"Half-breed,
that's all I ever heard
Half-breed,
how I learned to hate the word
Half-breed,
she's no good they warned
Both sides were against me since the day I was born
We weren't accepted and I felt ashamed
Nineteen I left them,
tell me who's to blame
My life since then has been from man to man
But I can't run away from what I am"
After an exciting afternoon bouncing between Seth and Shi.. I sat down for a bowl of water. Shi had stopped by and started in on me again.. He says He was "playing"... but His playing and my playing along always seem to get my ass in trouble. So.. I refussed to play. He got pissy. He got mad. He got accusational. I shut down. Seth showed up for a treatment on His hand. Things got worse. Do not pass go... do not collect 200 dollars. Go directly to jail. Shi said something that in Seth's eyes.. questioned His honor. And then took off.. in usual Shi style. I had to appologize. I love Shi to death.. but sometimes.. He just doesnt think. Does He even realize how He is hurting me?? Doesnt He see the pain on my face?? I treated Seth.. but my mind was far from where my body physically was. And afer He left.. I sat there near the fire. It was then tanya showed up.. returning my laundry she had folded the night before. she knelt near me... in silence... I knew something was wrong.
Greetings tanya... you are well?
Greetings Mistress, a girl is troubled.
Oh? Anything I can help with tanya?
No Mistress, a girl does not think so.
Why dont you try... sometimes.. I can surprise people.
If it pleases you Mistress, thank you.
Proceed girl.
Yes, Mistress.
tanya is not one to voice herself. Rarely does the beast even speak. I listened to what she had to say... about things she heard drifting down the slave network.
*Drip* The first drop splashed into my water.
she kept going.. and going.. and going and going. My nails had dug into my palms with what I was listening to.
*Drip* *Drip* *Drip* More drops hit the water.
I had to stop her a moment for fear she would rupture a vocal cord or something. My bowl of water was resting on the ground between my feet and elbows were on my knees.. my hands dangling between. she asked me then... was it possible for a Woman to... "try on a collar for size? To see if slavery.. suited them" To which I replied.. hell no! Funny that ! Hmmm I think I will go and submit.. but if I dont like it.. I'll just change back. What the fuck !!!?? I mean get real. When you submit.. you lose e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. Your name.. your family.. your friends.. your life. You start with a new slate. You lose freedom.. you gain a different kind of freedom. You lose friends.. you gain Master's and Mistresses. You kneel.. you dont squat or sit. You serve.. you arent served. There is no such thing as a half breed. Your either Free or your not. Period.. end of story. Thanks for playing.
tanya continued. *Drip.. drip.. drip.. drip.. drip.. drip* My water had turned. Putting together what I personally had heard and what the girl was telling me... my jaw was locked open... listening to this string of shit that all made sense now. When tanya finished... I made her a mug of tea with honey... sent her back to Seth... and was now alone with my thoughts. Vile.. repulsive.. embarassing thoughts. I waspissed. Pissed that such a thing was allowed to happen. Shocked that it was going on. I felt.. desicrated. My faith was nill. I could feel my stomach churning within and had to run to wretch behind the wagon. My stomach was empty now and hurting. My head throbbing.. but I had promised Seth I would stop by and check on the hand. I knew I was pale and He would read me like a scroll.. but I went anyway. Why do I have to even give a shit about this stuff.
My water was now a bowl of blood. My own fingernails had torn open my palms.
And they all wonder why Im so fucked up.
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