Page 539 ~ How can I believe.....

.... if it feels like a dream

But it wasnt. I knew when I felt the hair on my arms and neck stand that it was real. My look of surprise and the fanning of my vest from the pulse of heartbeat must have told Him I didnt believe. It was His voice in my ear that sent my world tipping to the side and had I not grabbed onto Him.. surely.. I would have fallen over. Had I missed Him.. was the question. And I had no way to show Him with words or actions.. it is too great a feeling.. a great vast emotion that I cannot fathom to explain.

Quickly.. I took the baby for His nap at my Mate's urging of needing to "be with me" Thankfully.. Bull was tired and didnt fuss. When I returned to Him to bask in the glory of His shadow.. standing before Him... I had released my hair to feather about my body. I know His love of my hair and I so love the feeling of His strong hands milking into the strands... to be pulled so my neck arches back.. exposing a cherished collum of throat. His kisses do more than excite me.. traveling the lenght of my neck.. to my shoulders and lower to more erotic places. As He speaks.. words meant to excite me.. as well as confuse me and make me think... I can barely breath. He knows this.. and it amuses Him. He enjoys how I become clay in His hands... to be molded and conform... and I love the position He places me in. For in those moments.. alone as a couple.. I am His. I love Him so. How do I tell you... I wonder and think hard. But my song would have to wait because I am being led into the wagon. The firebowl is lit.. casting a dance of flame throughout the area. I am bathed in the color of fire.. I am heated by not only the heat but the love within my Mate's gaze.

Gone are the moments I cursed Him for working so hard. I can only wait with baited anticipation for His touch. It comes in the form of words that though spoken with love are forcefull and demanding. I have no choice but to do as He wishes.. and I have no other wish than to please Him at this moment. How do I tell you that I love you this much?? Thinking.. as my clothing is removed. A split tick of time.. just a quick flash.. I am shy and timid.. standing before Him in a blanket of only my red hair. His voice then deep.. dark... intimidating.. bring me before Him. I can only look away. I dont deserve this.. I dont deserve Him. How? Please tell me how I can let you know... that I need you this much ! My silent wish answered by His kiss. A deep.. longing passionate kiss that makes my legs faulter. I held onto His arms... a leg lifted to brush the outside of His thigh... and now we float like a leaf on a gentle breeze to the softness of furs beneath us. As I looked up at Him while the moments again ticked away.. He teases me till I plead for Him to take me. It is not just sex... it is not just the culmination of the moment that I crave. It is Him. His essence. His soul.. mine.. joined. Lovers entwined and shared in something that cannot be given name. It is simply... together.

Time went on forever... and when we lay still wrapped around each other.. just a mass of arms.. legs... hair and torso's... I tried to think.. How do I tell you what you mean to me?? I thought hard.. I wrestled with emotions I cursed for boiling up in me. My indepth insight was broken by His words... so gently spoken.. so easily understood. "I love you Silken" He said.. stroking my back and grazing lenghts of my hair in His fingers.

And then I knew. I had the answer. I knew how I could tell Him. I knew what I could say that would let this Man know He was my world. He was my air. He was what I needed all along.

"I love you Ash"

It said..... everything.

Page 538 ~ And so I waited

and waited... and waited. Somehow I drew the strenght to not throw a fit while I sat and watched for Ash to return. For days... my routine was the same. Wake up.. find Ash gone already to the Forge.. take care of the kids... work.. then sit on the steps till I fell asleep "waiting" some more. Finally.. I could not take it anymore. I headed to the Forge.. and there in the door... I paused to watch my Mate hammering the steel that had been supplied to Him. Several times I saw His forearm rise to brush over His forehead and wipe beads of sweat from His flesh. I saw the flex of muscle and the strenght it took for Him to wield the hammers and tools. I saw concentration... determination.. and pride in His work. Everything I had been feeling.. the anger.. fustration... left me in a blink of my eyes and to fill that void was inserted guilt. Guilt that I had been feeling so selfish in my plight to spend time with Him that I'd forgotten that other's counted on Him.

For awhile I watched in the shadow of night near the doorway. A smile that had been surpressed for sometime now did creep onto my lips. I felt somewhere in my chest.. perhaps in that heart of mine that although He was elsewhere.. He was with me. Thinking of me in the dark recesses of His own mind... and for that moment I was comforted. Before He could see me... I turned and left. I did not want to bother or disturb Him.. or sidetrack His concentration with my presense. My steps were slow as I headed back to the gathering of wagons and sat on the steps for alittle while.. all the time.. the picture of my Ash working so hard kept flashing through my visions.

Guilt

It was eating me up.

I wanted to run to Him... to tell Him I was sorry for everything I had been thinking. I wanted to appologize for wanting to yell and scream at Him for neglecting me. I wanted to throw myself on the ground and thrash myself for ever thinking of swatting Him upside the head for ignoring me. I did none of these things. Instead.. I headed to the stream to wash up. If my Mate was to return to our furs to rest and sleep.. I would make sure that His Woman was dirt free... hair smelling pretty and the rest of me as wonderful as He makes me feel. I knew I would be long past asleep in our furs when He returned. And lately He did not wake me. Instead He simply pulled me against Him and held me like precious cargo. Tightly yet lovingly. Even in my sleep I sigh as He does so... finally feeling that security in His grasp. Nothing would ever harm me with Him there. Nothing could penetrate the barrier of protection and love He gives me. Though He is exhausted.. He still finds the moments to brush my hair from my face and kiss me.

In the morning.. I can still feel the warmth of His embrace around me. I can only hope to one day wake with the real thing wrapped around me. But for now.. I will have to find the strenght and comfort in just knowing He was there... and He cared.

How ever long that takes...

I will wait.

Page 537 ~ Moody blues

I havent felt much like writing these days. Who has the time? The kids and I are readily busy preparing for the move... and with a seven month old crawling about.. tugging on everything and getting into whatever else He can find. Bull is a good baby. Tempered like His Father.. which Im lucky. Calm.. yet assertive. My attitude hasnt reared it's ugly head in Him much.... yet. But... I also find myself rather blue. I dont know why.. though.. I have an idea. There is a reason Ash has not requested I take the sip root. He wants more children. Cant say that I blame Him. They are simply.. awesome. We may not have time for much socializing and chatting these days... yet.. we always find time.. in the quiet of our furs to remind each other of the love shared between us. I try to stay awake until He returns to the wagon each night... but mostly I am asleep. That doesnt mean I dont wake up when He climbs into the furs beside me... or.. He wakes me up with kisses and caresses.

Im almost positive Im pregnant again. At my age... young as I am... it's hard to tell. A Woman's cycle can go off kilter after having a child... and due to other factors. So... Im waiting... just a bit longer to see for sure. I could be two moons along already. I do have a small bump... but that could be left over from Bull. Its just hard to tell. Bull is now drinking regular milk... and eating mushed up foods. I dont have to nurse Him anymore. So I believe within the next few weeks... I will be certain.

Then there is that glow that a Woman has when She is with child. Mine is alot brighter.. since my hair just seems to shine like a raging inferno of flame when Im pregnant. I think Im down... because I know I may well be heavy with child when the move is upon us. It is hard enough to make it into the cold season and do this journey being healthy and all. Pretty sure that is why I am keeping to myself. I dont handle "worry" all that well.... but I think its about time Ash does some of it for me. I might just have to tell Him soon... if He hasnt begun to notice the changes already. I dont want Him worrying about me... I dont want His mind drifting anymore than does now while He is at the Forge. I dont want Him worrying about me on the trail. Well.. maybe just alittle. He's so cute when He does. And the smile He gets... when His hand lays over my swollen stomach.. just makes me all... warm inside. Yeah... those are good things. Things to hold onto. Things to make me smile. And I cant wait to see His smile when He finally realizes... He's gonna be a Papa again.

Im not so blue anymore.