Sitting with "This one" and "That one" as they nursed.. I watched the going's on around our wagon's. It's funny how when your thinking of nothing that everything seems to suddenly just bowl you over like a run away wagon. Things I hadnt thought of in ages.. people.. places. I was suddenly missing.. life. I looked down at my newborn son's... how they managed to still touch each other and take comfort in the closeness of one being with the other. I loved how they looked up to me.. how they needed me and in truth.. I needed them. Little fingers that touched my skin... how they tried to put feelings to touch.. wondering what they would say if they could talk at this moment. They began to sense my mood and "That one" who wasnt feeding started to fuss. I had no choice but to manuver the boys so that each could nurse at the same time. With one on each side.. I held those tiny heads in a hand while their bodies were craddled close against my ribs.. I swear by the time these boys stop nursing I will be carrying my "girls" under my armpits. The boys slowed their ravenous appetites and small eyelids closed. Jax came over to help me get each child to their furs and I took a moment to try and replentish my body with some boskmilk and vulo broth. When I was done with my small rest.. I headed to Ramza and Nette's wagon to leave a small box of cinni-candies. Having little time to sleep.. I made up a good batch of them.. storing some for the trip North... but I couldnt forget my Nette. I wanted Her to know I was thinking of Her. I missed Her so much. With Shi gone.. or rarely around long enough to say Tal or Be well.. I realized that I have no one to talk to about things. No one to confide in with secrets... desires and such. At least no one that wouldnt laugh or not understand my mind. There were so many things that I kept inside as my secrets.. alot I have never revealed to anyone... not even Shi. Mainly because He tends to not want to allow anything of the past to arise. He seems to brush it off or perhaps even feels threatened by certain things. I dont think I ever trusted anyone enough to share my secrets with. Came close to it once... but I was lucky to see true colors before I opened myself up to bleed and wasnt aided in the healing afterwards. How quickly people change. I can laugh now at those that throw stones.. those that warned me to be carefull.. yet.. dont heed their own advice. I tend to avoid them now. Its better that way.
After leaving Nette's wagon... I had travelled back to my wagon's where word reached me of Po and Meta's death. I was not surprised to hear about Sakmeta.. everything that floated on the winds had already spoken of Her demise... at least to anyone that could plainly see who and what had come to pass. Po... shocked me.. and I wasnt sure how to feel about it. As arrogant and stubborn as that Man was.. He was fun. He was a friend. There was a time when I thought there was something between Polunu and I.. something that could have grown deeper... there were sparks.. a kindling of sorts.. but those flames were quickly extinguished and we drifted apart... each taking our own path in life. For whatever reason.. Polunu took the wrong path and now.. He was gone. It is life on the Plains.. it is life with the Tuchuk. What was done to them was for the Tribe. Which makes what I feel twice as bad. I dont think I should feel sorry for Him... or even myself. I wonder if I could have done something more to help... or was it all to far gone and out of my reach to assist. I'll never know. So again.. I am left with another secret to lock away.. filed under unsolved and unresoluted.
It is time again for the birth of a new Tribe... new leaders and younger blood. I will sit back and watch.. help when I am needed.. come when called and stand when the group see's need. But I am isolated from life.. torn from those I love and the new wedge that snuck in when I wasnt looking.
But no matter what...
It's still always a good day to be Tuchuk.
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