Page 502 ~ Irrational brain matter

It was a sigh from Ash that moved me against His chest. I woke.. slowly.. the eariler events creeping back into my awareness. Though I was surprised that my sleep held no dreams... I hoped.. they were gone. My night visitor held no power anymore.. I was in control.. and Ash was my co-pilot. Moving gently so as not to wake Him... I took moments upon time to watch Him sleep. I was guilt ridden that I had laid this mess at His feet and then begged Him to keep it to Himself. Yet.. it had to be that way. I had to do this myself... I had to. If He was there to assit.. all the better. Anyone else.. was a no no. Quickly.. I penned a small scroll. It included a breif appology... and told of my saddness for the hurt I placed on Him. I told Him how... He said that we would deal with this together... and I thanked Him for giving me the strenght and courage to take this on. He had done well.. and He was right... we would get through this. Now it was my turn to step up and face the music. I ended.. with... I was going back to the spot of my spiral downfall. Back to the place where I gave my wraith the power.. where He was birthed. I would face Him on His grounds... where I would die if I had to... trying to return. It was signed... Your Ember. I had told Ash part of my birth name... He took a liking to it. It seemed only right that I ended my note as such. Tucking the scroll in His hand.. I touched His cheek with tears streaming down mine. I ran from the wagon with my pack in hand... out to the pen's... saddled up the Red... and took off into the fading light.

I rode for an Ahn. I hated the Southern plains. I hated everything it held for me. I was pissed off that this memory tainted the new joy that awaited me. The thrill of being newly mated... the smiles and laughs of love and companionship. I hated that everything I touched.. turned to shit.. and everyone I loved.. I betrayed. While lost in these inward reflections.. I began to feel the nagging tug of pressure in my head. I felt as tho my hair had been braided into a thousand tiny woven strands and someone was slowly pulling them backwards. I felt the burning of my scalp.. I heard the ripping of flesh from my skull. And before I could react... a sudden burst of hot... not warm or tepid.. but blazing hot wind struck me in the chest. My kaiila reared up in reaction and I was thrown from the saddle. The great Red beast ran off in a circling pattern.. confused and disoriented. I lay on the ground.. the wind knocked out of me. The pain I assumed was the force of impact to the ground and subsequent void of air in my lungs. Yet.. as I began to move.. I felt a different pain in my arm. It was pinned beneath me and I rolled over with a scream.. clutching the limp appendage to my chest. My right arm.. able to move and functional.. took hold of the left and began a series of calculated twists and turns. The crunch and snap of bone was deafening.. and a rather sickening sound all the same. I must have passed out.. for when I woke.. it was dark. I began a further assessment of my body. Both legs moved.. I felt them.. my back was sore.. but uninjured. With great pain.. I pushed myself up to sit... then removed my belt and secured my left arm tight against my chest. It was when I pressed my right hand into the earth that.. I felt it move. Not my hand.. but the ground itself. It was sticky... and upon lifting my palm towards my eyes... I saw blood. Thick.. globs of dark blood. I bit back a scream... covering my mouth with the back of my hand as I looked down. As though someone had painted a bullseye at this very spot... I knew... I-was-here. Almost five years ago... I had stood on this spot... I had confronted the Man who's lies and deceit tarnished my name.. and the pride of the Tuchuk. The very place that my dagger emerged in the moonlight... and slowly pierced His chest as He bent to kiss me.... sliding between His ribs... and piercing His heart. This very vortex of wings and wind... where He breathed His last breath into my shoulder. My satchel had been thrown several feet from me... and I had to stretch across the visionary blood that polluted my mind to reach it. Pulling it closer.. I opened it and took out a bota. It was paga... it was the bota I had wrangled from the fires the night prior. I opened it... wanting a sip.. but I had promised not too. Instead.. I turned the bota upside down and poured the thick liquid onto the spot. I cursed the Sky.. I cursed the Man who had done this to me... finally speaking His name after all these years. I screamed... that I took any power He had over me back. That I would no longer fear Him.. I would no longer run. He was dead. But I was alive. I was living... I was loved.. and He was nothing but a disgrace. Further my voice lifted... "Let them kill me.. for I did nothing but put Tribe above all. Let them! But it is not up to you. It is my choice now. And if it remains my secret then.. so be it! You have no hold over me anymore!" I expected hail and brimstone. I expected a bolt of lightning to strike me... I expected something. But nothing. I felt nothing.. saw nothing.. I heard nothing. Nothing.. for a long time. Then I did catch the faint sound of something...

kailla paws... hitting the ground...

and they were growing closer.

Page 501 ~ I can't go back

I threw myself into work today. Paga... brewing paga. After the night's celebration there was much replentishing to be had. By the time I finished.. I smelled just like the inside of one of the barrels. I reeked of paga. Dandy. Running back to the wagon... hoping that I would beat Ash there from the forge.. so I could change. I didnt need those damming looks again... I didnt need the accusations. Truth is.. I hadnt drank paga since... well.. I cant remember when. But I know it came down to a promise.. and I know I have kept that promise. Yes.. Ive had a sip here and there. Im not perfect... Im far from it. Im flawed... tainted and ... damaged. I felt the bile rise into my throat as His footsteps climbed our wagon steps. They were heavy... pounding and reverberating in my eardrums. My heart raced... soft fast that I had to gasp for a breath and remind my system to inhale. Ash called to me when He stepped into the wagon... me... I was trying to regain my composure. I obviously failed. Immediately He smelled the paga.. and that led to a heated debate over drinking and taking a sip. I didnt agree with Him.. but I was not in a state of mind to argue. He countered my attempts at dropping the subject with a knife in the back. He made me feel guilty. He brought up my dreams... He knew I was still having them though they were not anything as severe as they had been. He wanted to know why I drank? Was it to escape the dreams? If so... I was living in denial. At that moment.. that very iota of time... everything I held so tightly bottled inside me... rose to the surface. I could have vomited profusely for an Ahn... expelling everything out of me. It was that surreal .... that constricting. I found myself turning from Him... and hiding... I couldnt look at Him with what I had to say. Much as I wanted to stop myself.. much as I screamed inside of me. It came out. Slowly. I asked Him... if He knew just what spurred my dreams... did He have any idea? I knew He was under the impression that it was loneliness that caused them. But.. He said no. He did not know. And then came the flood of words. Chosen carefully... so as not to make any mistake... or have any misunderstanding. My secret was released... It boiled down to : I killed Him. I killed a Tuchuk. Ash reacted... better than I suspected. I was not so lucky. Panic.. sheer terror now flooded my veins. He said He would handle it. I took this as He would tell. He would run to the Ubar... He would explain what happened... and He would make it all better. But... I thought differently. I knew that the Ubar would have me chained to a wagon... confined.. or worse.. placed under guard. I knew I would be questioned... placed on trial.. and I would be killed for my mistake. Not the mistake of killing a dishonorable Man... but the mistake of not going to the Ubar when it happened. Ash argued that killing a dishonorable Tuchuk was not a crime. I retorted that dishonorable.. one armed.. one legged.. yellow.. green or blue.. did not matter. What mattered was.. I killed a Tuchuk. Even though.. it was many Years ago... I still drew blood and wet the plains with a Man's life in return for justice.... and I was paying for it. Now. Now that I had comfort and security... I had a life dangling before me. I went and fucked it all up.. based on trust and the need to purge this final demon from my soul.

Skies bless Ash. He wanted so badly to make it better... He wanted to take control of the wraith that haunted me... and it must make Him feel helpless that He cannot gain a hold of this nightmare. I understand. But I needed to know that I could trust Him with my life. If He goes to tell someone.. anyone... He no longer holds my life in His hands... but turns it over to another. I told Him... I made a terrible mistake.... yet.. much as I wanted.. I could not take it back. He said again... He would deal with it. Backpeddling.. I kept asking.. demanding that He tell no one. "This must be delt with Silken" was all He kept saying. I cried.. selfishly. I knew that I may have just altered any chance at a future for us. I cried for the babies that would not be born.. should Ash choose them. I cried for my children that would be left orphaned by my mistake.. and I cried.. because I already missed His arms around me. He spoke more.. reasoning this out.. I believe to help Himself understand. I could only listen. By the time He finished speaking.. I was exhausted. We both fell asleep... curled against the wall in the wagon.

But this time...

it wasnt a dream that woke me.

Page 500 ~ It didnt stop there

While I thought the lil box of Yum Sev had given to me and Ash was the best thing ever... It did not stop with that. I meandered my way to the fires. Found all the new group there.. they being Enhnasan, Sahnka and Six. Enh asked me if Ash had shown me the gift She gave to us.. for our Mating. I told Her I had not yet seen it.. that Ash had placed it in the wagon.. which.. was the vortex of TuchukWarrior hell. But I was working on that. I told Her it sounded lovely.. blue was the perfect color and would brighten up the wagon nicely. That's when Sahnka chimmed in. "Oh.. your Silken. I have something for you" Wow. Ok. And He had Six deliver to me a few bags of salt. I thanked them both and gave Six a lolli for His expert delivery and handling. Tarra was itching. I had to ask.. and I did. She told me of an injury that sent Her to the healers. I nearly died. Right then and there. Tarra? Went to a healer? Sheesshhhh! I poked just alittle bit of fun.. before I gave Her an ointment that would stop the itch. Be it from infection or just the healing... this would cure it. Yamka started complaining about Her finger's being sore. Got it!! Can fix that too. She was tossed a jar of salve for Her ailment. I was on top of my game this night. That's when the topic of me tripping all over things came up between Tarra and I. She claimed my unbalanced steps were the euphoria of the newly mated. I claimed otherwise. It was my damn boots. The heels.. after years and years of repair and patching.. had finally called it quits. It was like walking on watery sand. And being as scatter-brained as I had been lately.. I have become the directional.. or horizontally challenged. Yamka was sizing up Six for new boots. Tarra so nicely mentioned that perhaps I should have Her make me a new pair. I leaned to let Tarra know... the reason I hadnt had a new pair made... was.. I just did not like people touching my feet. Yamka chuckled and told me to just give Her an old pair. Well... I didnt have an old pair. Just the one's on my feet.. and they were rapidly becoming less that scraps of leather. I had no choice but to relenquish my old friends into Yamka's care.. and go barefoot for the next few days. During this time.. I noticed something wrong with Sahnka. He was limping.. holding His leg. The claim was that He was kicked in the Na-na's by a bosk. Now.. while I am sure that causes pain.. it does not give the kind He was showing. I pressed.. and I pressed and I hounded the Man until He finally relented to let me see Him. But not at the main fires.. No. He was not about to drop drawers there. I was fine with that.. had Him follow me to the Nightmare. Upon discovering He did not get tagged in the berries.. instead.. He had a puncture wound to the thigh. Who ever had tended it.. did not do a very good job.. so I fixed it up for Him.. numbed it so He could have a peacefull evening. Sahnka asked me what I wanted for payment. I told Him nothing. It was my job. Perhaps someday there would be something I might need.. just to keep that in mind. He said I deserved it. I referred Him to Ash. If He felt the need to pay me for doing my Tribal duties.. then He and Ash could barter the services. I only like to barter with stranger that I know I can screw over. Heh. Just before we left to return to the fires.. He asked me if I would look in on Enhnasan's Father. Seems He is having a bout with forgetfullness and moments of distance. I told Him I would be happy to. There isnt much that can be done for the mind once it begin's to deteriotate with old age... but there are a few herbs and medicines that can help.. .at least bring the person up to speed with life. Unfortunally... by the time it is noticed.. many memories are gone. With the treatments though.. we can get them to a point that they can relearn things.. and hold onto the memory of a memory.. even if the actually event is not recalled. I hoped this was the case with Enh's Father. A visit would tell me more.

Once back at the fires... I got myself a blackwine... adding a few drops of paga on the sneek. I had a rough day.. not like I poured a whole bowl or bota. I just needed a few drops to relax. That's when Ash shows up. Grabs me, He did.. from behind. Which sent my defenses into drive. I dug my hip into His side and grabbed His forearm.. flipping Him over and to the ground. He answered by yanking me down to the ground as I helped Him up. Not nice. I chewed dirt for the second time today. Bastard. We sat near the fires. It was a quiet night despite the call for a party. There was alot of food.. that I helped myself to. Even a bota of paga.. errrrr that Ash took for Himself. Damnit.

The night wove its way down.. leaving Me, Ash and Mezoo. I was trying to get the bota from Ash when She excused Herself .. saying She had a gift for us. Cool!! I still love gifts !! Bring it on! I was hyper from my day... hyper from the rush of healing.. and hyper from all these gifts. So when I asked Ash for "just a sip" He said sure. For Himself. Growl. I got one up on Him.. diving into His lap to land a kiss to His lips and get a taste of that yummie paga. He was not happy... but Mezoo returned just in time to save my ass. Heh. She gave Ash a basket full of goodies. Dried meats.. bread... oil.. salt and wine. She handed me a charm for our wagon flap. Cords that twisted and wrapped to form a heart against dried grass. It was stunning. But my brain kicked in... Wine? Did you say Wine? I dove again for the bottle. Yes... I was acting. Overly so too. Like I said.. Hyper. Ash finally relented.. saying I could have a sip... and when I went for the bottle.. He said.. "I just didnt say when you could have it" Boskbum! I thanked Mezoo as Ash and She spoke alittle. Got myself up and headed to return my plate and bowl to the buckets for cleaning. I grinned.. jamming a bota of paga under my vest and turned to wish them well. Ash narrowed His eyes. I knew He knew.. and that just made the smile grow. He said something to Mezoo.. about teaching me to avoid the spirits. I wanted to add.. there was no avoiding them.. only ignoring. I wasnt that strong.... yet. So I took off running.. laughing.. my braid fanning behind me... barefooted.. Free and happy. I havent felt this rush of adrealine in a long time. It felt good. I called back... though not sure if Ash heard me as I darted into the darkness.

Catch me.... if you can.

Page 499 ~ Lil' box of yummmm

After falling back asleep in the ungiving grip of Ash... which.... I dont mind.. heh. I woke at my usual time just as the light began to crawl over the Harigga. I slipped.. well.. more like twisted.. pulled.. shoved and peeled myself out from under Ash's arms.. legs.. and whatever else He had blanketed over me... and went to dress. I wrapped my hair in a loose tail... put on an old tunic that hung to just above my knees and headed out to the fires. It was when I started down the steps that I tripped and went head over heels down to the ground. Chewing dirt and cursing up a blazing storm over a skinned knee... I looked around.. and then up to the platform. There.. sitting perched percariously near the edge.. was a box. An ornate.. beautiful box. The colors it captured.. the design.. the simple yet elegant pieces.. well.. I knew who it was from. Sev. Pushing up and then brushing myself off.. I walked back up to the side where I could lean and draw the box into my hands. I rolled it over and around in my palms.. smiling. I love gifts. What Woman doesnt.. and this was just.. pretty! As the box was fondled..I felt something inside shift against the sidewalls. Discovering it opened.. I found the edging and stuck a nail into the crease. It popped open and I peered inside. Removing another small jar and the tiniest brush I'd ever seen! The top of the smaller jar removed.. and the contents were given a sniff. Yum! It smelled sweet.. but it was alittle sticky. The color was a light red and instantly.. I grinned. Damn Woman.. I was gonna kill Sev. She made ediable body paint. Ive seen it before.. but was never the receipiant of such a... gift. Sticking a finger into the goo.. I smeared some on the back of my hand and immediately started to lap it up. Double Yum! The sweetness was devine.. the lasting stick of what I assumed was a honey base... sent my tastebuds into overdrive. Unfortunately.. I heard Ash stirring within the wagon. So I had to set the lil box aside and tend to my morning duties. Going about my usual paths.. getting breakfast ready for Aunt and the kids.. some blackwine brewing and such. Children started to filter out of their wagons... a few eating while they were still asleep. This always made me laugh. Eventually.. the kids all scattered to the winds to tend chores or lessons... and Aunt was finishing up Her blackwine when Ash emerged from the wagon.... uhmmm.. scratching. The look on the old Woman's face made me turn to hide the chuckle... I did not want another crack to the shin's.. at least not till the first one healed.. and now till my knee scabbed over. I heard Her muttered something along the lines of.. "Tarsk's Ass" and She lifted to head off to begin Her weaving. Ash ... still somewhat asleep... came to the fire. I handed Him a plate of eggs and funny enough.. tarsk strips... and then made Him a bowl of blackwine. He said nothing.. but I felt Him.. staring at me. And finally when I sat across the fire from Him.. He spoke. Asking me if I made this.. just for Him. Well I didnt have the heart or the bitchy mood to tell Him that I did this every morning.. and now I just made alittle more. So... I smiled and nodded. Technically.. I made a few more eggs just for Him.. and the blackwine I did make in a bowl... just for Him... so.. I wasnt lying. He seemed pleased.... almost... satisfied. Good. Always start the day on the good side... that way you can fall back on that card later if you fuck up. And I laughed to myself at that thought. He looked at me.. questioning why I was laughing... but I simply rose and walked over.. kissed His cheek and bid Him to have a good day. I caught Him with a mouthfull of food.. planned as it was. Then hurried off to finish dressing and braid my hair. I took that small jar into our wagon and set it on the shelf near the furs. I kept looking at it... over my shoulder. Grinning. I was setting plans into motion. Brow wiggle. Gotta love that Sev. And.. though I am no painter...

I knew exactly what I was going to........

... paint.

Yum.

Page 498 ~ It's like riding a kaiila...

...once you learn.. you never forget.

I thought for sure... I had forgotton. Or... I'd be a mess of arms and legs that just didnt.. fit anywhere. Perhaps trip over my tongue. Say the wrong thing. But... I surprised even myself. I write now.. by the dim light of the lamp beside my furs. Ash sleeps soundly.. peacefully alongside me... He smiles in His slumber. It was worth waiting for. Now and then... His fingers tighten around my leg as His hand rests over it. It is a protective jesture.. or perhaps a possessive one. Either way.. I do not mind. He vowed to bring me security and safety.. He promised to be always waiting on the other side when I sunk too deep into myself. I cant describe the relief to know someone will be there to pull me out.

It was a dream that woke me tonight... thankfully.. not too bad of one. Before it could even become more violent and terrifying.. I felt myself being held.. I felt a loving embrace around my shoulders and back. And I to consciousness within Ash's arms. He murmered something from the depths of His own sleep.. giving me a squeeze from those large, strong arms.. and pulled me into His chest. I felt His breath over my head... felt the pulse of His heart against mine. He sighed... like it was no big deal.. like it was natural... and slipped back into His dreams. I tried to fall back asleep to no avail. I kept wondering if all this was a dream in itself. I wondered when I would wake up.. back in my wagon.. alone.. sweating.. shaking. The longer I lay here.. watching Him.. feeling Him.. I am starting to realize.. this is real. There are no words to say what I want to. I only hope my actions can. I hope what was shown tonight in the privacy of our wagon's told Him just what I just cannot speak. I also hope He does not take my lack of words as me not caring. It is.. not that easy for me to express myself .. other than in anger. When I get worked up.. my mind collapses.. drops the barriers and things just fly freely from my mouth. Not the same when it comes to love. That barrier is bigger.. more fierce and protective. Frankly.. it hurts more when that wall is broken down and someone gains a footing inside the maximum security that chain links my heart. Ash has been patient.. and working His way slowly past the barbed wire. He pushes.. just enough so I cannot back away. It wont be long till He is totally inside the perimeter... and can delve His fingers into the raw.. sticky sinew that is me. The nucleus that is Silken. The driving force behind my many facets. I cannot keep Him out.. I cannot deny Him access. He was granted the all access backstage pass to me. I think... I like it.

As I lie here thinking all this... I almost wish He would just come charging straight though.. shred every piece of restraint.. tear me apart.. and mold me back together. The waiting and the anxiety are far too great to see over. It gets easier though.. every moment. With each sigh that reaches my ears... each moan of pleasure.. and each smile that touches my eyes.. every kind word or compliment... another brick falls from the wall of guard.

Tomorrow is another day. I dont dread them anymore.

Thank you Sky.. for not laughing and giving me these moments of peace.

At least...

for now.

Page 497 ~ Not just that

I was still limping from Nahir's crack to the shin over the whole Ash not coming to talk to Her about claiming me. I laugh when I think about how I shouted.. "Why ya hittin' me? I didnt do it!" Aunt replied.. "Cause your standing here.. and He isnt!!" Good valid point.. old Woman. How can you argue that? So... I headed to the fires to see if Mezoo was there and make sure the paga was guarded for the party. I found Tarra and Kaeli there. Of course my limp drew attention... and my inadvertant course of direction that nearly had me walking into the fire pit. I was scatter-brained tonight. Tarra said surely I didnt want to be a crispy Tuchuk. No.. not yet.. I replied and chuckled. Now the limp was questioned and I told them about Aunt being alittle... peturbed and the resoning behind it. Tarra nodded.. She agreed. And about that time.. Ash snuck up behind me and added His two coppers. He asked if I wanted Him to... "Knock Her down a peg" uhhhh Aunt? My Aunt Nahir? We all laughed. That was like Him trying to gain an edge with Oren... or Kamchak for that matter. All these people.. protective over their kin.

Somehow the conversation turned to... yup.. you guessed it. Sex. That was the real reason I was walking funny.. wasnt it? I think Wily listens to these conversations... not so much looking to the slaves for tid-bits to tell His sister's. I tried to divert the interest in my sex life.. away from the act itself. I didnt want to just come right out and say.. hello? We havent done it yet. But I did say... that It just isnt all about sex. Kaeli didnt help by adding.. Yeah but it sure is a fun part of it. Groan.

Now.. I was hardly ashamed that the act itself hadnt taken place. Alittle disappointed? Yes. We wanted each other for sometime now. We just.. did not act upon those base desires fully. And Im sure many thoughts of making the wagon rock and roll crossed both our minds here and there. But remember.. Ash and I have done this before.. Mating. And I think the older you get... the more importance is put on the deeper more connective meanings to a relationship. Not that.. being taken to His wagon and undressing wasnt highly erotic. It was. But the whole... looking.. and exploring.. touching and caressing... like learning a new pleasing aspect of someone... is also rather deep. The soft talking.. whispers and just down right relaxation of the moment was beautiful.

I found myself drifting away from the conversation at hand.. smiling. Eventually.. I excused myself to return to the our wagon. I had done alot of moving of things. A table.. two seats. New furs.. lots of new furs. Some colorful wall hangings... trunks of stuff filled with supplies. Ash's wagon now looked.. homey. Tomorrow.. I would paint the outside.. and the canvas.

I sat on the steps... grinning at all I had accomplished this day. I was pleased at my new purpose in life. Being a good Mate to the Man that gave me the chance. While I drank some warm milk.. waiting for Ash to return from the fires... I remember something said at fires tonight....

Mezoo and Ayguili had not yet been christened into the wonderful world of itching powder.

And the plotting began.......

Page 496 ~ Glowing

My first day as the Mate of Ashoak ran as normal. I expected to perhaps feel different.. I wondered if I was.. broken because I didnt. I mean.. I felt good.. happy... I took pride in the fact He chose me and He loves me. But... I guess I was expecting more than that warm fuzzy feeling. I wasnt somber in mood... I wasnt sad or angry.. I was simply content. Mezoo had mentioned planning a party for Hanse and Jess... and more paga was needed. So I set out my morning and went to the brewing wagons. I was joined by Wily... my second hand Man in the brewing process. He knew everything I did when I came to the making of paga. He helped me barrel the brews that were ready for consumption and set the taps. With Jax help.. they loaded a spare wagon to the canvas.. three barrels wide and four rows back with the celebitory drink. Wily also made sure that the paga wagon's among the Harigga also had new stock. In days of late He has been hounding me not to go to those wagons. They "aint fer Women" He tells me. "It's not a problem when they want the drink bad enough... no one seems to care" I tell Him. Wily just shakes His head.. my once little bug is a grown young Man... on the verge of telling His Mama what is right and what isnt. But I laugh and still hug and kiss Him when no one is looking of course.

Wily and Jax headed off to hook up a team to the party wagon and bring it to the Ubar's fire. When I stepped out on the platform of the brewing wagon... I was suddenly caught in the eyeballing gaze of three beautiful young redheads. Talia.. Starr and Mia. Standing at the foot of the steps... looking at me. I turned to look behind me.. I even checked my vest... then asked.. "What?! Did I forget something?" "You dun look any differ't Mama" Mia said.. and Talia reached behind Starr.. whacking Mia. I lifted a brow and folded my arms... stepping forward to sit on the top step and looked at my oldest present daughter... it was one of those looks that demanded an explanation. "That's cause She aint" Starr whispered... "I told ya so.." She added. Talia began that nervous shift side to side on each foot. My clue that a sisterly discussion had taken place.. and I was the focus of it. Talia's darting of Her eyes from me.. to Her sister's.. to the ground and round about circles told me something deeper was up. "Was I supposed to look different??" I asked... lending my gaze to each child. "Tali said ya would, Mama. She said Mated Women glow and smile and.. and... walk funny. But I dun see any lights around you" Lil Mia piped up. "I see" I said with a small smirk. "Well... I am smiling... and I do glow around the fire... and yes.. I am walking funny. Remember Auntie hit me with Her cane?" My two youngest girls brightened up and smiled to me. They nodded and climbed the steps..leaning in to hug me. I kissed the sides of their heads and patted their backsides. "Go tend your chores now youngin's" I said. In unison they whispered.. "I love you Mama" "And I you my girl's" I said. They turned and started to dart off.. but Mia paused and kicked Talia in the shin growling.. "I told you Mama's hair glows around the fire!!! Not all of Her!" And Mia ran off before Her sister could respond. Talia then spun around to leave. My voice lowered to Her... "Talia......" and I patted the step beside me. It wasnt a question.. it was a request that She come sit by me and it was all expressed in sound. She hesitated but finally climbed the steps to sit with me. I wrapped an arm around Her shoulders. "Ok.. tell me what's going on" I looked to Her... and She turned that young face to me. "They asked me what it was like to be Mated" She said. "So I told them... You smile alot... you glow.. and you walk funny after" I nodded. "I see. Where did you hear this?" I asked. And Talia shrugged whispering "Some of the other girl's." "MMmhmmm" I hummed. "And why does a Mated Woman... have to walk funny?" I looked to Talia who immediately blushed. "Mama!" She hissed embarassed. "No Talia.. tell me. I wont be mad. We can discuss anything.. you know that." I said. Now Talia danced in Her seat.. I could see Her trying to find the right way to say it... and youza.. She did. "Well... cause... when ya get Mated... Ya... do it" I contained my grin and chuckles. "Ohhhhh I see." I said nodding. This seemed to loosen up my daughter's tension and She continued. "Yea.. the Man and Woman lie down in the furs and He rolls over on Her... His ost hides in Her cave.. the Man grunts a few times then rolls over and goes to sleep." I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing. "And who told you this?" I said.. trying desperatly to contain myself. "Uhhhh Wily, Mama. He watches the slaves." Talia nodded. Something told me it was Wily... and while I dont think that was exactly what He said.. it was the parts that Talia remembered. She is 13 turnings.. I thought and I turned to Her and slowly.. carefully began to tell Her that while Wily was sorta right.. He was wayyyyyyy out in the left herd. I saw the confusion cross Her features and got up. Into my supply wagon where one of the famous books was kept... not the graffic one.. but one that was made.. specifically designed for younger minds. The rest of the afternoon we spent sitting on the steps.. while I explained the birds and bee's. When I finished and closed the book... She turned to look at me... and suddenly wrinkled Her face up with a loud.. "EW" I chuckled. "You think that now.. but someday... you'll feel different." Talia shook Her head hearing me. I took Her chin in my hand. "Talia... whatever you tell your sister's.. please.. remember their age. And when it is time for them to learn... I will tell them.. show them.. just as I have you. Understand?" Talia nodded and whispered.. "Cant it be a secret? Just between you and I for now Mama?" "Of course my love" I said and leaned to kiss the top of Her head. "Mama? Did you and Ash.... do it?" She asked so quietly. "Well, that's not really your concern Talia. But if and or when we do... I can assure you I will look no different that I do now. Being Mated... It's not just sex Talia" Talia smiled and nodded. "Now.. off to your chores" I said and She bounded down the steps.. glowing with Her secret.

I shook my head and laughed... clutching the book to my chest as I watched Talia disappear. I took a few moments to look around the area and take a deep breath. The air seemed fresher... lighter.

It's not just sex .... those words crept back into my brain.

Funny how that wouldnt be the last time I would say that today.

Page 495 ~ Pages and Books

It all happened so fast. But.. when your a young 66 years old like me.. and some handsome older Warrior.. smart.. whitty... wisened to the world grabs you and says.. You are mine. Well? What's a girl to do? I accepted. Of course I speak of Ash... who else? He took my arm and dragged me to the Ubar last night and extended His wishes of laying claim to me. You could have heard a pin drop. But I heard the whispers behind me. I knew what they were saying... yet.. I did not care. It was time I lived for me.. not for what other's thought. They never took the time to see inside me.. or ask how I was doing other than in simple jesture. I admit.. I am guilty of this myself... but I would never openly knock them down for other's to hear. Cana.. Tarra and Kaeli did the jaw drop. Ramza I think spewed paga down His face and chest. And a few other's just stood there in disbelief. Suddenly my posse'.. my clan of Tuchuk Women began to poke jibs at Ash.. and well.. He said He liked it better when they were picking on me. I couldnt help but play into it and stab a few jibes His way. He took it in stride... proud Warrior He is. Then it happened.. Ayguili took my chin and made me look at Him. He asked me... if Ash made me happy... and did I love Him. Now I heard Tarra speak... I didnt get the chance to commend Her.. but I so wholeheartedly agreed with Her. She said to someone that questioned the fact I better love Ash... something along the lines of.. Love can grow with the relationship. I smiled hearing this.. and I answered Ayguili... He makes me laugh.. He understands me.. and I like Him a whole lot. Ayg patted my cheek and then turned to Ash... He asked Him if He loved me. Without hesitation Ash said yes. This shocked me. Now.. Ive known Ash since I was a young girl around the Harigga. But I wondered just how much He knew me. Was there a time when He watched me? When did He notice me? And how could He love me so soon upon His return. Was this a spark of fire that perhaps laid claim to His heart many years ago and only upon His return did it ignite? Questions that would not have answers this night.

The Women began to ask about my books. Everyone knows of my books. They are kept in safe keeping in one of my countless trunks in a supply wagon. Ash was indeed intriqued. But this train of thought was left dead in the water when Ayguili gave His blessing for Ash to claim me. I wanted no fanfare... I didnt even want this attention. Im no spring vulo.. Ive been around the rows a few times. This is.. my chance at life again. My hope for the future.. my wish for happiness. Mezoo gave Her wishes for many healthy babies.. and Ash paled alittle. I think He forgot about that part. I did too... when you have your own Tuchuk Tribe of kids waiting back at the wagons. And then there is Aunt. Nahir is going to be pissed and I feel sorry for Ash and His body parts when She gets done pummeling Him. I dont know how soon Ash wishes to have children.. or if He even does. I know He had children long ago.. but they are no longer among us. Some may say this is something we should have discussed before.. but I say.. let it come as it will. I am tired of planning.. tired of plotting out my course. I am ready to face the world as it comes and hands me whatever it will. Live for today.. not tomorrow. It seems to work. Together.. Ash and I will face this... and His hands are big enough for both.

So.. He tossed me over His shoulder in the way of our old traditions. He took me back to His wagon... empty as it was. I already began to set my course to brighten up this wagon... and of course Jax was waiting to move all my wagon's closer to Ash's. I smiled as Ash prowled towards me. The look of want in His eyes. I sat perched on a brace of furs.. grinning nervously. When He touched my skin... I shivered and flintched. It was the birth of beginning.

and sometimes....

it is painful.

Page 494 ~ Within the future lies

After the discussion with Sev and Ash... I rode the red back to the Harigga.. back to the pens. Trading my red for a young brown that Wily had taken interest in... I had him saddled up and took the beast out of a test ride. He reined well.. responded to verbal commands and shifts of the weight and press of leg. So.. while we trotted along.. I began to think about things that had been said eariler... perhaps picking up on subtle inuendo's and some not so subtle... that Ash might have directed towards me. I began to think about the whole mess.. and I use mess because that is what it was to me... the whole mess of me liking Fonce. I knew early on that I was not one to.. peak His interest in any other way than a friend. It was my own stupidity that kept me trying to gain His interest. Ive become more atune to reading those body movements and now I can read the boskshit through the lines. Was Fonce somehow holding out an invisable hand pushing me back? Did He build a wall so high.. so thick and so long that nothing could get through? Yes. Towards me He did. He kept telling me to get to know Him. Yet.. how could I get thru... how could I know Fonce the Man without Him giving alittle towards me? I couldnt. I did what I could without breaking my own codes of ethics. I would not submit to lowering myself below my own ideal's just to get a foot in the door. Submit. Bad choice of words. No... I would not do that either. A Man is going to want me for me... not for what I think they want.. or in any way to get Him besides being me. I feel sorry for Fonce... that He is so guarded and cannot see life or people for what they have to offer... what most have to offer. Some are genuine.. some are flat out liars. I feel sorry for Him that He cannot see when someone is offering them their heart.. or even a piece of it. I feel sorry for Him that He cannot embrace those that love Him... those that want to help and comfort Him. I feel sorry for Him that He cannot grab hold of a chance... for chances sometimes turn out to be good. I understand His need to be guarded. I too am like that. You are afraid to let people in in fear that you might hurt them.. or they might hurt you... yet... if you dont.. if you dont allow a few shards of light inside.. eventually you are consummed by the darkness. I do not know what rages and torments Fonce deals with... I do not know what evil lurks behind the darkness of His mind... but I do know... that nothing I could have done would have shone a fragment of light to His soul. No matter what I had to offer... no matter what I gave.. no matter what I said. I was done before the first Tal was ever spoken. I am not bitter... infact.. I am relieved that I saw and heard what I needed to before it became to late. I love Fonce... I always will... but it is a love that is now reserved for someone close to my heart... much like a brother and friend. Anything else.. was a mistake. A one sided fuck up of a mistake. Tho.. several good things did come out of this expierence. I reconnected with Ash. A Man from my past... a Man that reminds me of who and what I was. He accepts every part of me.. good and bad. He helps me to walk back into life.. prepared to deal with things I ran from before. He does not allow me to hide... nor shadow myself in darkness. He vowed to stand beside me... not leading and not following.. but working together. He shows me that nothing anyone says or does matters to me. That I should not be concerned with petty shit some people try to throw my way. Hr promised to guide me through my troubles.. and that He would be standing on the other side.. waiting for me. For these few things alone... I am so thankful that Ash came back and that somehow in this twist of fate... we found our way to each other. My road of life has detoured once again... I travel down a new road.. an unfamilar yet familar trail. New highs.. new lows. New questions.. new answers.

From the Ashes... a great bird would rise...

Born anew to live again.

What if that great bird...

was a littlehawk

*A phoenix is a mythical bird with a colourful plumage and a tail of gold and scarlet (or purple, blue, and green according to some legends) It has a 500 to 1,000 year life-cycle, near the end of which it builds itself a nest of myrrh twigs that then ignites; both nest and bird burn fiercely and are reduced to ashes, from which a new, young phoenix or phoenix egg arises, reborn anew to live again. The new phoenix is destined to live as long as its old self. In some stories, the new phoenix embalms the ashes of its old self in an egg made of myrrh and deposits it in the Egyptian city of Heliopolis (sun city in Greek).

Page 493 ~ Say what?

An ordinary day... tending my herd of bosk. Something I had neglected to do... up until today. Jax and I headed out and rode the herd. Checking for any sick animals and marking the one's that needed care to their hooves. It was late in the day.. bleery eyed from fur and all.. tending a rather irrate bull that wanted nothing more than to be with his women. He tossed me a few times.. threw me several more and at one point whacked me with His head till I lay sprawled on the ground. He was happy.. and took off to his girl's. Jax was picking me up.. just about the time Ash arrived. He found it.... amusing to watch. I didnt. There was some exchanging of words between the two Men while I gathered up my supplies. Jax rode off laughing... to what.. or why.. I dont know. I was balancing my arms full of items when Sev rode up. She paused to talk for awhile... and somehow the three of us got onto the idea of a wager. Whether or not I could beat up Ash in a spar. The idea did interest me... this Man deserved an ass whoopin'.. I was just the one to hand it to Him. Cocky as He is.. He was so sure I would not beat Him... that He let Sev and I in on some past terms of wager's. Seems He once sparred with a Woman... She lost and was condemmed to serving Ash a bota anytime He requested it. She was also compelled to give Ash a compliment anytime He wanted one. This didnt amuse me... nor did I find it interesting. Yet.. the banter went on. Sev and I decided that if I did win... that Ash would most likely be held to clucking like a vulo everytime the word "Tal" was spoken at the fires. No less than twenty times would He have to perform this. And at the end of the twenty.. on the twentyfirst.. He would have to act out the laying of an egg. Grunting and squaking fully. Ash listened still amused.. and then asked Sev who Her Guardian was. She responded by saying a very protective Man. I responded by saying mine was a beast.. a horrible Man. Ash asked again... and Sev told Him.. Ayguili. We both smiled when Ash said.. He is both your Guardian? We high fived each other without the motion. Yup. Ash said that He saw Ayg to be an understanding Man.. reasonable... and that He thought He might enjoy having Sev and I serving Him bota's and passing out compliments to Him. I nearly choked on my tongue. No F'in way would I serve that Man. My response to a compliment... I voiced openly.. "Ayguili.. my my your smelling wonderful today.. just like the rotting flesh of a dead bosk's ass" Sev laughed. Seems we both knew this Man too well... perhaps shared a few similarities of opinion too.

I had to leave.. and I slid up into the saddle of my kaiila... leaving Ash and Sev to iron out the details. I bid them farewell... and was answered with Ash saying He would... "see me later". I had to do a double take in the saddle.... catching that smile on His lips. He had other things on His mind than just... seeing me. This I was certain of.

It left me riding back to the Harigga... a confused look.. a racing heart and mind... and I just could help but ask....

Say what? ::head shake goes here::

Page 492 ~ Connecting the dots

Ash urged me to come to the main fires... not be so secluded. I told Him I was most comfortable there... in seclusion. I could gripe about it at my leisure and yet no one could tell me what to do. He suggested that maybe I'd done it for so long I didnt know really what I was feeling anymore. Being alone and not being alone seemed difficult to explain. I like being alone but I dont want to be... all the time. It was this... explaining.. this jumping from thought to thought that had my mind swirling and quite honestly.. I wanted to hurt someone.

I did pick up and move my sorry ass to the fires. Got some blackwine and parked a lean against a wagon. I was not exempt from the whispers that floated around.. those enviatable rumors that started when people cry "foul"! Aunt had even expressed a concern towards Ash and I.. spending time together. I told Her everything I knew. I told Her how I was there the night Ash and Ayguili spoke.. and how Ayg said He would work as a Warrior of this Tribe. It actually made me feel as if Ayguili already knew Ash.. or knew of Him. I had already known Him... seems Noya did too. What transpired between the two Men... I do not know. I do know He was welcomed back.. along with Sahli and Jaella that night. I know Ayguili had given Him His wagons back and I know He was given a kaiila. No one had been asked to step up and speak for Him. So for whatever reason's Ayguili had... He allowed Ash to return from His journey and take His place once again at the First Fire's that night with the same welcome Sahli and Jaella got. Aunt nodded as She listened.. finishing this talk with a statement that She would do Her own recon of information obtaining and would get back to me. I grinned... wily old Woman. She was not at the First Fires when Ash was here.. or me for that matter. Let Her go hunting... I knew She would find what She wanted.

As far as the year keepers are concerned.. Ash was known to be of the Iron Workers... not a prospect. So... I treated Him as such. I'd like to know where the wrong doing is in that? But.. I didnt concern myself with the petty rantings of shit stirrers. I like Ash.. I like spending time with Him to connect the empty spots between His leaving on a journey and His return. I like seeing how they click and fit into the time of when I was here and then the return. I like the spark of interest we both have in each other. I will admit.. it is more than just a friendship. I liked Him way back when.. I like Him even more now that He has matured.

But I color outside the lines. So there I was sitting at the fires when Ash showed up. We sat for Ahn's without the visit of one single person to the main fires. Was nice. Again the conversation flowed easily between us. We talked of life.. love and mating. Lil red showed up.. sporting a rather nasty bruise on her face. So we talked about that. Little sprite that girl is... I like her. We teased and poked fun at Ash.... riling Him up alittle before red had to leave. I was left once more with Ash. I think I like how He picks my brain and gets all the ooky stuff out.. brings it to the surface where I can swipe it off and start again. From a string of data that rolled forth... He told me .. He wanted to Mate again.. I said Alright. Like I was anyone that could jump up and say.. No! Dont do it! But He said I misunderstood what He was saying. Did I? Or was I trying to avoid what I knew He was implying. I casually advised Him that Ayguili was my Guardian.. He had the say as to who I would be with. Ash got cocky and said He could by old law just up and claim me. I said that would not be right.. that Ayguili deserved the respect of a visit first.

I had to leave. I had children to tend to. Ash smiled at me as I left. I shook my head grinning too.

As I walked back to my wagon's... I wondered if I was taking steps to connect the dots from my last ending to my new beginning.

And I wondered what picture this step would take.

I had to stay within the lines.....

this time.

Page 491 ~ And She would wake with a kiss....

from the fire of a heart.

I slept.. and slept and slept. I did not dream.. or I do not remember dreaming. Somewhat surprised when I did drift into a conscious state.. I was not sweating. There I be.. in my furs.. completely relaxed. Sure... a few days had gone by.. I'd missed alot.. but I had sleep tucked under my belt. Jax helped me out to the fire where Ash was waiting. It was good to see Him... even though He argued that I was to rest more. I told Him I needed to get to work.. and that included Him. I had placed His stitches well enough before that they needed to be checked. He said He was fine. I wasnt going to argue.

While I had some water that Jax brought.. the three of us sat and talked. I had no pending nightmares to blur my thoughts.. so it was just a tangent of speaking of the past. I was happy to hear of Keifer and Kenope... Vi.. and other's of the first fires long since gone. It was still my secret that I had only reciently seen them. We spoke of the different Ubar's since Ash had taken His journey.. and that got me wondering if He had gone to the Sardar's.. as alot of Men do. I did not ask yet... I would save this for another time. I did ask Him of His Mate, the one He had just before He left. The one I remembered. He didnt say much. I also did not push further... knowing the scars of the past are sometimes very painful. When He did ask me what had happened to His Mate.. I could not answer Him. She.. just like many other's of the First Fires.. had just vanished. I wish I could have told Him something.. but there was nothing.. not a tidbit of info. I could give. That's not to say.. Perhaps.. I did not remember. But I would not make a speculation on something like that.

I turned the track of thought to something more pleasant. Like remembering the fun we had around the fires. Some of the pranks that were involved and some of the events from that time. It even sparked memories that I had forgotten and it made me laugh till my sides hurt. Damn if Ash didnt remember me painting the Ubar's wagon pink. He was Commander of the Ubar's guard then.. and well.. it was His duty to find out who had done it. I know I hid.. errr avoided Him for a good five days back then.

On and on the stories emerged. Some happy.. some sad. Some.. I know now why I placed them in a spot so I would not remember. I finally had to excuse myself so I could return to my wagon to clean up and then get more sleep. I needed to venture to the main fire's soon. Didnt want to be accused of pulling a disappearing act or anything. So... I left Ash and Jax for the comfort of my furs. I had been kissed by the fire of a heart. By those that cared.. by those that loved. It was a good feeling to have again.

And more of the pieces fell back into place.

Page 490 ~ Lucid Dreaming

For three days... I did not leave my wagon. There was nothing wrong. I was not sick in the sense that my body was fighting an infection. But something was amiss.. terribly wrong. Jax first noticed it after the dawn of the second day. My moments of waking consciousness dwindled. I spent less and less time awake with the children or around my fires. Even leaving the wagon to visit the trenches became scarce. I had not eaten... rarely drank anything... so by the end of the third day... Jax knew something was wrong. Eventually... I did not wake up. Not even to the shaking of my shoulders or the calling of my name. My skin was warm.. feverish.. and brushed red with a firey hue. He soon called upon the healers.. the Elders.. my Elders. One by one they visited... heads shaking as they left the wagon. They could not explain the sudden deep sleep or my inability to wake from it. My breathing was slow.. my heartrate was steady... yet I did not respond to external stimuli. Not even the prick of a needle into my flesh would invoke a wince or reaction of any sort. I was literally.. the sleeping dead.

This was not the case.. for me though. I could hear them.. all of them... in a distant fog. But I could not find my way back to them. Between me and them.. was that mist. I had vowed to conquor it.. I had been given five days.. and by the Skies.. I was going to defeat it. I had to turn away from them.. from life and love.. home and family and I began to walk from the mist. Further and further away from the sounds of voices... until.. it became quiet. I heard them no more.. it was just me.. and the shifting mist. My steps were silent.. there was no crunch of leaves or brush.. no bending of grass.. no echo. But soon.. something did give under my boot.. and I looked down to see a single stalk of grass that grew and bloomed into a branch of flowers. When I stepped around it.. hoping to let it grow and thrive.. I was stopped by the mist. Shifting.. making me turn back around. Each time I tried a new direction.. I was detoured. Something told me to pick the flowers. And I did. Carefully.. gently... so as not to break the roots. I brought the stems up to my nose and inhailed the most sweetest of scents. The mist parted. I stood motionless.. clutching the flowers... and I watched as a form began to take solid shape. It was... my MistMonster. This time... I did not run. I waited.. waited for Ahn's.. perhaps even a day for Him to move. He came closer finally... my legs felt weak.. I was shaking. Several paces away.. He slammed a foot into the ground and I felt the vibrations roll through me. Still.. I did not move. I swear I saw Him smile from under His mask. He closed the gap between us and lifted a long.. boney finger to point between my eyes. I stared past the hand and into the darkest eyes Ive ever seen. Black.. lifeless.. void of emotion other than to instill fear. Taking a breath... I looked down to the flowers and found myself plucking one from the stem. Turning it over in my palm.. shaking.. I took hold of the wraith's hand... flipped it over.. and placed the flower in His palm. I closed His fingers around it... and whispered. "I have no use for you anymore. There are those that love me. Yes.. there are those that hate me. But love conquors hate.. everytime. Leave. Leave me now." Rage filled His eyes... He began to shake.. to.. fall apart. Pieces began to crack open and a bright light filled the gaps. I heard Him scream.. a bloody battle cry... and then.. in a quick instant.. He exploded and scattered like dust to the winds. Errie silence stilled my heart... the mist around me still remained. But in an odd turn.. began to change in color and density. It became more.. friendly... more pleasing. And one by one... those of my past and present came forth from the mist. Those that now ride the Skies from one side.. and those back home from the other. I was surrounded by love... by smiles.. by family. Yet it would be Hawks that would step forward and speak to me on behalf of the other's departed. He spoke of this trial I had endured.. and how I had to endure it. How I needed to grow.. to expand deeper as a Woman. He was proud of me... they all were. With tears in my eyes.. I looked past Hawks to see Blood, Dove, chartey, Jerus, Mars, Sparrow, Grim, Trajen, Steel and even Alpha.. my beloved kaiila. There were countless others... more than I could put names to.. some I only remember by face... yet.. each was there to bring a smile to me. My graitude was overwhelming.. and I took the time to approach each departed loved one... plucking a flower from the stem to be placed in their hand. Love had conquored hate. And in the same jesture that it was destroyed... I renewed my faith in the past.. embracing it for each person here was a part of my molding.. and now a part of my rebirth. I cried the hardest when last I came to Jerus. So much I had wanted to say to Him... even now He knew what would be filling my heart. He smiled that wily grin of His.. a twinkle in those icy blue eyes and leaned to kiss my cheek. His hands were placed on my shoulders and He turned me around. Though I did not want to leave Him.. them.. I had to. Hawks stepped to take my cheeks in His hand.. He too leaned to kiss my lips.. as gently as He always did. A soft whisper remained.... "You have many waiting for you, littlehawk. Go back.. fullfill your life. Raise the children in the true Tuchuk ways. Be true to the laws Silken... they will never steer you wrong." " I love you... " I said.. then turned to my family... "I love you all. Thank you." Each one smiled to me and then began to fade back into the mist. Jerus and Hawks remained.. side by side. Jerus spoke.. "Go Silken. Go back to the people. They need you.. the children need you. We will always be here for you. Always." I could have given up right then and there.. I could have grabbed one if not both and made them drag me back into the mist with them. But... I knew the words they spoke to be true. I was needed.. and I was wanted. So.. with the hardest first few steps.. I turned back towards the one's waiting for me. My family still alive on the plains. Embraced by countless arms... I was led back towards the warmth of light. Just before we stepped past the mist... I turned back to lift a hand to Jerus and Hawks. My tears stinging my eyes and burning my cheeks. They smiled and nodded. I wouldnt look on them again... but stepped over the threshhold of darkness and into the reddish glow of firelight. I felt myself falling but was surrounded by my family and friends.. each touching me like they guided me on a specific track. I felt them let go and I drifted gently into a plush pile of furs. The world around me... the one that had been home for the past four days began to break away and the sounds of the plains filled my ears. Jax was heard first... His voice soft and tainted with concern. "Silken? Can you hear me? Do you want anything?" I licked my lips.. my throat was dry.. burning.. yet I managed a soundless whisper.. "Water" Hushed air scratched my throat and I winced. Jax pulled the blankets up around me... I began to tremble as life was restored to my limbs. It was a pain I'd never felt before.. and I hoped to never feel again. I moved an arm as Jax ordered a slave to get me a bota of water and touched His hand. He turned and crouched low... His ear close to my lips. I tried to speak.. but again just light airy tones... "Tell Ash... I did it. Tell Him.... I..." Too weak to finish the sentance... I released Jax'. He took my hand.... pleading with me to hold on. He sent Dakota out of the wagon with instructions to find Ashoak... quickly. Kota took off like His breetches were on fire. Almost knocking the slave girl off her feet. she brought the water and Jax poured a few drops into His palm.. lifting my head to drink. I coughed as the coolness of liquid painted the dry tissues of my mouth and throat. A deep breath taken and I went limp. Paniced.. Jax tried to wake me.. shaking me.. screaming my name. I winced as He did so... and a healer stepped up... taking His hands to stop Him. She checked me over... and then turned to Jax. "Easy Warrior. She sleeps. She will be fine now." The Woman said. Jax let out a long held breath and sat beside me... taking my hand in His and brushing His fingers over the lenght of my fingers and back to the wrist over and over. I smiled lightly... I sighed softly. It was then... He noticed that clutched in my hand... was an empty stem. Every flower had been removed. When He tried to take it from my hand.. I clutched even tighter to it. " I... did.... it... " I whispered. And fell into a deep.. relaxing.. peacefull sleep......

I did not dream.

Page 489 ~ Breaking the spell of illusion

Sweet revenge,

the bitter end.

This time.......

Break the spell of illusion.

Bound together waiting for you.

Jax had returned from the outer wagons and back to my fires. My friend.. and family was welcomed.. eagerly. I asked Him how His trip was. He replied it was successful. Puzzled by this type of answer... A brow lifted. He told me how His trip was not just to see His family.. but to visit an old friend.. A Spex. Ah.. I nodded to Him. And then Jax presented me with a small wrapped object. Curiousity set in. "What's this?" I asked. "Silken.. you and I have been friends for a long time. Ages upon years. It troubled me greatly to see you suffering. The dreams.. the fear.. the saddness. I requested this for you. It was made for you.. to help with the dreams. I want you back Silken. I want the old Silken back." Jax said. Normally a Man of very few words.. I found myself tangled by each one He spoke. The sound of His caring.. the tone of His thoughts. I was touched.. deeply.. profoundly. Slowly. I began to unwrap the gift... and soon held a ring of feathers and webs. "I've seen these before" I said softly.. admiring the work.. the effort and care put into the gift. "It's a dream catcher" Jax said. "Dream catcher??" I repeated. "How does it work" I asked. Jax took a seat on my wagon steps.. taking the catcher from my hands and began to speak as a long finger traced the various webs and feathers..... "A spider was quietly spinning his web in his own space. It was beside the sleeping space of Nokomis, the grandmother. Each day, Nokomis watched the spider at work, quietly spinning away. One day as she was watching him, her grandson came in. "Nokomis-iya!" he shouted, glancing at the spider. He stomped over to the spider, picked up a shoe and went to hit it. "No-keegwa," the old lady whispered, "don't hurt him.""Nokomis, why do you protect the spider?" asked the little boy. The old lady smiled, but did not answer. When the boy left, the spider went to the old woman and thanked her for saving his life. He said to her, "For many days you have watched me spin and weave my web. You have admired my work. In return for saving my life, I will give you a gift."He smiled his special spider smile and moved away, spinning as he went. Soon the moon glistened on a magical silvery web moving gently in the corner. "See how I spin?" he said. "See and learn, for each web will snare bad dreams. Only good dreams will go through the small hole. This is my gift to you. Use it so that only good dreams will be remembered. The bad dreams will become hopelessly entangled in the web." When Jax finished His story... I was.. speachless. This Man.. that I had known all these years... one whom protected me.. fought for me.. took alot of shit for me... had travelled back to the outer wagons for me... and brought me back a gift of immeasurable worth.... now stood.. I swear He wiped a tear from His eye. He climbed my steps... hammered a nail into the wood above my door and hung the intertwined webs and feathers from it. I watched in awe.. and yes.. I cried. Filled with more joy and happiness I thought I would burst. He walked back down the steps.. took my hands in His and leaned to kiss my forehead. "I only want the best for you Silks. Try. . . try hard. Know there are those that love you. We need you." He smiled down to me.. kissed my cheek and departed with a final.. "I will keep watch. I will be there if and when you need me. Rest now. Sleep." He stepped into the shadows.... and I smiled as tears streamed down my cheeks.

I focused on the dream catcher as I walked up the steps. The feathers touched the top of my head as I entered the door... like a lingering caress that bid protection. My wagon door was closed. Jax paced the perimeter with a watchful vigilence. I had informed Him of my intentions this night. Many a night He had rushed into the wagon to my screams.. He had held me tight.. rocked me slowly.. until the night terrors had passed. He was otherwise helpless those times... He wanted to fight an attacker that He could not see. But now... He had backup. Now He had given me a doorway to close upon my MistMonster. I was confident... I felt strong. I had the dream catcher... I had Jax... I had Ash. It was time to break this spell... this horrid illusion. So I lay to my furs... armed to the teeth with my weapons...closed my eyes... and slowly drifted off to sleep.

Page 488 ~ Dream Warrior

I lie awake and dread the lonely nights

Im not alone

I wonder if these heavy eyes

Can face the unknown

When I close my eyes I realize

You'll come my way

I'm standing in the night alone

Forever together

We're the dream warriors

Don't wanna dream no more

We're the dream warriors

And maybe tonight

Maybe tonight you'll be gone

I feel the touch comin over me

I can't explain

I hear the voices callin out

Callin my name

It's the same desire to feel the fire

That's comin your way

I'm standing in the night alone

Forever together

We're the dream warriors

Don't wanna dream no more

We're the dream warriors

Maybe tonight you'll be gone

We're the dream warriors

Ain't gonna dream no more

And maybe tonight...Maybe tonight you'll be gone
~Dokken



I met a newcommer to the Tribe. Taidjun. Interesting fellow. He likes to push buttons. He seemed to know Yamka... and visa-versa.. so.. being in the good mood I was.. and of course.. never one to hold back... I started making kissey faces at the two near the stream. At one point Yamka blushed. Heh. Cute. But in the end they both looked at me like I had Ost's crawling about my hair. Heh. Perfect. Yamka departed quickly.. leaving me with the new guy. He was intent on telling me to get over being switched by a Warrior that didnt take to kindly over my... practical joke. I admit.. I had been brooding. But who the blazes was this Man to tell me what to do? Ash showed up. Perfect timing. I was about to lose my cool with Taidjun when my Dream Warrior stepped in and took control. For a moment... I wondered if I was dreaming again... since they seem to be infiltrating my waking world. No... this time.. I was wide awake and engaged in a different sort of battle. It would not be my only one of the night.
Ash gave a small tug to my braid and began speaking for me. This did not go over well with me.. and I commented on it. Even this Taidjun said.. sometimes it is best to have a Warrior speak for you. Uhhhh really? Well I guess that depends on what... hole they speak from. The one in their face?? Or the one... very way South.

I did my best to listen to both of them... without comments or snide remarks. This lasted about an Ihn. Finally.. I shut down. I still had no expierence in how to handle such situations.. it was best to just.. remove myself quietly. Taidjun seemed satisfied to win this round. He left without a word to me... just a well wish for Ash. Ash said I did pretty good.. considering what this Warrior was up to. Either way.. next time.. I would be ready. We talked more about the dreams. Ash was concerned... even to the point of saying someone might die because Im so tired. I promised Him I would get more sleep. That was not good enough and He said I was to see one of the Spex. Oh hell no! Had I not really liked this Man.. I would have clawed His eyes out and poured salt in the empty sockets. I told Him I could not. I did not trust them. I did not want them in my head.. besides.. they didnt give an Urt's ass about me and my problems. Trust me on this. He said if He was to stick around.... If there was to be any future that encompassed an "us".... that I would go and see the Spex. I begged Him for more time.. five days... to work this out on my own. It was only receintly that He had come back.. and was head over boots in helping me... and yes.. He was helping.. greatly. I just need more time to get the puzzle pieces back into place. He thought for sometime in silence.. I could see Him thinking.. and trying to get a grasp on what I was saying. Finally.. He asked.. "And if at the end of these five days... if the dreams still remain?" I told Him... then I would go to the Spex. I promised. Again.. He was silent.. studying my eyes. After a few moments... He said He would allow me my five days... and if I had these dreams after that... I BETTER tell Him.. and not hide it.. or the outcome would be far greater than I could ever imagine. I agreed... very very reluctantly.

I was suddenly very tired.. exhausted. Ash took me back to my group of wagons. Thanking Him for caring.. for not running off or simply avoiding me.. I bid Him good night... I entered my wagon and prepared for probably one hell of an epic battle that I would soon face. One that only I could face. No one could help me. But at least I knew....

someone would be waiting when I emerged from the mist.

Page 487 ~ But I just wont do that....

And I would do anything for love, I'd run right into hell and back

I would do anything for love, I'll never lie to you and that's a fact

But I'll never forget the way you feel right now, oh no, no way

And I would do anything for love, oh I would do anything for love

I would do anything for love, but I won't do that, ah, no I won't do that

And some days it don't come easy, and some days it don't come hard

Some days it don't come at all, and these are the days that never end

And some nights you're breathin' fire, and some nights you're carved in ice

Some nights you're like nothing I've ever seen before or will again

And maybe I'm crazy, oh it's crazy and it's true

I know you can save me, no one else can save me now but you

As long as the planets are turnin', as long as the stars are burnin'

As long as your dreams are comin' true, you'd better believe it

That I would do anything for love, and I'll be there 'til the final act

And I would do anything for love, and I'll take a vow and seal a pact

But I'll never forgive myself if we don't go all the way tonight

And I would do anything for love, but I won't do that, no I won't do that

I would do anything for love, anything you've been dreamin' of but I just won't do that

And some days I pray for silence, and somedays I pray for soul

some days I just pray to the god of sex and drums and rock 'n' roll

And maybe I'm lonely, that's all I'm qualified to be

There's just one and only, one and only promise I can keep

~Meatloaf



My wrist and hand had fallen asleep from my head being propped up into the palm. I must have stared at the work table for quite some time. The same spot focused on... an oil mark into the wood. It began to take a life of it's own. It shape shifted turning from a herlit flying.. into a bosk lumbering across the grasses... into a face.. a dark face.. evil.. laughing. I finally looked away. This dream I was caught in was long and as much as I have to admit.. boring. I wanted to get down to the chasing.. down to the running.. so I could wake up and do something constructive. But tonight... my shadow did not show. There was no screaming.. no crying.. no calling for help. It left me alone.. funny.. how I didnt want to be alone.. yet at this moment... I did.

I poked at the blisters on my hand that had filled to clear watery bubbles. Wincing as I pushed the fluid from side to side. Even in this dream I felt pain. I sat back up and puffed out a large gulp of air... fluttering my bangs from my eyes and began to work on rearranging my work bench. There was a sudden knock at my door... and with little time to react.. it was flung open. Modesty aided me in grabbing the edges of the fur around me to tighten it closed. I was surprised and rather happy to see Ash standing in my healer's wagon. I fanned a handful of air at Him.. making sure it wasnt my Mist Monster in disguise. There was no ripple of vision... so I happily engaged Him in conversation until the darkness returned to finalize my torment for this sleep. We talked about everything.. things I wouldnt probably discuss if I was awake and conscious. We spoke of my likes and dislikes in Men. My fears.. my issues. What I wanted in a Mate.. what I expected. Now I know.. had I been awake... anyone would have laughed their ass off at my list. Especially a Man like Ash. He would look upon my fears and doubts as a weakness and just wave me off with a hand. I would be.. a... Silly Female. But this was MY dream.. and it would go how I wanted it to. Period.

I had the freedom to tease Him alittle. My mind allowed me that. No one could yell at me... punish me.. or worse for a dream. This was the only thing I could hang on to.. and do what I wanted without ill recourse. If He was going to intrude in my dream.. I was going to have fun and enjoy it.. damn it. And enjoy it.. I did.

I woke slowly this morning... stretching out over the furs in the small sleeping area of the wagon back. It had been a night of pleasant dreams... a full night of sleep. And though I was still exhausted.. able to sleep for a hand straight... I felt I could face the world today. Just a wee bit more... aware. Perhaps slightly less... grouchy. I laughed as I thought of the possiblilty of telling Ash of my dream. He would laugh right back at me. I could tell Him... I could thank Him for saving me from the MistMan even if for one night. Yes... I could.... *smile*

but I just wont do that.

Page 486 ~ Mist-conceptions

I felt the small stinging pinpricks of the mist well before I woke up. I attribute... infact.. waking up to the mist. The fire still crackled and hissed... and at first glance no one was around my fires. Not the young Warrior with the broken leg.. not Jax.. Aunt.. not even Ash.. who had promised to rest. I sat up.. then stood up.. stretching. I'd guess I was alseep just a few moments... only because I wasnt standing there screaming or running for my life.. fighting off the attacker of my dreams. I smiled and laughed... "Ya didnt catch me fast enough this time ya old bastard" I called out. The shadows moved. The mist shifted. It was already circled around my wagon.. drifting.. edging closer. Pulsing with life. The outlines of things faded.. swallowed up until this tormenting ring of cloudy matter closed in to about the edge of firelight. Odd. This never happened when I was awake. Ever. Had the shadow found a way to infiltrate my being while I was awake? It wasnt possible. It couldnt be. I frowned.. I growled even. Really pissed off that this was happening. I glanced to the fire... I was not going to let this beat me. I would wake up.. I would wake up now! Crouching near the fire.. I took my left hand and shoved it into the rolling embers of the fire's coal's. One ihn.. maybe two. Fuck!!! Yanking back my hand... I gave a small scream. That bloody hurt.. not to mention the burning flesh smell... and.. blisters that formed? What the blasted winds was this? The mist laughed. Icy tenticles stabbed outward from the pulsing clouds.. pushed me.. poked me in the back.. making me spin around each time. "No!!" I screamed... "You cant be here! This is my realm! My World!" I ran into my healer's wagon.. slamming the door.. hiding. The wagon shook.. rocked.. the door flung open. The mist walled an escape. Hands appeared from the mist... large mangled fingers flew and cut the air.. grabbing me and squeezing. The air rushed from my lungs... and just before I thought I would pass out. It.... started raining? In my wagon??? A total downpour that drentched me from head to toe. The mist backed off. A figure formed and parted the vapor's. There stood Ash. Ahhhhh my hero. He held a bucket.. an EMPTY bucket in His hand. Lucky for Him.. I was still dreaming... or I woulda punched Him in the nose. "How long has this been going on" He said. It wasnt a question... it was a statement that deserved an answer. I felt the back wall of the wagon against my back. Finally.. I breathed. My lungs ached.. burned. Pushing off for the door... I brushed past Him. "Im fine." I said and started out the wagon. My braid was seized and I was pulled back in. "How... long" He said again. A deep sigh... I responded. "Since I was little" I could hear the mist cackle outside. "You cant live live this Silken." Ash said. "IM fine. It will stop.. eventually" I whispered. I did not catch the rest of His words as I stepped outside and grabbed the railing. Cursing that damn mist that rolled in taunting dance around my wagon. Daring me to step foot to the ground. I turned back around to speak to Ash... but He was gone. I popped back into the wagon.. looking around. No sign of Him. My head shook side to side and I closed the door. Moving to the back and slipping from my wet leathers to wrap a fur about me. Unbraided my hair... brushed it out... and sat to my work table. The blisters on my hand throbbed... and I brushed some salve on them. Hanging my head into my right hand with a sigh.

I wondered if I could sleep... in my dream?????

Page 485 ~ X's and Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh's

I didnt sleep again last night. Even though I had many good thoughts to occupy my time.. I still feared the Nightmares. Just hearing that laughter in the darkness was enough to make me ward off any type of slumber. It was dawn when I next looked up from the pots and jar's of herbs and salves I worked on throughout the night. A rush of young Men snapped me to attention. They carried one of their fellow trainee's.. His leg shattered and hanging at an odd angle. Blood dripped in a small trail behind them and all over them. I had the boys bring Him to the table where I began to work on Him. I sent the other's away.. I told them to erase the trail of blood.. to keep the animal's away and I sent one to His parents to inform them.

Ahn's later... I finished tending to this young warrior with a broken leg... I sat down by my fires.... Outside the Nightmare... coated in blood. It wasnt my plan to spend the morning and most of the afternoon.. repairing a wound such as that. Not your simple clean break.. no. The youngin had to go and sever one huge muther of a vein. Three infact. With the bone sticking out and Him yelling up a storm.. I had no other choice but to knock His ass out. Once the screaming had died down.. I worked feverishly to repair the damage. His leg grew cold.. lost color.. it was very grey. Odd to see flesh this color.. but after working carefully.. the life began to fill back into His leg. First pink.. then a normal tan. I didnt want to see this young Man lose His leg over pride. I acted as best I could.. I made the judgement call to fix it. His Parents later thanked me. So with the blood flow restored.. I gave it a few more Ehn to make sure the stitching held and He would not bleed. Satisfied everything had been tended.. I went to work on the bone. Setting it gently with a small snap back into place. Just like puzzle pieces. He was lucky. Internal and external stitches added... my signature X's on the outside and a nice dry wrap topped it off. I would keep Him in my recovery wagon... until I could make sure the vein's did not rupture or break... before I would cast His leg. Jax carried the young Man to the wagon and we set Him up to rest in some furs. I did secure the leg with a temporary brace so He could not twist or damage anything while He slept... or when He woke up for that matter. His parents sat vigil while I went to clean up. Funny thing about veins... the big one's.. they spurt. Streams of blood had trailed my arms and chest. Even my hair had received the dousing... though you couldnt really tell by color.. where it had dried it was thick and matted together. I was sitting by the fire.. unbraiding my hair and brushing it out.. trying my best to clean up. I needed water... so I hopped up and went to the water barrel's. It was on my way there when I heard my name called. Somewhat surprised to turn and see Ash behind me.... I jumped nervously and quickly rebanded my hair in a bosktail to the point it was at least bound. I gave Him a quick greeting as I fussed to secure my hair.. when He smiled and told me He enjoyed seeing it loose. Snarl.. growl... yeah.. ok.. though.... "You werent supposed to" I said. He just chuckled and came closer. I saw as He approached that He was holding His side.. His hand bloodied.. His tunic stained red. I bid Him to come and sit.. and lifted His tunic to see the wound. Ash told me about working His new kaiila in the herds... something spooked the beast and He went over and was gouged by a bosk's horn. He too was lucky it wasnt as bad as it could have been. So while I worked on sewing Him up... He told me that this wasnt the first time it happened. I hadnt noticed really.. I didnt take time to eyeball Him up. I was more intent on fixing the issue at hand. Half an Ahn later.. Ash had been patched up and bandaged. I gave Him orders... No riding for a bit... to which He pulled what every boskheaded male does.. He scoffed at me. So.. I told Him.. "Do what you want.. but when your lying there bleeding out slowly from the gut because you tore something... dont call me" He just laughed and kissed my forehead.. saying it was payment for my services. Not a bad payment either.

I needed to return to the young Warrior.. Ash said He would stay near the healer's fires... so I could check on Him later. I showed Him where the food and drink was.. and I went to check on the leg. The young boy was resting quietly with His parents. He was out of danger for the moment.. I needed to clean up. Off I headed to the bathing wagon's for a nice hot soak. Jax kept a watch outside while I washed my hair and scraped blood from my skin. By the time I finished I looked like I was bathing in a tub of blood. I had to assure the slave's that it wasnt mine when I left.. after a few screams and screetches as they went to empty the water. Heh. I like surprises.

Returning to the fire's to dry my hair.. I found Ash still there.. dozing. Sleeping perhaps. I wasnt sure. But either way.. I wouldnt disturb Him. I sat on a set of furs on the other side of the fire. Took out my journal and started writing.. now and then looking up to check on Him and on my other young patient. A deep sigh eminated from my lungs... I felt the tug of sleep pulling me hard. Figiting and fighting as hard as I could. The warmth of the fire.. the company.. the soft breeze of air across the plains.. the crackle and hiss of flames....

I was asleep in mid-stroke of the quill.