Page 543 ~ Day in... Day out

I must admit.. even for me.. having nothing "new" to do is becomming a thorn in my side. When I say nothing to do.. I mean nothing to stimulate new senses. Every Tuchuk Man.. Woman and child has things to do. Tending.. herding.. working.. the usual stuff. But there is nothing new to speak of. There is no one to speak to. Though.. I did see Fonce.. and that had a few neurons firing up and someone to speak to other than myself or the children... it is still the same thing day in and day out. Im so.... well... bored ! I do not get to talk to Ash since He comes in after I am asleep and is out before I wake.. Im starting to take this personally and think He doesnt like me. *chuckle*. Or.. that is His way of dealing with me... by selective and precise timing on His part. Avoidance is golden I suppose.
I did find myself with a visitor the past night. Good ole Shi. We had the chance.. and the time to sit and talk. I was hoping for a good Kur hug upon His return home... I guess I expected it... but it did not come. He infact kept His distance.. which was good for the both of us I suppose. I will continue to keep my distance from Him.. other than to tell Him about His son's... or any of their needs. But nothing more than that. It is imperitive that I stay as far from Him as possible. I do not want Him hurt by me which I seem to do at every turn. Its not on purpose.. but I just find myself acting like a goof whenever He is around.
Snow has given way to rain.. another sign that the move will once again be upon us. I can say that I am happy to see this. I love the warmer air and the summering lands. I love the flowers and the green grass. I hope that people will soon venture out of their winter wagon's and return to the fires where we can enjoy the company and sounds of other's. I cant wait to shed the cold clothing and furs wraps. I cant wait till the kids can be sent outside to play on a moments notice.. without bundling them up like small bosk. Its times like these that I look around a wagon.. crammed with children and wonder... what the SKIES am I doing here!!!??? I have many wagons.. yet this small tribe of my blood all want to congregate in one.... MINE !! This one fighting with that one.. this one poking that one.. this one taking that one's item... This one pulled that one's hair.... UGH!! I need time away ! I am losing myself in a sea of little red heads.
Please warm weather hurry up... I need a long soak in a gentle stream....
... alone.

Page 542 ~ Under the watchfull eye

Sitting by the stream.. enjoying the quiet of late.. I really didnt pay much attention to anything around me. I heard the water.. I felt the stabbing chill of air as it crept under the layers of fur draped over me. I am numb. I think its the isolation. There has been no contact with anyone of the Harigga in a long time. Perhaps this unbearable cold winter keeps them all inside... within the safety of their wagons... but not me. I cant stand being cooped up. So.. sitting by the stream has become a time of reflection for me. And... a reflection up and slapped me in the face tonight. It came in the form of Shi. Why? I dont know. He always had this uncanny way of knowing when I was thinking about Him.. or perhaps.. needing Him. But in any case.. He showed up. Just.. checking on me. So.. I lied... or tried to. But He saw right through it. The conversation was neither joyous or enlightning. I felt like I had nothing to say to Him. I know He felt it too. Yet.. I have to keep my distance from Him. I cannot hurt Him anymore... Ive done that enough in the past. I failed Him... and I failed me. Just seeing Him standing there as He looked at me... made it hurt all over again. He will always be my oldest and dearest friend.. and I will always love Him.. perhaps more than I should. He is the Father of some of my children and He will forever hold a piece of my heart... but... well enough said. Im growing tired of things... and increasingly aggitated. Its time.. for a ride..................