It was a conversation with Leonette that sparked something. Cleared out some cobwebs. Sitting there talking to Her was like looking in a mirror.. asking the questions Ive held for many turnings.. but this time.. I got a response. I always knew there were a select few out there who could understand what I had gone through... but it is rare to find one to trust to speak about it. We both spoke of our fear of the collar... at least.. returning to it. There are the pro's and con's that can be argued back and forth.. usually with someone that never wore the steel has the most con's. But yes.. there are pro's. So does that make us slave's acting like Free Women? Absolutely not. Does it mean sometimes.. when we get comfortable.. we do stupid things that can be construed as wrong? Perhaps... the jury is still out on that one. But we both have an understanding now of what is and isnt proper. I know I do. I had mentioned prior to meeting with Her today... about a kiss Seth gave me. Was receiving a kiss... baiting a collar? I didnt think so.. being I didnt initiate it. But was.. returning that kiss.. responding to it... asking for it.... there in lies the fine line I suppose. Personally.. I do not think so.. but I will have to ask Kam... my voice of reasoning. I would hope that their are no Warrior's out there that would try and trap one of our Women into a collar by such a move. I can honestly say that... I dont see a kiss as begging a collar. Who knows.. Ive been accused of being delusional before. Narrow minded and such. But I wonder how many can say they never kissed the Man they loved before they were joined... or at least interested in. I bet I could count on one hand.
I left Nette to feed the kids... with a promise to return and talk more soon. Heading to the main fires... I was hit with a wall of cold air. There sat Tarra and Cana. Now.. it is no secret that I love the two of them like blood family.. but I had been avoiding this meeting because of the pain involved. I had to leave before Loch's pyre. There was no way around it. Yet.. I knew they wanted me to be there. So.. I held my head up.. got my blackwine and moved to sit with them. Greetings exchanged... and then.. I said it. I opened the door for my beating and offered my condolances. Tarra immediately jumped me... but.. I wouldnt expect less. I did not try to soft soak it.. I told Her what it was. She told me how it would be. I hope in time She will understand why I did it. Maybe She will.. maybe She wont. But I believed in what I had to do. Cana was less angry.. but She has always been a tender soul. Which made this worse for me to do to Her. I would have been there.. standing with them.. I wanted to be. And in a way I was. So I took my medicine. Both can be angry and upset... in time... perhaps we can talk further of it should it be desired. Neither would hold back to tell me my shortcommings... they dont want to see me fail. For this reason alone... I knew Tarra was going to have Her say. After the initial lashing... things seemed to calm. There was still a chill in the air. I expect there will be for some time. But I faced it.. and I think I faced it the right way. I didnt run.. like some do. I didnt hide behind falsities. I didnt make excuses. I didnt compare it to what other's did.. or would have done. I sat there and accepted what I had done. Right or wrong... I faced it.
You always hurt.. the one's you love....
making it right... is what counts.
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