Ive had to start slowing down... not because anyone insisted.. but because Im just getting too tired. I saw many of the people today... more than I counted on. Everyone is getting ready for the move.. and that brings on bumps.. bruises.. strains and a few broken bones. By mid day.. I was so tired I couldnt stay standing. My feet are troublesome.. hurting alot.. my boots just dont fit right... the ache was so bad it gave me chills. One of Shi's girls came by with some warm rocks.. and given my penchant for killing and none the less.. hating slaves.. she was cautious. My belly is getting in the way of bending over now.. so she helped me wrap my feet in cloth and then wrap the stones to the bottom. The heat helped.. I could feel the heat radiating all the way up to my knees and for a good Ahn.. I fell asleep... right there.. sitting on the steps of the wagon.. leaning against a post. I was actually dreaming.. at first nice thoughts.. then the screaming started and I woke with a start. Jax eased a hand to my shoulder... the slave had since left for chores and He stayed.. watching over me. He asked if I wanted anything.. to which I replied.. I wanted Him to go away. He of course said He could not do that.. so I asked Him to just go somewhere else.. at least where I couldnt see Him. He reluctantly agreed to that. Although He did not go far.. I felt better without someone watching my every move. I had a chance to think back on Trilok... how He was so nervous to claim Noya. It was nice to have been there during it... and it was great to see Kam.. Tarra and Cana. I had lollies for Cana's boys.. and my ole Tug-a-roo came over to sweet charm His Auntie Silken. I think Noya and Trilok will make a good couple.. I know Noya and I dont get along.. if at all. Im certain She still blames me for Her brother's death.. but.. I cant control what other people think or say. I will just consider the source and continue on my own path. Doesnt mean I dont wish them well.. I do. I even sent over some candies and candles. Yes.. with all the time on my hands lately.. Ive been tinkering with making candles. Its just a pass the time thing.. something to do to keep me busy where I can sit and relax.. or... try to relax. Wily got some honey combs.. I assume from Tug.. who got them from His Momma... and I started to dry them out ... cut them into thin sheets and then found they make excellent candles. I made a few special one's for Shi.. but I havent seen Him in many days. This really makes me sad.. He is missing out on all the baby fun. I have to admit.. I miss how His palm caressed my stomach... how the baby kicks when it hears it's Papa. I do worry about the birth.. wondering if I will be alone for this again.... like I was for Dakota and Shanay. I dont think I ever felt so vunerable or scaired as I was then.. alone in a wagon.. in labor.. with no one around to help if I needed it.
With darkness coming eariler... Jax returned looking rested. He must have napped... its tiring staying up all night.. watching over me. He is a good Man though... since we dont know where or when Shi will return... He takes over without complaint. If only He made me feel complete like Shi does.. If only He could wrap His arms around me and make me feel safe... but.. there is only one Man that can do that....
And unfortunately....
He is not around.
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