Bull. Hungry lil guy. Like His Papa... demands His meals on time. Likes to drink.. alot. Doesnt care that the kegs are running dry.. and lets us all know when they float. He gives me a look like.. well? Tap another Woman... Im hungry!! So... I get fustrated and try some diluted bosk milk.. I mean come on!! I need time to replentish the supply for Skies sake. When this works... it is good. Because Ash can feed the baby and I can get more than one Ahn of uninterupted sleep. Im stuck between sleeping and or eating and drinking to refuel. Sleep usually wins. I have relearned the art of dozing while Bull nurses. I lay on my side with Him craddled beside me.. pretty good till I need to switch sides. But that also comes naturally to clutch Him to my chest and roll over on my back.. settle Him in and back to snoozin'.
On such an occasion tonight.. I was doing so at the fires of our wagon. Ash had returned from the Forge and surprised us with an early visit. I can see the sleeplessness in His face also. We talked for alittle bit while Bull finished His meal and then fell asleep. I was cranky, but not nasty cranky. Just somber. I had been thinking about all the time I missed with Vee and Ess when Shi took them away. I had such hopes for Bull.. and I had sworn to Him that I would make sure I was always there for Him. It was these thoughts and my state of exhaustion that let me slip back to that time when the twins were taken away from me. It was such a vivid flashback that when Ash took Bull from my arms and sensed something wrong that my defenses rose up and I was thrown back to that exact moment in time when the boys were being pulled from me. There was no one else there.. just me. I felt every emotion that I could not voice or show then. I was pounding on Ash's back... screaming not to take my baby. But as quick as the vision appeared... it also retreated. How many years had I bottled up that memory? Had to be almost three. I appologized profusely. Ash didnt understand.. and I really didnt have the words to explain it. I tried.. several times and in the end I hope He understood. The mind plays terrible tricks on you when your exhausted. Aunt had offered to take the baby and the youngin's for the night. I told Her that I had to check with Ash... since Bull was His son. Much as I didnt believe it... I knew that my rights as His Mother only applied to feeding Him when He needed it. Something that bothers me more this time around.
Ash had to leave again. A small job needed His attention. I am very concerned about our lack of time together since all these jobs have come up with the move nearing closer everyday. I was mad... alittle at Him for assuming things that werent true. And I was furious at myself for allowing those memories to become playable. The children bunked up with Aunt. And She was having a blast with them.. so I decided to wait in our wagon for my Mate to return. I waited a few Ahn before bordum and sleep won over my desire to see Him.
I know He was there... His side of the furs were still warm when I woke up. I could only gather them up and hold them against me.. taking in His scent with a sigh. I missed Him so much.
I gave Jax a hollar... told Him to bring the baby back to me. I needed to have at least a part of Ash against me. Something to keep the connection alive. While I waited... I held onto those furs.
But they didnt hold me back.
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