Page 426 ~ Bass Ackwards

I drempt that night.. out on the plains. He came for me.. my Dark Shadow. I felt Him hover over me.. squeezing the life from my lungs.. threatening to tear my heart in two and throw it to the ground. The sound of His breathing has not started yet.. nor the stench of His breath or dark.. evil laughter has also not crept into my night. But.. I know it will. Soon. Too soon for me.

I rode Red back this morning. Everything I had set out to seek.. to find and to make sense of was on a back burner. Until I hit that wall. The smell of the fire.. the bosk.. the grass. Life. Life among the wagons was waiting. But for who? Gone was the day of jesting and joking. It was nice while it lasted. So I humbly climbed the steps of the wagon. My note was gone. He had read it. There was no response. As I expected. Im starting to resent this feeling of entrapment. Caged and captured like a wild larl. Funny thing is... eventually.. they go crazy and then succum to devistation and are destroyed. Tainted... scarred. Once their usefullness is gone.. what is left?

I needed a friend. I needed someone to talk to. I felt ill.. bile rising in my throat.. wanting to escape.. to purge from my body. When the opportunity came to release that which I had to... I turned into a weak.. selfish.. idiot. I said things I have always wanted to say... and Im an ass for doing it. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have stuck my neck out for something that is very possibly a lost cause? ... .... ... ... because I want it. I want it more than anything Ive ever wanted in this life. I want life. I dont know how to show it.. say it. It is so strong that... I get all twisted up in the meaning and words and trip over my own tongue. Yes... I could go crazy. Easily.

The reason for living walked away. Well beyond my reach. I cannot compete with it. I thought I could. I wanted to stand up and say.. Hey! Look at me! Consider me! But no... Not now. Not for you, Silken. Yeah.. what if? No... useless. Fuck.

Skies.. how could I have been so dumb. To think maybe.. just maybe. Bah.

Always another time and place. Ingest more poison.. more.. and more. Im left being farsighted when I should be nearsighted. Looking closer rather than in the distance. Watching... waiting.

When... when will my Pride come?

and will it be....

too late