands and thrusting one of His fingers into the reddened palm. "Dont tell me you dont know blood Silken !" He growled... and I looked at my hands again. "And if that isnt enough...." He said as He reached into His pocket and produced several long strands of my hair.. holding it up before my eyes... "We found this... in her hand..." He said.. and then grabbed the edges of my tunic and yanked them outward to the side. The sick sound of fabric tearing and the chill of air to my upper chest made me shiver. Another thrust of His finger into my collarbone.. "Look ! Look at the scratches... " He said as my eyes lowered to my chest. They were undeniably fingernail marks. He wanted to strike me.. but simply stood up and walked to the door. "Do not leave this wagon Woman." Was all He said.. and I was left alone.. confused and hurting.

I didnt do this....

Did I???

Page 417 ~ I cry for me

Jax says to give it time... that I will remember everything. He is usually right. There are a few things foreign to me right now... mainly people. He also tells me that I was hurt when the ground opened up... even Jai told me this so... I guess it must be true.. but I dont remember any of it. I remember stopping to help the old couple with their wagon full of furs.. but.. that's all. When next I think back.. Im in my wagon.. my head is cut.. bruised.. and my knee hurts like a bosk danced on it for a day. People talk to me like I should know them.. I try to remember that I just might... but only get angry that I cant. I went to see Aunt.. She always helped me make sense of things.. yet this time She only upset me more by telling me things in a way I did not want to hear. She says Im mated to Shi again.. and that we have two baby boys. I seem to remember the babies.. but cant connect to them fully. My body tells me they are mine.. but my head doesnt want to accept it. Aunt says that I am blocking out the things that are painful and that I need to go see Tarra. I dont want to see Tarra.. Im fine !

Jai stopped by.. checking to see if I ate. I didnt.. I dont want to. he took Wily.. Talia.. Starr.. Mia and Sonny to eat at the Main wagon. I got mad when He told me I had only a choice of what I would have to drink with my dinner.. and I started to throw things around. I know He left when an urgent call came in from the Outriders.. and I know I sat on the wagon floor for a few Ahn.. yet again I dont remember what... if anything I thought about. Next thing I knew I was dragging myself to the Central wagon to find my kids. Cana told me they werent there. Some strange Woman addressed me like She knew me.. telling me to sit and relax. She even tried to give me blackwine. I gave the bowl to Cana and walked out to search for the kids. Shuffling through the snow.. I called for them in the darkness and ever loving damnable cold. Finally Wily poked His head out of one of Jai's wagon's and grabbed the steps while telling Him to gather His siblings .. we were going home. Shortly after a parade of redheaded lil Tuchuks were trudging through the snow and back to Aunt's wagon. I was met by Jai and Kaeli.. again He angered me by insisting I eat. Kaeli tried the more calm approach.. asking that She let Her look at my head and my leg. I tried to remain cordial.. telling Her I did not need anything.. I was fine. I was fine.. I mean I am. They wanted me to go back into the Central wagon.. but I didnt want to go there. There were people there I didnt know. A Woman with shackles on Her wrists.. a quiet Man.. addressed as the scarrer. Even the Man that Cana addressed as "My Love".. I felt I should know Him.. but just couldnt connect anything else to Him. I just wanted to return to my wagon where I knew everything. I was safe there... and it didnt hurt to look at things. I ventured into the darkness and the cold.. my knee was throbbing.. dragging my leg behind me with each step.. when I felt something bump into me. I got angry... and when next I remember.. I was back in my wagon. I had blood on my hands... and all over my jacket. There was a commotion outside and Jax climbed the steps of the Nightmare... His face was stolic.. He simply said..

"Come out here quickly.. there is a body in the snow"

Page 416 ~ Into the Abyss (Part Four)

:::::The wagon still rolled when next She woke. Curled in the comfort and security of arms wrapped tightly around Her... She gave a sigh of contentment while nuzzling Her nose against His chest. In response.. a palm when to the back of Her head and the tips of fingers grazed through Her hair while nails scratched lightly at Her scalp. Ahhhhh yes.... contentment. Lips curled to a slow smile and Her head began to lean back from His chest.. in no rush to open Her eyes as She enjoyed this moment. Her tongue slid part Her lips.. moving in a slow tease from corner to corner and She inhailed a breath that was released with a soft moan. When His lips pressed to Her's She felt Her body roll to life against Him. But She was then met with hands on Her shoulders and He pulled away. This made Her open Her eyes.. and even wider when She saw it was not Shi that held Her. It was... Jax. The way She threw Her body away from Him made Her cry out in pain and He still moved to gather Her up.. wrap Her back in the furs and get Her comfortable. So many thoughts went past. And finally She asked Him. "He didnt come? It was you? All along?" Jax only nodded.. and stayed silent for several moments before He whispered to Her... "I was afraid you would give up." Silken was heartbroken. Shi had promised to be there.. promised to always be there for Her. And now the reality had set in.. no matter how bad She tried to hold on and tried to remain confident that everything would work out. Faced with the facts that He wasnt coming back... and if He did.. would She accept the excuses or lies.. or both.. and continue to rot away in this life? She was more than a trophy and She was more than someone that should be taken for granted. This.. was simply.. unfair and inhuman. She bid Jax to leave Her and He did. Now faced with all She had to deal with... there were two choices.

Kill... or die Herself ::::::::::::::

Page 415 ~ Into the Abyss (Part Three)

::::::She was lost in a world of dreams. It was Her body's way of preserving it's life... keeping Her unconscious. But even in such a state.. Silks was not one to give up or give in. People from Her past would visit and take part in conversation.. even then She didnt give a passive moment. There were those She fought with.. those She cried with and those that just laughed at memories. She became aware of the sleep state when She next saw Shi. And She looked at Him with a tilt of Her head and a lift of one firey brow. "Are you dead?" She asked Him. "Nope" He said. Typical Shi. So He sat.. and they talked. She was able to tell Him things that She never could when awake.. because He just did not care about such things in the awakened world. She was just an object to Him. Just His Mate. Again.. She felt like a trophy to be displayed... and perhaps dusted off when He wanted to take it out and show it off. "You do not care about me " She said to Him... "Maybe at one time you did.. but no longer. I know what's going on and I am not going to take it. Either you will be here for me... or you wont. It's that simple. So? Your answer?" And Shi just sat there with that smug smile. "Your answer !" She screamed. Just as His mouth opened.. She began to drift away. It was if She was being pulled back by some unseen force. Fingertips grew cold.. painfully cold.. things started to hurt. Her legs ached.. Her back throbbed and Her face tingled with pinpricks of pain. Silks opened Her eyes and felt the drops of ice to the back of Her neck. They melted quickly and ran down the front. "Shi?" She whispered.. and was surprised when She was answered with a "Shhhhhh.. it's alright. Im here." There was the sound of other Men... the crunch of ice... breaking.. shifting. Someone was touching Her.. someone was there ! She felt something under Her stomach.. wrapping around Her.. then a sharp stab of pain in both legs that made Her scream in agony. The crate had been moved and blood rushed back into Her limbs. "No ! No! Ohhh please stop !" She cried and a tender touch to Her cheek eased Her fear. Suddenly.. the wagon gave a disgusting crack... and it fell beneath Her. She screamed again for a moment as She began to fall with it. Then there was a snap and She stopped... swinging in the air. She could look up now and see that She was tethered to a rope... a Man had Her and they were being slowly pulled up. It seemed to take Ahn's.. until the Man got to the edge and was hoisted up. She followed easily to the tugging and finally was grabbed and pulled up over the edge. Her legs were limp and numb.. of no use to Her. Her hands stiff from the freeze. The Man that rescued Her knelt down beside Her.. She could hardly keep Her eyes open... but whispered a soft thank you. He bent over Her and finally removed His wind scarf and there before Her... was Shi. "Am... I still.. dreaming?" She whispered and He gently kissed Her lips.. murmering against them... "No love." Skies.. how She wanted to wrap Her arms around Him but couldnt.. and the joy She felt in Her heart overwhelmed Her so much that She passed out once more. She was lifted in His arms and carried to a wagon where Shi climbed in with Her and tended Her near the small fire bowl as they moved to catch up to the other's. He carefully and slowly rubbed Her fingers and hands with His.. letting the blood return to them over time. He did not warm Her too quickly for this would send Her body into shock and Her heart would stop. Instead.. He used His own body heat to bring Her temperature back gradually. It was Ahn's later that the pain would wake Her... making Her cry out and wince.. grabbing Her one knee. But He held Her gently yet firmly. And when the pain subsided enough that She could once more breath.. She sighed and lay against His chest. "Beautiful Tuchuk" He whispered against Her ear and She smiled ever so lightly. If He only knew how much She needed Him.. and damnit.. if He only cared :::::::

Page 414 ~ Into the Abyss (Part Two)

::::If it werent for the furs that had tumbled around Her and kept Her warm.. She would have froze to death within the first Ahn. It was actually peacefull.. lying within the protective embrace of warmth. However long She was out.. there was no way to tell.. but slowly sounds and words began to filter into the clutch of darkness that emcompassed Her being. They were far away.. like someone shouting from a great distance.. but became louder and louder and She then realized that it was Jax... and He was coming closer. He was in all actuality only just above Her. And He was now threatening Her with a beating if She didnt answer. He had tried everything to rouse Her and now that She slowly drew to consciouness.. a small groan escaped Her lips and there was movement in frozen fingers. Jax coaxed Her now.. easy... comforting and She could finally manage to whisper. Talking to Herself.. where am I? What happened? When She heard Jax call Her name again... Her voice grew louder and She gave Him a response. Im here... Im alive... sorta. She tried to move again and the dull throbb of pain shot up the back of Her legs into Her spine. She hissed a growl. This was good.. there was feeling.. and from what She could tell.. nothing was broken. The more She tried to move though.. the wagon would tilt and groan... small pellets of icy crystal's began to patter the top canvas of the wagon. Jax yelled to Her not to move... the wagon was not stable and could slid further down at any time. Down?? She thought. What does He mean.. down? With a shift of Her eyes alone.. She then looked up to see somehow... that She had fallen into this crack in the Earth. Now how the hell did this come about?? The plains are flat.. vast and stretching far and wide? Had the group taken a wrong turn somewhere? Lost in the snow and ventured far from the normal travelling route? Aparently so.. for She knew of nothing within these grounds that could cause this. In all the passings She had made this didnt seem logical.. nor could She even pinpoint this area that could cause this. Someone was gonna get a talking to.. if.. She ever made it out alive. Jax told Her that there were other's in trouble.. to hang on. He would get to Her. There was not much She could do other than lay there and fight the cold and weakness that already had crept into Her body. The pain was getting worse in Her legs and not being able to move to aliviate it only angered Her. She drank from the ice crystals.. sucking them as they melted... trying to survive. Her head started to spin again.. dried blood trailed down a cheek from a cut on Her forehead. Once again.. She drifted back into a world of darkness... just as the light of day itself began to fade. One word called from Her lips.. loud enough that even Jax heard it before She faded away::::: "Shi"

Page 413 ~ Into the Abyss (Part One)

:::::::: The night was long as the day was short. It seemed an endless motion of riding.. trudging through the snow.. wagons getting stuck.. bosk lying down to die.. people fighting for their lives. The ice.. how sick it made Her. Hearing it. Seeing it. Watching it build on everything that crossed it's path. It's weight was at times unbearable. And because of this.. as Her wagon's rolled forward.. Silken noticed they came upon another wagon pulled out of line and off to the side. She had Wily stop... and Silks unstrapped the babies from Her chest and handed one to Aunt and one to Shanay. Wily was told to keep moving.. for fear the wheels would lodge into the ice and become bogged. She unhitched one of the medical wagons that was in tow with the Nightmare and pulled the team out of line. Heading to the stuck wagon.. She looked inside and found an old couple huddled together. Their son had rode ahead to gather up another team of bosk. Hearing this.. Silken leaned around the side and took a closer look seeing that the team that pulled this particular wagon had all but died. So looking back to the old couple.. they were motioned forward and gathered up with furs around their shoulders and head and ushered to the last of Her wagons with Aunt. Silks told them not to worry.. She would unhitch the team and then hitch Her wagon to their's and pull it out. The old man was hesitant.. but His mate finally poked Him in the ribs and then pushed Him to Silken's wagon. The wagon was filled with furs and crates. Jax had rode up.. and they began to dig out the wagon and take care of the dead bosk. The team had been unhitched and Silks stood up to stretch.. rewrap Her wind scarf and tighten Her gloves when She suddenly heard a sound that made Her breath stall. She felt the vibrations in Her boots and saw the crack in the earth that ripped across the snow covered land. Jax yelled.. She saw Him.. saw His face.. but heard nothing. Nothing but the sickening cracking and grinding of ice. Something in Her vision caught Her eye and She turned to see little Mia running towards Her. It was all in slow motion. She put up Her hands.. screamed for Her to stop. Then She saw Jax diving for Her and suddenly they were being lifted up. Silken craned Her neck up and thought the earth had heaved. But it was not them that lifted up.. but instead.. it was Her that was being sucked down. The ground had given way... and Jax suddenly appeared again.. laying on His stomach and reaching down for Her. Silks was frozen in Her spot.. afraid to move.. let alone jump from the small island as it might totally give way. She clutched the teetering wagon and heard the cracking again. A voice inside Her head told Her to move and She flung Herself into the old couples wagon and burrowed into a cocoon of furs. The crackling and crunching grew to a deafening sound and then the wagon turned over. The sensation of falling.. spinning.. and it was errily quiet. The next sound She heard was the ground rushing to meet the wagon. Somehow.. the wagon crashed down rightside up.. She was thrown up to the top of canvas and then tossed down.. landing half out the back flap. The whole mess had come to rest on a ledge about the lenght of three Men down. Furs covered Her and She tried to move.. when there was a sudden stab of pain to Her legs that made Her cry out sharply. A heavy crate had broke free.. lodged into the wagon floor across Her legs and now pinned Her on Her stomach in the wagon. Not far away.. upwards from where She was.. She could hear Jax calling...tell Her to stay calm.. He would get help. But She could not answer.. She tried to call out to Him... but the cold.. the weakness had taken it's hold and soon the darkness took Her and She closed Her eyes.:::::::::

Page 412 ~ Impossible odds

I was tired. Beyond tired. The nights have been cold.. hard.. lonely. I keep the babies close to me at all times now. Secured against my chest.. one on each side with fur craddle of sorts. It puts a strain on my shoulders and back but I cannot let that bother me.. I cannot leave the children alone.. not in this weather... not for awhile. Shanay has Mia and Sonny.. She keeps them moving and keeps them warm. At night She does much as I do with the babies and sleeps with them tucked close to Her and the small firepit in the wagon. The girl's.. Talia and Starr huddle close together for warmth and Ive now insisted that we all sleep in one wagon to help with the warmth of our cold and exhausted bodies. When I need to leave either of the babies to tend other's.. I take one to Aunt and one to Jax. Ive noticed both of them struggling with the air... fussy.. uncomfortable. Frankly.. I cant sleep.. I keep rubbing little limbs and breathing under blankets of furs till I almost pass out myself. But if it keeps them warm.. again.. I do not care. Aunt.. Shanay... Jax and I make a human ring around all the kids when sleep settles. The wind blowing the covering isnt an annoyance as one would think.. but more of a rhymic tapping that thankfully lulls the kids to sleep. Aunt sleeps.. this pleases me. She is a strong old vulo... clutching my girl's close to Her. They are all the warmth She needs.. She reminds me of this every morning. Mia and Sonny are a mass of twisted limbs with each other and that ball of lil Tuchuk's is held tightly by Nay. Jax holds the Wily Man and me with the babies... all around the glow of this small fire. Somehow.. I find peace in this wagon. Watching each child.. each person.. surviving by the will of another. We all feed off each other.. take the heat of our bodies and preserve ourselves to face another day. I am however afraid to close my eyes... in fear one of the children might roll away from their keeper and become uncovered. Though the idea of this is severe and the images so vivid in my mind.. I try to not think them... they still seep into my thoughts and make me shiver. The babies cry alot now. I fear I dont have enough milk to satisfy their hunger. Ive taken to suplimenting this with some watered down bosk milk and a small amount of mushed grains. Something to help fill their bellies. I promised Jai that I would make sure the children ate.. and Ive kept my promise. But this does not apply to me. When I look at a piece of jerky or tabuk meat.. I feel that I am taking away from the kids. Ive been cursing under my breath.. cursing Jerus and damning Shi.. for leaving me this way. It's just the cold... playing with my mind and further exhausting me.

I dont know how much more we can all take. Soon we will begin to lose bosk and people. This move is one of the worst ever in my memory. The rain.. windstorms... compare little to the freezing cold and abundant snow and ice. It is deadly as it is beautiful.

Somewhere in all this.. I must find time to rest.. I must sleep. What good will I be in such a state even one more day in all this. I cannot answer. But I also know I cannot allow anything to happen to anyone. The guilt alone would destroy me.

No.. I have to stay awake.. I have to protect my children.. the future.

Somehow...

Page 411 ~ Cold to the bone

~~~~ The healers and all their respectful wagons had been checked and consulted. The medical supplies were low.. but enough to still get them to the North grounds. Silks, Kaeli and Falon worked constantly to tend those injured in the scuffle with Turia and now dealt with many cases of wind and cold exposure. They would tell as many as they could to pass the word along to each person Free and slave... to keep their boots dry and warm. Stuff them with whatever they could to insulate them.. and when any clothing became wet.. change immediately even if it meant borrowing. The fingers needed to be kept covered and also dry. Children and the Older Tuchuk's needed to be watched and checked on because they don't feel frostbite usually till it's too late. When resting at night they were all told to rub a little bosk fat on the cheeks and nose to help protect the exposed flesh.
Any one with herbs that could be used for medicine's and such were also asked to bring them to the Nightmare for disbursement so the healer's could work on building up more supplies. Paga of course was still available from the barrel's that had been made prior to the move... and given out in small cups to help with warming the body when riding in the open.
It would be a long week for the Tuchuk's.. but the Healer's made sure they did everything they could for each and every person along the trail.

She knew that Tarra had alot of goodies stored up as well... and would make a trip to go see Her for some supplies that could be used as well. ~~~~~

So it grows colder.. much colder. I have to keep watch on my kids and Aunt. I am thankful that Jai and Teng have been hunting successfully and sparing some meats for us. What they brought I divided up and sent some to the back wagons. It was our way.. and my way to watch out for other's too. There is little time to write what.. with being so busy. I know Falon and Kaeli are doing fine.. we see each other now and then in passing as we gather what is needed for the frostbite and cold related problems. In between making supplies and healing we all pause to uncover grass for the bosk... what a site to see that peeking from the blanket of white. As bad as it is.. it is still awe inspiring. We will get through this... we are a hearty bunch.. and we are determined. The air seems to be changing.. and not for the better. What it will bring this next passing of days I am not sure.. but it seems... ominious. There is unease and nervousness abound.

It's still good to be Tuchuk

Page 410 ~ Seeing Red... everywhere

So... I stepped out of my wagon after an Ahn of rest and tethered to the side post was this huge.. red.. kaiila. At first I thought it a dream.. maybe I was still tired.. or still asleep. But the beast just lifted it's head and puffed air through that long muzzle.. tossed it's head up a few times.. then dove back into the feed bag. Well.. uhmm ok. I moved closer.. slowly... and Jax stood nearby with blackwine and a smirk. He told me... it was from Teng. "Teng?... Teng?! Jai's son?" I said.. and Jax made a goofy face.. nodded and said.. "How many Teng's do you know... yes dumbass.. Your Nephew." Well boskbells. Now that this beauty of a gift was mine.. I found it more interesting. I had to touch it .. carefully! For the Red did not know me all too well yet. He was beautiful. I had to laugh at the color.. I suppose boasting that blood was my favorite color didnt have anything to do with it. A smirk... and Skies.. a small laugh.. though I quickly covered that up. After greeting the kaiila I ran into my wagon and got a small box.. asking Jax to deliver it to Teng's wagon. More of those cinnamon candies I had stockpiled for the trail. As much as I wanted to jump on that new kaiila and ride the open plains.. there was much work to still be done. Post treatments and new injuries.. re-stictings.. errr Tuchuk Men rarely listened to healers and sat still long enough for sutures to take. Checking on those that recovered... reapplying bandages.. everything in the gamant of the lot. I saw Kaeli and Falon in passing a few times. We were able to nod and roll our eyes to each other with a grin. I knew exactly what they conveyed. All the Men were healing... and whining in Man style as most do. I checked on my group of Men at the fire before heading inside the Nightmare. I grabbed tanya and gave her parchment. We would need an inventory of supplies.. mine we low and I could only assume that what Kaeli and Falon had were about the same. With instructions of what to do.. I set tanya to the task of counting my wagon.. then heading off to find Kaeli and Falon and taking stock of theres as well. Alot of what we needed was in a few wagon's scattered among the line of wagon's.. but most would be gathered once we reached the North. I would need to make a bartering trip once settled to replentish. But for now.. we had everything we needed.. barring another skirmish with Turia. Hell.. and if we didnt have it.. we made it. Simple as that.

It was back to work. No rest for the wicked. ever. And as Tarra told me.. Only the good die young.

Pshhh... I'll be here forever.

Take the light, undarken everything around me. Call the clowns and listen closely, i'm lost without you. Call your name.... every day.... when i feel so helpless. I'm fallin' down but i'll rise above this, rise above this. Hate the mind, regrets are better left unspoken. For all we know, this void will grow and Everything's in vain, distressing you though it leaves me open. Feels so right, but i'll end this all before it gets me. Call your name every day, when i feel so helpless... I'm fallin' down, but i'll rise above this, rise above this. Call your name every day, when i seem so helpless. I'm fallin' down, but i'll rise above this, rise above this doubt.

I'll mend myself before it gets me

Pahe 409 ~ Victorious

The sounds of the Plains were amazing. Ive never remembered such a rush through my veins as we listened to the Men... OUR Men crush Turia under our steel. At first.. it was just the low drone of Men and beast but later it turned to the clink and scrape of steel.. cries of Men.. Skies.. what a rush. I only wish I could have been there.. yeah.. Im still a Warrior at heart.. but I was there.. yes.. I was. Heh. The battle was fought well into the night before the thundering paws of beast's and Men returned to the Harigga. Healer's had gathered and began to take the first arriving from their mounts to be tended. The more serious were taken to the healing wagon's. Myself.. Falon.. Kaeli.. Shanay and all other healer's knew where to be and what to do. Of course other's with even the basic knowledge of care were also about to tend the more lighter of injuries. They were a well oiled group.. and I had no personal problems with knowing each had a mind on their tasks for the night. We all knew it would be an endless line of bodies to tend that would take us into the morning and probably the next day.. if not the next few days. Blackwine brewed constantly.. slaves ran between wagons.. gathering herbs.. lotions.. salves.. bandages.. sutures and any supplies called for. Every now and then when we would pass another healer.. a nod of our heads and a smile for we knew our Men were proud and fought valiently... it made us stand taller to assit these Warrior's whom shed blood for the People. The cries of ... "It is good to be Tuchuk.." carried far and wide.. every Warrior.. even in their pain expressed such and it made me smile each time I heard it.

I made sure to check on Falon and Kaeli... for this sea of bodies could have been overwhelming and something we are not akin too.. but I was happily greeted with sweaty brows and smiles. They did wonderful and are a credit to the Clan.

I take a moment now to look to the Sky.. and say my thanks for everything.. Our Men returned.. Turia shakes in defeat and the Tuchuk continue to walk the plains.. OUR plains with swords high.. the bosk even bellow with victory.

It is good to be Tuchuk.

(Awesome job everyone !! That was a battle for the record books !!)

Page 408 ~ Bound as one

There is little time to write.. the Tuchuk are on the move. North we head.. to warmer air and and blankets of grass to feed the bosk. My mood has remained constant but Ive managed to step aside a few times and enjoy myself and other's as we stop for the night. Jai and Teng have sorta taken me under their wings.. helping with things I need done and suppling food for me and my pack of redheads. I expressed my gratefulness to Jai and it was good to hear that I was family. We are all family yes.. bound together with a common bond of love and support.. but there is something deeper to know your related to someone more than just by Tribe. I didnt feel alone in this vastness of people.. anymore. I have Jai.. and I have His son Teng.... Whom I see as a Nephew. Then there is Kaeli.. a new young healer and the object of Jai's eye. They are a good pair and I would be happy to see them join. I have offered the Pink Nightmare and supplies to Her as She begins Her journey among the Tuchuk as a healer. I would hope She would come to me with any questions or needs in our clan. When I heard She made Tribe... I sent a basket of goodies over as a gift of welcoming. I was surprised in return that the Woman sent me gifts back. It was not necessary but it was so nice to be thought of. I now have a beautiful mortar and pestule of blue and gold hues.. and a lovely hand made healing satchel. I dont know if I could ever use them.. they are so pretty... but I keep them in the Nightmare.. to remind me that yes.. there are those that care about me.

Tarra and I had one of our little mouthy jests... no.. we did not fight... but we had one hell of a time teasing and laughing about each other. It was an amazing night. I felt more love in that moment than I have in many turnings since we started the move. We wrestled alittle.. poked fun at each other.. all a precourse for our usual scuffle that always seems to happen during the move North. Must be the chill of the air. Im actually looking forward to that broken nose... its just that good. I missed Her. I missed talking to Her.. and I will find the time one of these nights to go visit. Maybe we can talk alone... I do still need Her guidence.

On another note.. Ina had somehow rode up to the caravan the other day. It was a mix of emotions and some not too nice. Tarra came along and reminded Ina that the boy She took from the plains was not Her's and was to be returned. This caused many a harsh word and threats.. but in the end.. what was right would be carried out.

Ba'atar's brother took to tracking Ina down when She tried to leave. That Man is odd. For some reason He does not return my greeting when I extend one.. and He has been less than civil... but.. He is a Man. Its no sweat off my brow. My first impressions are usually the best. And this one has been made.

Nette and I took off to ride the line of wagons also. Just to clear our minds. We talked for awhile... about things that mattered and things that didnt. It was just two Women still trying to find their place... as it always will be I suppose. I wound up returning early into the morning and salting Kaeli's wagon with some of that famous Itching powder... figured it was time She be christened.

Beta.. that damn kaiila is still spinning circles. Impossible to ride. Ive decided He will be glue. Im now using some of Jax's and Dakota's beasts... though my son has trained His well and Ive warded off a few bites that left a colorful mark.

There are many thoughts bouncing around this head of mine... and these are just a few memories of the trail. More will come as I remember them.. and as I find time to put them down.

The wagon's ready to move again.. there are many chores to complete. Healing and tending the familys... readying foods when we stop.. keeping our Men warm and fed... keeping everyone's spirits up. The list is endless.. but we do it without batting an eye. It is life.. it is the way of the Plains...

and its so damn good to be Tuchuk.

Page 407 ~ Trapped in a corner

Jax made sure I got up.. He made sure I fed the twins.. made sure I ate. He talked for Ahn's trying His best to avert my mind off the obvious. Shi was missing. It had been a full turning since I last saw Him. There had been no word at all... I could do nothing as He spoke but stare at the corner. Jax finally sighed and told me that this meant nothing.. the move was upon us and Shi was busy.. perhaps scouting. I could only nod... no it wasnt the fact that it seemed my curse had struck again and I would be left alone that had me down. I had resigned myself to living alone again.. without a Mate. What had me upset was... I was stupid enough to let myself get into this situation again. Jax headed outside for a moment of air but returned quickly with a basket filled with goodies. I still had no urge to move let alone look... so Jax rooted through the contents.. smiling and showing me the items. I knew immediately they were from Nette. Inside were tea's and lotions... a pair of fuzzy slippers... some clothes and salves for the twins.. and the most wonderful of all... chocolates! Had I been myself I would have jumped in glee... but I couldnt even manage half a smile. Jax unwrapped ne piece.. held it to my lips... but I could not take it. Again He sighed and noted that inside the wrapped were written phrases. He showed it to me... and I read silently the saying... "The heart has a reason, which, reason does not know" I sighed. Jax shook His head and placed a hand to my shoulder... "Silks? Isnt there anything I can do for you?" Jax said... and I spoke the first words in days.. though quiet... "Yes.. leave me please" I said. Jax looked disheartened but slid the basket towards me and turned to leave.. "I will be right outside... as always Silken " He said... I could see the concern in His eyes... I felt the longing in His heart... I too wished it all to end.. I just couldnt find myself to do so. I did finally eat a chocolate... or three. I saved the wrappers with all the sayings to be pressed into this journal. "Add a little sweetness to your day" Was another saying.. I thought it was cute. The next one said... "Go easy on yourself".. maybe I should. But where did Nette get these chocolates.. they seemed to be predicting my moods.. my thoughts. I wondered if She stole these from the Spex.. and it made me chuckle ever so slightly. So ... I wanted just one more chocolate... before I would undo my braid and try to get some rest. I announced to noone.. just for my own amusement.. as I unwrapped the last chocolate.. " Ok chocolate.. predict my next move !!" As I undressed.. I stood there.. looking at the wrapper.. the words nearly slapped me in the face... my breath ceased.. my heart suddenly skipped a beat. Trembling violently... I backed up into the corner.. crouched down and cried. The wrapper slipped from my fingers and now lay before my feet... the words screaming at me....

"Promises are made to be kept"

• 
  Take time to laugh, it's the music of the soul.
  Promise yourself more moments like this.
  Friendship is the gold thread that ties hearts together.
  The best ideas come after you think you've run out of them.
  Trust is the most valuable thing you'll ever earn.
  To accomplish great things one must not only act, but dream.
  One little smile can fill the room with sunshine.
  Love is a flower, friendship is a sheltering tree.
  Friends love the person you were and the one you've become.
  Footprints on the sands of time are not made by sitting down.
  There is only one pretty child and every mother has it.
  Promises are made to be kept.
  If you live in the present, every moment is a new beginning.
  Push yourself to notice the extraordinary in the ordinary.
  Time is a river without banks.
  The heart has reason which reason does not know.
  There is no strength like gentleness, and no gentleness like strength.
  The further out of reach, the stronger the temptation.
  Add a little sweetness to your day.
  Be true to yourself.
  Make time for you.
  Enjoy life's simple pleasures.
  Eating chocolate is like giving yourself a big hug.
  Climb high, climb far, your goal the sky, you aim, the stars.
  Isn't life sweet?
  Share a smile with someone you love.
  Go easy on yourself.
  I have only one vice, and it's chocolate.
  Chocolate makes everything a little better.
  Chocolate is more than a taste, it's a feeling.
  Melt someone's heart with a Promise.
  There is a joy in giving back.
  Savor every happy moment.
  Little things can make big differences.
  Live your dreams.
  Wisdom has two parts: 1) having a lot to say, and 2) not saying it.
  You are the star for which all evenings wait.
  Celebrate the child in you.
  Have chocolate before bed to sweeten your dreams.
  Chocolate.....who needs a reason?

Page 406 ~ Backlash of promises

Everything comes full circle. If Ive lived by any mantra.. this is one. Tribe above all weighs in a close second. Why second? Because tribe above all is something controlled by us Gorean's. You can live by it or you cannot. I cannot control other's.. I cannot control myself at times. I am a Woman subject to the curse of emotions and yes sometimes.. I want to come first. My people would come before my life.. givin the chance.. givin the choice. I would put my people.. my Tribe before myself. Yes. Without a thought.. and in a heartbeat. But life coming full circle is not within my control... it is to the Sky and Spirits that it happens. It's so wrong.. how I feel. I know I must be damaged... tainted.. cursed even. Ive made promises... I cant keep.. havent kept... and I swear Im paying for that now. Eventually.. life.. catches up to you.. your promises come back with a vengence and stronger than anything you could ever face. So how do I handle this. Do I let the guilt and misery consume me? I do not know. But I know that I cannot die now.. I cannot let those broken promises of my death hang to close. Not now.. not yet. "This one" and "That one" still need me. The rest of my youngin's still need me. Until a time when they dont.. I will live with the pain of what is swirling inside me. I have doubts as to things right in front of me. The closeness of people.. relationships and love. Maybe its me that cant love anymore. I was so afraid of never feeling it again... I dont think now I ever will.. and I dont think I want to. It hurts when your stepped on and abandoned.. when your left alone with your thoughts and left to watch other's embraced in love and caring. This isnt the life I wanted.. surely I would have chosen to have it turn out differently. Watching those that claim to love and care.. simply turn their backs and walk in the other direction.... or not show up at all. No shoulder to cry on... no ear to lend... no hand to hold or pull me from the darkness. Just me.. my thoughts and a fire that dances nightly to the sound of silence.

Fonce was right. There is no hand upon the lands that could handle me.

But there is also no heart.

Page 405 ~ Isolation Nation

Sitting with "This one" and "That one" as they nursed.. I watched the going's on around our wagon's. It's funny how when your thinking of nothing that everything seems to suddenly just bowl you over like a run away wagon. Things I hadnt thought of in ages.. people.. places. I was suddenly missing.. life. I looked down at my newborn son's... how they managed to still touch each other and take comfort in the closeness of one being with the other. I loved how they looked up to me.. how they needed me and in truth.. I needed them. Little fingers that touched my skin... how they tried to put feelings to touch.. wondering what they would say if they could talk at this moment. They began to sense my mood and "That one" who wasnt feeding started to fuss. I had no choice but to manuver the boys so that each could nurse at the same time. With one on each side.. I held those tiny heads in a hand while their bodies were craddled close against my ribs.. I swear by the time these boys stop nursing I will be carrying my "girls" under my armpits. The boys slowed their ravenous appetites and small eyelids closed. Jax came over to help me get each child to their furs and I took a moment to try and replentish my body with some boskmilk and vulo broth. When I was done with my small rest.. I headed to Ramza and Nette's wagon to leave a small box of cinni-candies. Having little time to sleep.. I made up a good batch of them.. storing some for the trip North... but I couldnt forget my Nette. I wanted Her to know I was thinking of Her. I missed Her so much. With Shi gone.. or rarely around long enough to say Tal or Be well.. I realized that I have no one to talk to about things. No one to confide in with secrets... desires and such. At least no one that wouldnt laugh or not understand my mind. There were so many things that I kept inside as my secrets.. alot I have never revealed to anyone... not even Shi. Mainly because He tends to not want to allow anything of the past to arise. He seems to brush it off or perhaps even feels threatened by certain things. I dont think I ever trusted anyone enough to share my secrets with. Came close to it once... but I was lucky to see true colors before I opened myself up to bleed and wasnt aided in the healing afterwards. How quickly people change. I can laugh now at those that throw stones.. those that warned me to be carefull.. yet.. dont heed their own advice. I tend to avoid them now. Its better that way.

After leaving Nette's wagon... I had travelled back to my wagon's where word reached me of Po and Meta's death. I was not surprised to hear about Sakmeta.. everything that floated on the winds had already spoken of Her demise... at least to anyone that could plainly see who and what had come to pass. Po... shocked me.. and I wasnt sure how to feel about it. As arrogant and stubborn as that Man was.. He was fun. He was a friend. There was a time when I thought there was something between Polunu and I.. something that could have grown deeper... there were sparks.. a kindling of sorts.. but those flames were quickly extinguished and we drifted apart... each taking our own path in life. For whatever reason.. Polunu took the wrong path and now.. He was gone. It is life on the Plains.. it is life with the Tuchuk. What was done to them was for the Tribe. Which makes what I feel twice as bad. I dont think I should feel sorry for Him... or even myself. I wonder if I could have done something more to help... or was it all to far gone and out of my reach to assist. I'll never know. So again.. I am left with another secret to lock away.. filed under unsolved and unresoluted.

It is time again for the birth of a new Tribe... new leaders and younger blood. I will sit back and watch.. help when I am needed.. come when called and stand when the group see's need. But I am isolated from life.. torn from those I love and the new wedge that snuck in when I wasnt looking.

But no matter what...

It's still always a good day to be Tuchuk.

Page 404 ~ Even if only in my dreams

My dreams are something that no one can take away from me. Not one.. not anything. They are mine. I can do what I want.. when I want and with who. So on that idea... I slept tonight and had me a secret rendevous with my mystery Man. At first.. His face was who I wanted it to be.. but my mind rarely stays put in one place for very long... much like me when Im awake... so.. images of past and present Men in my life filtered into my vision. There were a few... nice to see.. a few not so nice... it left my heart hurting and my head aching. There was one that.. I am so torn upon. One that... to this day.. if He walked back from the dead.. I am not so sure I could turn Him away. My dreams are like that.. yes. Of course.. this is impossible. They are all dead and ashes. It's just that... around the time of moving.. I always get so... sentimental and this is where the emotions surface... or should I say attack. I woke wondering about decisions.. choices.. I have made... were they the right one's? Most would say I deserved everything I got... perhaps I do. I feel different. I dont think I deserve it. After all.. wasnt it Tarra that said I need to think and live for me?
So I went to the fires... not surprised that I found a few there. Surprised at some info. I found out about those returning. I did check on Polunu... He seems.. ok.. for lack of a better word. I'll keep checking on Him periodically. I also stopped by to see Nette... hoping to hear She was back... or around somewhere. No luck. I miss Her. Was hoping to talk... toss the boskshit around.. ya know. Whatever may be. Seems there is just nothing left for this old relic around here anymore. I need to go back to sleep. Force myself to drift away...
I need to go find Him......
I need to be with Him....
have Him hold me.. whisper to me... touch me.... make love to me...

.... If only in my dreams.

My eyes are open wide
And by the way,
I made it Through the day
I watched the world outside
By the way,
I'm leaving out Today
Well, I just saw hailey's Comet shooting
Said why you always runningIn place?
Even the man in the Moon disappears
Somewhere in theStratosphere

Tell my mother,
Tell my father
I've done the best I can
To make them realise
This is my life
I hope they understand
I'm not angry, I'm just saying...
Sometimes goodbye Is a second chance
Please don't cry
One tear for me
I'm not afraid of What I have to say
This is my one and Only voice
So listen close, it's Only for today
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance.

Page 403 ~ He caught my attention

I needed to get away. Between Older kids contimplating the meaning of life.. Middle kids anxious and wanting to start the move.. Younger kids wanting to start their first wagon trip in the drivers seat.. and two newborns wanting nothing but milk.. milk and more milk... I was falling apart. Shi has been doing what Men do before the move... scouting.. planning.. hunting for last minute meats.. but.. I had not seen Him in hands... and it bothered me. For my own selfish reasons.. I was mad. And I stuck myself in that place I had sworn not to go to ever again... I was feeling deserted. Abandoned. But then part of me just said.. fuck it. Does it matter if you are?? No.. actually.. it does not... not anymore. I had seen this behavior in Shi before... and not with me. So... this was my realization and my acceptance speaking. It is who and what I am now. But it still sucks and I dont have to like it.
The smile maintained on my face was getting harder and harder to keep there... so it was time for a ride. And I did... to the dark edge of the plains near the Harigga. There I could smell the bosk and mix of fire.. grass and chill of the air. Energizing. I was there for sometime.. well into the night when the moons had just crested for the final slide downward before sunrise... when... I saw a figure against the horizon. It was male.. I could tell by the girth alone of the shoulders and body. He was back lit by moonlight and He simply stood.. watching me.. staring. Atop His mount... I could see nothing but His silloutte. He made no movement.. no threatening gestures.. and no sound. Mysterious. I found myself nervous.. but not from fear. It was nice to be looked at.. I thought. And I wondered just what He was thinking about me. Some thoughts made me blush. This figure was joined soon after by another.. and then a few more. They all then stared... and my intrique turned to more paniced thoughts. I rode back to my wagon... looking over my shoulder the whole time. Beta was left tied to my wagon and I scurried into the furs... trying to slow my heartbeat. The thoughts I was left with wouldnt allow the racing to cease. Nor was I allowed the embrace of sleep... only the torment of desires that would not be sated.
I was nice to be noticed.