When the drums sounded... when they brought the message that one had returned... I admit. I was stunned. One that for long I had called friend... someone I could talk to.. was back... well... I dropped what I worked on and stood outside listening. I did not run to the fires... no. I stayed.. I waited... hoping all was well. I was gifted to find out.. He was fine. Thin.. dirty... confused.. but alive. It took me the next night to go to the fires... settling my gaze on Him and smiling.. even if slightly.. at least on the inside. Fonce.... Fonce was back. It pained me to see Him in such a state and I asked had He seen a healer. He retorted in His usual demenor that He had seen one in passing. I did not push His skating of the real issue... but I told Him He needed to see a healer.. and not just with His eyes. He knew what I meant.. but the fact He drove home once before... long ago with me is... not to press a Man into being treated. I caught Him staring at me several times... I know it is because of my own ways I have changed. I am distant and drawn away from everyone. Quiet.. serene. I trust no one. And when I left... I threw myself back into work.. satisifed I had seen He was still breathing. It was a shock that not long after... Fonce approached my fires... asking to sit and join the warmth of flames. I nodded... it would give me time to assess His condition in quiet ways. Other than the missing memories of His journey and His physical appearance... He seemed in good health. Thin and drawn.. this would be cared for with food and rest. I gave Him something for His uneasy stomach to help food agree just alittle more with Him. Then we talked.. for Ahn's upon Ahn's. It was the best medicine for both of us. I was about to get Him some tea when Ba'atar arrived. This changed my lightened mood back to hiding inside. I did not trust Him anymore. I knew He would ask of Shi.. and I knew no matter what I said... I would be wrong. I was right. He said I made a fool out of Jai for making Him come to Him and tell Him that I was not getting food. A point I would not argue... only to say that I was asked and I could not control what people said. Hiding inside was hard to do... and Fonce gave me a swat to the back of the head... so I asked Ba'atar if I might be allowed to speak at the fires once more. I still did not agree or understand about what I had said ... I still did not think it disrespectful.. but I had noone to stand up for me.. and simply had to agree. In the end... He granted me permission to return to the fires... voice and all. I knew I would.. but speaking would be another story. I rather enjoyed being inside myself now. I would not complain anymore.. I would not say anything that could be used against me... for it seemed no matter what I said.. was wrong. It was taken and twisted and used to try and hurt me. Ahhhh but you cannot hurt that which does not feel. Not anymore. So the Men drank.. Ba'atar His water.. and Fonce His tea. And finally Ba'atar left... it bothered me.. how the anger festered inside me. I think Fonce felt it.. because we started talking again.. and some of it just poured out from me... like a dam breaking. I cant believe I said those things... everything that welled up inside.. everything I felt.. how I wanted to kill... how I wanted to just fade away. But Fonce didnt run... He listened. Skies bless Him.. He did. And He made sense of the senseless. He was outside.. looking in. But it meant the world that someone came to me.. and cared. As much as He has been through... is going through.. He cared enough to come see me. This.. spoke volumes. A small weight lifted.. if just for a moment. It was nice.
For a few moments.. passing in time... I was outside.
I was... alive.
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