So the battle rages on. Inside me.. in my head. What do I do? Skies... if there is an answer.. I beg you.. bring light to this torment and give me an remedy.
I remember a time when I could smile with my eyes... I remember the feeling of it.. how my flesh tightened.. how my teeth would drag the softness of lips to part and show the whites of that grin. The type of smile that set one's scalp back over the bone of skull... a tilt of the head to the side.. a roll of throat to a swallow in the vast happiness. I remember the beating of a pulse in my neck.. so loud.. thunderous the thumping in my ears.. my chest. All this.. and more that cannot be put to words for a description... all that.. is gone. Soon to be faded memories. Perhaps holding onto them.. onto that memory is what is holding me back. I cannot be sure.. infact I know definately I do not know. It is the only thing I do know.
I sit and read the pages of this book back from times when I was on top of the world. When nothing could stop me.. no one. Now... I do not even remember that person. I wonder if it was ever really me that expierenced those adventures and trials. It is easy to disassociate oneself with the past.. easy to erase memories. But its harder to find yourself once your in a blackness of nothingness. I am not what they see.. I am not as strong as thought. I am soft.. weak.. tender... and I am in need to help. Faced once again with the puzzling question of how to ask for it. How to ask for help for something you cannot even begin to explain what it is.. you need help with.
I have forced myself to forget many things. I have washed away my pain of past hurts... anointed oils over my skin to purge the cursed soul from my body. None of this actually works... but for the last bit of sanity I have... I hold onto it like a Woman possessed.
Days go by... missing Ahn's.. chunks of time just vanished. I cannot recall where Ive been. What Ive done. Who I have seen. Yet... ever so softly I can hear my name being called. It is a voice I recognize but it does not belong to anyone that walks the grass of the plains. At first... it was a whisper.. tickling the inner parts of my ear. Now it is stronger.. sometimes making me turn to look from where I think the voice came from. No one stands there. There is none to attach to the voice. The voice that is so familar. I ask it... please.. tell me what to do. Tell me how to find my way back. I get... only the calling of my name.. beckoning me to it. Sometimes in my minds eye.. I can see the outline of a hand... fingers curling and extending over and over... pulling air towards it.. and wanting me to follow. Where does it lead? And to what? I suppose.. unless I actually take the step and move to draw closer... I will never know. What would happen if I embrace the hand? If I clasp it.. accept it? What will it take me to? Reasonable questions... no answers. I am not so far from reality that I would jump so easily to the call. At least not yet. I know of the tricks the darkness holds. I know it is not what I see.
But I ask you....
to...
Find me.
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