The next morning... I found tanya not resting in the wagon set for her... but she was out making blackwine and cleaning. It surprised me and shocked me all the same. From the watch point of my platform... I stayed quiet... seeing how the girl moved. It was obvious she was in pain.. every stretch.. every step made her wince.. her back was red.. already bruising.. and I would need to work on that later so she didnt look.. too bad. When finally I stepped to our small fire pit.. tanya turned and approached.. knelt and whispered her greetings. I reached and touched the side of her face gently.. asking how she was. she replied she was fine.. I knew she lied and told her so with a tug of her hair. she said what was done.. was over and there was no use in dwelling on it. she would heal.. the pain would go away. I didnt argue or scold her further. I told her that I would want to apply some ointments to her back to help her.. and she refussed.. saying she didnt wish to anger Shi by taking away what He had done. I didnt think it fair that she had to suffer from such an excessive beating... especially since her skin was not broken in to the whip. All the same.. she said.. she wished I would not further aid with her back. I shrugged and nodded.. not upsetting her further with worry she was making Shi displeased. Sending her to do her chores.. she walked about the campsite and I asked her what happened that night. she told me about dancing for Ba'atar and Cana.. this.. made me drop my bowl of blackwine. I asked if they were displeased with her dance?? Is this why Shi beat her?? she said no.. that they were quite gratfull and really enjoyed her dancing.. that she had pleased them.. very much... and that she was told to express their pleasure to Shi and I. I asked if she had done so.. did she tell Shi. she said no.. not yet. well.. shit !!! I walked to her and grabbed her by the shoulders and turned her to face me... "Why in Gor's great Sky did you not tell this to Shi??" I was nearly screaming at her. she looked at me.. emotionless and simply said.. "If a girl told Master at that moment about her dancing and bringing honor to Him, Master would have taken that as she was trying to gain sympathy.. or perhaps avoid punishment and it would have meant nothing" she added that in time she would tell Him of her dance.. and how she did so to honor Him and me. her reasoning held water with me... I understood exactly what she was saying.. and now I was all the more angry at what happened. He needs to know.. I thought. He needs to know the girl works hard to be an example.. and to be proper. I had to send tanya off to rest.. at least out of my sight.. because the more I looked at her the more I wanted to shake her.. make her wake up and speak up. But deep down I knew that would never happen. tanya was trained.. hard.. strict and deeply with old laws... old ways. If Shi didnt see this.. didnt realize it.. I was going to whack Him upside the head with a skillet. He has no clue just what He was given in this girl. Maybe.. I question her being given to Him... maybe He isnt able to handle a girl such as her. she is much like I was... and He cant handle me like that.
This... is why Ive sunk into myself and I hide. This is why I am no longer loud and brazen. Why I am not confrontational.. why I dont stand up to things. Yes... its there.. its just under the surface.. waiting to be scratched and released... it is a constant struggle to contain it. But I too am afraid to let it go. Even more so now.. seeing the girl's back.
I know.....
That... coulda been me.
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