A hand full of insights and new beginnings. With Shi away on an extended patrol.. I thought I would go nuts. It was completely the opposite. Instead of sitting back.. moping.. complaining.. I just got up and lived. Of course.. I had my moments of whining.. and yes.. I missed Him.. but I realized I dont need a Man to make me happy. Tarra was right.. it comes from inside me. Having someone to share that with.. well.. that.. just adds to it.
I spent more time outside the wagon.. playing with the kids.. teaching them the things they will need to know in life and just reacquainting myself with them. How they have grown and thrived in such a short time. I can pay attention to them.. instead of wondering who will share my wagon with me next... who will help me raise them. There have been many a Warrior coming to my fires with that look in their eyes. Yeah... easy prey? I dont think so.. not anymore. I fell for that twice now.. never again. There will be no sleeping around... no midnight romps... no secrets within the shadows.... no. Ive got undies of iron... and I intend to keep it that way. Im special enough to wait and Im worth it. Sex is just that... sex. Of course there is the kind with a special someone whom you care about.. maybe.. if your lucky.. you love them. Even more so.. they might love you back. Together.. that is the special thing to wait and hope for.
I received a scroll from Shi delivered by one of His commanders who returned before Him. It read that He was alive and well and would be returning tonight. He addressed me as His love.... and signed it with the same endearment. It made me smile... to know He missed me. To know He loves me. I can only imagine what will happen when He rides back to the wagons... I have my personal visions of the meeting.. but with Shi.. nothing is ever certain. No matter what.. I will be happy to see Him. But I wonder if I can restrain myself as I describe eariler. Can I be controlled enough to wait? Can I be proper and restrained... Can I show Him with words.. or a certain glance that.. I so want to be more than just very good friends. Can I tell Him.. Im ready to start over without saying just that. Can I tell Him I want Him to be part of my circle without showing Him.... all good questions. There is only one tho... that I need answered... Will He be here for me. I wont be left as an absent Mate ever again. Mating is for life.. and with His blood running within mine... I intend to make sure things are different this time. When He is ready... when He makes the decision... I'll offer Him my dagger and my hand.. if He accepts.. then our blood will mix and renew our bond. If He denies it... then I can say that we tried. It's up to Him now where we go from here.
But for once.. Im going into this with my eyes open....
and Im not scaired anymore.
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