Page 548 ~ Full Circle

For some time now.. Ive been keeping secrets. Not any devistating kind of bombshell that would rock the world with repercussions or things of that sort. But the kind of secrets of thoughts and fears that culminate within this scattered brain of mine. The dreams Ive been having are... keeping me from sleeping a full night. Maybe Im just sleep deprived.. being up with Taeleah all hours and off my normal pattern. Maybe its the fact that so much time has passed and there was no sign of Ayg. And I knew that a decision would need to be made on the Greys. I also knew that Ash would be a canidate for those Greys. Ash was a great Ubar the last time He led the People. True.. He accepted the position before during a time of great turmoil... but what great leader didnt? Isnt the current leader the one that inherets all the bad stuff from the one before them? And are they not the one's that get blamed for current problems? Im not stupid. I know this. So... with all the dreams and now Ash accepting the Greys.... Im in mental and emotional meltdown. Believe it or not.. it was Seveya that kept me from opening up my mouth and saying something stupid when Fonce and Ash spoke last night. Somehow... just our shared looked .. comforted me. It helped that we spoke before the decision was offical. I felt Her... compassion and I felt for the first time in a long time that... someone had my back. Someone I could trust and count on and know that I could go to them if I needed to talk. She actually was giving me a chance... unlike some that will judge me right off the start line. I did not tell Sev this... not yet. But I will... soon as I get this puzzle of a brain back in order.
Am I scaired? Shit yes! Petrified ! Ive been on these plains and through countless Ubar's over the years. I DONT want this to turn out like them. I dont want to lose my Mate. I dont want to lose myself. Yet... I know that I cannot be selfish. Ash belongs to the People now. His time and His effort is theirs. Selfish? Yes... yes I am.
So... I started to think. My life began as a young Tuchuk. Free.. happy... wide eyed and ready to take the world on by the balls. Events unfolded and I was enslaved. First En Safora to the Ubar... then the tribe and then En Safora to the Law Giver... and eventually freed to take my place as His Mate. And Ive been free ever since. Since Hawks died and I was left to raise His twins alone... Ive had several other Mates and handfulls of children. Ive had my good times and Ive had bad times that embarass even myself. I just have to remember that... the past is what makes us who we are. None of us are perfect.. including myself. But everything Ive done.. good and bad.. molded me to who and what I am today. Besides Shanay and Dakota... Hawks left me with something I still carry with me to this day. He told me of the circle of life. He made sure I remembered and never forgot that everything comes full circle. Life and death. So... with Ash becoming Ubar... this means that my circle is growing to a close... coming complete. The is no more ring to move around... I am at the end. Once this run is over... to me... I believe it will be the end of me. My death.... for I have lived now this full circle. Skies... I cant put it into words.. exactly what I mean. I have it mapped out vividly in my mind and Ive lived by it forever... having never seen the end of my circle... until now. I have not shared this with any other living soul. No Mate prior and not even Ash. I know they will think me silly... I know they will say that I have pleanty of living to do after this. But I would not believe them. Its just... something inside me that tells me... this is my ending. The story was written long ago and now the ending must be completed. It is why... I told Ash that if He ever died.. or if He ever grew tired of me and left me... I would be no more. He is and will be the last Tuchuk to ever know Silken, the Mate. It is why... I could not die with Hawks the first time my heart was broken. The Sky stepped in and shook Her gnarled finger at me and laughed. "Not yet, little hawk" She said. When Steel was taken away in a time of War... when news of His death reached me years later... that I melted into my furs and remained there for weeks without food or water. She glared at me... "No.. still not yet, little hawk" It is why when Jerus was killed... I could not draw the dagger deep enough to drain myself of blood and go with Him. She grunted... shook Her head and snickered.. "There is more to do, little hawk" My wishes to go with them.... would not be granted. I know now.. why. It is because I had not come full circle with Her.
A circle goes on forever Silken. There is no starting point... no stopping point. Right???
I dare you to tell that to the Smithy that made it.