Page 426 ~ Bass Ackwards

I drempt that night.. out on the plains. He came for me.. my Dark Shadow. I felt Him hover over me.. squeezing the life from my lungs.. threatening to tear my heart in two and throw it to the ground. The sound of His breathing has not started yet.. nor the stench of His breath or dark.. evil laughter has also not crept into my night. But.. I know it will. Soon. Too soon for me.

I rode Red back this morning. Everything I had set out to seek.. to find and to make sense of was on a back burner. Until I hit that wall. The smell of the fire.. the bosk.. the grass. Life. Life among the wagons was waiting. But for who? Gone was the day of jesting and joking. It was nice while it lasted. So I humbly climbed the steps of the wagon. My note was gone. He had read it. There was no response. As I expected. Im starting to resent this feeling of entrapment. Caged and captured like a wild larl. Funny thing is... eventually.. they go crazy and then succum to devistation and are destroyed. Tainted... scarred. Once their usefullness is gone.. what is left?

I needed a friend. I needed someone to talk to. I felt ill.. bile rising in my throat.. wanting to escape.. to purge from my body. When the opportunity came to release that which I had to... I turned into a weak.. selfish.. idiot. I said things I have always wanted to say... and Im an ass for doing it. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have stuck my neck out for something that is very possibly a lost cause? ... .... ... ... because I want it. I want it more than anything Ive ever wanted in this life. I want life. I dont know how to show it.. say it. It is so strong that... I get all twisted up in the meaning and words and trip over my own tongue. Yes... I could go crazy. Easily.

The reason for living walked away. Well beyond my reach. I cannot compete with it. I thought I could. I wanted to stand up and say.. Hey! Look at me! Consider me! But no... Not now. Not for you, Silken. Yeah.. what if? No... useless. Fuck.

Skies.. how could I have been so dumb. To think maybe.. just maybe. Bah.

Always another time and place. Ingest more poison.. more.. and more. Im left being farsighted when I should be nearsighted. Looking closer rather than in the distance. Watching... waiting.

When... when will my Pride come?

and will it be....

too late

Page 425 ~ Redline

The events of the day left me swirling in a pool of questions. Yes.. it was nice to be among the people.. joking.. teasing.. ok yeah I laughed.. once. But when it was brought to my attention that I had done so... and such a big deal was made of it.. I had to step back and wonder... Is this what I had become? And is it what I wanted? I thought so... I think I did.. maybe. Im not sure. I had to get away and air out my brain. If there was only a way to open up my skull.. take the damn thing out.. wash it.. dry and put it back.. I would do it. So... I opted for the next best thing. A ride. I had yet to take the Red out.. on one of my soliare missions of self scrutiny... now was the chance. I left Shi a note.. not like He'd find it... He's off again.. somewhere.. doing something for Sky's know how long.. Im not privy to that information... but Im sure someone else knows and will fill me in someday. But I left the note none the less. The children were with Aunt and Nette... Skies help them. I packed for a few days.. saddled up the kaiila and took off into the fading light. The Red responded to me well... Teng had picked a great beast to match me. I used little more than leg and a few verbal sounds to control Him. It was freedom at last. The wind in my hair.. my braid flying behind me like a rope on fire. The chill of air to parts of exposed flesh. I could breath again. Once in the moonlight I marvelled at the color of the kaiila.. so close to my own hair that we both melded into one riding lump across the plains. I was able to fade away from everything and everyone. Able to think.. or try to.. about what my plans for the future were. I knew what I wanted... now how to get it. That would take more riding and a stronger heart to figure out.

When rest became a necessity... we stopped. No need for a fire.. it was warm enough with layers of clothing to keep warm. I had no desire to eat.. and drinking from a bota required no cooking. Red and I were basically melted into the tapestry of the plains. Unless you tripped over us.. we would probably not be seen. Awesome. So while Red rested.. legs tucked under Him on the ground.. I leaned up against His gut.. marvelling at the stars... the twinkling.. the way they scanned slowly across the sleeping Sky.

I dont know if I will find my answers.. perhaps they will find me. But I have fresh air in my lungs... water for days.. and the best friend a Girl could have beside Her.

Me and Red...

us...

against the World.

Page 424 ~ Soup D'jour

There is an urgent urgency it seems for me to eat. Why? I dont know. But Ive been instructed by a few to make sure I do. Perhaps it is my appearance.. I have lost some weight.. I am sure because of my knee and my inability to fully move about like I would want to. Ive been able to hunt and fish alittle.. food though is not a problem at the moment. The children seem to go through a tabuk side of beef a day. Fishing requires at least 15 catches of the day and alot of Wily's Paga worms. Dakota and Jax alone eat enough to feed the camp... Aunt eat's like a herlit... the girl's eat healthy.. Wily tries to keep up with Dakota... Mia and Sonny eat their fair share and now the twins have crushed meals of real meal and broth. Honestly.. I dont have time to eat with preparing.. feeding.. then cleaning up. Im lucky to keep a bowl of broth warm to toss down before the evening is so late and I collapse.

Perhaps I am rushing night. I know it is my most favorite and my most dreaded if that makes any sense. As much as I like to wear my leather's.. soft and tight against my skin.. to peel them off and embrace the freedom of nothingness on me is another joy. It is also a time when I feel my most lonely. No one to share the cool air on bare flesh.. no one to speak of my day too.. soft touches and caresses of curves and flesh. Funny how the little things are what we miss the most.

By lamplight.. I write after stipping myself of the second skin of leather. Curled on my side in my furs. Mostly I fall asleep for a few Ahn's.. dreaming of wonderous adventures that await me.. riding the plains in freedom of air and dust. Lately... my shadow of blackness appears in these sleep visions. Though He has returned He has yet to make anything more of a visual presence. No words or interaction.. which.. I hope to keep it so. He terrified my dreams for a long long time. He seems to know when I am at my lowest and unprotected without the wrap of arms about me. I do not think I could stand Him haunting me again... not now. I have enough to deal with.. too much infact. I thought He was gone for good... but I see now that He never left. He remained hiding in the deepest recesses of my mind.. waiting... knowing that I would once again open myself up by diving within and hiding there too. Is this the key that I provide Him by my insecurities? Or is it my desire for unobtainable pleasures of life that breathes fire into His lungs? I could always see Him in the flames.. I think I catch glimpses of Him now in fire. Jerus... could reach into the abyss of my mind and hold Him at bay. I miss Him... I miss how He helped. He calls me now.. my dark shadow... to that small valley upon the plains. Im trying not to listen.. even though it is not words He calls me with. I cant explain it.. it is a pull.. like a string to my heart.. tugging.. urging me to follow. I find myself waking on the platform and looking out over the plains. Wondering how I fucked up and let Him back in.. wondering how I am going to expell Him this time. I can only wait.. wait for the help and guidence I pray will come. Will I make it back from the edge this time? Or will I fall over silently and disappear for all eternity.......

It's not up to me anymore.

Page 423 ~ Outside In

When the drums sounded... when they brought the message that one had returned... I admit. I was stunned. One that for long I had called friend... someone I could talk to.. was back... well... I dropped what I worked on and stood outside listening. I did not run to the fires... no. I stayed.. I waited... hoping all was well. I was gifted to find out.. He was fine. Thin.. dirty... confused.. but alive. It took me the next night to go to the fires... settling my gaze on Him and smiling.. even if slightly.. at least on the inside. Fonce.... Fonce was back. It pained me to see Him in such a state and I asked had He seen a healer. He retorted in His usual demenor that He had seen one in passing. I did not push His skating of the real issue... but I told Him He needed to see a healer.. and not just with His eyes. He knew what I meant.. but the fact He drove home once before... long ago with me is... not to press a Man into being treated. I caught Him staring at me several times... I know it is because of my own ways I have changed. I am distant and drawn away from everyone. Quiet.. serene. I trust no one. And when I left... I threw myself back into work.. satisifed I had seen He was still breathing. It was a shock that not long after... Fonce approached my fires... asking to sit and join the warmth of flames. I nodded... it would give me time to assess His condition in quiet ways. Other than the missing memories of His journey and His physical appearance... He seemed in good health. Thin and drawn.. this would be cared for with food and rest. I gave Him something for His uneasy stomach to help food agree just alittle more with Him. Then we talked.. for Ahn's upon Ahn's. It was the best medicine for both of us. I was about to get Him some tea when Ba'atar arrived. This changed my lightened mood back to hiding inside. I did not trust Him anymore. I knew He would ask of Shi.. and I knew no matter what I said... I would be wrong. I was right. He said I made a fool out of Jai for making Him come to Him and tell Him that I was not getting food. A point I would not argue... only to say that I was asked and I could not control what people said. Hiding inside was hard to do... and Fonce gave me a swat to the back of the head... so I asked Ba'atar if I might be allowed to speak at the fires once more. I still did not agree or understand about what I had said ... I still did not think it disrespectful.. but I had noone to stand up for me.. and simply had to agree. In the end... He granted me permission to return to the fires... voice and all. I knew I would.. but speaking would be another story. I rather enjoyed being inside myself now. I would not complain anymore.. I would not say anything that could be used against me... for it seemed no matter what I said.. was wrong. It was taken and twisted and used to try and hurt me. Ahhhh but you cannot hurt that which does not feel. Not anymore. So the Men drank.. Ba'atar His water.. and Fonce His tea. And finally Ba'atar left... it bothered me.. how the anger festered inside me. I think Fonce felt it.. because we started talking again.. and some of it just poured out from me... like a dam breaking. I cant believe I said those things... everything that welled up inside.. everything I felt.. how I wanted to kill... how I wanted to just fade away. But Fonce didnt run... He listened. Skies bless Him.. He did. And He made sense of the senseless. He was outside.. looking in. But it meant the world that someone came to me.. and cared. As much as He has been through... is going through.. He cared enough to come see me. This.. spoke volumes. A small weight lifted.. if just for a moment. It was nice.

For a few moments.. passing in time... I was outside.

I was... alive.

Page 422 ~ Just like normal

I was sitting outside the Nightmare.. stirring potions.. salves.. oils.. the usual evening events for a healer such as myself... when I heard the sound of a kaiila. I knew right away it was Shi.. returning from wherever He had ventured off from for such a long time. I was angry but did not let it show. No. I kept my mouth shut.. I kept my feelings hidden.. because if this is the way it was going to be.. I was not going to let myself get hurt again. He walked to me.. grabbed me and kissed me. It was very hard not to let myself just melt against Him and show just how much I missed Him... how I worried.. how I needed Him. I brought Him food and continued my tending of the kettles while we talked. I told Him how I thought Him missing.. being there was no word for so long. He finally understood how things looked to me and said that He would right everything. Yet.. deep down I fear the damage is well beyond repair. Ive heard the rumors... Ive seen the looks.. but it doesnt matter to me anymore. Things have changed... and me along with them. Gone are the days when I could trust anyone.. even those that claimed to care. They are the one's that no sooner stab you in the back when you turn around. They put up a front before other's to make themselves look good.. then spin around and talk bad about you. If that is the way it is to be then.. good. At least now I know it and can avoid it. Sometimes I wonder if they ever truely wanted me to suceed... maybe they wanted me to fail and worked at it so I would. When things go bad for them.. they can turn it around and try to make me look worse.. taking the spotlight off them. Same ole same ole. Its normal. But... doesnt that mean that I am stronger then? Because I take this and keep bouncing back? I suppose. But again... it doesnt matter. I have many people to tend and treat... and much work to keep me busy for all time. I dont have to trust them. I dont have to be anything more than a healer. That.. I know I am good at.

The night was growing late by the time Shi and I finished speaking. Nothing was resolved. I never intended it to be. But I know I am still distancing myself from Him but cant stop it. I dont want to... its just an internal defense that was alerted.. and I dont know how to fix it. I never would have believed that I enjoyed being spoiled or pampered... not in the way city Women are mind you. But just the little things I had come to favor. A soft kiss on the neck.. the holding of a hand.. stroking of a cheek... words of reassurance and love... being held near the warmth of a fire. Things I took for granted that are now gone. It isnt Shi's fault.. He is a Man of the Tuchuk and not a false Man ... one that would allow Himself to be seen as such. I dont worry though... I will get over this and go on. Its time that I stop being so sappy and feminine. It didnt do any good anyway. I tore my heart off my sleeve and placed it back in safe keeping from prying eyes and viporous tongues.

Its better to just be silent and still....

let the noose swing and catch it's prey.

People.... please

OOC..... Alright people... Ive had enough. I will not stand by AGAIN and be persecuted for crap that is and was out of my control. Reguarding this whole mess with Shi being missing... here's the deal.. once and for all and final. Silken last saw Shi on Sept. 25 when the twins were born. She next saw Him on Dec. 8th. Me the Mun had sent numerous e-mails asking what was up.. if something was wrong.. was He still playing etc. Now why He did not answer them.. I dont know. But.. this unfortunately led me to believe He did not want to play anymore or whatever His reason He had stopped playing. Without ANY idea of what was going on and without any response to my e-mails.. I was left in a situation where I had to play Shi as missing UNTIL I could find out what happened or what was going on. A few people claim to have known Shi was out hunting or patroling with Garyx. Well goodie goodie.... How come I wasnt told this??? Isnt that Shi's responsibility to tell me such? I would think so. JaiMun took it upon Himself to help hunt for Silks.. even Teng helped when She was injured. Silken even told them this was not necessary.. but they did so to help Her. Now last night Shi appears and He says He was out hunting.. and that I was always sleeping when He came around.... well ok fine, if that's how He is playing but an E-Mail telling me such would be good so I didnt have to make something up and think He wasnt coming back.
So you can all stop assuming.. you can all stop saying that Silks is playing a pity party card for sympathy.. I dont need your sympathy.. I dont want it.
I DID NOT KNOW WHERE SHI WAS... IC OR OOC... that is the jist. That is the fact. Dont any of you dare to insinuate things against me anymore. I am NOT trying to get rid of Shi... I happen to like being around Him. And Silks adores Him. Yes.. He is a DingDong for not answering me.... but it is no one's place to cut me or Silks down for only doing what had to be done when there was no contact or information for FOUR months. Ok? Now.. since this is known.. any further shit you write or speak about Silks will be ignored and taken from where it came from. Yes.. Im pissed off and tired of this. Mind your own flipping business and stay out of mine. Kapish??

Page 421 ~ Staying Sane inside Insanity

I was greatly at err to think once we arrived North that things would get better.. somehow improve the current situation. Why.. in the Sky's name I even ventured to the fires.. I dont know. I felt the air.. felt the tension .. yet that sick and twisted part of me just had to see what lie in waiting. I found out.

Greeted by Jai, Kaeli, Cana, Teng and Aygulli... wasnt not so out of the norm. What disturbed me was when the Ubar arrived and things became... ugly. There was a tension that could have choked ten bosk between Cana and Ba'atar. I noticed this immediately. He treated Her like crap... now of course that is between them and not my business.. but it still bothered me. The how's and why's are for their consumption.. but I sure as hell wouldnt have accepted the treatment rendered. Maybe that's why Im so isolated and cast out. I dont fit the norm of what a Woman is "supposed" to be. Something.. I may never understand.

Reguardless... what happened next.. left me more confused and stunned than before. The talk of Shi arose.. being I have been tending the children pretty much myself. A few have made claims to seeing Shi. It was the other night when I did get a brief glimpse of Him.. before He once more disappeared. That vision was four months in the making though. Shi stated that everytime He was around the kids told Him I was sleeping. Impossible. I have not slept in a long time.. a least where I would not know He was here. There have been no notes.. no endearments of His visits if He has made them.. and just keeping up the occasional appearance is not good enough... for me. ( and OOC.. I havent seen Shi but once since September so I can only play it as such, thank you)

But I digress.... Ba'atar and Jai got into a discussion about me and Shi. And it fell to the Ubar stating that my wagon's were to be moved. I simply stated that my wagon's were fine where they were. There was no tone.. there was no sassyness or any taint to my words other than a statement. My reasons for saying it? Simple.. I have many wagons.. why should I crowd out Kaeli and Jai's space? They do not need my ten children and me and Aunt and Jax for that matter.. around them while they begin their lives together. Yet.. I was met with a rather firm.. "Shut up Silken" from our illustrious Ubar. "If you say so" I replied to Him. And then He ordered Jai to have me gagged. Did I argue? No. I simply decided to leave.. yet Ayguili saw fit to stand up and block my way. Still.. I said nothing while Ba'atar and Jai bickered back and forth. Over what.. I dont know.. I wasnt listening... in that simple moment.. I lost respect. I could see insecurity oozing from the Ubar. Sure.. He may call it punishment for interrupting Men when they spoke.. bah. Smokescreen. I see it as fear. It made more sense in how He was treating Cana now... trying to force His manliness on Women because deep down He just doesnt know how to handle them. Is He so threatened by me that He must resort to having me gagged? And since when could we not speak our concerns outloud only to be punished? Now.. had I said.. "Fuck you.. Im not going anywhere..." well hell yes.. that is disrespect... but I never saw a simple calm statement jumped upon with such vigor. What is He trying to prove? Does He think a gag will humble and humilate me? Hardly. My stock.. my blood is deep.. it takes more than a piece of leather in my mouth to turn my britches backwards. Perhaps the Silken of old would have protested.. but Ive reborn into what I am now. I do not think even Jai saw that. But perhaps.. perhaps He does now. I remained calm. I accepted.

When most had left... I stayed behind near the fire. I was nervous with pent up energy.. figity and flighty. I could not sit still. I tossed a stone.. I picked a drummers beat on a rock with a stick... and I tapped my fingers on my legs. This seemed to anger Ayguili who threatened me with a quiva and the cutting off of my fingers. Still.. I could not remain imobile. So Ayg resorted to walking over to me and twisting my arm behind my back.. stating how we could do this the hard or easy way.. the adult way or the bratty child way. Another show of how Men resort to physical abuse instead of simply asking something to be stopped. I could not respond other than to nod and let my finger's relax on my leg. My stomach turned over when He praised me like a little child. Whatever. Both those Men come from the same larma tree for sure. They do not know how to treat.. speak or act towards a Woman other than to demean Her to the level of a slave. I personally think.. in my own opinion they fear any Woman with the gumption to stand up and be heard and seen. IF we threaten their manhood so profoundly.. how can we maintain the level of trust to be leaders? It is a sad sad day for me.

Where have all the good Men gone?

Page 420 ~ Nothingness

The end of the trail.. those last few days where.. you get teasing whisps of fresh air... warm.. inviting. It is my most troubled of times where I have to be patient and that is not one of my strong points. There are times when I want to pull my wagons out of line and nudge the bosk into a faster pace... just to get to the green grass.. tepid air and calm. I had more or less dozed off in the saddle as the Red walked a steady pace beside the line of wagons when I got that first sniff of the air. My head shot up.. I inhailed again and my voice suddenly lifted asking Do you smell that??!! We are almost there !!! I looked around.. I looked to my side.. back.. front... and then I sighed. There was no one to share my joy with. Ahhh well.. it was nice to feel.. if just for a moment. Now more embarassed at my sudden outburst.. I rode to check the rigging and rope that connected my wagons one to the other. I would need new rope after this.. not so bad.. something to do and keep me busy once we settled.

The days went by too slow.. finally pulling into our grounds for the Winter solice. My wagons were directed near Teng.. Jai and Kaeli's but I moved them away. Those youngin's didnt need their old Auntie hanging about.. especially with them newly mated. But the spot I found was suitable for me and my little gaggle of redheaded Tuchuks. Aunt set Her wagon up in an instant and started cleaning while I moved about and helped the Elders set up. Fire pits and kettles came forth.. cooking started.. blackwine brewed... life sprung back into the Tuchuk. Many seemed uneasy though.. looking over their shoulders.. and even with the talk that hung about.. there was still a quiet that hovered among us. With the day rushing past us and night settling in.. many simply ajourned to their own fires to rest and recount the trail. I had forgotten most of it.. save the reminder of it by the pain in my head and knee. Neither one touched the pain in my heart... but just what was wrong? What was missing? I shrugged.. nothing I suppose. It is as it always has been... I am alone yet surrounded by people. It is familar... comforting in a way.. something I can relate to. This is good... isnt it? So.. I retired for the first night on our new grounds. Climbing the wagon steps and tossing back the flap.. the backlight from the fires casting my shadow within the space. I smiled slightly but why.. I dont know.

I was greeted with... Nothingness.