I threw myself into work today. Paga... brewing paga. After the night's celebration there was much replentishing to be had. By the time I finished.. I smelled just like the inside of one of the barrels. I reeked of paga. Dandy. Running back to the wagon... hoping that I would beat Ash there from the forge.. so I could change. I didnt need those damming looks again... I didnt need the accusations. Truth is.. I hadnt drank paga since... well.. I cant remember when. But I know it came down to a promise.. and I know I have kept that promise. Yes.. Ive had a sip here and there. Im not perfect... Im far from it. Im flawed... tainted and ... damaged. I felt the bile rise into my throat as His footsteps climbed our wagon steps. They were heavy... pounding and reverberating in my eardrums. My heart raced... soft fast that I had to gasp for a breath and remind my system to inhale. Ash called to me when He stepped into the wagon... me... I was trying to regain my composure. I obviously failed. Immediately He smelled the paga.. and that led to a heated debate over drinking and taking a sip. I didnt agree with Him.. but I was not in a state of mind to argue. He countered my attempts at dropping the subject with a knife in the back. He made me feel guilty. He brought up my dreams... He knew I was still having them though they were not anything as severe as they had been. He wanted to know why I drank? Was it to escape the dreams? If so... I was living in denial. At that moment.. that very iota of time... everything I held so tightly bottled inside me... rose to the surface. I could have vomited profusely for an Ahn... expelling everything out of me. It was that surreal .... that constricting. I found myself turning from Him... and hiding... I couldnt look at Him with what I had to say. Much as I wanted to stop myself.. much as I screamed inside of me. It came out. Slowly. I asked Him... if He knew just what spurred my dreams... did He have any idea? I knew He was under the impression that it was loneliness that caused them. But.. He said no. He did not know. And then came the flood of words. Chosen carefully... so as not to make any mistake... or have any misunderstanding. My secret was released... It boiled down to : I killed Him. I killed a Tuchuk. Ash reacted... better than I suspected. I was not so lucky. Panic.. sheer terror now flooded my veins. He said He would handle it. I took this as He would tell. He would run to the Ubar... He would explain what happened... and He would make it all better. But... I thought differently. I knew that the Ubar would have me chained to a wagon... confined.. or worse.. placed under guard. I knew I would be questioned... placed on trial.. and I would be killed for my mistake. Not the mistake of killing a dishonorable Man... but the mistake of not going to the Ubar when it happened. Ash argued that killing a dishonorable Tuchuk was not a crime. I retorted that dishonorable.. one armed.. one legged.. yellow.. green or blue.. did not matter. What mattered was.. I killed a Tuchuk. Even though.. it was many Years ago... I still drew blood and wet the plains with a Man's life in return for justice.... and I was paying for it. Now. Now that I had comfort and security... I had a life dangling before me. I went and fucked it all up.. based on trust and the need to purge this final demon from my soul.
Skies bless Ash. He wanted so badly to make it better... He wanted to take control of the wraith that haunted me... and it must make Him feel helpless that He cannot gain a hold of this nightmare. I understand. But I needed to know that I could trust Him with my life. If He goes to tell someone.. anyone... He no longer holds my life in His hands... but turns it over to another. I told Him... I made a terrible mistake.... yet.. much as I wanted.. I could not take it back. He said again... He would deal with it. Backpeddling.. I kept asking.. demanding that He tell no one. "This must be delt with Silken" was all He kept saying. I cried.. selfishly. I knew that I may have just altered any chance at a future for us. I cried for the babies that would not be born.. should Ash choose them. I cried for my children that would be left orphaned by my mistake.. and I cried.. because I already missed His arms around me. He spoke more.. reasoning this out.. I believe to help Himself understand. I could only listen. By the time He finished speaking.. I was exhausted. We both fell asleep... curled against the wall in the wagon.
But this time...
it wasnt a dream that woke me.
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