Page 471 ~ La Tormenta

Sure... everything is calm now. Quiet.. actually serene. How could anyone have such troubles when you look over the Plains. The beauty of the green grass.. the roaming bosk.. a welcoming bright blue Sky that children play under.. learning life. The pages of my heart feel heavy. Ready to burst.. spill forth all that I hold inside. I just dont... know... where.. to.. turn! I cannot confide in Aunt anymore. She calls me a silly child. Fonce.. called me a silly impatient Woman for wanting to go with Ramza that night Nette disappeared. Keyword here... silly. If Im so silly.. then.. why bother to talk of things? Exactly. I wont. I dont need more downing.. I need... uping. I need help..... but.. from where? from who?

Wily left a few days ago. He went with Jax to help find Nette. Leonette... My only confidante now gone. Perhaps it is this light that has me so riled. So upset. On one side.. I want to go with them. But I promised Ayguili I would not. I know many expect me to... surprisingly... I have not. On the other side... I know I cant. I cant leave. I can ride to the edge of the herds and send my whispers on the winds... hoping Nette comes home... hoping She knows I really need Her. Yet... not even that boot toe has crossed the edge of the herd. Any red hair past that invisable line.. blew there on the winds. That's for sure.

The fires. Ugh. Dont want to be there. I know why. Ive heard why. And I dont think I can measure up. Im too old for this fight. Simply... I dont want to fight anymore. I am not tuned into stalking. I am not trained for this type of battle. I dont know what to do.. and I hate it. Can you tell me... what to do about this storm inside of me? How much longer can I let it brew.. let it soak me... till my banks are ready to break and the insides of me ooze out like rain driven mud? Once.. I may have had the answer to this. I.... dont now. I dont "guess" well. I need black and white... with some grey matter in between. Why put up the fight.. if you know your going to lose? But what is He losing? What inner secrets and workings will never come to light? What will He miss.. of me?............. Everything.

Page 470 ~ The ole Switcheroo

After Ayguili laid down the law... He released me from the chains. I cant say I didnt expect some razzling over the situation I'd been in. He did tease me a bit.. about what to call me... etc. I tried not to show my fear of being returned to such a life... the life of a slave. His slave? Ew. I dont love Him.. I respect Him, yes. But I dont care enough about Him in that personal way to ever think of submission at His hands. Ayguili said.. I was not to set the toe of my boot outside the last circle of the herds. Not one red hair was to be found past the roaming beasts. It didnt help that Kaeli and I were on the same wave lenght... going barefoot... riding a kaiila.. dying my hair. Yeah. It was just that good. So.. with a sore set of ribs.. I sauntered my way back to my wagons. Still going over everything that was said and done.. I was in my own world. Suddenly... *Crack*.. a searing pain ran through my shoulder. I spun around while grabbing my arm.. ready to break someone in two.. when.. there stood Aunt. Her trusty switch in hand.. and it was cutting the air again.. whistling... and landed another blow to my thigh. *Crack* "Ow!..damn it old Woman! That hurts!" *Crack* another blow found it's mark against my hip. Now somewhere between the fourth and fifth strike.. Aunt started talking. Broken words.. accented with the hurl of Her arm and the snap against my body. "Dont.... *crack* you... *Crack* EVER... *crack* do that.. *crack* again! *Crack*" "ok! ok! I get it." I said to Aunt.. now trying to dodge and block blows that rained down upon me with many Envars of skill behind them. The final blow landed to my lower back.. arching me forward with a whimper. I spun around to grab the switch and yank it from Her hands. I took it between both fists... ready and willing to snap the branch in two.. when I looked to Nahir. I could see the pain... the anger in Her eyes... and behind that... I saw the fear. I could not bring myself to break the switch. It was almost as old as Her... it had a history.. and it was a friend to me.. growing up. I knew it well. Extending the wooden rod back to Her... She took it gently now... sighing as She shuffled Her body back to sit on the steps of Her wagon. "I worry for you Silken. Please. Dont go against the Ubar. Let them find Leonette." Aunt said with a soft tone. I felt every welt rise to salute the Woman's endevor and I walked to Her crouching with more than a wince from my ribs. I took Her boney hands in mine.. giving them a shake. "Aunt... The Ubar extended His wishes. I will obey them. Please.. do not fear or worry so much" I said. When She looked up then... I saw the tears in Her eyes. My heart dropped to my gut. "Your all I have left child. You... and the children." She said. "I know Aunt. And I... we.. will be here for as long as you breathe the air of these great plains. I promise." I said. I had made many promises these past few hands. Promises I intended to keep. I stood up slowly.. leaned to kiss Her weathered cheek and released Her hands. Heading to my wagon... I needed some time alone... time to soak away the pain in my ribs.. the stinging of my flesh and the ache of my heart. I would visit the stream. Gathering things from the wagon.. I started down the steps and was heading towards the water when Aunt called my name. I paused and turned to Her. "Child? Who is it that chained you?" She said. "Fonce, Aunt" I said.. and I saw Her lips twist into a frown. "Aunt.. He saved me from possibly a worse beating... if not a greater injury." I said softly. Her features softened... I could see She was thinking. And then She whispered. "I hope you thanked Him, Silken" I nodded... "Aunt.. I thanked Him. But it did not cover half of how it was meant... or how much." I looked to the ground. Aunt stood and said quietly. "Perhaps He knows already." She tucked the switch under Her arm.. heading towards our supply wagon. "I dont think so... " I said. Then I turned and headed to the stream. Aunt took from the supply wagon a small kettle.. filled it with roasted meat strips and slowly made Her way to Fonce's wagon.

The switch... still tucked under Her arm

Page 469 ~ A sail without wind.. goes nowhere

My desire to get away from Aunt took me on a long walk nowhere. I roamed the herds among the countless outriders and bosk for most of the morning. I kept thinking on the things Aunt said... rolling them over and over in my head.. sometimes I spoke them outloud and tried to laugh them off. By the time the Central Fire in the Sky began it's journey back down to the horizon... I'd worked up a thirst. I headed to the main fires... against the screaming wishes of my inner voice that said.. Dont do it. I should have listened... damn it. It eased as I got there and found Sev and Fonce. Fixing myself a bowl of blackwine after I said my greetings.. Fonce inquired as to the state of branding for my herd. I honestly had no idea as to where it all stood. He asked if Ayguili had taken care of it. I didnt know.. He said He would speak to Ayguili. I mentioned that Wily was back to working the Forge.. He had the iron's.. but I wasnt about to let Him go among the herds alone... not yet. So Fonce said He would speak to Ayg about this also. He asked me how old the Wily Man was now... to which I replied He was almost at His fourteenth turning. Fonce said He was in need of His name.. and His scar. Nothing could have made me more proud at that moment than hearing such. Yes.. the Wily Man was at that age... but I didnt know who all this would fall to now. I was more than thrilled to have Fonce step up and take care of my Son's first steps towards Manhood. Sev had to leave... which left Fonce and I alone to talk. I was about to tell Him my morning.. when Ramza stumbled in. He was pissy... and eventually went into His wagon to bust up some boards with His fist. Stupid waste of precious material if you ask me... but Men will be Men. I asked Ramza when He returned what had His panties in a bunch.. well.. not in those exact words.... I did tone them down to a simple.. what's wrong. He informed us that Nette had gone missing.. He found a piece of Her clothing.. and some tracks. He said He followed them.. but lost them. I didnt need to hear more.. I was ready to go. Ready to help find my Sister. Fonce offered an Or to go with me... even emphasised the fact that if they bid me to return to the Harigga at anytime.. I was to obey without question and return. Of course I would.. that was a no brainer. Ramza.. on the other hand.. would hear nothing of it. He screamed that I was not going. A tad bit confused... I asked Fonce to watch the kids till I returned.. and He said.. Are you going to disobey Ramza? I frowned.. and I reluctantly turned to walk over to Ramza... placing a hand to His shoulder. I asked Him.. to please... not make me beg. And before I could finish the sentance... Let me go with you... He clocked me. His fist drove into my gut with enough force to lay me out. His intentions were to knock me out cold.. but instead it forced all the air from my lungs. In the fog that followed.. I heard Fonce's tone change. He spoke sharply to Ramza.. telling Him to chain me to Ayguili's wagon rather than hurt me further. By the time Ramza had peeled me from the ground to be brought over and chained to the wagon... Fonce was there.. crouched beside me. As Ramza rode off... Fonce eased me to my back.. His fingers played over my ribs.. I assume to check if any were broken. It felt like several were.. along with every organ behind them. I stammered and stuttered for a breath.. trying to inflate my lungs once more. Still.. I refussed to cry.. I refussed to show pain... I would hold it in.. as long as need be. When I could once more speak.. even if in broken words... I asked Fonce to release me. He of course would not. I asked what I did wrong. He told me nothing.. that this was more for my protection against Ramza's anger... before I got hurt worse. I could see the point.. His point... but the chuckle that followed.. didnt go over well with me. He said He could see how I didnt find His comment humorous.. but that if I wanted to know Him better... I should get used to it. I did smile... and commented on how He thought I was simply sexy in chains. If He was going to use wit and humor.. I would add mine. His reaction confirmed my suspicions. He brought me a bowl of water with instructions to drink it slowly and crouched back down beside me.... explaining that He would speak to Ayguili.. telling Him this was not a punishment.... I... wasnt so sure of the outcome. But I trusted Fonce. What? Did I just say that? Ugh. I guess we shall see. So.. the wind is out of my sails at the moment. But the fire brews deep inside. I have a good supply of super duper itching powder with a certain Warrior's name on it. ohhhhh... Aunt is going to have a field day with this one.................. and me.

Page 468 ~ Game, Set, Match

It had been quiet around my fires. Both good and bad. Giving me the time to spend with my children before they returned to a normal routine around the First Wagons. But last night... shocked the shit out of me. I sat near the fire pit working on some salves.. grinding herbs.. the usual.. when Aunt stormed up. Nahir stopped before the ring of stones.. Her small foot tapping the ground in those well worn boots. I could tell She was irritated with me... even Her breathing was short and huffy. First mistake... I didnt look at Her when I spoke.. "What is it Nahir?" I said. She growled.. much like I did when in this state of mind.. grabbed my braid and gave it a yank so my gaze had no choice but to meet Her's. Perhaps my attitude gave me the check mark of.. mistake number two when I just sighed and slumped my shoulders.. crimping my lips into a half frown, half tweek of... youve just interupted me.. kinda look. Nahir's gnarled fingers tightened in my hair.. threatening to pluck a few strands from the roots. "What is this I hear?" She said... though I remained calm and answered Her. "About what.. specifically, Aunt.... you could have heard much." I nodded with a wince as I heard those few hairs pop free from my scalp. Her hand left my hair.. trailing those dark blood red strands with it. She set Her palms to Her hips and sighed. "Your in no condition to be.... interested in a Mate again" She said. I frowned now.. deeply. "A Mate? Who in depths of the Thassa told you I was looking for a Mate?" Now.. I stood up.. ready to fight. She shook Her head... "It doesnt matter Silken. But.. you need not be stepping into this again. Not with.. Him" "Him?" I said... just as She did. "Him... who?" I added.. now jutting my own hip out. That's when She slapped me upside the head.. my braid skittering across my back and landing over one shoulder. I growled and stepped back.. getting my anger in check. Instead of warning Her that I was in no mood for this.. I found myself almost whining.. being scolded like this. "Why did you do that?" I asked Her.. rubbing the back of my head. "Because you need to wake up and see that you are not ready for a Mate... expecially the likes of Him" She said. I shook my head.. I knew who the "Him" was... but I wasnt about to give in to Aunt being.... so... protective. Calmly.. I returned to sit and spoke to Nahir.... "Aunt.. Neither one of us is ready for a Mate. I merely expressed my interest in knowing Him. He is a wonderful Man... despite what He thinks of Himself and other's. Yes.. I like Him.. alot. He makes me feel alive again. Do not concern yourself over this. It is nothing." ...... Mistake number three. Aunt's fingers knotted into Her fists and they shook at Her sides. Had She been able to place a curse on me right then and there... She would have. By the Skies.. She would. "Do not tell me it is nothing, Silken. I see how you are... how you lose yourself around Him... even in talking about Him." She said. I stood once more... "Is it so bad to lose yourself in someone Aunt? Someone that makes you want... life? Love? Excitment? Someone to share all this with.. and more?" Aunt shook Her head... Her eyes were swallowed up by the wrinkles as She narrowed Her gaze on me. "Do not get yourself in this again Silken. I cannot watch you be hurt all over again" This made me frown and I turned.. walking away from Her. I said softly...

"It's too late for that Aunt"

Im already hurting.

Page 467 ~ History Mystery

The children had returned to a fanfare of hugs and kisses and clinging to Momma. Not that I minded. My two oldest girl's.. Talia and Starr had grown into such young Women. And Wily.. I did not recognize as that wild little bug. Jax caught my arm as I faultered.. almost passing out.. for the Wily Man is the vision of His Papa. Those icy blue eyes.. set off by that flaming red/blonde hair... I stared for a very long time. Mia and Sonny have discovered life without the twin conjoinment. This was good. They now take off in seperate directions and interests. Sonny bunks with Wily and Mia is off with Starr. To see them mingled in different ways than when they left is both pleasing and upsetting... for they are now grown past my constant care. Aunt is looking well. The trip did Her good. To see Her family.. and to be with my children seemed to take Envars off Her time rather than wear Her down as I thought might happen. She did need a nap when I welcomed Her home.. and was happy to have Her own wagon opened. I had cleaned it upon arriving in the South... opening it up to the smells of fresh warm air. Nahir slept most of the day while the children and I caught up on events. Jerus' family spoiled them as expected. I couldnt help but smile hearing how the other's were.. and how I was asked to come visit. I was not ready to do so.. things still fresh in my mind. But I listened with a smile and a secret yearning for my private wishes.

Dinner time came around fast and I needed to gather water for cooking.. baths and drinking. So I loaded up the Ugly Stick with four buckets and headed to the stream. Jax entertained the kids with the tales of the trip from up front... that were exchanged with the events from the back wagons. I arrived at the stream to find Fonce, Sev and Ramza there. I was greeted warmly. For this I was happy. I had spent some time with Ramza the prior night... He came to the Healer's fire and we passed time talking. It was a nice jesture and appriciated. The four of us joked alittle and talked. Fonce gave me some enlightening words of praise... that just made things turn all the more better for me. I needed to hear that and know that what I had done was noticed. I would smile the rest of the day. But it was Sev that shocked me... as the topic of Nose rings came up. She was interested in hearing of the old way.. the tradition of Ringing a girl into a Woman.. and how it was done from the time of beginnings. I sat beside Her and told Her from start to finish.. the ceremony of a girl birthed into a Woman.

I could tell by Her reaction that Sev was excited for the Ringing in itself. But my story of how it was done in the old ways seemed to actually excite Her more. I spent about an Ahn in speaking to Her... and when I finished... I rose to gather the Uhly stick and buckets of water. We parted ways then... me with a new outlook on things.. and Sev with a sliver of History that was part of me. The mystery now.. lies within Her.....

What will She do with it??

Page 466 ~ They can't have that

I tossed and turned for Ahn's... the events that transpired to wrench my guts into knots... played over and over in my head. I know in the heat of it all.. everything being said was taken literally.. wrongly. But the thing that bother's me the most.. was hearing two Women.. who.. In my eyes had always been such strong forces of belief's.. scream at me that.. "I had no choices" What the fuck!? I have a fucking choice.. I told them it was my choice NOT to agree with things being said and done. Yes... this is a Man's world.. I know that. But damn me to the depth of the Thassa if I will be told that I dont have the choice to agree or disagree with things. Fuck no. No way. A slave has no choice. They must agree with everything. I am not a slave. I will not always agree with things their precious Ayguili or Ba'atar may say... but I did not.. and will not argue that point in front of other's. That.. is my right. My choice. I will do as they ask... but I will not agree with it. No one can make me bow to something I do not believe in.. Man or Woman. So.. to disagree with Ayguili about Him dumping the contents of my bota out.. was my choice. To disobey and defy Him.. would have been to grab the bota and stop Him. I did no such thing. I disagree with that whole families ( that I know ) treatment of Women. To disobey and defy them.. is to step in and say.. Stop being a dick. But no... I agreed to disagree silently. Until last night when I could no longer keep it in via poking and prodding. By the early morning Ahn's.. as the central warmth rose in the Sky.. I had given up my anger and let it settle. If they did not care how they were treated.. why should I? If they felt they had to agree with everything and paste a smile on their faces.. let them. I dont care anymore.

I appologized to Cana several times before and after the slap heard 'round the Harigga. I did not mean to butt in and show concern for Her. I was trying to say.. Hey.. I feel your pain. Im concerned... Im here for you. But.. it took on another meaning and perhaps the backlash of pain was directed towards me. If I had become the target for other's pain... then.. so be it. Im used to it. Bring it on. Because I have a choice... I will either take it... or I will lash out and hit back.

Vee and Ess trodded into my wagon as life woke among the Harigga. They were bouncing with news.. and shortly after their tackle arrival... my eldest son Dakota broke the morning light of my doorway. I pulled from the twins grip to head to Kota. I embraced Him tightly.. and tears fell imediately. He took my face in His hands.. a thumb brushed the warmth of my cheek and He frowned. I gave Him a shake of my head and He nodded. Calling for Jax.. He had Him take the twins to the stream to fish for dinner. Kota asked what happened.. and I told Him it was nothing. I minor disagreement. Of course He did not believe me.. but He let it drop. We sat and talked. I asked where the rest of the children were and He said they would be here by the end of the hand. They had stopped once more to visit friends and distant family of Aunt's on the way back to the first fires. They had crates of clothing and supplies to bring up front.. and this also meant lots of goodies for the kids. Dakota asked how I got the twins back... and how I'd been fairing. This.. I told Him the truth. I had asked Shi for them and He allowed it. I told Him that Fonce has been wonderful... He stepped up and took over alot of care. How He brought meat.. how He helped with my wagons. How He became a friend. Kota frowned and asked me.. "Perhaps.. He has become more?" I simply looked at Him. Finally telling Him.. "Right now.. I cannot answer that, Son. Time will tell. I expect nothing.. yet everything. You know me." He replied.. "I wont let you get hurt Mother.. not ever again." I leaned to hug Him. And we exited the wagon so I could cook some food for all my boys. The day was already brighter... and yes.. I had a choice...

Eggs or steak.

Page 465 ~ Prints of realization

So for whatever reason... Ayguili seemed intent on drilling me to the contents of my bota. My stomach was still rocking... so I made a mixture of herbs and a drop of paga to ease the queazeyness. He sniffed it... then dumped it out. I was angry.. mad that He assumed it was something bad. He spoke of how He wanted to see me be happy and succeed. How it was part His responsibility to make that happen. I agreed to wait and see. He left. Leaving me.. Tarra and Cana at the fires. I was then drilled by the two as to why I was so upset over Ayguili being my Guardian.... Why I had an attitude. After several attempts to explain the subject... I finally stated that I did not like the treatment He and Ba'atar gave towards Women. For hands now... I have been worried since I last saw Ba'atar treat Cana like She did not exsist. It had been brewing within me... and I had no way to help.. no way to express it. I watched as She would walk away.. the obvious look on Her face was that of hurt. And it hurt me to know She hurt. I did not mean to make Cana cry. For all purposes... I wanted Her to know I cared... and I too hurt for Her. But my intentions were lost.. and the two peppered me with cutdowns and sharp jabs. Eventually.. Tarra walked up to me and backhanded me... and not to gently either. I felt the imprint of Her fingers on my cheek rise to fevered flesh. They told me I thought only of myself... how things benefitted only Silken. I was told to stop being slutty... act like a real Woman. And was offered reminders of how Ive been acting. The speaking of removing my tongue was a pleasant surprise... for making Cana cry. I had to wonder.. if they heard me at all. It was like a wounded animal being poked and prodded till it would give up and lay down to die. That's how I felt. Even betrayal crept into my senses. Skies forbid.. I should ever care about another now. Not if this is how it comes to term. I watched as Tarra comforted Cana... spoke of how everything I said was shit. I wanted to run and never look back. Though they will never know how it hurt me... I will never see them again in the same light I held them in before. The words spoken were burnt into memory... and I will never forgive them. I didnt know where to turn.. for the two I trusted the most had just closed the door on me and I was utterly alone.

I would not visit the fires again. Not that anyone would care. Frankly I dont give a flying fuck anymore if they do. Actually.. if it was all about me... I would. But it isnt. What hurts the most is .... Ive lost two Women I loved and cared about for many Envars. Hearing what they thought about me was not only hurtfull.. but made me feel like a fool. A fool for giving a shit about them.. when they were quietly forming objections in their minds. I was stupid to not see it.

Not even Jax was given a nod when I climbed the steps to the wagon. When He tried pressuring me into speaking... I could only choke back the tears and beg Him to leave me be. He said for now.. He would. But that He expected to hear from me tomorrow. Ha. Fat chance. It would be a cold day in the desert when I would again speak to anyone. A miracle that I would ever tell someone I cared or why I hurt for them... how it affected me.

Fuck it...

Fuck it all.

Page 464 ~ See me not

See me

Feel me

Touch me

Heal me

Listening to you I get the music

Gazing at you I get the heat

Following you I climb the mountain

I get excitement at your feet

Right behind you I see the millions

On you I see the glory

From you I get opinions

From you I get the story

The wagon's had stopped... but my body still kept moving. My internal senses were locked on the trail and would take me days to unwind and toss aside this feeling. We had made it South.. warmth.. grass... life. It was all I could do to unpack one crate in my main wagon before I collapsed into the furs and slept the night away. I did not even rise to the hoots and hollars of those that partied well into the eve. I heard about it though... as I went in search of company and blackwine. Tarra was at the fires.. gazing off onto the plains. We spoke a moment before Fonce joined us. She asked how I was... I was tired. I asked how She was... She said well. I did not press further.. I had hoped by now if She needed anything.. She would ask. I was also informed that a Stranger had been advised to seek me out. He was injured helping to save one of our Warriors. Tarra told me He was Ugly. Bare faced. I somehow swallowed down the bile that crept into my throat.. promising to not eat before I saw Him. My attention turned to Fonce.... managing to grin as He walked up... knowing His venturing into His wagon when He returned the other day must have made Him laugh with all my pots of special FonceStew. As it always has.. in the past.. our conversation turned... spicy. Since the time Ive known Him... we always have such an ease of talk about things that can be taken one way or the other. We dance this magical exchange of words that just gets the blood pumping. I had missed it.. but now.. was very content in basking in the glory that is sexual tension between us. Tarra left in a hurry.. Oggie joined us. The fun passed back and forth between three now. I gave Oggie some headache powders in His drink. Somewhere in the mix.. food was brought up.. and I took advantage of the mention of steak cooking... to get the skillets. Which... were given a good bang.. ring.. clank... behind poor Oggie. Now.. somehow.. Fonce got the idea I would cook His steak in a skillet. And He is lucky I didnt ring Him upside the head with that damn iron cooker. Sometimes He is as thick as a temwood. So when Tarra returned.. He had Her cook His steak.. I did the eggs in the skillet.. which I had to shake the bastard by the shoulders to get Him to see. Oggie and Fonce had their food... I had enough of everything myself and left. I had unpacking to do.. I had kids to feed. And I had a temper to get back into check. I thought things would get better later.

That is... until I returned to the fires.. and found out ....

Ayguili... is now my Guardian.

help?

Page 463 ~ I'm sorry... Do I know you?

Vee and Ess had decided to spend some time with Cana's boys. They loved to listen to Tug talk about Wily and the adventures they shared. I agreed... as long as it was ok with Cana. Jax suggested I take some time for myself. Heh. I laughed. That was all I had lately. Time.. and myself. But.. He was right. I needed to get out and see a few people. I spent the morning preparing a hunk of meat that Fonce brought by. I wanted to thank Him for it... and I knew how to. I made Him a hearty supply of stew. All seperated in small pots that He or His slaves could ready quickly. There was nothing fancy about this stew. I know Fonce doesnt like much of anything in it. It was simply meat and gravy. When I had finished the dishing out.. me and a few of my girls headed to His wagon's. I was rather miffed that He wasnt there... but hardly expected Him to be. Seemed everytime I dropped by He was gone. So.. I left the massive pile of potted stew on His platform.. laughing as they completely swallowed up the area. One of His girl's told me.. He had headed to the fire's eariler... so I re-directed my attention that way. I heard the voices before the shadows opened up and was very happy to find Fonce at the fires. Ayguilli was there.. Cana.. Tarra.. Yamka and Sev. It was odd to see Ayguilli on the grey's. Since hearing of this transfer... I thought for sure I was in for a nightmare of epic porportion. Ayg and I got off on the wrong foot.. right from the start when He arrived at the first fires. I know He heard of my past antic's and troubles I delt with.. and I had been holding a grudge since the night He volunteered some info on me. I had been working so hard to dispell this image... and to hear that He still saw me as such... almost gave me cause to revert and backlash Him into oblivion. Thankfully.. I didnt. I left the fires.. chewing on nails and spitting iron. So tonight... when I extended my greetings to all.. and Ayg called me over to Him immediately. "Silken.. I need to speak to you" The fact that this Man.. that had only addressed me as "Woman" all this time.. finally used my name... well.. I wanted to run. I looked to Fonce.. trying to convey my need to speak to Him.. to tell Him about the stew...and perhaps for some help... but Ayg posed a question that was half a demand. He asked if I could Sit.. and do so without wiggling. I looked to the fur beside Him that He pointed at. And of course in that Silken style told Him I could sit.. but couldnt guarentee I would not wiggle. That's when the simple.. "Sit" followed... and I did. Now... If I was wiggling.. it was because I realllllly wanted to talk to Fonce... but I was not about to blow this opportunity with the new Ubar... so... I waited.. quietly. Eventually.. Ayg got to me. What words came from His mouth directed to me... nearly knocked me out of my boots. He told me that Yamka was having trouble with an Elder. I further found out the Woman was coughing terribly and needed a healer. Frankly.. I was waiting for Him to ask my opinion on who She could see.. when He dropped the bomb over my head. He was reinstating my healing rights. I think my jaw dropped to the furs. I listened to the rest in a daze... and when He finished by asking me to tend to the Woman... well.. I jumped up with a shout of thank you.. and kissed His cheek. I heard a few laughs and chuckles as I darted down the rows to check the old Woman out. I was hell bent on doing everything I could for Her... and luckily.. She wasnt deathly ill. It would seem the dust and rain took a hold in Her lungs. The cough was dry and irratating. I checked Her lungs with sounded clear. So with leaving Her some honey and healer's tea to soothe the throat and direction to elevate Her head when lying down... I departed... confident that She would make a full recovery in a few days. When I returned to the fires... and told Yamka.. She hugged me. It felt like a thousand needles being driven into my flesh. Im not use to such anymore.. let alone from someone I hardly know. I hope I didnt offend Her... it was not intentional.. just reactional. I would try to catch up to Her later and explain... but for now.. I had to finish what I came here to start. Alas... before I could direct my attention to Fonce... He up and left with a comment I did not understand. "Paybacks" I stood there... watching Him disappear into the darkness.. shaking my head. Should I chase after Him? I didnt know. It seemed everytime I went to the fires and He was there.. He left rather abruptly shortly after I arrived. This was beginning to convey a rather grim outlook in my opinion. I turned my attention to those left at the fires... asking a few questions into the conversation.. but was ignored. Not uncommon. I too.. then took my leave... thinking back on everyone that had gathered and what all transpired.. and to each of them asked in my head....

Do I know you?

Page 462 ~ Sink or swim...

"There's just no way around it" I heard Jax talking to the boys as I rose from sleep. The wagon's had stopped. There was a low murmer of people up and down the row's. So I dressed and braided my hair and stepped out onto the platform. Vee and Ess came running to me.. excited... babbling about going swimming. I smiled down to the them and then saw the look on Jax face... I knew something was not right. Carefully.. I dismissed the boys so I could talk to Jax.. telling them I needed a item from our supply wagon that would take an Ahn to find. They ran off to start the search. Jax patted the wagon bench... my cue to come and sit. It was there He began to weave the tale of what we as a nomadic group of people were about to face. As He told me we would be crossing a large spanse of water... I must have paled.. because His hands went to my shoulders. He crouched down.. calling my name a few times before giving me a shake to snap me out of my impending lockdown. Jax.. is the only living soul to know the fear this news would bring me. He is the only one alive to know... I cant swim. I mean.. I can splash around in the streams or small pools of water.. but when it comes to such an expanse of water... I sink like a stone.

Not long after I mated Jerus.. I was on a trade route in Turia... Wandering down the streets of vendors when I was persued by a would-be captor who's eye I had caught. After a chase... and a cloth soaked with capture scent was used on me... I was bound and tossed aboard a ship. Destined for some Isle off the coast... I spent a hand being tormented by this Man and His ship handlers. Though they never touched me... my own temper got the best of me and I began to mouth off. At one point.. I was tossed overboard in the vast darkness of the Thassa. To the laughs and hollars of the crew.. I splashed around.. taking more water than air into my lungs and soon... found myself sinking below the surface. About the time I felt the icy grip of death around my chest... I was being lifted from the water and hoisted back over the deck... dropped like a wet stone to the thump of temwood. I spent an Ahn dispelling the water from my lungs and stomach.. coughing.. gaging... while this Man watched in amusement. He did seem to soften.. commenting on how He should have known I could not swim since I was a land dweller. I spent the rest of the journey to this Isle in the corner of His cabin... a death grip on a post with every rock and pitch of the ship. Obviously.. Jerus recovered me. That story dates back in the journal many EnVars... but how He got me home.. back to the plains... I do not remember. I think I blocked it out. But... yes... I am a Tuchuk. Swimming is not my.. forte'. And Jax knows this.

I had little time to prepare. Ba'atar had ordered the wagon's.. bosk and people into the lake to cross. Jax kept the boys close to Him.. driving our teams down the embankment and into the current. Inside the wagon... I clung to a chest of clothes. My eyes remained tightly pressed shut. My stomach contents threatening to abandon ship as I heard the slosh of water against the wagon sides. Water seeped in from the cracks in the flooring... my nails dug into the wooden sides of the crate. I could hear the chirps of laughter from the twins as Jax made it all fun and games... thankfully.. they did not know my condition nor the reason for the state I was in. It seemed forever to reach the other side.. but finally the wagon lurtched upward.. bouncing and straining to get up the wet side of the lake. When finally we stopped.. Jax sent Vee and Ess to check the other wagon's. He entered mine and rushed over to me.. crouching down with a soft voice of calming assurance. It took Him many Ehn to pry my fingers from the crate before He wrapped my arms around His neck and pulled me to that embrace of His strong chest. I cried softly into His neck and shoulder... shaking like a leaf in a violent storm. At that moment ... I felt vunerable. Alone. His words continued soft in my ear... gentle and reassuring. A moment of weakness and my lips found His... pressing the soft trembling tiers to His. It lasted but a fraction of an Ihn before His hands grabbed my shoulders and thrust me back hard enough to launch me against the floor. It shocked us both and He stood up... not in anger but protective. "Jax... Im so sorry... I dont know what came over me..." I said and He held His hand up. "Dont" He said... and He turned... taking a step towards the door. I watched as He stopped... like He wanted to come back to me.. but He did not. He fought with Himself for several moments before finally leaving. I sat there on the floor for awhile... before darkness fell. I lit the firebowls... tucked the boys into the furs for the night... and walked to the edge of the lake. Watching the last of the wagon's cross the water... I wondered....

Would I still sink?....

or would I swim.

Page 461 ~ Here's mud in your eye

Finally.. the central fire rose in the Sky. It broke the morning clouds and began to chase the rain away. Everything and everyone was drentched. The bosk shook from nose to tail.. trying desperately to rid the thick coats free of the heavy shag.. rainsoaked and matted. The people swiped hands down clothing.. wrung out their hair.. snapped articles of fabric in the air... anything to try and dry out. It was then we noticed the expected problem. Mud. What we up front were dealing with was a buttload more back down the line. Each wagon back had a harder time rolling through the churned up ground. Wheel's began to sink.. groan and crack. The pressure of shifting wagon's.. the drop of already overloaded cargo in some.. proved too much strain and wood shattered like a soft tospit begin thrown against a rock. Now... if you've ever heard a bone break.. it's a sound you never want to hear again. It makes even the strongest Man cringe. It makes your teeth hurt down to the jaw. And now.. this sound of wood splintering in explosive devistation was all around us.

I kept the twins in the wagon... threatening them with bright red bottoms if they set foot outside... fearing a piece of wood might fly by and hurt them. Every wagon had a guardian.. walking alongside while deft eyes watched the wheels.. and listened for any sign of trouble. The bosk teams bellowed and protested with the extra strain.. they had to be switched out more rapidly or they would tire and drop. We didnt need another sleepy bosk lying down on the job.. so I made sure my teams were changed out every few Ahn. It made travel slow... and running between the wagons for injuries had me exhausted by mid-day. I knew I was not to heal... I was not to do anything other than assist... but I could not stand by and do nothing for all the cuts and splinters and boo-boo's that were occuring. I would deal with Ba'atar later... but now I had stitches and bandages to tend to. The wheels were sharp like a blade. Removing them sliced open palms and forearms. Blood mixed with mud... tears mixed with rock... wood shards were returned to the ground. It was a cycle of rejuvenation.

I know that Ba'atar's Men rode by. I know they will report to Him that I was healing. But what can I say? "Im sorry.. Im doing my job. Punish me for it." Yeah.. that's about how I felt.

At final nightfall... the boys came out of the wagon... jittery with pent up energy. The mud for them was playtime. Within a few moments.. they were covering from head to boots. A few children joined them... and they started to run and dive on the ground.. sliding much a good distance on their bellies. The more they did it.. the more smooth of a valley was created over the ground.. and the faster they went. I couldnt help but laugh... watching little bodies go slipping over the ground.. rolling.. twisting. Yes.. there was mud in almost every orifice... but to see the smiles and hear the music of cackles and giggles was all my soul needed to revive. Vee and Ess came over.. each one took one of my hands and began pulling me towards the halfpipe of mud in the ground. "Momma!! Come on... ya gotta try it!!" They squeeled together. I did try to dig my boots in and stop... but mud gave little resistance and I was sloshing and sliding to their urging. Now at the mouth of the muddy slide.. the boys pushed me.. chanting for me to "Take a go at it!" Part of me said... "Dont do it Silken." while the other part.. the child in me was squirming to join the fun. That part won. In a flash I was running forward and next.. I launched myself in the air.. arms out and giving my version of some female battle cry. I hit the mud with a slap and instantly I was sliding across the ground like an Ost. I forgot to close my mouth.. dumbass. And when I finally stopped... I was chewing bits of rock.. grass and dirt. Yuck. Crunch.. crunch... cringe. And so I sat up. Already being sucked back down into the muck. The children gathered around... some laughed so hard.. it was silent... holding their bellies and just jiggling in hysteric's. Vee and Ess fell to the ground and kicked their legs... another child came up and patted my shoulder.. commending my style and form. I of course thanked the little tyke and sent them all off to resume play. Im sure I would be the topic of conversation for awhile... but I have to admit... it was fun... until....

I went to get up.

I was stuck. Sucked into the ground. I rolled to the side.. then to the other. Skies.. I hoped no one was watching. But.. then came that deep bellowing chuckle. I cringed.. twisting to look over my shoulder and spotted Jax. He simply shook His head and moved behind me. His hands under my arms and lifted me up to that icky sound of suction. I looked up to Him... surely only my eyes visable in my mud shroud.. and He wrapped an arm around my shoulder's... leading me back to the wagon. There were barrels of rain water waiting. He looked at me and said.. "Go clean up. I'll watch the kids... then you need to take care of the boys." I nodded and entered the wagon.. pausing at the top step to look back at Jax. Again He shook His head... and before walking off... He said.. "Perfect form.. but next time... close your mouth. " I smiled a dirt covered grin and held my head up... turning to enter the wagon.

Yep... I still got it.

Page 460 ~ Rain, Rain

When the rain began to fall on the wagon's... I was instantly reminded of our last trip to seasonal grounds. I found I could not sleep.. waiting for the wind that would rip the cover's and toss things that were not secured, around. I was actually scaired. I still had no healing right's other than to assit. That alone pissed me off. I thought of the injuries that were occuring.. even one's that could happen. And I could do nothing but sit here with invisable binds around my wrists. I am not one to be restrained. Yet.. what choice do I have? Everytime I approach Ba'atar with granting me permission to resume... Im met with a pile of hardheaded boskarse. Eventually.. like the ground drinks the water in... I started to sink back into myself. I didnt want to be around anyone. There is no one that can find me. It was my comfort zone. Just me.. my boys and Jax. I tried to keep the twins busy. They did enjoy catching raindrops on their's tongues. We made music and songs to the tapping of drops over the canvas... even Jax could be heard to sing in that deep baritone grumble from the bench or in saddle alongside the wagon. I sent the boys to sleep for the night... the night that would be the last of the rain. And.. though we did not know that morning would bring clear skies.. something told me to get out and enjoy this night of christening. I took to the bench... thowing back the hood of my cloak and pulling down the scarf. Finger's worked into my hair.. sliding the long ribbons free of the braid and letting every strand become damp with the Skies tears. I washed the dirt.. grit.. grime and dust from me. It ran in small streams down my neck and arms. I rode the rest of the day soaked to the bone...renewed in the natural state I had found.

When we stopped for the night... I received word that the rest of children were anxious to return home. Jax and I sat inside my wagon.. going over plan's to ride back down the line and gather them up. We spent Ahn's devising a plan.. weighing the options and danger's. As much as I wanted my little tribe back with me... it was too dangerous with the building pools of rain water on the ground. The wagon's up front were already struggling to draw through the saturated land... surely further back it was worse. Even if the rain stopped... there is no bright path forward.. because... with constant rain and heavy downpours comes one thing...

Mud.