Page 552 ~ Salt in an old wound

It always happened around my Birthday. The sentimental thoughts... the tears both good and bad. and sometimes the anger. Usually... I directed it at the Sky. That fickle callous bitch who laughed in whispers and just loved to strike terror and misery into my life. I swore I would not let it happen this year. Trouble is... I swore every year that it wouldnt and something always brought me down into that abyss where memories lie. This year.. would be no different.
The day started well. The children brought me a half ass attempt at breakfast in the furs... which.. aside from a few burnt pieces of bosk strips and runny vulo eggs.. was not all that bad. Course the best things about a Birthday is undenably ... PRESENTS ! I was having a grand ole time.. unwrapping little gifts all the children had either made or found in one of my wagon's o' treasures. To see their little faces light up with my act of surprise and then my praise of "How did you know I wanted... just this !!??" Priceless. It was almost mid day by the time we finished. I had one gift left to discover and was at the point I was searching the door frame for Ash. I had yet to see Him and well... if I could have a wish on this day... it would be some time with Him. Dakota announced that it was time for lessons... yes... even on a special day the children still had their various teachings to attend. My eldest son would escort each child out.. pushing a few by the backs of thier shoulders... protesting all the way... ahhh yes!! That's my brood! But it was little Ess.. twin brother of Vee that threw the biggest tantrum. He broke free of Kota's wrangling and ran to me with a small leather wrapped item in His hand. Quickly He set it to my hand.. and I realized that among the mayhem of all the kids being in the wagon... I had missed His gift giving. My heart just sank. Ess whispered.. "I didnt get to give you my present, Momma." And I smiled.. brushing an errand dark red.. almost blackish strand of hair from His eyes. "But son... You did. I have it now." I said thinking it would cheer Him up. But Ess just shook His head and said.. "But.. not in front of the other's, Momma. They aint gonna see." Ahhhh I got it. "Ohhh Ess.. Im sorry. I didnt mean to miss you." I said and looked over the wrapped tiny gift. "How about if I open it tonight at dinner... even when Ash is there! Wouldnt that be great for Him to see it too??" Ess just burst at the seams and threw His arms around my neck.. kissing my cheek. "Good idea Momma!!" He said... and then turned boasting a proud puffed up chest as He went to follow the other's out. I heard Him on the way down the steps... "Momma's openin' mine at dinner.. when Ash is there!!" I chuckled and looked around at the gifts and just swelled with pride at my children. Sure... there were alot of them.. but they were mine and they were healthy.. and they were Tuchuk. What else could I ask for???
Now.. Im not one that can hold in a surprise... let alone.. leave a present unwrapped. I knew I couldnt wait till dinner to see what Ess had brought me. So... I began to unwrapped the leather folding until I could see what was inside. It took several moments for what I held in my hand to register in my brain. I tried to push it out of my mind... faking that it was just a piece of carved wood... innocent.. simple. But it sank in deeply exactly what it was. And up until now.. I had completely forgotten about it. Yet... in my palm ... I held the hilt of a dagger. An old.. worn dagger handle. A dagger with a secret. True the blade was gone.. snapped off during its last use. But that hilt brought back a flood of double jepordy. The original giver... and the last usage.. was enough to send me into that tailspin of twisting.. turbulent memories... that just sucked me down into the dark abyss. I do not know if my eyes were closed or open... was I dreaming... or just stuck in a nightmare of flashbacks. But... I saw.. clear as day.. the moment that dagger was given to me in a shiney.. pristine condition. I saw the giver. One had I sworn to push from my memory and thoughts. And in sequence with that.. began everything that we shared in our lives.. from meeting to becomming mates.. to everything inbetween and back and forth. I asked the Sky to stop. I begged Her to not torment me... not today. Haughty Bitch.. didnt listen. Instead.. She added to my pain.. showing me then what transpired the last time I held the dagger. Who.. what.. where and how it was used. I saw the blood... I tasted it. I felt its warmth as it ran between my fingers.. down my arm and pooled against my elbow within clothing. I watched a last breath taken... again. I heard the slowing of a heartbeat and then the silence of death. I closed my eyes in this vision.. but it did not stop. My secret. My painfull ever torturous secret... I lived with everyday... was once more being played out.. in full blown color... against my will. I tried to scream.. I tried to move.. to get up and break free of this... but my body felt frozen in it's place... I could do nothing but watch what unfolded in my mind. For whatever reason.. the Sky suddenly released Her hold on me and I felt the moment of chance to escape. I must have screamed.. LOUD. Jax came tear ass into the wagon with a blade drawn... me.. still caught in the haze of my dream... only looked at Him .. wide eyed.. shaking. "what !! who?? where..." were the words Jax got out.. standing defensivly.. waiting to attack. And when nothing happened.. He frowned.. "Silken?" He looked at me... then His expression when from anger to concern. "Silken..." He said softer and sheathed His blade to move and crouch before me. He touched a finger pad to the back of my hand.. and I reacted with a flintch. "Your... so cold" He whispered and stoked up the small fire bowl while adding a fur over my shoulders. One of the other Men had called out to Him.. making sure everything was ok. He called back to check the Forge.. find Ash.. and was informed that Ash had riden out on the plains to think. "Find Him !" Jax shouted and then moved to sit beside me. "What is it" He spoke softly.. rubbing His palm over my back.. trying to warm me up. I could only shake my head.. the hilt of the dagger was tightly clutched in my palm. He noticed the object and began to try and wrestle it from me. "Let go" He said softly at first.. but I could not move my fingers or relax them. "Let go Silken!!" He said louder.. trying to pry them free. "Damn it Woman!! Give me this blasted thing!!" and with a yank.. He freed the hilt from my grip. I heard His breath still... then He exhailed... and pocketed the piece of wood. "It's ok.. shhhhh it's ok" He whispered. "Ash will be here soon Silks... He'll make you feel better" I wasnt so sure. But as the haze finally cleared and I could feel my arms and legs again... I leaned over against Jax. I was tired. Exhausted. He curled an arm about my shoulders.. rubbing the side of my arm. It was in no way.. anything sexual or even could be construed as such. Jax was like my brother.. the closest thing I had to one. In times when I needed Him.. He was always there. And right now.. I needed to know it was ok... I needed to know someone was there... watching over me.... protecting me.
"Happy Birthday" I heard in a whisper of laughter in my mind.
"Bitch" I muttered under my breath and closed my eyes.

Page 551 ~ Jack Ash

Jax. Ash. Two completely different Men but both bosk-headed.. stubborn and in need of a cod piece full of itching powder. True... I love them both... differently. Ash is my Mate. My rock. Everything that I could want or need in a Man. Jax is like a big pain in the ass brother. One that likes to poke and pull my braid.. but would jump in front of a runaway wagon to push me out of its path. Ash has never liked Jax.. from day one. Perhaps its the closeness we share. Or perhaps Ash is just a teensy-weensie bit jealous that Jax is always with me.. and He cannot be. It was never more evident than tonight. Jax had sent word to Ash that we needed to talk. I was not too happy about this.. but I did not argue. So when Ash showed up and Jax started to prod me to speak to Him... things went ass up. First I was bickering with Jax and Ash walked away. Jax goes to approach Ash and just tell Him that I was worried about a few things. The cock fight begins. Mines bigger than yours... well.. not so much those words... but.. akin to them. I gave up. Both of them can stand there and talk.. or rip each other to shreads. Dont matter to me. I have enough on my plate... that I do not need to listen to that. So... I left. Last I saw was the two .. stand-off'in each other as I disappeared down the rows. Yeah.. I needed to talk.. but I was not about to speak to Ash in that mind set. There are just some days that your man needs a whack upside the head with a heavy skillet. This would have to wait till we were not at the main fires. So.. where was I?? Ohh yes.. walking the rows. Didnt take me long to weave around the Harigga before I heard a soft sobbing. Following the sniffles.. I came across a young girl.. no more than four.. maybe five. She looked familar.. but I could not place where or whom I had seen Her with. She sat on the steps of a small wagon... a lil dollie in Her lap that Her tiny fingers stroked gently. When I approached and crouched down... She looked at me with tear stained cheeks and swollen eyes. Immediately.. they widened and She sat up. "Your the healer !" She squeeled and I myself was a bit surprised. "Why.. yes... I am.. but.. how did you know?" I wiped my thumb across a small cheek. "Cause you got fire hair" She said.. and touched my braid that hung over my shoulder. "Ahhhhhh." I nodded... She's heard of me. Interesting. "So.. what has you so upset lil one?" I asked and She lifted Her dollie up. I noted that an arm had torn free of the torso and rolled seperate in Her little palm. "Her arm's boken" She whispered. "May I see??" I asked.. reaching for the dollie which was pulled back from me and a warning gaze given. I smiled and spoke softly... "I promise not to hurt her anymore" I crossed my heart and the young one hesitantly relinquinshed possession of the doll. "Hmmmm... " I put on my best astute face.. studying the doll. The little one whispered.. "Is she gonna die??" I had to bite back a small chuckle and in turn rolled back to sit on my bum. "I think... I can save Her." I said and a chime of uplifted cheers came from the lil girl. Letting my medical satchel slide from my shoulder... I took out needle and thread and began to restitch the arm back into place. It was such a simple little thing.. I wondered why the childs Mother had not thought of it. But in no time.. the dollie had her arm back... and the lil one was all smiles and giggles. She hugged that lil doll.. kissed it and brushed back its woven lil braids. I was surprised as I went to get up by a tackle of a hug that sent us all rolling back to the ground. The lil one kissed my cheek and thanked me. I was humbled as we sat back up... and brushed a few strands of the girl's hair back into place. I tapped the dollie clutched in her hand. "Now.. you make sure your Momma gives her some extra treats tonight after dinner. She needs to heal." I said with a smile. The young one never batted a lash and whispered ... "My Momma's up in the Sky" I frowned.. it all made sense now. "Im sorry lil one." I said softly... cupping a cheek and then rising. "It's ok.. I gots my dollie back!" The girl chirped. "Yes... yes you do. And you two take care of each other." She gave me a big wave and a toothy grin and ran back up into the wagon. I stood outside that wagon for sometime... just staring and listening to the giggles that rose in the air from the little girl. How happy she was with just the little she had. Suddenly... I felt.... shame. Here... I had everything I could ever want... and I was off pouting. I turned and headed quickly back to my wagons... right to my children.. who... all got hugs and kisses. I put out a bowl of candies I had made and let them eat to their hearts content. Gathering up Tae from Aunt's arms.. I went in search of Ash. That bosk-headed big lug was going to get an earfull from me. I needed to hug Him too.. I needed to kiss Him.. I needed to tell Him just how much I loved Him and needed Him.
I rounded the corner of a wagon to see Him and Jax still standing there....
thats when I realized... they never knew I left.
and.... I laughed.

Page 550 ~ Spoiled

It was Jax that followed me to my latest hiding spot. Seems He spoke with the Ubar's guards and now has a more... bigger responsibility. Me. Not just.. following along on my trade routes anymore... but guarding the Ubara. *makes a face* Frankly.. I do not care for the usage of that word. At least for me. It doesnt seem real.. and certainly.. doesnt roll off the tongue. I called Ash.. Ubar. It sounded weird. He agreed. He called me Ubara.. it sounded.. wierd also. I agreed. So.. we decided to just be what were always were and always will be. Good ole Ash and Silken. Commander and Free Woman of the Tuchuk.
But anyway.. that wasnt what sent me in a tailspin and off to hide in an old wagon of Shi's. It was something Ash had said. We talked just alittle about all the new responsibilites. And He reaffirmed that He would need me more now than ever.. and wanted to be sure that when things for His day were all said and done.. or He had been called away to speak with someone.. He just wanted to know that I would be there... waiting for Him.. ready to assist.. ready to pull Him back down to the ground so things just didnt seem like.... messed up. I assured Him that I was going no where.. and would do nothing differently. I would always be waiting for Him... well.. I did give Him a few exceptions to which He laughed heartily. What followed then.. was the statement that.. "Everything has come full circle, Silken" Beyond that... everything He said.. was just a blur. Not once.. but twice.. I had now heard this. Was this my own personal Omen? Was the Sky just.. sticking that dagger a little bit deeper between my ribs and giving it a small twist? Suddenly... I felt.... sick. I told Ash I had people waiting at my healers wagon... and hurried off quickly. I wanted to tell Him... I wanted to scream.. cry... throw a tantrum... but knew I could not. Several times as I walked the rows in the darkness... I stopped and turned back.. intent on finding Ash and just... laying it all out on the table. But I couldnt. What if He laughed? What if He just.. tried to convince me.. it wasnt what I thought? When there are only two people I could actually tell this too.. that might understand... yet... might think me silly??? Fonce and Tarra. I had stopped by Tarra's wagons.. but was told She was not available. Understandable.. She is very busy I suppose. We all are. And Fonce... well.. He already thinks me insane... so.. its just better to deal with it... even badly on my own.
So... I was sitting in this old beat up wagon of Shi's when I heard boots on the steps. The door opened and in walked Jax. Now... Jax has been with me since.. well.. since I was little. He did not become a more prominant figure in my life until Jerus. When He was made Commander of the guards that would follow on trade routes. Once Jerus died... all the other's left... taking other positions and what not. But Jax stayed. We have a love hate relationship.. and probably always will... but the Man has stuck His neck out for me more than once.. and lost a few pints of blood on more than one occasion... and even had some of His ass chewed out for a few of my adventures. But I know that no matter what... He always has my best interest at hand. He came into the wagon this night and grabbed me rather hard by the arm... yanking me from the wagon and back outside where I was ushered... and none to gently... by the shoulder back to our wagons. He sat me down with a shove to the shoulder and fingers around my neck and said only two words. "Your Spoiled" I lifted a brow... then frowned and snapped at Him. "What? Are you crazy?" I said. He shook His head and wagged a finger at me. "You cannot just walk off Silks. Not anymore. Your Spoiled. You need to stop running from Ash.... You need to tell Him" He said again. "Tell Him what?" I said and Jax laughed. "You know damn well, what.. Woman" He said and I looked away. Jax knew everything... my secrets... my fears.. loves.. hates.. and yes.. He knew things from when I was little as well. This was a moment when I didnt need Him prying into my brain. He told me that He was going to get Ash and would lock us both in the wagon until this was straightened out. I told Him.. good luck trying... I was always a master escape artist. Soon as He left.. I made a dash for the bathing wagons. I knew that was one place He would not enter. Latching the door behind me... I readied a nice hot steaming bath and undressed to slide into the lapping hot water. It enveloped me like a cozy blanket... and I sighed... trying to let the days events literally.. wash away. And almost suceeded... till that knock came at the door...
"Go away" I said... angry now that someone had disturbed me. "I will not" came the reply... Jax's reply no less. Heh. I ignored Him. "Silken? If you do not open this door, by the count of three... I will break it down" Jax said. I only chuckled.... and listened.
"One" I looked to the door... waiting.... waiting....
"Two?" Grinning... He wouldnt... no.. He wouldnt dare. I waited more.
"Three!!" Came and nothing happened.. so I settled back into the water with a smirk....
that is...
until the door cracked and splintered the frame .... flew open and the latch went flying across the room.....

Page 549 ~ Tip me over

The bonfire. Ive grown accustomed to building one every night. I dont know why I have this need to make it so big. Perhaps it just adds more light to the Harigga... and perhaps I hope to draw people from their hibernation in wagons to join the main fires once more. Maybe its just something to occupy my down time. In any case... it does draw a few. Mainly Seveya. I have to admit that as I add the chips to the fire... letting it grow steadily.. I watch the rows in hopes that She might just appear. Her company is welcomed... and Her compassion unmatched. I think She senses that I am a jumbled mess of things in my mind.. and in Her own little way She tries to ease it from me. Yet tonight... I totally blew that away. I was at the fires with Tae nestled in the craddle of my thighs when Sev arrived. She sat down and we both talked for a few moments about this and that. Mainly about how things had gone between Fonce and Ash and the capturing of the Greys. My arms were tired.. and my legs needed a break so I plopped Tae down into the craddle of Sev's skirt. I saw Her hesitance to touch the baby.. and did not push it. Some people just dont like to hold babies. But this was not holding... it was just... becoming a valley of sorts to hold Her. I watched as Tae smiled to Sev and used a floppy still uncoordinated arm and hand to swipe at Her colorful braids. But... Somehow.. in my wildest of dreams as we spoke... I did not expect to mention the whole "coming full circle" thing. But I must have said it because Sev agreed that it had done so. I felt my chest seize and I couldnt breathe. I paniced and though I knew I had left Seveya feeling She did something or said something wrong... I had to get out of there fast. She questioned me... What was wrong... I could only answer that I was tired.. I felt ill... the baby needed to eat. It just felt like my dreams had torn into my chest.. grabbed my heart and pulled. I needed to get to my wagon before I broke down... or completely lost my mind. Quickly I took the baby and left... at least trying to assure Sev that She did nothing wrong with a few nicities of words and then climbed into my wagon to... well... hide. I fed Tae... and then wrapped her up in tiny furs and set Her down for a nap. I found myself searching the wagon in my secret hiding places... trying to find my old flask... or that old tarnished silver tin. Neither of which I could locate. Then grabbing the keys to my medical supply wagon... I was just about out the door... desperate to get just a small bit of kanda when Tae let out a small whimper. It stopped me dead in my tracks. I looked to the jingling keys in my hand and when the reality of what I was doing with them set in. I finally cracked.. pressing my back into the wall and sliding down it into a crumpled heap on the floor. I knew that I had to tell Ash. I knew that if I didnt speak to Him... I was going to force myself down a path that would be.... self destructive. Ohhh but the urge.. the fucking craving to stop the pain was overwhelming. It took all I could not to get back up and walk out that wagon. Instead... I crawled to our sleeping platform and into the furs. The pain in my head as well as in the pit of my stomach was so severe I think I finally just passed out.
Thats when the dreams came... full force.
I was standing in the back of a large group of people that all focused on a Man before them. Slaves surrounded Him... crawling... begging with the touch of hands... writhing at His feet for His attention. I had to get closer.. I had to see who it was.. and I began to shove and push my way through the sea of bodies. I never seemed to gain ground... but finally.. I made it to the first row and broke through... landing on my hands and knees between two slaves. My first sight was of boots. Then righting myself slightly... I scanned upwards over legs... to a waist. Higher yet to a stomach... then a chest. My skin felt prickly... warm... and like it tightened as I looked further up. Now the last horts and I looked to the face. I know... I screamed in my sleep... for I was looking at Ash. He just looked down at me... laughed.. and kicked me away in favor of the half clad sluts worshipping Him. I begged Him... pleaded for Him to not do this... not hurt me... but He only jesture was to remove a collar from His belt and dangle it on a finger at me. My head shook slowly side to side as tears fell. He stepped closer... crouched and grabbed a fist full of my hair... His voice then at the shell of my ear.. whispering... "I dont need you anymore.... unless... it is this way" and the collar was shoved into my vision. "No.. no!" I whispered with a meek..timid voice. "Then you will die. I have no use for a Mate any more" He said... and with that the collar was tossed aside to be replaced with His sword. I heard it cut through the air as He lifted it high... and I looked to Him once more. "Ash... please! I... I love you!" I said. But He only smiled and then the blade was sliced down.

It was that tinglie.. shot through a tunnel at high speed type feeling that I remember next.. and I was soon sitting up with a start... shaking.. sweating and crying. The dream still so profound.. so vivid that I looked around for signs of Ash... or.. my head rolling around seperated from my shoulders. Tae had awoken... prolly from my cries and screams... so I took Her to nurse and tried to calm myself down. Was I going crazy? Was this what full circle felt like? Is this how the end.... began?
I just wanted someone to tip me over and pour out all the bad stuff.
I needed to find Ash..... He would know what to do.
He just had to.

Page 548 ~ Full Circle

For some time now.. Ive been keeping secrets. Not any devistating kind of bombshell that would rock the world with repercussions or things of that sort. But the kind of secrets of thoughts and fears that culminate within this scattered brain of mine. The dreams Ive been having are... keeping me from sleeping a full night. Maybe Im just sleep deprived.. being up with Taeleah all hours and off my normal pattern. Maybe its the fact that so much time has passed and there was no sign of Ayg. And I knew that a decision would need to be made on the Greys. I also knew that Ash would be a canidate for those Greys. Ash was a great Ubar the last time He led the People. True.. He accepted the position before during a time of great turmoil... but what great leader didnt? Isnt the current leader the one that inherets all the bad stuff from the one before them? And are they not the one's that get blamed for current problems? Im not stupid. I know this. So... with all the dreams and now Ash accepting the Greys.... Im in mental and emotional meltdown. Believe it or not.. it was Seveya that kept me from opening up my mouth and saying something stupid when Fonce and Ash spoke last night. Somehow... just our shared looked .. comforted me. It helped that we spoke before the decision was offical. I felt Her... compassion and I felt for the first time in a long time that... someone had my back. Someone I could trust and count on and know that I could go to them if I needed to talk. She actually was giving me a chance... unlike some that will judge me right off the start line. I did not tell Sev this... not yet. But I will... soon as I get this puzzle of a brain back in order.
Am I scaired? Shit yes! Petrified ! Ive been on these plains and through countless Ubar's over the years. I DONT want this to turn out like them. I dont want to lose my Mate. I dont want to lose myself. Yet... I know that I cannot be selfish. Ash belongs to the People now. His time and His effort is theirs. Selfish? Yes... yes I am.
So... I started to think. My life began as a young Tuchuk. Free.. happy... wide eyed and ready to take the world on by the balls. Events unfolded and I was enslaved. First En Safora to the Ubar... then the tribe and then En Safora to the Law Giver... and eventually freed to take my place as His Mate. And Ive been free ever since. Since Hawks died and I was left to raise His twins alone... Ive had several other Mates and handfulls of children. Ive had my good times and Ive had bad times that embarass even myself. I just have to remember that... the past is what makes us who we are. None of us are perfect.. including myself. But everything Ive done.. good and bad.. molded me to who and what I am today. Besides Shanay and Dakota... Hawks left me with something I still carry with me to this day. He told me of the circle of life. He made sure I remembered and never forgot that everything comes full circle. Life and death. So... with Ash becoming Ubar... this means that my circle is growing to a close... coming complete. The is no more ring to move around... I am at the end. Once this run is over... to me... I believe it will be the end of me. My death.... for I have lived now this full circle. Skies... I cant put it into words.. exactly what I mean. I have it mapped out vividly in my mind and Ive lived by it forever... having never seen the end of my circle... until now. I have not shared this with any other living soul. No Mate prior and not even Ash. I know they will think me silly... I know they will say that I have pleanty of living to do after this. But I would not believe them. Its just... something inside me that tells me... this is my ending. The story was written long ago and now the ending must be completed. It is why... I told Ash that if He ever died.. or if He ever grew tired of me and left me... I would be no more. He is and will be the last Tuchuk to ever know Silken, the Mate. It is why... I could not die with Hawks the first time my heart was broken. The Sky stepped in and shook Her gnarled finger at me and laughed. "Not yet, little hawk" She said. When Steel was taken away in a time of War... when news of His death reached me years later... that I melted into my furs and remained there for weeks without food or water. She glared at me... "No.. still not yet, little hawk" It is why when Jerus was killed... I could not draw the dagger deep enough to drain myself of blood and go with Him. She grunted... shook Her head and snickered.. "There is more to do, little hawk" My wishes to go with them.... would not be granted. I know now.. why. It is because I had not come full circle with Her.
A circle goes on forever Silken. There is no starting point... no stopping point. Right???
I dare you to tell that to the Smithy that made it.

Page 547 ~ Flip

The Sky has a funny way of sneeking up on you and flipping the cards. The Sky is notorious for these games. One day your moving along and then "Flip" ! Corraled into something more dreadful. Now was no different... Life had sprung into the Tuchuk. Part of it came close to 9 days late of my due date. Ash had been summonded by Jax to the start of labor.. which after this many children.. did not last long. Shanay had been trained well... keeping Ash settled and calm while I did what I had to.. bringing this child into the world of the Plains and People. A girl.. a beautiful girl that was handed into those huge hands of my Mate. She looked so small against Him... a tiny bundle that was minored with His size. But the love in Ash's eyes were bigger than anything. We had tossed many names about. And when He held His daughter... He bid Her to carry a very special name. Taeleah Ember. But I was not to be left out on this one. I had my own choice in mind.. and I wanted Ashlyn. Somewhere amongst the tears of joy... and my stubborn opinion... our daughter became known.. and was offered to the Sky in prayer as Taeleah Ember Ashlyn Ley. Life moves on... sometimes faster than we hope... evident by this new life that is nestled between Ash and I as we slept for a few Ahn's that night. A... few mind you. Taeleah has one of my more.... annoying traits. A piercing whail that cuts through you like hot steel. Luckily.. She takes to nursing quickly.. without further fuss and I can half sleep as She feeds. Tucked into Ash's embrace... His arm curled around me and gently stroking His daughters tiny forearm... we rest. Aunt cares for the other children. Little Bull is no longer bent out of shape... now that He knows He is still my baby... my baby boy. Something that had Him quite hell bent on throwing fits here and there. Yes... everything is right as rain. So I thought.
Flip !
Days later... Taeleah is settled into a deceint sleep pattern... enought that I can rest and Ash can sleep mostly. I had put Tae into the furs on our sleeping platform and settled down to pull myself tightly against Ash. Draping an arm over His chest and a leg over His... His grip around me tightened and drew me even closer. His chest rising sharply.. then settling back into a peaceful sleep. Thankfull.. I am able to provide Him this comfort... I too drift into a more deeper sleep than Ive had lately. Until I began to dream. Now... it is not unusual to not remember details of dreams.... this was no exception. Yet... I woke before dawn.. sweating... breathing hard.. and with this fear of whatever it was that had invaded my mind. For days after.. bits and pieces flooded back into awareness. I knew it had to do with Ash... I knew it had to do with the People.... and I knew that Fonce was connected. Odd? Yes. So.. I did my best to put on a happy face... push the visions from my mind and carry on.
Flip !
Enter the main fires. I was resting there tonight. Enjoying the fridged air that to me was cold beyond cold. I had a bonfire that could be seen for passangs. Ash appeared... then Fonce.. Sev.. and Ramza. Sudden familar feelings.... and yes it felt good. Tuchuks had emerged from hibernation... I will quietly attribute that to my bonfire of course. But that nagging ache in my head began to return. Greetings exchanged and some catching up was done... then Fonce spoke. "Ash? when you have a moment... I'd like a few" As if someone had thrust their fist into my chest.. I lost my breath. I saw... and I heard those words before. Deja Vu Silken? Yes Ma'am. Ash and Fonce began to speak. Fonce asked Ash if He had taken over the Greys. Ash said no. They were not His to take. Fonce asked if Ash wanted them. Ash said.. He was not next in line for them. Now... Men say that Women are confusing... and yet these two Men danced around the issue of the Grey's with two left feet. I could tell as I looked at Seveya that we both sorta were thinking the same thing as they skirted the ultimate decision. So as Ash was called away for a few moments.... I was then asked... What do you think of being an Ubara? Well fuck me.. I thought. Of all the things Ive been ... Ive never been an Ubara... nor have I ever really imagined being one. Now... while I wanted to say... I'd be honored... which in this case was true... in my usual Silken response I replyed... "well.. Im useta dealing with children" Insert the laughter here. If anything.. that was brutally honest. Ash returns... stage right. I can tell His mind frame has changed... but... for some reason... He does not even acknowledge my presense there. More flashbacks of my dream double imprint on the moment. Almost similar... almost a double exposure of time.. but not quite. There is just enough distortion that it gives me a headache and makes me feel... weak. I know the questions before they are to be spoken... Ive heard this script before... but I have never heard the final outcome. It didnt take long before I had the ending. Fonce had asked Ash to continue to lead the people as He had been doing. I looked to Ash..waiting with baited breath for His reply. His answer would determin many fates. Including mine. I wanted to scream... wait !! wait !! Let me tell you something !! But... I was too late... Ash accepted the Grey's. It was at that moment that I remember the full dream. Everything that terrorized me... pained me to see and feel... hit me like a thousand stones.. right in the chest. I never got to tell Ash the dream... and I dont think I will. He doesnt not need the silly imprints of visions from my sleep to chew upon.... worry about. He has a new responsibility now.
There is one that knows... for He was there when I fell apart after everyone had left the fires. Somehow I will thank Him for His kind words.
I left the fire with Jax's arm curled about my shoulders... a small wooden bosk widdled from a piece of wood and a bowl of tea. He guided me to a small private wagon to rest. Carefree.... worry free times of days past now gone. I know Ash....
It would be Tribe above all....
and I was included in the "all"....

Flip !

Page 546 ~ The cold within

While cleaning out a wagon preparing for the move once again... I stumbled upon this old weathered book of remberance. My fingers gently brushed over the worn supple cover and I began to peel back the binder to a random page but... stopped. My heart fell into a grasp of hurt and I closed the book and tossed it aside. I was almost.. afraid to touch it. I didnt want to remember. I didnt want to feel. Eventually it got the best of me and with a heavy fur draping my shoulder and swollen belly... I sat against the wall of the wagon and began reading. I laughed.. cried.. grew angry and then... nothing. Nothing.. as I came to the next blank page. Staring at it for a long time... it called to me... begging me to write in it. I spoke to it.. arguing that it wanted more than I could give. And as much as I fought... I gave in. So? Here I am. I have nothing to speak of outside my own life and wagons. As the wagon rocks along the trail North.. I think of my unborn child that grows heavy in my belly. Soon He or She will breathe the cold air of the Northern plains... yet.. I am sad that the family I once knew will not be there to rejoice in this gift. Ash had been busy with this move.... taking over for those supposedly in charge and gathering others to get the Tuchuk moving. His work at the forge that He so loves suffers with this new responsibility. I do not complain nor voice my objections. I know it is what needs to be done. But it doesnt make it any easier. I am able to hide my emotions once again... I guess it is protection from the pain. I need to concern myself as it is with the arrival of our new baby and the care of all our children. Dakota has not left my side and Shanay watches over me like a great Tuchuk healer. I try to cover up the pains that have begun but I trained Her well... even She can read the signs... this baby will come soon. The other children cannot wait tho Bull's nose is a bit out of joint knowing His days as the "baby" are just about over. I am tired. So very tired.. and I try not to get up and move... perhaps holding onto the last bit of joy of being pregnant. So? thats it. Or.. thats all I care to think about right now. I hope I can hold out a few more days till we settle at our new camp. I cannot bother Ash now with this... He needs to concentrate on the People. I need His focus on the tribe.. not worried about me. Thats a switch... huh? Its time to tell Bull another story.. to cuddle and baby Him and rest... after all... soon... He will be a big brother... and I? I'll be a Mama again. Can.... I... make... it ???

Page 545 ~ The Quiet among us

It has been long since Ive felt the need to write in this book. Perhaps the quiet that surrounds the plains is the cause. I cannot say or... I just dont want to. Ive spoken to a few.. a very small few that have ventured to the main fires over these past months.. and each calls for the same thing but no one seems to be doing anything about it. I spoke my peace to two.. seems my words fell on deaf ears. I did not expect less. It is what it is. I cannot change it... and I wont try. The only thing I do is ... live. I live for what is in front of me. Ash.. my children... and a few of the one's I call friends. I survive for family and Tribe because it is not in me to just give up. I will never give up... not so long as I have a moveable bone in my body.
Trust no one... for the one you do will surely crush you beneath their boots first chance given. Those that lay claim to the heritage yet stay away for whatever reasons... and yes I have my opinions why. Ive watched the move take place twice with little if no guidance from those supposedly left in charge. Again... I just followed. Ash picked up the stakes and off we went. Wagons fell into place behind other's... but it was somber and quiet time. Even the bosk do not bellow with lungs filled of the plains air. So now.. we arrive back in the warm air and green grasses and life moves on .. even without us. Gone are the fun filled times of firelight conversations. Gone is the laughter and love of friends and family. Gone is guidence and existance. Gone is normalcy. Gone.... all gone.
Yet a few strong remain and survive. I am one. Ash... and our children. We stayed. We continue. I know no other way. He wouldnt let me give up... even though Ive thought it... I think Ive even spoken it. Some say they are leaving. Going to the city to find life... I know of one that did. Abandoning the group as soon as the chips fell. I cant understand that. I cant fathom it. So... I just let it drift away with all the other crap that Ive seen. I was born here... I will die here. Not for a long time.... Skies willing.
So just what is the next step? Where do I go from here? I cannot answer that either. I can only sit.. wait.. and see who or what the winds bring to the Tuchuk.
For as long as there is one... there will be many.

Page 544 ~ Eggs-actly

"What the heck are you talking about???!!!" I looked at the slave girl like she had two heads and an extra eye right smack dab in the middle of her two foreheads. For a moment.. I thought she might turn on a heel and run. My looks never did settle slaves. But... this one held her ground.. at least for the ehn. her name is onna. I tipped my head.. intensifying that look more and she explaned that she had come from Earth.. captured in one of the raids and brought to Gor. Great... I thought. I had little patence for slaves and even less for a barbarian one. onna.. was close to her Earth name of donna... but the slaver just couldnt grasp her full name so she was stuck with the shortened version. Ive heard worse.. she had heard worse.. so I suppose there was no arguement.
onna then expanded on my original questioning of her way out idea for things to do. You see.. there I was.. with my gaggle of children... flustered and needing some peace and quiet.. when onna stopped by with some supplies from the outer wagons. she wondered if I had ever... colored eggs. Errrrr... huh? I sat to the wagon steps and she began her tale. "It was a day in the early Spring.. when the warmer air came.. when flowers emerged from their winter nesting. We would sit around the table and color eggs for the Easter Bunny. Bright.. beautiful colors.. pink.. orange... yellow... blue... green..... " Both brows lifted and I asked.. "The... Easter Bunny?" onna smiled.. chuckled and nodded. "Yes" she said.. "A big bunny came around and gave all the children candy and the eggs we colored the night before... well.. He hid them and we all had to search for them" Again.. I looked at her and those two heads and extra eyeballs. But.. by now.. a few of the younger children had sat down and were entangled in the slave girl's story. A few oooooooo's and ahhhhhhh's were passed between them. "Bosk shit" I said.. and Wily gave me a nudge as the little one's chuckled to my exclamatory remark. "color eggs!!!" shouted Bull... and I groaned. First off.. this seemed like a girly thing to do.. and I wasnt so sure that Ash wouldnt hang my ass in a sling for letting His son do such a thing. "yes ! we want to paint eggs Momma!!" next came the chorus of plea's from Vee and Ess... and even Mia wanted to paint. I could only slap my forehead with my palm. onna smiled "Mistress... i'd be happy to do it with them... " but before she could finish.. the little one's jumped up and were running around in a happy dance.. singing the praises of... coloring eggs. How could I say no to that??? So... I gave in. I was pretty sure my ass would be painted red by Ash for letting such a ... a... non Gorean thing to be learned... if not participated in by the children... but... I was never one to hide from such a thing. onna began to gather some paint... or what she called dye. she said on Earth ... the eggs were dipped in a color and the shell held it.. mostly without staining the yoke or the white inside. But sometimes it seeped through.. and you got to eat a hardboiled pretty colored egg. "Hardboiled?" I asked... and onna nodded. "We need to boil the eggs first" she said. I nodded... ok.. so no waste of good eggs.. so far.. this wasnt all... that bad... was it? Two children... Vee and Ess... shot off like arrows to the vulo coop. Nothing but a dust trail. Mia.. Sonny and Bull were helping onna set up cups. Starr was boiling water. It was like watching a well oiled wagon traverse the grounds. onna put color in the cups.. making one red.. one green and one purple... I assume from juice of berries and herbs. When the twins returned with the eggs... there were enough for two each. Now.. started the fighting. Mia wanted one of each color... and began to barter things off with another child for an extra egg. Bull wanted three red one's... Vee wanted two green and one red.. Ess wanted two red and one purple. And so it continued till someone was crying... someone was screaming.. and another was shoving this one. I stood up and quickly announced that there would be no eggs if this continued. My patence and my nerves were already frazzled.. I wasnt about to let this go on if they couldnt settle it. Eventually.. they did... and I would never tell them how cute they look when they pout. Sonny quietly gave His twin sister one of His eggs so Mia could do three. Vee and Ess teamed up so they would have two red.. one green and one purple. Bull.. was just happy to make a mess. onna helped the children to boil the eggs and Starr oversaw the whole thing.. setting up a table and stumps for the kids to sit on. They eventually got down to coloring the eggs. Dipping and soaking... with very little fighting. Each child gasped as an egg was removed from a cup.. brightly colored. I was rather amazed myself.. but didnt let on. The eggs dried quickly and then onna said they could paint things now on the shells as they wished. Now.. we were getting into more of a mess and it was already late. The children were all finger stained in various colors and I wasnt to happy about having to scrub them. As the light began to fade in the Sky... I announced that we were done with this and it was bath time. To my amazement.. not a word of protest came. The children all smiled... even thanked the slave and gathered up their colored eggs. With Starr in the lead.. she took them all off to the bathing wagon... leaving me with a gaping jaw as they filed off. I set my mouth back in place and looked to onna who was cleaning up with a smile. "Thank you girl" I said quietly and she nodded. "It was my pleasure Mistress" I nodded then myself and reached into my satchel.. removing a small tin of peppermint candies... turning.. I handed it to the girl. "If your owner allows... a token of my thanks for your caring" I said. she smiled and tucked it into her rope belt. "Thank you Mistress" she said "I shall ask Him this evening" and with that.. she finished cleaning and was gone.. back to the outer wagons.
I checked on Jax and the fire.. making sure both were fed... then headed back to my wagon. The first thing I noticed was the quiet. No screaming.. no fighting.. bickering or whining. The second thing I noticed was... No Ash. I sighed loudly and found myself rather tired. I called out to Jax that I was heading to bed... He asked if I was alright.. if I felt ok. And I told Him.. I was just tired. I lied... but He didnt notice. I mean really... what more was there to do when you were alone... but sleep?
As much as I hated the noise....
I hated the silence more.
And I got alot of that... lately.

Page 543 ~ Day in... Day out

I must admit.. even for me.. having nothing "new" to do is becomming a thorn in my side. When I say nothing to do.. I mean nothing to stimulate new senses. Every Tuchuk Man.. Woman and child has things to do. Tending.. herding.. working.. the usual stuff. But there is nothing new to speak of. There is no one to speak to. Though.. I did see Fonce.. and that had a few neurons firing up and someone to speak to other than myself or the children... it is still the same thing day in and day out. Im so.... well... bored ! I do not get to talk to Ash since He comes in after I am asleep and is out before I wake.. Im starting to take this personally and think He doesnt like me. *chuckle*. Or.. that is His way of dealing with me... by selective and precise timing on His part. Avoidance is golden I suppose.
I did find myself with a visitor the past night. Good ole Shi. We had the chance.. and the time to sit and talk. I was hoping for a good Kur hug upon His return home... I guess I expected it... but it did not come. He infact kept His distance.. which was good for the both of us I suppose. I will continue to keep my distance from Him.. other than to tell Him about His son's... or any of their needs. But nothing more than that. It is imperitive that I stay as far from Him as possible. I do not want Him hurt by me which I seem to do at every turn. Its not on purpose.. but I just find myself acting like a goof whenever He is around.
Snow has given way to rain.. another sign that the move will once again be upon us. I can say that I am happy to see this. I love the warmer air and the summering lands. I love the flowers and the green grass. I hope that people will soon venture out of their winter wagon's and return to the fires where we can enjoy the company and sounds of other's. I cant wait to shed the cold clothing and furs wraps. I cant wait till the kids can be sent outside to play on a moments notice.. without bundling them up like small bosk. Its times like these that I look around a wagon.. crammed with children and wonder... what the SKIES am I doing here!!!??? I have many wagons.. yet this small tribe of my blood all want to congregate in one.... MINE !! This one fighting with that one.. this one poking that one.. this one taking that one's item... This one pulled that one's hair.... UGH!! I need time away ! I am losing myself in a sea of little red heads.
Please warm weather hurry up... I need a long soak in a gentle stream....
... alone.

Page 542 ~ Under the watchfull eye

Sitting by the stream.. enjoying the quiet of late.. I really didnt pay much attention to anything around me. I heard the water.. I felt the stabbing chill of air as it crept under the layers of fur draped over me. I am numb. I think its the isolation. There has been no contact with anyone of the Harigga in a long time. Perhaps this unbearable cold winter keeps them all inside... within the safety of their wagons... but not me. I cant stand being cooped up. So.. sitting by the stream has become a time of reflection for me. And... a reflection up and slapped me in the face tonight. It came in the form of Shi. Why? I dont know. He always had this uncanny way of knowing when I was thinking about Him.. or perhaps.. needing Him. But in any case.. He showed up. Just.. checking on me. So.. I lied... or tried to. But He saw right through it. The conversation was neither joyous or enlightning. I felt like I had nothing to say to Him. I know He felt it too. Yet.. I have to keep my distance from Him. I cannot hurt Him anymore... Ive done that enough in the past. I failed Him... and I failed me. Just seeing Him standing there as He looked at me... made it hurt all over again. He will always be my oldest and dearest friend.. and I will always love Him.. perhaps more than I should. He is the Father of some of my children and He will forever hold a piece of my heart... but... well enough said. Im growing tired of things... and increasingly aggitated. Its time.. for a ride..................

Page 541 ~ Watching from a distance

Days keep passing. Days turn into weeks... weeks into months... months into years. I find little time.. or perhaps interest in writing anymore. The only thing I can concentrate on is the children. If not for them... I'd have left this life long ago. Them and well Ash. It is hard.. not seeing much of Him other than when He sleeps. His warmth beside me night after night.. His firm yet gentle grip kept on an arm or leg... or even the light resting of a hand to my back or hip... allows me a few moments rest in the dark cold of night. If I am lucky to gain an Ahn of sleep when He is beside me... I know I jolt awake the moment the chill hits me when He leaves in the early morning Ahn's. Even beneath the cover of many furs... I am cold without Him. The only thing that remains is a feeling of the outline of His hand where it rested.. or the touch of His lips against mine as He kissed me goodbye for the day. He works too hard... much too hard in my opinion... but then again.. I am bias and wish more of His time to be spent with me. For this.. I cannot tell Him what it is that bothers me... because I know of His unbending will for Tribe above all. Sometimes... I tell myself it is Tribe above me... for that is truth. That is essentially what it is. As hard as it is... I am not the most important thing in His life. Or... so I had thought.
As fate would have it... tonight I was working on some medical journal's and tending to the dinner. I was fully engulfed in work.. keeping myself busy to ward off any ill idea's that would land me in hot water. I hadnt noticed Him arrive.. or the fact that for many Ehn's.. my Mate stood beside a wagon and watched me. Only after something I said to our youngest Son was repeated by Ash.. was I awakened to His presense. It is true.. part of me wanted to run to Him and squeeze the stuffing out of Him... yet.. that bitchy attitude brazen Wench part wanted to give Him a hard time and give back some of the hurt I was feeling. I wasnt nasty or mean.. just.. coy and cocky. Ash just laughed. This further infuriated me and I stood up with a wall between us. Damn Him. He cuts through me like a sword into hot butter. He needs no tools to get past that wall and into my space. He needs nothing more than His voice and that look He gives me. I had to break free of His gaze and get His dinner. I had to regroup and replan my attack or surely.. I would fall to His hand. So.. after getting His meal and drink I sat to a step beneath the one He took. Subjected to listening to Him.. I started to break. I had been a selfish bitch. I never thought of things the way He put them to me.. I didnt know.. or perhaps.. didnt care to remember.. just how much this Man loves me. In telling me.. Tribe above all... He said how He worked hard among the people day in and day out.. to make sure that things went well.. so that "His Silken" would be safe and protected within the circles. Skies... I felt like shit. I was guilty... guilty of being a heartless bitch who only thought about Herself. Yet.. He did not judge me or scold me for my emotions or reactions to such circumstances. Instead.. He embraced them and even apologized. *gulp* My heart sank deeper. I in turn apologized for acting how I did... and He smiled. If ever I was connected to someone.. it was Him. In the past I had only thought I was entwined in this life to a Mate.. I was lying to myself. I think I was well aquainted to the other's but on a different level. This time... it is for real. It goes deeper than I ever imagined could be. It is simple.. yet so complex. It is love and hate.. anger and contentment. Everything that could be expressed on an opposite spectrum of emotion ... and we bond tighter than a wet leather knot. How do I explain this to Him... to anyone?? I cannot. I can only be there when He needs warming at night.. I can make sure He is fed.. I can make sure I am there for Him when He needs me... and I can make sure that He knows.. I love Him. And.. I do.
Ive grown up and out in a totally different direction now. I am.. refined. Ohhhh I still have those rough and touch edges given the chance.. but I know I have someone to buff the sharp corners and mold me back into shape. I can wake up now every morning and be proud that I am His Mate. I can hold my head high and let other know that Im ok.
I may still faulter.. I may still slip into that dark abyss at times and wallow in self pity... but I have someone to reach a hand in and pull me out... brush off the dust and set me back on my feet. I love you Ash.
Its more than just red hair that brightens the day....
Its an inner light...
and yes...
you can see it now...
from a distance.

Page 540 ~ Timeless torment

I had packed this old journal away many moons ago. There was little time to sit and reflect on things as they happened. Much had changed... some has not. The people still thrive.. still work and play.. yet.. we have grown distant to those that once shared the warmth and fun of the first fires. The move came and went... more of habit than on orders. The Ubar has not been seen.. at least by me. I have not seen Tarra or Kam.. Fonce, Sev... or anyone for that matter. I wondered for the longest time if I had sleptwalked into another place.. another time or perhaps the outer wagons and just didnt know it. Everything around me is familar.. my wagons, my children and Ash... but those that filled it with the love of family and friendship.. seem to have all but disappeared.
I found the move to be.... lonely. With most gone... it is He that has taken up alot of the work and duties among the first fires. While I would never complain.. at least to Him for I know what He does ... He does out of love for the people.. I cannot deny how it makes me feel. Its not an abandonment type feeling.. but I do feel second to other things. Still... I press on. As I have always done... just a constant familar redheaded becon for those that may return to a familar spot.
The children grow strong and well. Each coming into their clan.. and into their own skin. They still hover over me at times when Im down... or just plain ole feeling sorry for myself. Ash's son, Bull talks up a storm when He is given the chance. I love to sit and listen to His tales and just smile at how much He reminds me of His Papa. He knows I miss His Father very much by the way I just hug and cuddle Him. Though now.. He squirms from me and claims that He is "jus too big ta be baby'in" With them all off on their own adventures of growth.. I am left with much time on my hands to wallow. If Ash were here... He'd be damned to let me sink like this. So... I do my best to keep my head above that abyss that always threatens to swallow me whole.
Tonight.. I think about the choices I made. Were they the right ones? Is this how its supposed to be? Ive asked this before.. Ive gotten advice... but...
this time...
there is no one around to talk to.