So for whatever reason... Ayguili seemed intent on drilling me to the contents of my bota. My stomach was still rocking... so I made a mixture of herbs and a drop of paga to ease the queazeyness. He sniffed it... then dumped it out. I was angry.. mad that He assumed it was something bad. He spoke of how He wanted to see me be happy and succeed. How it was part His responsibility to make that happen. I agreed to wait and see. He left. Leaving me.. Tarra and Cana at the fires. I was then drilled by the two as to why I was so upset over Ayguili being my Guardian.... Why I had an attitude. After several attempts to explain the subject... I finally stated that I did not like the treatment He and Ba'atar gave towards Women. For hands now... I have been worried since I last saw Ba'atar treat Cana like She did not exsist. It had been brewing within me... and I had no way to help.. no way to express it. I watched as She would walk away.. the obvious look on Her face was that of hurt. And it hurt me to know She hurt. I did not mean to make Cana cry. For all purposes... I wanted Her to know I cared... and I too hurt for Her. But my intentions were lost.. and the two peppered me with cutdowns and sharp jabs. Eventually.. Tarra walked up to me and backhanded me... and not to gently either. I felt the imprint of Her fingers on my cheek rise to fevered flesh. They told me I thought only of myself... how things benefitted only Silken. I was told to stop being slutty... act like a real Woman. And was offered reminders of how Ive been acting. The speaking of removing my tongue was a pleasant surprise... for making Cana cry. I had to wonder.. if they heard me at all. It was like a wounded animal being poked and prodded till it would give up and lay down to die. That's how I felt. Even betrayal crept into my senses. Skies forbid.. I should ever care about another now. Not if this is how it comes to term. I watched as Tarra comforted Cana... spoke of how everything I said was shit. I wanted to run and never look back. Though they will never know how it hurt me... I will never see them again in the same light I held them in before. The words spoken were burnt into memory... and I will never forgive them. I didnt know where to turn.. for the two I trusted the most had just closed the door on me and I was utterly alone.
I would not visit the fires again. Not that anyone would care. Frankly I dont give a flying fuck anymore if they do. Actually.. if it was all about me... I would. But it isnt. What hurts the most is .... Ive lost two Women I loved and cared about for many Envars. Hearing what they thought about me was not only hurtfull.. but made me feel like a fool. A fool for giving a shit about them.. when they were quietly forming objections in their minds. I was stupid to not see it.
Not even Jax was given a nod when I climbed the steps to the wagon. When He tried pressuring me into speaking... I could only choke back the tears and beg Him to leave me be. He said for now.. He would. But that He expected to hear from me tomorrow. Ha. Fat chance. It would be a cold day in the desert when I would again speak to anyone. A miracle that I would ever tell someone I cared or why I hurt for them... how it affected me.
Fuck it...
Fuck it all.
No comments:
Post a Comment