...once you learn.. you never forget.
I thought for sure... I had forgotton. Or... I'd be a mess of arms and legs that just didnt.. fit anywhere. Perhaps trip over my tongue. Say the wrong thing. But... I surprised even myself. I write now.. by the dim light of the lamp beside my furs. Ash sleeps soundly.. peacefully alongside me... He smiles in His slumber. It was worth waiting for. Now and then... His fingers tighten around my leg as His hand rests over it. It is a protective jesture.. or perhaps a possessive one. Either way.. I do not mind. He vowed to bring me security and safety.. He promised to be always waiting on the other side when I sunk too deep into myself. I cant describe the relief to know someone will be there to pull me out.
It was a dream that woke me tonight... thankfully.. not too bad of one. Before it could even become more violent and terrifying.. I felt myself being held.. I felt a loving embrace around my shoulders and back. And I to consciousness within Ash's arms. He murmered something from the depths of His own sleep.. giving me a squeeze from those large, strong arms.. and pulled me into His chest. I felt His breath over my head... felt the pulse of His heart against mine. He sighed... like it was no big deal.. like it was natural... and slipped back into His dreams. I tried to fall back asleep to no avail. I kept wondering if all this was a dream in itself. I wondered when I would wake up.. back in my wagon.. alone.. sweating.. shaking. The longer I lay here.. watching Him.. feeling Him.. I am starting to realize.. this is real. There are no words to say what I want to. I only hope my actions can. I hope what was shown tonight in the privacy of our wagon's told Him just what I just cannot speak. I also hope He does not take my lack of words as me not caring. It is.. not that easy for me to express myself .. other than in anger. When I get worked up.. my mind collapses.. drops the barriers and things just fly freely from my mouth. Not the same when it comes to love. That barrier is bigger.. more fierce and protective. Frankly.. it hurts more when that wall is broken down and someone gains a footing inside the maximum security that chain links my heart. Ash has been patient.. and working His way slowly past the barbed wire. He pushes.. just enough so I cannot back away. It wont be long till He is totally inside the perimeter... and can delve His fingers into the raw.. sticky sinew that is me. The nucleus that is Silken. The driving force behind my many facets. I cannot keep Him out.. I cannot deny Him access. He was granted the all access backstage pass to me. I think... I like it.
As I lie here thinking all this... I almost wish He would just come charging straight though.. shred every piece of restraint.. tear me apart.. and mold me back together. The waiting and the anxiety are far too great to see over. It gets easier though.. every moment. With each sigh that reaches my ears... each moan of pleasure.. and each smile that touches my eyes.. every kind word or compliment... another brick falls from the wall of guard.
Tomorrow is another day. I dont dread them anymore.
Thank you Sky.. for not laughing and giving me these moments of peace.
At least...
for now.
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