Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices
Inside my head
Lay down with me
Tell me no lies
Just hold me close,
Dont patronize
Dont patronize me
I cant make you love me
If you dont
You cant make your heart feel
something it wont
Here in the dark
in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And Ill feel the power
but you wont
No, you wont
Cause I cant make you love me
If you dont
Ill close my eyes
then I wont see
The love you dont feel
when your holding me
Morning will come
and Ill do whats right
Just give me til then
to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight
I cant make you love me
If you dont
You cant make your heart feel
something it wont
Here in the dark
in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And Ill feel the power
but you wont
No, you wont
Cause I cant make you love me
If you dont
The blues still had a good hold on me... mostly because I hadnt seen or heard from Shi since the boys were born. I know.. damnit I know Men are busy.. but Im tired of this. I thought it would be different this time.. I thought I wouldnt feel this way ever again... but a trip to the fires simply floored me and brought me back to that state.. that state of utter hopelessness. I saw Cana.. Ba' and Tarra. Ba' asked me to relay a message to Shi that He wished to speak to Him. I said I would leave Him a note... but that wasnt good enough. Ba' said I had to give Shi the message personally. Good luck... I thought.. but told Ba' I would do so at my first opportunity... but wanted to add.. dont hold your breath. Cana and Ba' left.. and that had just Tarra and I at the fires. I know now and accept that something has changed between us.. be it my past mistakes.. or just the fact people dont trust me .. whatever it is.. we do not speak as we once did. There is a distance between us.. and I fear it will never be fixed. Maybe it's better this way... I wont hurt Her ... or anyone anymore... because Im so... screwed up. I did ask Her to please ask the kids to come see the babies. And was told She would tell them.. speak to them.. but wasnt sure they would. I sensed before that might be a problem there... and found that Arkus and Hallie are having trouble with the fact Shi doesnt give them much time. What could I do but nod. I could not and would not make excuses for Shi. But I did ask Tarra to make sure they knew I wanted them to come.
Tarra left soon after.. leaving me feeling like I had Dar-kosis... I feel that no one wants to be around me and its because of how I used to be. So much for trying. Perhaps Im wrong... but Im most likely right. Either way... Im still here.. and Im still trying... even if it's to the behind the back laughter and jokes at my expense.
Im honestly sick over the thought that these children.. and not just mine.. have been abandoned over and over... wondering who and what will come next. Is it that way for mine? Do they see what other's see? And am I still in denial that the cycle was broken. Im destined to be misrable forever.. I guess Im supposed to just be alone.. caring and tending for all these kids. Healing those in need and helping the People. Im just not supposed to love.. or be loved. I am supposed to be... just.. here. Just me... and myself... alone. If I can get that into my head.. maybe everything will be alright.
If I cant...
Im going to die
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