Out on the street,
I'm stalking the night,
I can hear my heavy breathing .
Paid for the kill,
but it doesn't seem right,
Something there I can't believe in.
Voices are calling from inside my head ,
I can hear them ....
I can hear them.
Vanishing memories of things that were said ,
They can't try to hurt me now .
But a shot in the dark....
One step away from you .
A shot in the dark.....
Always creeping up on you .
Taught by the powers
that preach over me ,
I can hear their empty reason .
I wouldn't listen ,
I learned how to fight,
I opened up my mind to treason.
But just like the wounded
and when it's too late
They'll remember.......
They'll surrender.
Never a care for the people who hate
Underestimate me now
Ive been on these lands.. both North and South for a good many turnings. I'd like to consider myself an expert on the area's... I mean.. I pretty much know the area's inside and out. In the dark I know where the holes are... where the divits are.. rocks.. logs.. etc. I know where all the old bogged down wagon's and the remnants of such are... I know each spot where a pyre has been held for a loved one. Sometimes... it is almost painfull to walk the plains... but I do find comfort in weaving my way through the vastness of bosk at night. When they are calm... their breathing is like a melody. And if you close your eyes... it sounds like the plains themselves are breathing.
Ive been through a gammet of emotions the past few hands. Ive been left alone to deal with them in Seth's absence. He is out on the far reaches of the plains working on a task set to Him by Fonce. It's been... lonely. Very lonely. Not even Shi has been around... and I miss our talks. I will admit.. several times... I wanted to lock myself in the Nightmare and get whacked out of my mind... Iwanted to sit in the Paga wagons and drink myself into oblivion.. but I didnt. For me.. that was the hardest. I orignially thought overcoming the habits was the worst. But now I find that keeping the urges at bay.. are harder.. and prolly will be for the rest of my life. I try very very hard to remember that not only would Kam skin me alive.. but Seth will pour salt onto my filleted body as well if I touched the stuff. I wish He was my Mate already and I had something to ease the pressure of it all with. No.. not sex. But.. the pressure of someone to answer to. Right now.. I answer to Kam. And Kam has done a good job with me... but He cannot fully do the rest. I cannot talk to Him... like I do with Seth. He doesnt get into my mind like Seth does... and nor do I expect or want Him to. When Im around Seth.. everything just feels right.. and if it isnt.. He makes it better. I know when Im His.. that things will be so much easier. I have pride around Him... I have strenght. Sure.. I have these things now.. but they are so much more accentuated when Im with Him.. because I want Him to be proud of me and see that... yes.. Ive had a hard time and Ive made many mistakes.. but Im really trying hard.. Im working real damn bad to be better. I try to keep everything anyone has ever told me close to mind.. and Ive been relying on those words to get me through things and make sure I dont go off on some stupid trist. I know Ive done what I could to make things right. Someaccept it.. some dont and some never will. But Im not going to change into something Im not. Im not going to be fake. I am going to be me... but I am learning how to not be so irresponsible and less forward. I think Ive done pretty good. Fonce nor Kam have come to me with a complaint.. so that tells me in itself Im doing much better. I no longer say Im cured.. for I know I could slip up at any moment. Rather than dwell on it.. I know I can deal with it when it arises.. and if I do mess up. I can admit it and work on correcting it. I did do something stupid today... but I stopped myself before it became a problem. Now... I need to speak to Seth and face up to it. Im almost positive He will know it.. I cant hide anything from Him. He reads me.. my body.. my movements and my face like an open journal.
I wonder what He see's and... if He likes it.
Am I a good read???
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