There is an urgent urgency it seems for me to eat. Why? I dont know. But Ive been instructed by a few to make sure I do. Perhaps it is my appearance.. I have lost some weight.. I am sure because of my knee and my inability to fully move about like I would want to. Ive been able to hunt and fish alittle.. food though is not a problem at the moment. The children seem to go through a tabuk side of beef a day. Fishing requires at least 15 catches of the day and alot of Wily's Paga worms. Dakota and Jax alone eat enough to feed the camp... Aunt eat's like a herlit... the girl's eat healthy.. Wily tries to keep up with Dakota... Mia and Sonny eat their fair share and now the twins have crushed meals of real meal and broth. Honestly.. I dont have time to eat with preparing.. feeding.. then cleaning up. Im lucky to keep a bowl of broth warm to toss down before the evening is so late and I collapse.
Perhaps I am rushing night. I know it is my most favorite and my most dreaded if that makes any sense. As much as I like to wear my leather's.. soft and tight against my skin.. to peel them off and embrace the freedom of nothingness on me is another joy. It is also a time when I feel my most lonely. No one to share the cool air on bare flesh.. no one to speak of my day too.. soft touches and caresses of curves and flesh. Funny how the little things are what we miss the most.
By lamplight.. I write after stipping myself of the second skin of leather. Curled on my side in my furs. Mostly I fall asleep for a few Ahn's.. dreaming of wonderous adventures that await me.. riding the plains in freedom of air and dust. Lately... my shadow of blackness appears in these sleep visions. Though He has returned He has yet to make anything more of a visual presence. No words or interaction.. which.. I hope to keep it so. He terrified my dreams for a long long time. He seems to know when I am at my lowest and unprotected without the wrap of arms about me. I do not think I could stand Him haunting me again... not now. I have enough to deal with.. too much infact. I thought He was gone for good... but I see now that He never left. He remained hiding in the deepest recesses of my mind.. waiting... knowing that I would once again open myself up by diving within and hiding there too. Is this the key that I provide Him by my insecurities? Or is it my desire for unobtainable pleasures of life that breathes fire into His lungs? I could always see Him in the flames.. I think I catch glimpses of Him now in fire. Jerus... could reach into the abyss of my mind and hold Him at bay. I miss Him... I miss how He helped. He calls me now.. my dark shadow... to that small valley upon the plains. Im trying not to listen.. even though it is not words He calls me with. I cant explain it.. it is a pull.. like a string to my heart.. tugging.. urging me to follow. I find myself waking on the platform and looking out over the plains. Wondering how I fucked up and let Him back in.. wondering how I am going to expell Him this time. I can only wait.. wait for the help and guidence I pray will come. Will I make it back from the edge this time? Or will I fall over silently and disappear for all eternity.......
It's not up to me anymore.
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