I tossed and turned for Ahn's... the events that transpired to wrench my guts into knots... played over and over in my head. I know in the heat of it all.. everything being said was taken literally.. wrongly. But the thing that bother's me the most.. was hearing two Women.. who.. In my eyes had always been such strong forces of belief's.. scream at me that.. "I had no choices" What the fuck!? I have a fucking choice.. I told them it was my choice NOT to agree with things being said and done. Yes... this is a Man's world.. I know that. But damn me to the depth of the Thassa if I will be told that I dont have the choice to agree or disagree with things. Fuck no. No way. A slave has no choice. They must agree with everything. I am not a slave. I will not always agree with things their precious Ayguili or Ba'atar may say... but I did not.. and will not argue that point in front of other's. That.. is my right. My choice. I will do as they ask... but I will not agree with it. No one can make me bow to something I do not believe in.. Man or Woman. So.. to disagree with Ayguili about Him dumping the contents of my bota out.. was my choice. To disobey and defy Him.. would have been to grab the bota and stop Him. I did no such thing. I disagree with that whole families ( that I know ) treatment of Women. To disobey and defy them.. is to step in and say.. Stop being a dick. But no... I agreed to disagree silently. Until last night when I could no longer keep it in via poking and prodding. By the early morning Ahn's.. as the central warmth rose in the Sky.. I had given up my anger and let it settle. If they did not care how they were treated.. why should I? If they felt they had to agree with everything and paste a smile on their faces.. let them. I dont care anymore.
I appologized to Cana several times before and after the slap heard 'round the Harigga. I did not mean to butt in and show concern for Her. I was trying to say.. Hey.. I feel your pain. Im concerned... Im here for you. But.. it took on another meaning and perhaps the backlash of pain was directed towards me. If I had become the target for other's pain... then.. so be it. Im used to it. Bring it on. Because I have a choice... I will either take it... or I will lash out and hit back.
Vee and Ess trodded into my wagon as life woke among the Harigga. They were bouncing with news.. and shortly after their tackle arrival... my eldest son Dakota broke the morning light of my doorway. I pulled from the twins grip to head to Kota. I embraced Him tightly.. and tears fell imediately. He took my face in His hands.. a thumb brushed the warmth of my cheek and He frowned. I gave Him a shake of my head and He nodded. Calling for Jax.. He had Him take the twins to the stream to fish for dinner. Kota asked what happened.. and I told Him it was nothing. I minor disagreement. Of course He did not believe me.. but He let it drop. We sat and talked. I asked where the rest of the children were and He said they would be here by the end of the hand. They had stopped once more to visit friends and distant family of Aunt's on the way back to the first fires. They had crates of clothing and supplies to bring up front.. and this also meant lots of goodies for the kids. Dakota asked how I got the twins back... and how I'd been fairing. This.. I told Him the truth. I had asked Shi for them and He allowed it. I told Him that Fonce has been wonderful... He stepped up and took over alot of care. How He brought meat.. how He helped with my wagons. How He became a friend. Kota frowned and asked me.. "Perhaps.. He has become more?" I simply looked at Him. Finally telling Him.. "Right now.. I cannot answer that, Son. Time will tell. I expect nothing.. yet everything. You know me." He replied.. "I wont let you get hurt Mother.. not ever again." I leaned to hug Him. And we exited the wagon so I could cook some food for all my boys. The day was already brighter... and yes.. I had a choice...
Eggs or steak.
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