Page 539 ~ How can I believe.....

.... if it feels like a dream

But it wasnt. I knew when I felt the hair on my arms and neck stand that it was real. My look of surprise and the fanning of my vest from the pulse of heartbeat must have told Him I didnt believe. It was His voice in my ear that sent my world tipping to the side and had I not grabbed onto Him.. surely.. I would have fallen over. Had I missed Him.. was the question. And I had no way to show Him with words or actions.. it is too great a feeling.. a great vast emotion that I cannot fathom to explain.

Quickly.. I took the baby for His nap at my Mate's urging of needing to "be with me" Thankfully.. Bull was tired and didnt fuss. When I returned to Him to bask in the glory of His shadow.. standing before Him... I had released my hair to feather about my body. I know His love of my hair and I so love the feeling of His strong hands milking into the strands... to be pulled so my neck arches back.. exposing a cherished collum of throat. His kisses do more than excite me.. traveling the lenght of my neck.. to my shoulders and lower to more erotic places. As He speaks.. words meant to excite me.. as well as confuse me and make me think... I can barely breath. He knows this.. and it amuses Him. He enjoys how I become clay in His hands... to be molded and conform... and I love the position He places me in. For in those moments.. alone as a couple.. I am His. I love Him so. How do I tell you... I wonder and think hard. But my song would have to wait because I am being led into the wagon. The firebowl is lit.. casting a dance of flame throughout the area. I am bathed in the color of fire.. I am heated by not only the heat but the love within my Mate's gaze.

Gone are the moments I cursed Him for working so hard. I can only wait with baited anticipation for His touch. It comes in the form of words that though spoken with love are forcefull and demanding. I have no choice but to do as He wishes.. and I have no other wish than to please Him at this moment. How do I tell you that I love you this much?? Thinking.. as my clothing is removed. A split tick of time.. just a quick flash.. I am shy and timid.. standing before Him in a blanket of only my red hair. His voice then deep.. dark... intimidating.. bring me before Him. I can only look away. I dont deserve this.. I dont deserve Him. How? Please tell me how I can let you know... that I need you this much ! My silent wish answered by His kiss. A deep.. longing passionate kiss that makes my legs faulter. I held onto His arms... a leg lifted to brush the outside of His thigh... and now we float like a leaf on a gentle breeze to the softness of furs beneath us. As I looked up at Him while the moments again ticked away.. He teases me till I plead for Him to take me. It is not just sex... it is not just the culmination of the moment that I crave. It is Him. His essence. His soul.. mine.. joined. Lovers entwined and shared in something that cannot be given name. It is simply... together.

Time went on forever... and when we lay still wrapped around each other.. just a mass of arms.. legs... hair and torso's... I tried to think.. How do I tell you what you mean to me?? I thought hard.. I wrestled with emotions I cursed for boiling up in me. My indepth insight was broken by His words... so gently spoken.. so easily understood. "I love you Silken" He said.. stroking my back and grazing lenghts of my hair in His fingers.

And then I knew. I had the answer. I knew how I could tell Him. I knew what I could say that would let this Man know He was my world. He was my air. He was what I needed all along.

"I love you Ash"

It said..... everything.

Page 538 ~ And so I waited

and waited... and waited. Somehow I drew the strenght to not throw a fit while I sat and watched for Ash to return. For days... my routine was the same. Wake up.. find Ash gone already to the Forge.. take care of the kids... work.. then sit on the steps till I fell asleep "waiting" some more. Finally.. I could not take it anymore. I headed to the Forge.. and there in the door... I paused to watch my Mate hammering the steel that had been supplied to Him. Several times I saw His forearm rise to brush over His forehead and wipe beads of sweat from His flesh. I saw the flex of muscle and the strenght it took for Him to wield the hammers and tools. I saw concentration... determination.. and pride in His work. Everything I had been feeling.. the anger.. fustration... left me in a blink of my eyes and to fill that void was inserted guilt. Guilt that I had been feeling so selfish in my plight to spend time with Him that I'd forgotten that other's counted on Him.

For awhile I watched in the shadow of night near the doorway. A smile that had been surpressed for sometime now did creep onto my lips. I felt somewhere in my chest.. perhaps in that heart of mine that although He was elsewhere.. He was with me. Thinking of me in the dark recesses of His own mind... and for that moment I was comforted. Before He could see me... I turned and left. I did not want to bother or disturb Him.. or sidetrack His concentration with my presense. My steps were slow as I headed back to the gathering of wagons and sat on the steps for alittle while.. all the time.. the picture of my Ash working so hard kept flashing through my visions.

Guilt

It was eating me up.

I wanted to run to Him... to tell Him I was sorry for everything I had been thinking. I wanted to appologize for wanting to yell and scream at Him for neglecting me. I wanted to throw myself on the ground and thrash myself for ever thinking of swatting Him upside the head for ignoring me. I did none of these things. Instead.. I headed to the stream to wash up. If my Mate was to return to our furs to rest and sleep.. I would make sure that His Woman was dirt free... hair smelling pretty and the rest of me as wonderful as He makes me feel. I knew I would be long past asleep in our furs when He returned. And lately He did not wake me. Instead He simply pulled me against Him and held me like precious cargo. Tightly yet lovingly. Even in my sleep I sigh as He does so... finally feeling that security in His grasp. Nothing would ever harm me with Him there. Nothing could penetrate the barrier of protection and love He gives me. Though He is exhausted.. He still finds the moments to brush my hair from my face and kiss me.

In the morning.. I can still feel the warmth of His embrace around me. I can only hope to one day wake with the real thing wrapped around me. But for now.. I will have to find the strenght and comfort in just knowing He was there... and He cared.

How ever long that takes...

I will wait.

Page 537 ~ Moody blues

I havent felt much like writing these days. Who has the time? The kids and I are readily busy preparing for the move... and with a seven month old crawling about.. tugging on everything and getting into whatever else He can find. Bull is a good baby. Tempered like His Father.. which Im lucky. Calm.. yet assertive. My attitude hasnt reared it's ugly head in Him much.... yet. But... I also find myself rather blue. I dont know why.. though.. I have an idea. There is a reason Ash has not requested I take the sip root. He wants more children. Cant say that I blame Him. They are simply.. awesome. We may not have time for much socializing and chatting these days... yet.. we always find time.. in the quiet of our furs to remind each other of the love shared between us. I try to stay awake until He returns to the wagon each night... but mostly I am asleep. That doesnt mean I dont wake up when He climbs into the furs beside me... or.. He wakes me up with kisses and caresses.

Im almost positive Im pregnant again. At my age... young as I am... it's hard to tell. A Woman's cycle can go off kilter after having a child... and due to other factors. So... Im waiting... just a bit longer to see for sure. I could be two moons along already. I do have a small bump... but that could be left over from Bull. Its just hard to tell. Bull is now drinking regular milk... and eating mushed up foods. I dont have to nurse Him anymore. So I believe within the next few weeks... I will be certain.

Then there is that glow that a Woman has when She is with child. Mine is alot brighter.. since my hair just seems to shine like a raging inferno of flame when Im pregnant. I think Im down... because I know I may well be heavy with child when the move is upon us. It is hard enough to make it into the cold season and do this journey being healthy and all. Pretty sure that is why I am keeping to myself. I dont handle "worry" all that well.... but I think its about time Ash does some of it for me. I might just have to tell Him soon... if He hasnt begun to notice the changes already. I dont want Him worrying about me... I dont want His mind drifting anymore than does now while He is at the Forge. I dont want Him worrying about me on the trail. Well.. maybe just alittle. He's so cute when He does. And the smile He gets... when His hand lays over my swollen stomach.. just makes me all... warm inside. Yeah... those are good things. Things to hold onto. Things to make me smile. And I cant wait to see His smile when He finally realizes... He's gonna be a Papa again.

Im not so blue anymore.

Page 536 ~ Swift and "usual"? punishment?

Justice? Could be. My own absentminded transgression cost me my day in court. I never expected Ash to leave the Forge early today. I wasnt trying to hide from Him... if that be the case... I would have locked myself in the wagon.. away from prying eyes. But.. I didnt. I finished up a days work.. tired.. tense.. and still mulling over things in my head. Not a good combination to begin with. I wanted a drink... something more flavorful than water.. nothing as sweet as juice. There was always that wine... ick. Wine.. personally I think that a drink for dwellers. Ladies in slippers and robes with their pinky fingers propped up.. sipping from ornate goblets. I cant get into it.. in any way shape or form. This.. left me with two choices. Milk? or.. paga. Milk somehow turned my stomach at the thought. I'd been drinking so much lately... and making trip after trip to get fresh for Bull. I dont know why... but I dug out my trusty old silver cup. The dented and banged up cup that Ive always used until Ash came along. I found a bota of paga .. fresh from the barrel's.. hanging on a peg. Skies help me... I faultered and poured a small cupfull. That little voice in my head was screaming.. "Danger!! Danger!! Aboutface!" I shoulda listened. But I didnt. reasoned with myself... saying I had tried to find time to speak to Ash... to even ask Him.. or beg if I had to... to allow me just a small cup of the brew. In the end.. I sat on the steps of the wagon and endulged in my small pleasure.

Enter Ash.

See Silken flounder and panic.

My cup was quickly stashed behind me... to my coughing and choking on the mouthfull I'd just taken. I was dead. I knew it. He'd smell it on me. But I tried.. and failed.. in hiding it from Him. Why? I aint stupid... I knew He'd throttle me. Ohhhh I tried backpeddling. Didnt work. I tried smarting off to Him. Big mistake. In the end... I was yanked over His knee and my backside was aired out. This was a one time moment where I cursed those large.. heavy hands of His. They met my flesh in a rain of swats that left me squirming and cringing. I yelped my protest.. I think I might have growled... after the first few I was shivering with the burn. When He finally stopped... I not only felt the heat in my ass... but I saw the handprints born and raised to my punishment. Ouch. He said He wasnt mad.. but the punishment would be swift. Well thank the Skies!! Sarchastic comment there. I thought it was over. Swift.. as He stated. But boy was I wrong. Next came a bota. He held my nose and began pouring. Paga. Of course. Great. I spit what I could out... until He filled and then wedged my mouth closed till I had no choice but to swallow or breathe. My stomach protested the heavy brew immediately. Ash... just... kept.. pouring. Until that bota was empty and I was full. He called Jax over. Said for Him to get me to the wagon where I would stay. Bring buckets. Poor Jax.. soon as I was lifted and I felt the slosh of my stomach.. well... I lost what paga had just topped me off on His leg and into His boot. He groaned. Now that I think back on it.. it makes me laugh. How He squished His way back to the wagon with me under His arm. I was set to the furs.. given a few buckets and left to my own accord. I did wretch twice... ridding myself of the rest of the thick drink. And I was left with a throbbing pain in my head as well as my ass.

Jax sent tanya in to clean up. The girl brought me a wet cloth for my head and asked if I wanted anything. My reply was a sharp no. Just the thought of anything stronger than water made me want to gather up another bucket and insert my head.

I needed sleep. Lying to the furs and thanking the Skies for the cool night breeze that brushed across me. I wouldnt try to see or speak to Ash tonight. I'd search Him out tomorrow for our aftermath talking to.

I had alot of work ahead of me.

Ass-kissing and major sucking up to do.

or is that.. Ash-kissing?

Page 535 ~ Priority Male

Days had passed... and I hadnt seen Ash. I knew the work load placed on Him. The rings for the barrels needed to be finished. The wagon pieces and parts needed to be started. Weapons needed repairs and new one's needed to be made. The list was endless. I wondered just where I fit into that list.. given Ash's undying devotion to Tribe First. I didnt ask Him.. or send a message that hey... Im part of that Tribe... could ya spare a few Ehn for me. No. This time.. for the first time ever in my life.. I stepped back and just let it be. No ranting and raving... no fits... no temper tantrums. I just... accepted. I dont know why. I cant explain it.

It doesnt change what I wish could be... which is time with Him. Maybe I just dont have the energy to put up a fight like I use to. Its not that I dont care either. I do. It still tears at me... to try and find a few moments with Him... because He does make me feel good. Could it be that Ive finally matured past that fly off the handle bitch that would rather bite than bark? Again.. I have no answers. I know the catalyst is Ash. For whatever reason... He has calmed me down. Sometimes worse than kanda ever did. I know that I work hard to please Him and not be a thorn in His side. I know that if I let myself go and swap back to the old Silken... He will be burdened with the warnings and words of other's about my shortcomings. I dont think I could handle having to explain myself for things I am capable of doing. Not with Him. He means... just that much to me. I dont ever want to feel the disappointment from Him.. I dont ever want to see the question in His eyes. I just cant find a happy medium.

So.. with this in mind... I went out in search of my Mate. I had broken my dagger... the old one Ive carried since I was little. Well had since I was little. There was a time when I could not carry it but it was kept in safe keeping for me. The blade was old... dented, bent... nicked up. I really wasnt concerned about that. It is the handle that means more to me than anything. It was decorated by my Father... for me. The symbols are elaborate but only I know what each piece says. But as I used it the night before last... cutting bone from a piece of meat... the blade simply snapped at the hilt.. and was now of no use. I considered retiring it.. but I just could not part with it. This is where Ash would come in play. I was off to the Forge.. arriving to speak with one of the Iron Workers when I could not find Ash. He told me Ash had not been around. I was a bit put out.. and took a seat outside... kinda.. lost in the clouds as to where to go and what to do next. I even considered eating the snack I had brought Him. Moments later.. Ash did arrive.. speaking with another Warrior about a delivery of steel to begin the work on the move North. I thought He would walk right by me... and He did... but paused and looked back. Almost like He couldnt believe it was me there. Finally He did come over and we exchanged our greetings. Not the one I wanted.. would have prefered a sweeping up off my feet and into His arms for a kiss... but I did get a kiss to the forehead eventually. He said He was sorry for being so busy.. to which I told Him.. It is His duty. But what struck me hard was the list He called... Priorities. Lower and higher priorities. I made the mistake of letting that fire loose and telling Him I guess I was a lower priority. He rambled on at first.. and then asked why I felt that way. I did not want to argue with Him... or get into some indepth discussion about my wants and needs. Besides... I could tell His mind was elsewhere... on work... on duty. So I bottled up my need... and handed over my beloved dagger... asking if He could fix it. I had changed the subject... not necessarily on purpose.. but it suited the moment. He turned His attention to my dagger and told me He would do His best to fix it.

I did finally get my kiss... even though it was in parting ways once more.

I would think more on this priority thing... as I walked away. I watched the clouds roll by... I watched the people scuttle about... and as I returned to my wagon to delve into work... I asked myself outloud...

"Does He know He is my priority?"

I am at a loss.

Musings

How can I convince you what you see is real

Who am I to blame you for doubting what you feel

I was always reachin', you were just a guy I knew

I took for granted the friend I have in you

I was living for a dream, loving for a moment

Taking on the world, that was just my style

Now I look into your eyes I can see forever,

the search is over

You were with me all the while

Can we last forever, will we fall apart

At times it's so confusing, these questions of the heart

You followed me through changes and patiently you'd wait

Till I came to my senses through some miracle of fate

I was living for a dream, loving for a moment

Taking on the world, that was just my style

Now I look into your eyes I can see forever,

the search is over

You were with me all the while

Now the miles stretch out behind me

Loves that I have lost

Broken hearts lie victims of the game

Then good luck it finally struck

Like lightning from the blue

Every highway leading me back to you

Now at last I hold you, now all is said and done

The search has come full circle

Our destinies are one

So if you ever loved me

Show me that you give a damn

You'll know for certain

The woman I really am

I was living for a dream, loving for a moment

Taking on the world, that was just my style

Then I touched your hand,

I could hear you whisper

The search is over,

love was right before my eyes

Page 534 ~ Silent message

So I was feeling pretty down on myself. Rotten terrible to be exact. Ash never returned from the Forge last night. I had gotten it into my head that it was because of me... because He was so angry and disappointed. Once I got all the kids to sleep and Bull had been fed... I exited the wagon and asked Jax to listen for the kids. I promised that I would not be gone long or go far. He asked where I was going and I told Him to the Forge. He nodded... He knew my promises were real and what I said I meant. But He added that Ash was not at the Forge. I kinda frowned... though I wanted to ask where He was... perhaps I really didnt want to know. I could only once again let the images run wild of Him banging some slut off in the darkness... since I didnt peak His interest. So.. I didnt ask.. I only nodded and told Jax once again... I promise to be back quickly.

Taking a small lantern... I wove the rows till they parted to the open area where the Forge was based. The fires created a warm aura around the place and I could see Ash's interns inside.. working the shit shift through the night. I kept very quiet so as not to alert them to my presense. Behind the Forge.. between it and the stream that ran the lenght of the plains.. there were a few old tem's. Wood is a valuable commodity among Tuchuk's... and they would not be cut down unless they died. There was a peg hammered into one of the tree's to which Men would hang bota's or tools.. sometimes vests... as they worked outside on projects or the likes. Many times... I had hung a bota or a satchel of lunch for Ash there.. as a reminder that I was thinking about Him. Tonight... I was going to leave something more.. profound... to let Him know just how much.. I needed Him. I hung the oil lamp on the peg and took out my dagger. Carefully and slowly.. I took the point of my blade to the bark of the tem. I made sure I did not cut to deep or engrave my design too hard that the tem would reject it and begin to die. I was cautious... but I was happy with the outcome.

When Ash reported to work in the morning and went to hang His bota or His vest on the peg... He would see my message. There would be no doubt who had left it.. and no doubt of it's message. Scrolled into the bark of the tem was a heart... with the words etched inside.. "I Love You"

I could tell Him over and over these words everyday... but something perhaps about seeing them... might show Him that I meant them. And... that I was honestly and truely sorry.

And I was.

When I returned back to the fires as promised... Jax asked if everything was alright. I tried a smile and nodded. "It will be.... I hope." He also nodded "Dont give up Silken. Trial and error... you'll find your way again." He said. I thanked Him with a kiss to the cheek. He gently cupped mine and then gave me a turn towards my sleeping wagon. I headed into the darkness after extinguishing the oil lamp and undressed. I brushed my hair out... even though any idea of Ash returning tonight was pushed aside... if in the chance He did... I wanted to still look beautiful for Him. I was surely excited for morning to come... wondering of Ash's reaction to my art. I wondered if He would leave the Forge to come see me.. or if He would still be so angry that it would mean nothing.

I wondered if He might ever again see me as beautiful... and find me worthy of His attention and His love.... I could.. at this point....

only hope.

Page 533 ~ Wet dream

At first... the dripping blended in with my dream. Then it became a more steady flow of water and I heard the words once more. "Wake up" Tainted with a tad bit of anger. I sat up.. cleared the water that had begun to trail down my eyes and cheeks like tiny rivers and found Ash standing over me with a now empty bota of water. Yeah well... I guess I deserved that. But I dont think I deserved the lashing and the words that followed the rest of the night. I told Him I was sorry for being out so long... kinda leaving the "lost" part out.. cause I was alittle embarassed. It was a volley of words back and forth between us. Most of what He said really cut me down and hurt. I guess I deserved that too... but not the distance He put between us. Im so not use to that kind of... punishment... if that's what it was. If it wasnt a punishment... then it was just plain ole cruel. I dont know what to think or do at this point. And it just got worse when He wanted me to say something that I didnt see as valid. I mean.. I saw His side.. and I knew my side... and admitting one was right and one was wrong seemed pointless. I did not omit information because I didnt trust Him. I just didnt think to tell Him things that really werent important at the time. Ash isnt a chit chatter... or one to listen to idle prattle. So.. not telling Him full details of certain things just didnt cross my mind as a trust issue. Skies... Ive told this Man things that Ive never told anyone in all my years. And I told Him because I trusted Him to hold these things near and dear. Doesnt He remember those things? Didnt that tell Him I trusted Him?

Now what do I do?

I tried to tell Him again I was sorry. I told Him from now on I would not leave out any details. But He still kept twisting that blade in my gut more and more. I felt awful. I felt sick and I felt.... about as big as an Urt. Finally I had about all I could stand and told Him that I loved Him... but I wasnt going to do these rounds with Him anymore. I knew what I did wrong. I understood... but I wasnt getting into a battle of wits any further. He wants to be right? Fine... He is right. Stop the reinforcement of my mistake... and TRUST ME to know I get it. Because I do.

I walked from the wagon to make dinner for our children. I was quiet... dumbfounded. And I didnt want to see Ash right now.

Why?

Because I know that I love Him so much.... that displeasing Him and argueing with Him hurts more than being away from Him.

Figures.

Page 532 ~ Escort service

As I walked... I rubbed my arms to keep warm. It was not bitter cold.. just not the warmth of air as we had been accustomed too in the summer months. One could tell the time of change was near. Warm days.. chilly nights. Had I planned on being out there into the night.. I would have brought a wrap. But... I had just my vest and leathers.. nothing more. I was starting to get thirsty.. but knew if I kept walked eventually I would run into the Outriders. And I did. One lone Man who seemed rather stunned that I was out here.. alone.. and unarmed with more than a few daggers. It bothered me that I had lost my way somewhat... and bothered me more the barrage of questions I received from the OR. I simply stated I was out looking for my kaiila... a last ditch effort to find it before the move. I told Him who I was.. and that I was the Mate of Ashoak. He seemed to chuckle and then reached down with an arm for me to saddle up behind Him. I accepted... knowing I needed to get back before I was in worse trouble with Ash.

We rode for a few Ahn's and finally returned to the muted sounds of a sleeping camp. I dismounted the OR's beast and started towards my personal wagons when I noticed the Outrider trailing me. I kept turning to look over my shoulder... He just smiled and followed along. Once I reached my wagons.. He held His mount and slid from the saddle. A rather intense... kinda on the angry side of pissed Jax emerged from the shadows and just glared at me. I gave Him a smile.. intent on weasling my way from this with it.. but He just stared me down in silence before heading off to speak with the OR. While they spoke... I looked around and saw no signs of life other than a fire in the main camp... to which.. I moved to and began to warm my hands. Jax and the OR clasped a handshake and the Man left. I then became aware of a hand on my elbow.. escorting me rather firmly to my sleeping wagon. Jax was silent... this was never good.. so I whispered. "Everything ok?" He grunted and pushed me up the steps by the arm. When I reached the top of the platform and peeked inside... I saw it was empty within. "Where's Ash?" I said.. looking to Jax. "Out looking for YOU!" He growled. Eeps. "Sorry.. I guess I should go find Him..." I said.. and in turning Jax gave a firm No! And told me that the OR was going to get Him and let Him know I was safe and back at the wagons. He then just gave me a small shove... with the words.. "Inside... warm up and try to rest till He returns" I could only nod. This had not been my intention... but sometimes... I was still scatterbrained when it came to dealing with emotion and resolve of issues. Jax told me before He closed the door that everything was ok. Bull was fine.. and the rest of the children were sleeping. This gave me alittle piece of heart to nod and sit near the fire bowl to warm up.

Laying curled near the small warmth of flame.. I drifted to sleep lightly. Trying to remain aware of approaching sounds. But I must have missed the steps He took.. or He perhaps snuck in silently... because the next thing I knew my shoulder was being grasped and I heard Ash's voice as a shake was given to it....

"Wake up"

Too late to play dead.

Page 531 ~ If your happy and you know it......

...... run away.

I cant deal with it... this whirling mist of emotions that seizes me like a vise Ash uses in the forge. One moment Im calm... the next Im sad.. the next utterly happy and the next pissed off so bad I want to kill. I dont fucking get it ! ! ! He tells me to tone it down.. but then it's too much... like the walking dead. Then perhaps I need to loosen up... but oh wait ! Not that much... we need to find a happy medium for Silken. Something in the grey area. Hmmmm. The grey area? Why is this perverbial area grey in the first place? Why not.. green... or yellow.. or orange... or my favorite red. Cause damnittadusts... Im seeing red now.

We slipped into dangerous territory when it comes to me. My reliance on promises made and promises kept. Im a big keeper of that. When I promise someone something... I will force myself with all my heart to fight tooth and nail to see I can fullfill it. Why dont they understand that I was never given the chance to do this last time?? Why doesnt Ash see that this is more than guilt or pride... but something deeper? And He just pissed me off... saying.. its over.. forget about it. Its done and gone.

Fuck

Im not like that.

Skies.... I love the Man.. but sometimes.... I want to pop His bloody head off His shoulders.. shake out the shit between His ears and snap it back on. Ash is.. different then anyone Ive ever been Mated to. He is strong and loving... but He does not bend to my ways.. most of the time. I know that lately things have been strained with Him working so much at the Forge. Its not to say that I am unhappy... Skies no. I am happy. I could say that Im longing to have time with Him... and just Him... to share in things that only Mates could. That only.. I share with Him. But... it isnt possible now. I walk to the Forge and peek in at Him when He isnt looking.... watching how He works. Watching the ripple of muscle in His arms and chest as they mold the metal He loves to work with. Ive even been guilty of daydreaming about His hands on me... working me into that sculpture of perfection for His eyes. It makes me blush just thinking about it.

But.....

Back to the now. Yeah... Im pissed. And I told Him so. I dont think He has ever seen that part of me that emerged. I felt my pupils dialate when He pushed the wrong button and told me "Its over.. Its done... gone" That I should give up on my promise. And when I told Him never... never speak that to me again... and turned to leave... He said something that did not even register in my brain. Words that floated on the breeze did not even reach my ears for thought. Bull was with Aunt.. the children with tanya... and I kept walking. Straight out onto the plains. Had I found my kaiila... I would have ridden... but I walked.. and walked... ran alittle... growled and screamed. What a sight to the passing outriders I musta been. Finally.. I came upon a knoll about two or three Ahn's from the main fires. I could still see outriders siloutted in the dying light of night. Soon small fires would crop up to let me know where they stationed for the evening. I wasnt scaired... but I was cold. I didnt light a fire myself.. because I just... did not want to be found. They knew where I was.... that was enough.

I sat there as more Ahn's clicked the night away. Bad thing to let me brood. Even worse to let me sulk. With no outside input to listen too... I conclude my own decisions which... usually turn out to be very bad in judgement. Snap decisions... unrealized rational's. Hurt me... Im gonna hurt you back type shit. And then the grudge festers... boils under my skin till I explode and unleash a side of me that even terrifies me.

I tried so damn hard to get out of this mind frame. I thought about Ash... His hands... how I love His hands. His hair.. His eyes and His strenght... especially when His arms are around me protectivly. Or even the gentle touches to my hair. I thought about Bull.. and then guilt set in. He would be getting hungry... and even though I started Him on milk to help ease His hunger... I knew He needed me... and here I was Ahn's away from Him.

It was then that I rose to head back. I knew the direction but something struck me odd. I noted.... not a single camp fire among the outriders this night. I started to turn around.. looking for those dots of light and saw nothing. Almost paniced.. I spun so fast in my search and changed direction so much... I began disoriented and lost my bearings. Clouds covered the stars... I had no map. Fear set in.

Now cold and somewhat lost in direction... I ventured out to walk. Figuring I would soon run into an Outrider that could guide me back.

Only problem was......

I was headed in the wrong direction......

Further away from the Harigga.

Just great.

Page 530 ~ What's that sound?

I dunno... but it hurts.

Ive fallen into a quiet routine. Comfortable... calming. Lil Bull grows bigger every day.. as if that was possible. He is already a hellion, a good mix of Ash and myself.. but full of fire and spirit. Wants what He wants.. when He wants it and wants it yesterday. Even when Im sleeping and He wakes up.. I can pretty much feed Him without fully opening my eyes. Instinct. More so a Mother's intuition.. its a beautiful thing.

I look down on Bull alot... as He lays in my arms. I see Ash in His eyes and mouth. He has my nose and facial shape. He has my flame colored hair but Ash's wavy contour. He has Ash's calming sense of awareness and my shoot from the hip attitude. Ahhhh..... I missed this time with Vee and Ess.. being how they were taken away from me.... but each day I find a way to subtly make it up to them.. but for me.. it will forever be missing.. even if they dont remember. I will. I notice also as Bull lays there nursing... the quiet. Only the sound of His soft breathing against my flesh. Then a more prominate sound creeps into my awareness. The beating of my heart. I dont remember hearing it so profound before. Maybe I just never paid attention... maybe it never had this rhythm to it... I cant fully explain it. But when I do take note of it... it starts to hurt. Not in a pain sort of way... more like an ache or a longing. More and more I realized that... it was not saddness... but... happiness that made this happen. No sooner did it slap me in the face with a Howdie-do.. wake the fuck up.. than today. Ash just.. showed up and there when my lil heart all pitter-patter.. ouchie. I happened to be... talking to my slave logan when He did. Immediately I handed the reins over to Him... I trusted Him to do what was right. He did.. and more so. I did not argue the fact that this girl had been mine for so long... but now was His. I did not even mention it for I assumed He knew it. Why would I ever think such? Me? The one that always tried to remain an individual and never give into the thought of a Man being.. over me? A Man being my better? Yet... today... I just gave her up without a fight. Like it was natural and hoo-hah.. big deal. I actually.. kinda liked it.. how He just stepped in and took over. Wasnt so bad. Actually... conveinent. I took the time to feed Bull while Ash spoke with the girl. To my surprise.. He suddenly began to shave her head bald. Now... I know logan is a pissbucket. Much like me.. but I couldnt believe the events that next unfolded. The girl actually.... liked it! Well like is a subtle word. She actually... was getting off on it. That.. DID.. bother me. But I had Bull in my arms.. her only saving grace from the slobbering and soaking down of Ash's boots. Any other time... I would have jumped up and thrown a hissy fit for someone doing that to my property. But this time... it didnt bother me. The bitch was His after all.. and if it pleased Him to do it ... well.. then.. it pleased me.

What the fuck is happening to me????!!!!!

Did I just say that? Really? It pleased me??? If it pleased Him?

No.... I dont get it.

So I put Bull down for a nap with Aunt and left to go soak in the stream. I need to think. But I really need answers.

Damn it... why?

Why did I hafta fall in love with someone so profound and different than me.

More so... how did He do it? How did He get inside.. deeper than anyone else and break down the wall that no one ever could.

Simple.

He cared. He loved.

And so do I.

Page 529 ~ Tap the Keg

Bull. Hungry lil guy. Like His Papa... demands His meals on time. Likes to drink.. alot. Doesnt care that the kegs are running dry.. and lets us all know when they float. He gives me a look like.. well? Tap another Woman... Im hungry!! So... I get fustrated and try some diluted bosk milk.. I mean come on!! I need time to replentish the supply for Skies sake. When this works... it is good. Because Ash can feed the baby and I can get more than one Ahn of uninterupted sleep. Im stuck between sleeping and or eating and drinking to refuel. Sleep usually wins. I have relearned the art of dozing while Bull nurses. I lay on my side with Him craddled beside me.. pretty good till I need to switch sides. But that also comes naturally to clutch Him to my chest and roll over on my back.. settle Him in and back to snoozin'.

On such an occasion tonight.. I was doing so at the fires of our wagon. Ash had returned from the Forge and surprised us with an early visit. I can see the sleeplessness in His face also. We talked for alittle bit while Bull finished His meal and then fell asleep. I was cranky, but not nasty cranky. Just somber. I had been thinking about all the time I missed with Vee and Ess when Shi took them away. I had such hopes for Bull.. and I had sworn to Him that I would make sure I was always there for Him. It was these thoughts and my state of exhaustion that let me slip back to that time when the twins were taken away from me. It was such a vivid flashback that when Ash took Bull from my arms and sensed something wrong that my defenses rose up and I was thrown back to that exact moment in time when the boys were being pulled from me. There was no one else there.. just me. I felt every emotion that I could not voice or show then. I was pounding on Ash's back... screaming not to take my baby. But as quick as the vision appeared... it also retreated. How many years had I bottled up that memory? Had to be almost three. I appologized profusely. Ash didnt understand.. and I really didnt have the words to explain it. I tried.. several times and in the end I hope He understood. The mind plays terrible tricks on you when your exhausted. Aunt had offered to take the baby and the youngin's for the night. I told Her that I had to check with Ash... since Bull was His son. Much as I didnt believe it... I knew that my rights as His Mother only applied to feeding Him when He needed it. Something that bothers me more this time around.

Ash had to leave again. A small job needed His attention. I am very concerned about our lack of time together since all these jobs have come up with the move nearing closer everyday. I was mad... alittle at Him for assuming things that werent true. And I was furious at myself for allowing those memories to become playable. The children bunked up with Aunt. And She was having a blast with them.. so I decided to wait in our wagon for my Mate to return. I waited a few Ahn before bordum and sleep won over my desire to see Him.

I know He was there... His side of the furs were still warm when I woke up. I could only gather them up and hold them against me.. taking in His scent with a sigh. I missed Him so much.

I gave Jax a hollar... told Him to bring the baby back to me. I needed to have at least a part of Ash against me. Something to keep the connection alive. While I waited... I held onto those furs.

But they didnt hold me back.

Page 528 ~ Natural Born Bully

I had every intent on attending the meeting last night. But it seemed the Sky had another plan for me. It started with me going to the kaiila pens to try and find Red. I had to move around... and this seemed a chore that would not upset anyone by my doing it. It was harmless. The pain in my back was becomming worse.. resting just made it more evident. So I walked. And walked. And walked. I wondered of the size of this baby more and more. Something was different. I wont say something was wrong... it was just.. unlike another child Ive carried. So.. In a way.. finding Kaeli and Ash and Cana at the pens.. was a small relief. I was able to speak to Kaeli and asked Her to check the baby for me. With my size.. I was unable to move my hands around my belly the right way to check things. She did so... and what happened during this.. changed the course of the night. She and Ash began teasing me. Kae said She heard three.. maybe more heartbeats. At least two for sure. Ash teased that six is what He heard. I was thrown into a panic. My emotions raced across the plains and I was ready to take a flying leap of the nearest moving wagon. That is... until Tarra arrived. She is always there when I need Her... this moment was no different. If I had subconsciously called Her or She just picked up on my need... She arrived and entered the wagon. There was no big drama... no fanfare.. She just did Her thing. I could tell by Her smile that everything was fine...... For now.

She announced... one huge baby. A boy. With a great set of lungs and a mouth like.... His parents. We both assumed Ash of course. Could not have been me. No. Not likely. Ash and Tarra got into their usually bit of tossing insults back and forth which.. normally amuses me. But tonight.. I was on edge. When I went to sit up... it hit me. A stabbing pain.. muscles contracting and my air left my lungs. Kaeli insisted I stay in Her wagon... but I was hell bent on attending the Ubar's meeting. Ash and Kae lost the battle and I was slowly making my way to the group. I tried to sit still.. I tried to keep quiet. Nothing worked. I watched Fonce and Ayg planning escape routes and wanted to deck them both. Did they actually have the balls to think I would allow anything to happen among the group of people? I was pissed. It boiled down to me finally telling Ash to get Tarra. And She arrived quickly so we could get to the birthing area that I had set up. Now for Ash being such a big strong Warrior.. I could see the panic in His eyes... this led to Him calling Kae for assistance while Tarra did what She does in quiet thought. Then came the trouble. The reason for the excess pain. Yes.. a large baby boy.. but He was turned in such a way He was breetch.. as Kaeli put it. It took some time and both our assistance to get the child into the right position that He might be born. I was far past exhausted with doing this. Its not easy to push something around that doesnt have room to do so in the first place. Several times I was in tears... screaming and feeling like ribs had broken and my lungs were bruised from kicks and twists. Yet that little Tuchuk came into the world with a war cry that echoed throughout the camp. Ash was speechless as He brought His son into the air from the warmth of the womb. And lifted Him to the Sky.. offering Him for protection and strenght and growth with His people. As much as this was my important moment to witness... Ash had His own. Not even known to me until that moment. He brought His son back to me... and lay His son to my chest. His moment was the bonding of Mother and Son... the initial first feeding that would forever bind us as family. I cant say for sure.. but I think there was a tear in Ash's eyes.. watching His son quiet and calm.. nursing from my breast. We sat in silence.. in awe of such a gift. And in quiet amazement at the sheer size of this baby. In counting the moons eariler with Kaeli.. tracking back to the fire and how far along I was then... we had calculated that He was due to be born at full term within the next hand. But with His size.. and the pain I was having.. it wasnt a surprise He decided to come tonight. He was healthy.. ready to become a Tuchuk and that was all there was to it.

I had made two basket of cookies and breads.. jams and jellies eariler this day. Something told me to. I gave one to Kaeli and the other to Tarra. Kaeli's daughter had brought a gift for the baby. A small bow and arrows which Ash accepted. I will send Her something later.. for the moment was just too overwhelming to think of anything but our new son. The two left.. leaving Ash and I and the new baby alone. We sat for Ahn's just looking at Him.. touching Him... and reveling in the joy. Eariler I had called the baby Bosk. He was as big as one. As big as a Bull. Kae asked if this would be His milk name.. Bosk. I didnt mind it.. but I thought Bull would be better... and I had a reason for this. Ash stepped right into my plan... saying His son would be known as Bull Ley. I couldnt help but chuckle. Yes. Bull Ley... Bully. The boy who will knock the other's down and steal their cookies. The boy who will dominate and pillage and plunder. It made me laugh.

But right now... this night.. He was just our baby boy. Ash and Silks son. The next generation of Tuchuk.

First Wily... now Bull of the Tuchuk.

Fitting.. dontcha think?

Page 527 ~ Growing pains

I saw the look in Ash's eyes tonight. I saw.. pride. I saw.. beauty. I saw me. Damn Him for always finding a way thru the darkness to reach in and pull me out. I still swear that I am more comfortable in that darkness.. deep down in the abyss where nothing can touch me. But Ive also had a taste of life and living the way it should be... and I want that too. He mentioned finding a happy medium. I only hope there is such... and I can be a part of it.

Now... Ive seen the look in Men's eyes... watching their Mate's as they carry their unborn child. Ive seen my own Mate's over the many years and many children.. but none can compare to Ash. Perhaps each is different and that is what I am seeing. But for me.. for this moment.. this is profound. The touch of His fingers against my belly... the reaction He gives in a smile or a sudden hold of breath as the baby kicks against His hand. He makes me more beautiful in just the way He looks at me.

My concerns at this point are few. The ache is subsiding with the lessened work load. I am quite big already... and I worried that it might be twins. Yet my own exam and study have reveiled only one heart beat. Strong too. The babe seems large.. larger than any of my previous. But Ash is not a small Man. If I had any concerns for the birth it would be the size of our child. Nature finds a way. Bodies adjust. Yet being a healer... I unfortunately know the drastic turns a body must take to accomadate a large child. My girl's were small.. labor was hardly a tick of time. Wily was my most difficult... lasting three days of pain but a quick birth when the time arrived. Already this child is bigger than He was. I try not to show Ash that I am scaired. I do not want Him to worry. He see's how the babe enjoys the kicking of a rib or lung... and now finds comfort in bouncing on the bladder. Adds for fun when you suddenly need to run off and pee. The nausea is much much less.. which I am thankful for. Only the occassional bout of heave's when the baby is testing out arms and legs.

I have also started to clean out a small wagon and fill it with supplies. I managed to save a trunk of clothing from the fires. And this was brought into the wagon where the rest of the furs and blankets will be stored. I have all the furs ready that will be brought outside for the birth... and I have begun to made a small fire pit near the wagon. It is no secret that Tuchuk Women give birth outside... under the Sky and not within the confines of a wagon. I have seen many a Woman in labor for days in the comfort of their furs inside their sleeping wagon.. some in such pain they can hardly breath or move or utter a word other than a scream. Yet... tell them the baby is coming and they are up.. walking outside and depositing themselves on the area set up for the birth. It is.. the way of life.

I have yet to discuss the how's and what's of this child's birth with Ash. I do not know His feelings on how much if anything.. He wishes to do. While Ive delivered most of my children on my own save the Father being there to do the actual delivery.... I have had Tarra there and Shanay to assist should anything go wrong. Ive always enjoyed having the Father there to bring their child into the world.. as it creates a bonding moment deeper than just Him just watching. This child is no different. I want Ash there and I want Him to take His child in His hands as He or She takes their first breath of life. It is perhaps the biggest thing I am looking forward too.

And since we seem to have a knack for talking.. for discussion.. I plan to make a very nice quiet dinner tonight for us. Alone among the fire light... it will be time to talk about the fastly approaching birth of our first child together.

I only hope He isnt... squimish.

Page 526 ~ Pick me

I cried myself to sleep in Ash's arms. For all it was worth He seemed to give me a lesson then embrace that weaker side of me and let it know.. everything would be ok. Up until that moment... I wasnt sure if He was mad at me or not. I knew the moment He pulled me against Him... soothing me with a hand over my hair... that He wasnt. Nor was I mad at Him for treating me in such a way. I deserved it.. I assume I will deserve it again in the future should I become so lost on my path.

The pain has eased. Either working too much or the crying fit I had cramped a muscle. It is a dull ache that sometimes comes from my lower back straight into the front. I have not mentioned this to Ash.. or anyone for that matter.. because I dont wish a fuss over something that isnt a big deal. I havent worked.. other than to see if anyone had seen the Red. Which.. brings me to today.

I was at the stream.. passing the bordum by watching the calming water flow by. I was surprised by Ongel walking by. He stopped to chat.. the usual how are you and your a pain in the ass type talk. Ash came along not too far behind on a kaiila that He did not get along with... or it did not get along with Him. One could tell.. they did not like each other. My talk with Ongel had to end there.. I did not want Ash... the over protective one to hover over me and perhaps remind me that my working as I had was the reason for my ache. If He only knew the ache He Himself had left me with... He would not open His mouth. I assured Him that I was fine. I kept quiet... I did not want to raise His thinking anymore that I was being brazen or careless. Just sit down and shut up Silken. That is the way it would be.

Cana came along on a fine looking black beast. Ash's attention swung from me like a nekkid slut had just wandered by. Damn.. I had been jilted over a kaiila. I swear He was drooling as Cana showed Him the new kaiila. It was a huge black beast. Sardine... I think She called Him... or Sandine. Something like that. I wondered if I had to put a saddle on and parade around to get Him to pay that kind of attention to me. I started to voice that... but quickly clamped my mouth shut. After alittle discussion on payment.. Cana came over and asked me about my Red. She said She had to seperate the male's from the females and then I could come tomorrow and look for Red. I thanked Her... hoping She would not see thru my act. I was trying to play the goodie goodie... I was trying to behave and not get all riled up with excitement. Fact is.. I was thrilled to hopefully be reunited with Red and find him after all this time. Of course it was in the back of my mind that I may not ever see him again.. but for now.. I could hope against hope that he was corralled with the other lost kaiila. I asked Cana if She would also put to thought that I needed five more. One for Wily.. a task in itself.. and one for Talia, Starr, Vee and Ess. She knew exactly what beast to give Wily.. one to match His spirit. The other's She would think on. They would not be needed until we reached the North... the children's lessons would resume after the move. A hug from Cana and a few words of encouragement and She was leaving. Ash was engulfed with His new toy so I excused myself to return to our wagon's. He said He would be along soon.. but I knew better. He would take His new ride out for a spin. Boys will be boys.

I waited for a time at the wagon's.. making sure dinner was prepared as the children dribbled in from their chores and clan work. I returned to the stream... trying to soak my ankles as much as possible to keep the swelling down. Ash had left. I felt rather uncomfortable and less than.... pretty. About the only thing I liked was how much softer my hair was.. and it held a shine that made it seem constantly ablaze with light. Ash rarely gets to see it loose in the day.. He probably wouldnt notice. But I did. I had to focus on that. Something good. Something to curb the rest of my thoughts until a time when I could catch Ash's attention again.

Stripping off the skirt.. I waded into the water in one of His tunic's. I sat with my back against the far bank.. letting the water cool me down and relax my body. Thinking back to something Ongel said... that I needed to think about me. I laughed again. Wasnt that what started this whole thing? I was thinking about myself.. I was being selfish when I was reminded that it wasnt all about me.

Now Im even more confused than I was to start.

Damn Men.

Page 525 ~ A different kind of hurt

He left me... in a pain I'd not felt before. I didnt know what to do with myself. I didnt know what to say.. I couldnt even speak. I saw hurt in His eyes and it was because of me. My lack of being able to communicate had me.. stumbling and scanning words that even the simplest phrase sounded.. naive. It was this hesitation that caused the entire spiral downfall of the evening. From Him teaching me a lesson I would not soon forget to learning that sometimes just saying what's on your mind is better than thinking of what your gonna say.

I had never felt like an object more so than I did that night. I felt less of a person and it disturbed me because... I'd been a slave before. I had been used and discarded moments later without a care in the world for my comfort. But this was my Mate that instilled such terror within me.. fear that I never wanted to feel like that with Him again. Had I closed myself off in such a way that He had no connection to me other than just a vessle of flesh and blood? Had I become so narrow minded that I could not see He was hurting too over the events that unfolded within the Tribe. Were my own selfish needs once again pushed up like a wall to say... Stay Out! No Tresspassing.

Aparently so.. because He opened the wound and let me feel my own blood. He lanced me with reason and everything oozed out.. sticky and hot. My own tears coating flesh and the ground.. baptizing us both with a rebirth of emotions.

Emotions.

Skies.. how I hate them. I dont understand them. I cant figure them out and I certainly have not mastered them. I know I love Ash. I feel it every moment I am away from Him... but I cannot say it.. as often as I hoped to. I also know this really bothers Him.. and He is tired of the battle He says I give Him in my lack of expression. I thought.. He would see it in my smile when He returned home from a long days work at the Forge. I thought He would feel it.. when I visited Him on Duty. Surely I thought He would feel it in my kisses and my desire to be against Him. But all those things didnt matter.. because I rarely got a reaction to my attempts. I thought ... maybe He wasnt that type of Man... wanting a Woman to approach Him with affection. Maybe He wanted to be the one to make the moves.. and perhaps by me going to Him... He lost interest in me. I just didnt understand that He too was feeling the emotions of the fire. I couldnt see past my own hurt... I didnt see His. But He made me feel it. And...... I dont like it. I sulked for days after. Avoiding people and places where I knew I would expected to present a happy face and conversation... where in all truth.. I just wanted to hide the shame I felt for hurting Him. I cried rivers of tears... to the point it left me shaking and gasping for air. After all was said and done... it proved nothing.. I gained nothing and was left with no resolution. Useless emotions. I had wallowed in my own guilt and fears of losing my position to the point I closed off. End of objection. Story over. It was all my fault. And somehow.. that big lug just turned everything I was feeling around to show me that I was the wrong one. Cut me just alittle deeper next time.. Im sorry.. I didnt bleed enough for you. He left me hurting.. He left me wanting... craving and desiring. He left me with guilt and remorse. He left me confused. He left me with a box of riddles to which I had no answers....... but....... not for long.

Page 524 ~ So there I was....

... surrounded by a mountain of bowls.

For a moment I wondered... just how the fuck I was going to get back down the steps. Was I now trapped by my own hand in my own wagon from working myself into a corner? Seemed like it.. didnt it. I did start to stack and move the bowls around.. making a pathway at least from the platform to the doorway. The steps were another task... that would wait for now. Once inside the wagon.. I looked to the sleeping furs.... soft and inviting. But I hadnt had time to enjoy them... not really since the fire. Im sure its not just me. I know every healer.. Ongel.. Kaeli and everyone on down the line have been working tirelessly days upon days in restocking our supply of herbs.. medicines and bandages. I know Mezoo has helped... and I plan to thank Her as soon as I can with a nice basket of goodies. Children have been coming and going loaded with armfulls and baskets of wrappings. It was when I was stacking some of these bandages inside the wagon that I uncovered my journal. Flipping through the pages.. I saw that it had been ages since I last sat and noted my thoughts on the bound parchment. There was little time in my day for myself. Of my own doing of course. I always did retreat and work when things overwhelm me. Even Ash... had been gone long Ahn's.. and I rarely see Him outside of a Tal and how'dy do. It makes me think things that I dont want to. Of the past.. His and mine.. and I begin to wonder just which path I am going down again. But no... not this time. I wont let it happen. I cant. I swore if I failed again... I would be no more. I cant think about that now. Not with this new life growing within me. I see the pride in Ash's face seeing His unborn child resting so comfortably within my belly. I am big enough now that it cannot be hidden even under one of His tunic's. And I find myself gently stroking the swell of my stomach and talking quietly to the babe. I tell Him or Her that I will try my hardest to make sure He or She has their Father with them this time... that He wont disappear or abandon them. But even if that was to happen.. I would be there. I will always be there.

I headed back out to work... I needed to keep busy. I needed to keep the images and the sounds of that fatefull night at bay. I have not uttered a single word of what I saw or did... or how I felt since then.Ive kept it inside.. as most have... not wanting to relive it in any way.. shape or form. Perhaps it is unhealthy.. but it is what I need right now to survive it and remain composed. I cannot break down now... not for me.. for Ash or for the baby. In time... I will deal with it.. but now.. I must work. I must maintain.

I heard two voices from over the piles of bowls. Poking my head up.. I saw Ash and Tarra. She had brought herbs and powders to replentish into the stock. It was a welcomed jesture.. yet my mind could only see the glass as half full. I could only wrap my thoughts around how that one basket would perhaps last a day... and I needed to keep going. I needed to build the supply back up past a critical level. That's when the... discussion started. Tarra and Ash actually teaming up on me... making me see that I did not need to work so hard. And well.. Tarra... Mother Vulo She is.. and loved for it... got rather huffy with me. It was when She threatened to speak to Ayguili about slowing me down that I snapped. I wanted to break Her nose.. and I told Her so. She as always.. stood up to me with that.. "bring it on" attitude. I didnt want to hurt Her.. and I didnt really want to fight... so I just assualted Her with words. Somewhere about this time.. Ash stepped in like a wall between us. I started swinging.. clawing to get to Tarra.. I wanted so badly one of our knock down.. kick ass fights... but I also knew if I did.. my ass would be toast given my pregnancy. Eventually Tarra got some blue liquid and dumped it over my head... I broke free of Ash and gave Her braid a yank... something I know just irk's Her. We went round and round with words... not harsh.. but call me stupid it was a loving but brutal verbalization of emotions. Something I needed.. and perhaps something Tarra did as well. It was funny how in the end... we both switched sides and ganged up on Ash.. leaving Him backpeddling. Damn.. I missed that. I missed Tarra. And I was actually thankful and relieved when She said She would be checking on me more often.

So with Tarra on my side.. laughing... I grinned and returned to my work. Ash was not as joyous. He began to talk to me and I found myself wondering if He actually thought I was trying to hurt our child. Did He really think me that stupid that I would do anything to jepordize my health and our childs? I started getting angry.. which Ash tactfully uses against me. He uses it to bring out that which I dont speak of.. or am too afraid to speak aloud. I said something that I wished I hadnt. I spoke of my fear of my position being taken away. I didnt want anyone to know this.. because if I spoke it.. it could come true. I know what Tarra said about it being a Man's world.. hell.. I even brought it up. I know I have no say in the matter... but I have worked so hard to get where I am.. and I finally am there that I dont want anything to ruin it. Somehow I knew that if Ayg saw I was.. unable to fullfill my position as Clan Leader... head healer... He would give it away to someone else. Perhaps this is why I am so hellbent on throwing myself into work... to show them I can do it. I want to.

Please... dont take it away from me.

I wanted to run to Ayguili and pled my case before anyone else got to Him. I needed to find Him.. I needed to talk to my Ubar. I needed.... my sanity. But Ayg was nowhere to be found. I understood He was still Himself bogged down with work. I would have to wait.. but not without telling Jax to give the Ubar a message that I needed to speak to Him.

But I digress. So there I was... sitting on the platform amidst this sea of bowls.. listening to Ash and pouring my heart out when given a break to do so. I wound up promising I would slow down. I will. I promised... I mean to keep it. He scooped me up and carried me into our wagon and laid me to the furs. He held my braid in His hands... giving me a few tugs now and then when I started to drift off into that place I dont care to return to. he asked me how active our child was.. and I told Him.. more and more each day. He bent over at my request and spoke to my belly. His hand placed to the side of my swelling flesh. Even I knew the reaction to come. He whispered a greeting to the babe and my stomach rolled against His hand. No kicking yet... just that roll of acknowledgement. His smile was priceless and He even chuckled when the babe developed the hiccups... jumping against His hand. I mentioned to Him how I had the same thing with Vee and Ess.. and now that I think of it with Wily as well. I tend to wonder now if it is a boy thing.. and perhaps Ash might just have the son He so ardently desires. But... He had me lay back and took some oil that I made.. and began to massage it into my skin. From neck to feet... slowly... gently... He covered every hort. When He finished.. I was drawn to lay half over Him.. my head on His chest while He ran His fingers through my hair. Be it the reverberation of His voice so deep in His chest combined with the lull of His heartbeat to my ear... I was drifting asleep.

When I woke this morning.. Ash was gone.. and once I rose and dressed... I stepped outside to find the bowls had disappeared too. For a moment I wanted to scream and raise hell... but my promise light kicked in and I sat to the steps like a lost sleen pup.

What the hell was I going to do with all this time?

I grinned... lifted off the steps and headed to my supply wagon. Taking out that bluish tinted jar I then found myself off on a journey to a few wagons. Fonce and Sev'ies... Tarra's... Mezoo... Cana... and Ayguili to start.

The Mistress of Itching Powder....

had returned.

Page 523 ~ Fit to be.... bunched.

I had felt fairly good the past two days. Work was a bite in the ass... long hard hours were maintained... but it felt good to be constantly busy. It kept my mind from wandering to those places I dont care to visit at the moment. I did have the honor... of meeting this new Iron Worker while visiting Ash at the Forge. His name is Ronin. And... He is a loser. He rubbed me the wrong way right from the start. When Ash told me that Ayguili had spoken to Him about this Man... I had to back off alittle. Reluctantly. This Man was claiming to be Tuchuk.. but everything about Him screamed dweller. True.. I do not know every Tuchuk that resides on the plains... but there was something about this one that made me more than uneasy. Needless to say... my panties began to bunch. So I asked this Ronin... "How are the Bosk?" And I waited.. and waited .. and waited some more... and finally I got an answer. "Good." Uh.... what the fuck? "Good???" I said. My eyes bore into this hunk of flesh... and my internal switch flipped to ON. "And the quiva's?" I asked... narrowing my gaze. Again... I waited.. and waited.. and oh.. guess what??... I waited! But suddenly.... "Sharp.. they are sharp. Ohhh and the Bosk are as well as can be." This snit pipes up. Fuckin' Ash... I wanted to slap Him upside the head for helping this Man.

The knot started to get tighter and venture into my... neither regions. The Man asked Ash if there was a way to get on my good side. I proposed a wager with this new Iron Master. I said.. If He could take a six inch spike and hammer it into a block of wood.. using only one object of my choice.. and that object would be chosen from something in the Forge.... I would lighten up. If I won.. He had to do my laundry for three weeks. If He won.. I would be civil to Him. About that time Tarra arrived and listened in. The IronMaster agreed to my wager. So I led Him to the block of wood.. handed Him the spike.. and proceeded to tell Him. Hammer this in.. all six inches.. using nothing but... your pecker. You could feel the smirks within the room. Tarra found it amusing. I was getting more irritated with the Man's backpeddling. I was going to have some serious chaffing if I didnt get out of there. So Ronin leaves and then Tarra.. after She gave Ash a task to do for Her. I toyed around the Forge a bit.. getting into things Ash obviously didnt want me to. I heard.. Becareful... we are low on tools. Dont break that. Easy... I need that. I'd had enough. So I left. I headed out into the darkness to try and dislodge my atomic wedgie. I started to look for my kaiila... which.. I havent seen hide nor hair of. Also.. this is good. The red kaiila isnt that hard to spot.. if he is not dirty and dust covered. I havent given up hope. After this next move.. I will check the pens to see if I can find Him.

Oh... yes. That brings me to that. The next move.

It was late when I decided my panties were finally resting normally and my switch had returned to OFF. Since I was calm... I ventured to the stream near the healers group of wagons and was surprised to find a large group there. Cana.. Fonce.. Sev.. Ash.. Yamka.. and Ongel. Later... Ayg and Kaeli joined. The few Ahn's we spent together was nice. Ash was about as distant as Turia... I can only assume because of all the work He is under. The banter... none the less.. was light and welcomed. Cana is already eyeing me as a target. She wants revenge for me making Her upchuck when She was with child. I think She will have Her just due. It was good to see Cana. Good to see Her with some fire in Her eyes. I missed Her.

It was after She left that the discussion turned to Her. Not in a bad way... not gossip or speaking behind Her back kind of way... but about the past days and seeing a side of Her no one ever expected. I listened as Ayg and Kaeli spoke of Her throwing a fit. Cursing? Ohh hell yes... words they did not know She even had in Her vocabulary. I found a few refrences rather amusing.. and would have to remember them. Shredding furs and tearing things up? Cana? The gentle soul? Nahh.. couldnt be possible. And had I not heard it from the kaiila's mouths for myself.. I would not believe it. Now... I knew what Cana was going thru.. been there done that.. a few times in my life. But I started to get irritated the more I listened to them about their concern. Dont get me wrong... I am concerned about Cana... and I understand fragile states. But what the hell is wrong with anyone throwing a knock down.. drag out.. hissy fit of a tantrum? She has every right too. My switch flipped. ON. I started thinking about my own tantrums I had had when similar things occured to me. But mine were seen as selfish and irrational. Childish and foolish. So what made Her's different? Because She is this gentle calming soul? And What...??? Im a pool of liquid fuel just waiting for a spark to ignite it? Well.. hell yeah. That's my nature. Now.. I was pissed. Not at Cana... but at those that had said these things to me when I was torqued up. Ash did nothing to even notice my mood change. Too busy with the Forge. Even that.. pissed me off... tho I know He has a duty to attend to. I did not hold Him personally responsible for this flip of the switch. Not yet at least. So when He said He would be going to work at the Forge.. that He had order's from Ayguili to make sure the wagon's had wheels... I didnt not argue. But then.. Kaeli mentioned that Jai always kept a set of furs in His Forge.. I assume a hint that I could stay there.. with Ash. But the big bosk either didnt catch it... or didnt want me there. I bid them Good Night. The move was in two days to find grass for the bosk. The healer's had enough work for three times our numbers. Ayguili saw to it we would have wagon's for the still injured and healing.. we would have extra furs.. we would get Men and slaves to help prepare the wagon's to venture towards grass. I walked.. first towards the Nightmare... intending to work well into the night and past morning. But I made a right turn and headed out onto the plains. I had to walk this off. I had to figure out these emotions. I had to sort thru the things bouncing in my head. I rationalized.. then countered with my own rebutal. On Off On Off On Off........... ON. *growl*

And there it stayed.