A Few Ahn's had passed... and so did the sour stomach. The waves of nausea were growing few and far between. The bright pink walls of the Nightmare were screaming at me and my head was starting to pound... so I up and dressed... heading to that little last wagon of Shi's. Some headache powders added into a tea accompanied me as I climbed the steps and tossed open the flaps. I sat inside at a small table... mulling last night over in my head. A small breeze fanned through the opening and with it came a feather. It was red... rather pretty and I watched it as it floated and then settled on a stand nearby. It wasnt the feather that held my attention... but the object it had landed on. An old weathered leather bound book. Pinching the feather between my fingers... I then lifted both it and the book up and brought them to the table. The feather was set to the side and I opened the book up. The first page had me immediately slam it shut and cover it with my hands. "Shi's journal" I whispered.. and my heart started to race. Should I read it? No... that would be rude and untrustworthy.. I thought. But... why did He leave it here? There must be a reason... and I slowly edged the book open again... I did not start in the beginning.. but rather the last page.. and I read quietly. When I finished the page.. I sighed. I tossed around the words it said... So He wants me to take a good look at myself.. and those around me. Ive done that. I know what I see.. I know what I am and who I am... and I dont need to be... picked up and dusted off. Who helped me... everyone did. Shi did.. Tarra.. Cana... Nette.. I had expected Kam to.. but He is still holding a grudge over the last mishap and doesnt seem to care. He cant.. He has other responsibilities to deal with other than another one of my failed relationships. I flipped the pages back more and read several more pages. I was shocked to see some of the things Shi wrote.. especially how angry and cutting His words were where He described me as a having a Poor Silken Routine. But... He did come around and change what He said. It worried me that the children had bothered Him.. and I wondered if it could be different if there was a next time. Or.. would He hold ill feelings towards them for ... just trying to be with their Momma. I dont think He ever understood that for me.. time alone is hard to come by.. and time alone with a Mate is harder yet. I only wanted to help.. I only wanted to try and help Him.. help us. Maybe He gets it.. maybe not.
I came to a passage in the journal.. words that seized my heart and made my breath catch in my throat. Words that I never thought even bounced around in that hard head of His. The main focus of the poem being If tomorrow never comes would I know He loved me. Further back another passage that tore me apart. Make it like it was.. when I hungered for your love. The feather was dropped on that page and I closed the journal... pressing the red plume between pages. I couldnt read anymore. my eyes had teared up and my heart was pounding in my chest. No... I didnt know He felt that way... well.. this way. He said that He still feels everything He once did. So.. if tomorrow never came.. would I know? Alittle. Words on a page mean alot but not as much as hearing them or feeling them. Make it like it was? I dont think I can. I tried to.. Skies.. I wanted to. But the last entry said He would not rush in. I guess.. that means I cant either. I wont then. If He wants me to just live and not work towards anything.. then I will. When Im made to do something I dont want to.. I get withdrawn and distant. I protest it and I fight it. I cant fight this. Why didnt He just tell me these things Himself.... It would have changed everything. I would have known so much more and not been left to guess... assume. I took a small piece of parchment and penned a few words on it. I tucked it into the book.. on the page with the feather that stuck out the top pages and I left the journal on the table. My hair was braided tighter and dropped down my back. To the kaiila pen's I went and saddled Beta up. I left quietly and quickly and rode hard.... blurred by the words I had read and I had written.....
Make it like it was
It was easier for me
I know you’re able
To make it like it was
The words... go both ways.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment