...... run away.
I cant deal with it... this whirling mist of emotions that seizes me like a vise Ash uses in the forge. One moment Im calm... the next Im sad.. the next utterly happy and the next pissed off so bad I want to kill. I dont fucking get it ! ! ! He tells me to tone it down.. but then it's too much... like the walking dead. Then perhaps I need to loosen up... but oh wait ! Not that much... we need to find a happy medium for Silken. Something in the grey area. Hmmmm. The grey area? Why is this perverbial area grey in the first place? Why not.. green... or yellow.. or orange... or my favorite red. Cause damnittadusts... Im seeing red now.
We slipped into dangerous territory when it comes to me. My reliance on promises made and promises kept. Im a big keeper of that. When I promise someone something... I will force myself with all my heart to fight tooth and nail to see I can fullfill it. Why dont they understand that I was never given the chance to do this last time?? Why doesnt Ash see that this is more than guilt or pride... but something deeper? And He just pissed me off... saying.. its over.. forget about it. Its done and gone.
Fuck
Im not like that.
Skies.... I love the Man.. but sometimes.... I want to pop His bloody head off His shoulders.. shake out the shit between His ears and snap it back on. Ash is.. different then anyone Ive ever been Mated to. He is strong and loving... but He does not bend to my ways.. most of the time. I know that lately things have been strained with Him working so much at the Forge. Its not to say that I am unhappy... Skies no. I am happy. I could say that Im longing to have time with Him... and just Him... to share in things that only Mates could. That only.. I share with Him. But... it isnt possible now. I walk to the Forge and peek in at Him when He isnt looking.... watching how He works. Watching the ripple of muscle in His arms and chest as they mold the metal He loves to work with. Ive even been guilty of daydreaming about His hands on me... working me into that sculpture of perfection for His eyes. It makes me blush just thinking about it.
But.....
Back to the now. Yeah... Im pissed. And I told Him so. I dont think He has ever seen that part of me that emerged. I felt my pupils dialate when He pushed the wrong button and told me "Its over.. Its done... gone" That I should give up on my promise. And when I told Him never... never speak that to me again... and turned to leave... He said something that did not even register in my brain. Words that floated on the breeze did not even reach my ears for thought. Bull was with Aunt.. the children with tanya... and I kept walking. Straight out onto the plains. Had I found my kaiila... I would have ridden... but I walked.. and walked... ran alittle... growled and screamed. What a sight to the passing outriders I musta been. Finally.. I came upon a knoll about two or three Ahn's from the main fires. I could still see outriders siloutted in the dying light of night. Soon small fires would crop up to let me know where they stationed for the evening. I wasnt scaired... but I was cold. I didnt light a fire myself.. because I just... did not want to be found. They knew where I was.... that was enough.
I sat there as more Ahn's clicked the night away. Bad thing to let me brood. Even worse to let me sulk. With no outside input to listen too... I conclude my own decisions which... usually turn out to be very bad in judgement. Snap decisions... unrealized rational's. Hurt me... Im gonna hurt you back type shit. And then the grudge festers... boils under my skin till I explode and unleash a side of me that even terrifies me.
I tried so damn hard to get out of this mind frame. I thought about Ash... His hands... how I love His hands. His hair.. His eyes and His strenght... especially when His arms are around me protectivly. Or even the gentle touches to my hair. I thought about Bull.. and then guilt set in. He would be getting hungry... and even though I started Him on milk to help ease His hunger... I knew He needed me... and here I was Ahn's away from Him.
It was then that I rose to head back. I knew the direction but something struck me odd. I noted.... not a single camp fire among the outriders this night. I started to turn around.. looking for those dots of light and saw nothing. Almost paniced.. I spun so fast in my search and changed direction so much... I began disoriented and lost my bearings. Clouds covered the stars... I had no map. Fear set in.
Now cold and somewhat lost in direction... I ventured out to walk. Figuring I would soon run into an Outrider that could guide me back.
Only problem was......
I was headed in the wrong direction......
Further away from the Harigga.
Just great.
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