Nothing pisses off a Tuchuk.. especially a Female Tuchuk more than a wardrobe malfunction. Finally after hands of repairing and rigging the heel of my boot... it was over... there was no saving it. I had been sitting by the main fire.. trying to hammer it back on with a rock when it just gave up and died.. there would be no more healing the heel. Kam was there... sitting His usual smug self on the Grey's. I will say He looks good on them. At least they were occupied and not so barren. In anycase.. we started talking. I was alittle miffed at Him for a comment He made to Cana. Neither one of us knew whether it was an insult or an honor... and I finally told Kam how I felt. He said it was not said to hurt or insult. I let it go. Im still learning to control my anger and I could not trust discussing it further. Shi showed up...checking on me I guess.. I dont know. Each day I become more and more confused... I suppose I will just shut up and just sit there. I always say the wrong thing... and when I try... it doesnt come out right. Everything is.. slow down.. take it easy.. relax. I dont know how to do that. But I knew what would help.. and I got me a tiny cup of paga. Kam had left.. Shi was distanced... and I drank a tiny bit of liquid stupid. On an empty stomach... my cheeks flushed fast.. my brow sweating... my eyes heavy... I paced the fire pit in bare feet. When I started to wobble... it was time to get back to the wagon. I collapsed when I reached the furs... my body was unable to move.. my muscles just refussed to participate and my eyes closed. Much as I struggled to open them... the wash of calm ebbed through my body and I drifted off to sleep. I know I dreamed. I remember bits and pieces... I also know I woke up.. several times to upchuck. I hope this was a night Shi was out on patrol... it was not a pretty sight. I think I will spend the day in the furs.... I dont feel good.. and Im not sure where Im going next. This is the first time a wave of saddness and realization of everything that is going on has hit me. I dont know what to do....
Im still learning.
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