Page 518 ~ All of me

Heated words. The air is thick... hot. The kind of air that makes it a chore to breath. The kind where your shoulders pull back.. your head arches upward.. searching for the smallest break from humid air. Movements are restricted to simple things. Even the children have found quiet and a small relief of cooler air under the wagons. No running.. jumping.. even playing is a chore. Its dry also.. no rain.. no cool liquid drops from the Sky. The grasses are showing signs of thirst.. wilting and unable to replenish the lush blanket that feeds our beasts. The animals have become almost.. paniced.. like they sense something coming. Some of the Alpha Males have moved closer to the stream to secure the wet grasses. I have noticed the drop in the water level against the bank. I started marking it weeks ago.. it is down to a few horts in some places. The children and I did cut out a deeper spot in the silt near a bend in the stream.. but it seems now the animals have taken up residency there.. I dont blame them.

The haze that filters over the plains is unsettling. At night.. the Sky.. wicked bitch She is.. paints deep angry colors. Ive begun to wonder if I went too far.. cursing Her and telling Her to bring on Her best. I feel guilty for challenging Her and.. I am scaired of the changes Ive been seeing. Not only in the landscape.. but in the People.. and in me. Ive doused the campfires around my wagons... using only a few small copper bowls and lamps. It helps to keep the heat down... and subsequently sinks me into darkness where I cant be found. An old habit.. but a comfortable one. There are unspoken concerns... but they can been seen in everyone's eyes and worn on masks within their faces. This became a reality when the order arrived from the Ubar to stock the water barrels. I told Dakota to cut the paga making in half.. we needed all the barrels we could get.

I wondered if the heat had gotten to Ash... after a night of intense revelations and self awareness. It left me.. disturbed as to what I felt. I didnt understand what happened... not that it was bad... it was just... strange to me. The how's and why's as to what I was feeling... was unreachable in thinking. The more I tried to piece it together.. the more I self analizied and confused myself. Several times I wanted to place a palm to Ash's shoulder and shake Him gently to wake Him up. I needed to understand... I needed Him to tell me.. what was happening. What was wrong... with me? But this Man needed His sleep. He worked hard... especially with what He did to me this night. He has put sooooo much effort into me.. that I could never repay or begin to thank Him. I dont know what I did to deserve Him. I only know that He has been given a part of me I swore to never reveal to anyone ever again. And that's scary. To feel that open and vunerable... makes me shiver when I think of it. But also... I want Him to have it... I want Him to take it. I want Him to reach in and pull me inside out.. I want someone to see the real me.. finally. Not the one I hide behind all the time. I have grown tired of the fake front and the hard shell. Ash has shown me it is ok to be.... me. And His smile and words when such happens... make me melt in my place. I see that... its ok to be quiet and not so boisterous. Its ok to be feminine. Its ok to be scaired. And... its ok to trust.

So... with the light of morning rising.. and the return of the Central fire in the Sky bringing more heavy stinging warmth upon us.... I find myself craving what I felt last night. I dont know how to tell Ash this. I cannot find the words to express it. Ive mulled over several failed attempts at putting it into a phrase... but they all sounded so weak. I left the wagon as He began to stir from slumber. I sought refuge under one of my wagons within the shade and cool ground. If my words could not express my thoughts and feelings.... then perhaps the simple note and black strip of leather I left by His boots would say it all........

"All of me...... please"

Page 517 ~ Dont try so hard

Ash was busy in the Forge... again. Not that Im complaining.. I suppose I am use to if not getting use to Him working alot. The move requires much for everyone... who am I to be selfish. Uhhhhh.. exactly. Ive been keeping busy.. making sure the wagon's are up to keep and nothing is falling beyond simple repairs. Ive been stocking the supply wagons.. makign extra salves.. oils and remedies. I will need to take a trip to the trade post soon and get bandages and such to pile up for whatever may come. Ive also been making lots of cookies. Not spending time in the making of the Paga lately... has given me Ahn's in the day to find something else constructive to work on. Its not that Ive lost interest in paga brewing... but I know that Ash isnt exactly fond of me being there. Temptions He just may feel are too great for me... though.. He has not actually voiced His objection to my being there... I just gave the job to Dakota. Kota looked at me rather funny when I told Him I wanted Him to take over. He placed a hand to my forehead.. asking if I felt alright. I told Him I was fine... and that I just had too much on my plate.. something needed to go. So.. Dakota now does the brewing. Seems to fix a few things that worried me. But... back to baking. Ive discovered cookies. Sweet biscits and breads. I had lots of stone and idea's on how to make an oven of sorts. It took alot of trial and error... and in the end I was trying to make something more difficult that it was. It's that... undying urge to always be perfect or at least... make things really good. Eventually... after Jax told me not to try so hard... I went with a simply box design of stone and hardened clay. The first batch of cookies burned... had to lower the fire and make it smaller. The second batch was better... more adjustment on heat. But the third came out perfect.. chewey on the inside.. crispy on the outside. I was rather pleased with myself. I got to making shapes.. all kinds. Little bosk.. vulo... bones... swords... wheels. Anything I could think of... the possibilities were endless. The kids found them fun.. and it kept them busy trading different shapes for one's someone else got. Now here's where I went.. alittle.. whacko. After the kids went off to their various lesson's... I got alittle... frisky in my cookie making. Shaping up some boobs, which Ayguili got a basket of. Some tiny pecker's.. which of course a few of the Women got... and a nice batch of ass. Yep.. Ass cookies. I'd felt like one.. especially in how I reacted to trying to appologize to Fonce.. and in the doing of it... I felt bad for Sev having to witness that. I sent Her a box of the Ass cookies... and a note that I was sorry for being an "ass". It was worse when at the fires... She brought the box out and needed Fonce to read the note. From now on... Sev would get picture notes.. because I nearly sunk into the ground when She had to get Fonce to read my little... message. There were snickers.. jokes and "looks". Just shoot me now... was all I could think of. But in the end.. Sev came over and thanked me for the cookies. I hoped She understood why... but the talking too would just wait until a more quiet time.

I left soon after and headed to the stream. Sliding into the cool water for some relaxtion. I am still learning to battle my phobia's and not take the direct jabs at humor to heart.. so I needed this cooling off. I heard Fonce and Sev coming closer in the darkness. They stood not far from where I was soaking.. and when I heard the conversation taking place.. I quickly announced.. they were not alone. I heard words cut off and then they greeted me. I told them.. give me an Ehn and I would leave.. but Fonce said I didnt have to. I knew better... a couple doesnt come to a private spot to speak.. only to have an eavesdropper sitting there. Fonce was being.. testy. I was getting pissy... another bad combination.. and it finally culminated in Him snapping at me. Saying He didnt deserve or appriciate my.. attitude. Yeah.. whatever. He left... as He always does.. running off with Sev in tow.

So? I try to hard. I think I dont try enough most times. But for sure.. this time left me confused and baffled. Sometimes.. just saying Fuck it.. works.

It did for me.

Page 516 ~ Baby Face

Unable to wait any longer to see Ash... I packed a small snack for Him and headed to the Forge. He was inside.. as always.. busy working on things that needed doing before the move. I cant tell how long I stood there... leaning against the door frame... bathed in more than heat from the fires inside. Fires made by fuel... not from the heart. That came next.. all too soon.

I had changed into that long skirt.. the soft faded leather wrap that when I stood just so my entire leg from hip to toes would become visable. My vest was the usual old rather tight haulter that left little to the imagination. I braided my hair special... not simply down the back.. but pulled it all to the side... wrapped it in a design and then braided it so it hung down the lenght of my arm and then past down to my feet. I was feeling good... I was looking even better. I marvelled at how this Man brought it all out in me. This... unspoken need to be sexy and recognized for my efforts. MMmmmm. So there I stood.. watching Ash work the metal.. hammering it... cooling.. heating.. hammering more. The ripple of muscles beneath skin... the beads of sweat that trickled down His bare chest. I had to fan myself.. and in doing so.. cleared my throat for the perverbial attention getter. Ash set aside the hammer... pausing to look over to the person that had the gall to interupt His hard work. His look softened more when I tipped my leg out.. just a bit more. I felt His gaze traverse my body up and down and then He smiled. I asked Him... If I could interest Him in anything. He replied.. "What do you have to offer?" I told Him I was but a simple Woman.. I had food.. drink and the pleasure of my company. With that smirk of His He said... "The pleasure of a good conversation? Or the kind of company that could entertain me all night." I smiled and moved into the Forge.. the heat making me squint slightly as I stood before Him. "I am afraid I would be too brazen in answering that" I said.. insert calculated shy tip of my head here. He chuckled. "Do you desire anything?" I asked with a hushed low voice. "Desire? I desire a few things right now" He said and I chuckled. "And you?" He said.... leaving me almost breathless... I told Him what would be nice. "A strong, wise Warrior to take me in His arms... kiss me and profess His undying love would be nice" I said. Ash did that smirk/smile thing that drives me insane... and nodded. "There should be only one Warrior professing His undying love for you." He said.. and stepped closer... His hands now lifting to undo my vest. "You should be careful. You as a healer know the horror's of heat exhaustion... especially being in all this leather" He said as the vest was opened fully to Him. "Hense... my need for a strong Warrior.. He might need to rid me of this leather someday" I said with a grin. "Yes, He would need to be strong.. leather shrinks when it becomes.... wet" Ash said and leaned down to capture those hardened buds now open to the warmth of air in the Forge. Lickity split I responded with a moan... and just had to ask... "Who is the only Warrior to love me??" Ash stopped for a moment and grinned as He stood over me.. looking down... "I dont know.. but whoever it is.. He is really missing out!!!!" He said and then attacked my neck. "These... are mine" spoken after He left a kiss to each breast... "And this is mine" Whispered against my ear once He retreated from my neck. Then.. taking my face in His strong.. large hands.. He tilted my head up to Him and whispered... "And you my Silken... are mine" I melted. The heat in the Forge becomming more than in the air to give me trouble breathing.

Foreplay. Interesting as it is... was not needed. It was enjoyed.. dont get me wrong... but I was hotter than the oven's and any piece of metal in that joint. Kisses led to moans of desire.. whispered words of pleasure... and leather tossed in a pile.. discarded for the wiles of passion. Right in the middle of the Forge is where He took me. I couldnt help but think back to catching Ayg and the slaves at the stream... and I wondered... what if someone came in? I thought how disgusted I was at seeing what I saw... and then laughed... knowing I did the same thing. But my laughter was short lived... I was enticed into the darkness and thrown to the beast that waited over the edge of dreamfull pleasures.

Bathed now in the warmth of air and heaving chests that tried to catch a breath... I kissed His neck and jaw.. whispering my own words of endearment. I slid down and out of His grip to dress... giving Ash a moment to regain some control over His legs. I told Him I would be sure to bring a snack everyday now to the Forge... He was deserving of such for all His hard work. Now... There is this certain look at Man gets... a Baby Face when He speaks of His legacy and heirs to His name. It made the corner of my mouth tweek upwards when He said.. "You will think differently when you carry my baby in your belly." I laughed.. and headed back towards the wagon's. Without missing a step... I called back... "I get pretty frisky when Im pregnant." And I continued on to prep dinner for my family. It was a haughty little tune I sang on the way back.. a swing in my step... that certain air of confidance in me. I would have to make sure that we had pleanty of raw meat and chocolate around. That is... if my cravings would be the same. Who knew? The only thing I was sure of was that... Ash wanted a baby.

And damn it was going to be fun trying.

Page 515 ~ Time Out

I woke up with a headache. Rolling over.. I felt and heard the crunch of something soft beneath me. It was almost dark... a fading soft light washed over me... and that's when my eyes finally focused. Sitting up quickly.. like you do when you wake in an unfamilar place... I found myself out in the tall grasses of the plains. I had no idea how I got here.. or why for that matter. I did a quick check of limbs.. all worked... no bleeding.. So.. I hadnt fallen. I ran my fingers through my hair.. pressing my skull.. checking my scalp. Nothing. No bumps.. no sore spots.. no cuts. Hmmmm. Baffled.. I got up and did a full circle to get my bearings. The light of campfires dotting the Harigga gave me direction.. and I headed back. I tried to search my thoughts.. for what reason I would be out on the plains and... sleeping? But the last thing I remembered was a small tiff Ash and I had before retiring to our wagon. Skies... It wasnt that big of a deal. I wondered then... had He dragged me out here and left me? Nahhhh... couldnt be. It wasnt.. that bad. It was just a simple disagreement. I gave a firm nod... for sure.. I thought.. I had been walking in my sleep.

By the time I reached my circle of wagon's.. night had fallen. The usual hustle and bustle of activity played out. My children were cleaning up from dinner.. Aunt was telling the younger one's a story... Jax and Wily were working on lures of fishing... nothing seemed out of place. No one even batted an eye to my return.. so I assumed I had not been gone that long. I stood in the fire light for sometime.. watching.. hoping for a spark of understanding.. and it came in the form of Jax.. welcoming me back. I nodded... not wanting to seem confused or disoriented. "Thanks" I said. Jax nodded and stepped from the wagon to walk over. "How is the Woman?" He asked. I had to backpeddle and give a generic answer without looking like I'd lost my mind... which.. I was beginning to think... I had. "Uhhhh She is fine." Jax nodded.. then narrowed His eyes on me... staring into me and leaned closer. "How is the baby?" He said in a low voice. I answered.. "Ohh.. doing well." He scowled lightly. "Boy? or Girl..." He said even deeper and quiet. "Uhhh boy." I said and nodded.... trying to go with the flow of the conversation. That's when Jax moved closer to my lips and said.. "Liar." I snapped a gaze to Him.. narrowed a mirror image to His. He only shook His head and walked back to take up His work with Wily.

Aunt moved to me with a bowl of stew.. poking me in the side to catch my attention. I gave Her a smile and took the food... heading to sit near the fire. I ate a few spoonfulls... but I wasnt hungry. I figured doing such would take the eyes off me.. but I caught Jax now and then.. watching me. Thankfully.. Vee and Ess came over.. each taking a knee to tell me about their vulo hunting. Creeping up through the grasses... gaining a target and working with the bow's that Ash had been teaching them. I gave each a kiss on the cheek and then took to gathering the whole clan up for bed. I knew Ash would be returning soon from the Forge... and I wanted to look half way deceint. Now with each child snuggled into their furs... each with a kiss and hug... I headed to our private wagon to change and make myself pretty. I added some oils to my skin.. trying to cover the smell of dirt and grass.

Curled slightly to the sitting furs in the wagon.. I watched the firebowl. I watched the small flicker of flames with a smile. I couldnt wait for Him to come home.. this much I knew. For whatever reason this oddity happened... it seemed to do me some good. I felt light... lighter than I had in years. I felt strong and I felt revived. I wanted to hear all about His day... while He looked at me with that.. grin. I wanted to feel His arms about me... His fingers in my hair and on my cheek... and I needed to hear those words from His lips. Words of love and understanding. I had such an overwhelming sense of purpose now. A sense that I belonged.. somewhere and to someone.

I had just needed that small time out to regroup and gather myself.

Yeah... that was it.....

wasnt it?

Page 514 ~ I screamed till I could no more

I left the stream with my eyes closed. The tears were flowing as were these dreaded emotions. I.. felt my way back. I didnt need to see.. and I didnt want to see.. didnt want to see the faces that surely were looking at me.. staring.. judging.. critiquing. I wanted to die.. just curl up under a wagon and melt into the dirt. I cursed my new found emotions.. I cursed Ash for working them free.

When I felt familar ground.. my safe zone.. my wagons.. I opened my eyes. Pried them open from swollen lids so I could place the key to the lock of the Nightmare. Jax walked by.. asking what happened? Was I hurt? Did someone hurt me? I answered Him in a sob of air... I tried so desperately to capture in my throat. Able to do nothing more than shake my head.. I entered and closed the door behind me. Jax climbed the steps.. knocking on the door.. "Talk to me... " He said. "Ive had enough talking.. go away.. please Jax.. go away." I said. I knew He stood outside for a few moments more... then I heard Him leave. He would go to the Forge.. He would tell Ash.. I would need to be ready. I had to compose myself.. I had to hide. Not in the physical manner.. but within myself. I was ashamed.. embarassed. I should not have felt what I did. But I do.

There I sat at my mixing table.. head in my hands.. going over what just happened. It started out as a simply relaxing moment at the stream. I had gone to gather up my laundry that was so hastily dropped yesterday. The water looked inviting.. so I took off my boots... rolled up my pants... set my satchel aside and plunked my feet into the stream. It was nice.. calming. I began to grow aware of the sounds. The clicking of the stream.. the folding of leaves in the breeze... the grass bending to the wind. Odd.. I never really paid much attention to this before... until now. This awareness was broken by the carry of words... Womanly words.. well.. a Woman spoke them.. but they were not... Womanly. It was Sev. Cursing up a storm and then some. She was covered in paint.. of all colors. I offered Her some parchment... even a canvas. She looked at me kinda funny. "You seem to have gotten more on yourself." I said. And She nodded.. proceeding to tell me that She was throwing a tantrum.. and this was result. Ah.. I nodded. We began to talk... and in doing so.. I opened up a can of worms I think. Regrettably.. in doing so. I think I caused more harm than good. She told me how Ayg had refussed Her Brideprice from Fonce. My heart skipped a beat. Damn. Now I felt guilty. I could only tell Her... it wasnt that bad. Could be worse... She could have been given away without a care for Her worth.. or value.. like some disease needing to be quarantined... like an old used up cloth tossed to the wind. For yes... that is how I feel. I also told Her... I did not believe in Guardian's making decisions for a couple. That I believed it should be up to the couple.. unless a really bad decision could be seen. If the Man was a louse.. a complete and utter dickhead... and with very bad intentions. I know.. for a fact.. Fonce is no such thing. I know.. they would be good together... Ive seen how they act.. Ive seen life behind His eyes for the first time in a long time. And I felt guilty that I was given this chance at love... and they.. had been denied.

No sooner did this revelation arise.. Fonce arrived. I saw Sev panic.. and the Woman in me knew... She feared Her appearance. I grabbed Her and quickly pulled Her into the water. I scrubbed.. rinsed.. washed... and even primped.. all to Fonce's amusement. I tried to cover the sticky nagging emotions that I swore were more visable on me than Seveya's paint. When we left the water... I did my best to try and get out of there post haste. I was uncomfortable. I was nervous. I inadvertantly slapped my head.. telling that little voice to shut up. It wanted me to talk to Fonce. I had not since I departed in my fight to tell Him my feelings. I had to dive into something.. I had to.. hide. But no amount of hiding would do. Fonce knew. He prodded... He poked that raw tissue that was exposed... what I had all these years.. worked so hard to guard. Again.. I cursed Ash for letting this happen. I shut down... reverted back to shadow dancing. Closed myself off so that the blood didnt start streaming from my eyes and ears. I went.. cold. Fonce said "talk to me.. tell me what one of you wants to say." Pegged... nailed... cruxified. Ow. I was hurting. I was in pain. I dont know why... I just.. wanted out.. I wanted.. away. It was when Fonce said my name... "Silken" that I peeled apart. Ash would have been proud.. though.. I dont think He would have been to happy about what came forth. I told Fonce.. I was sorry. I failed. But... everything I ever said.. had not been a lie. I stepped aside... I let the better man win. And I smiled at Seveya. He thanked me. He wondered that very question for some time... and I saw a bit of relief wash over Him. Me... I was bleeding from the fingertips. He asked me something of why I didnt come to Him.. talk to Him... and I said that I knew I was not good enough. I could not stand up. I backed down. I relented.. and in doing so.. I failed.. and again.. I told Him.. Yet.. I never lied. Ever. Fonce.. bless His soul.. did His best to try and convince me that... me not being good enough was a lie. I knew He tried to comfort me. My feet were bleeding now. Eventually it came down to Him telling me that He hoped I would still come talk to Him. I told Him perhaps someday.. but right now.. It still hurt. Drops of blood ran from my eyes. I gathered a breath.. only to have this loud.. sob catch in my throat. I swallowed it down.. they were staring... they could see the blood trailing down my cheeks.. I knew it. I felt it coming out from every limb.. I felt it behind my eyes... and I began to grow blind from the darkness. I had to get out of there. I wished them well.. I told them they were good together and I extended my utmost wishes for happiness and peace. Then I closed my eyes and walked away. I was safe in the darkness that no one could penetrate.

I made it to the Nightmare.. I collapsed over the table... and I cried. I screamed into the wood of the table and slammed my fists into the top till my voice simply gave up. Vocal cords burned... muscles ached. I sat then.. for Ahn's with my head in my hands. Confused. Angry. Ash made me open up. He made me trust in emotions. I wanted to scream.. I told you so! Cause I hurt... I fucking hurt. I hurt my friends... I tried to help.. and I made them feel worse. Thats when the little voice inside me said.. "You did well. You expressed emotion.. and look.. your still alive" I laughed... alive.... yes.. but Im bleeding profusely. "See?" I said outloud. But when I lowered my hands from my face.... there was no hue of crimson... no thick dried or sticky blood in them. There was only moisture.

And they were tears.

My tears.

Page 513 ~ The Gem in Him

"Peel away the layers of the one you love.. and you'll find the true Gem"

Skies.. it made sense. Ash and I. We are older. We each have this hard protective shell around us. Why didnt I see it? It took that phrase from Tarra.. the one that stuck in my head to make it sink in. It is exactly what Ash has been doing with me these past months. He is doing.... just that. Peeling layer upon layer of tainted skin away to reveal the real... me. So... why can't I do that to Him? Because you idiot.. you dont have to. Ash has already let down His defenses.. He trusts you... and by the Skies damn Him... He knows YOU. UGH!

The hardest layer... for me.. is the one where I hold my heart. For many many years.. well beyond counting.. I can say that I was simply a trophy. Ive written about it before.. Ive even voiced it before. I was taken.. placed upon this shelf for all to gawk and admire... but with one problem. I sat and collected dust. I was just there to be viewed. No one ever bothered to reach in and brush me off and find out what was beneath those layers. No one ever looked beyond the red hair and tits. No one reached past that fire of an aura I exude... perhaps afraid to get burned. No one saw that under the skin was a Woman crying to get out... dying to live.. wanting to be free. That is.... until now.

I am.. the constant. I am the survivor. I am the one that remains. Through all my trials in life and love. I am still here. That counts... doesnt it? Why didnt anyone see that... yes Ive had five Mates... but.. they arent here anymore. I am. That says alot. That says I am undying. That says I can withstand the shit and I'll still be here. I was just waiting for the one that would say... I accept. I'll take on that challenge... and I will outlive your standards.

So with my semi-exposed heart in hand... I went to Forge. I found Ash and Wily there. I told my son to go and eat... I needed to see Ash. He had been cold the night before... angry with the whole Painting hanging thing. And... I saw His side. I should have been a bit more... restrained. I had brought Him a bota of paga. Even walked over and extended it to Him... but He was hesitant in taking it. Lowering it to the side.. I began to walk away. Hard as it was... I could not take His silence towards me. He sent one word my way.. simple.. yet commanding. "Wait" My steps stopped.. but I could not face Him. "Face me" He said and every neuron in my body fired like an explosion. I turned like the guilty party had been caught red handed. I was tingling with absolute.... excitement? Nawwwww it couldnt be. But it was. I stood there.. staring at my boots... "Look at me" He said. Twitch... shiver. And I did. Excuse me... have you seen my Mate??? This wasnt Him... couldnt be Him... but ohhhh hell.. I loved it! Where did you come from??? Yummie. "Silken.. why? Why does it bother you that I am upset with you?" He said. I tried to manuver around the sentance... but I caved.. "Because I know I have displeased you" I said. "Why does knowing youve displeased me.. bother you?" Ash said.. His voice was so deep... I was melting. "Because in displeasing you... I have also failed you." I said. Ash shook His head. "Why?" He said... and then it hit me. "Because I love you and it hurts to fail you." I said softly. My heart thumped. "Say it again" Ash said. "I love you.. and it hurts to fail you." Thump.. thump.. thump.. louder this time. "Just the first part Silken.. say it." He said. thumpthumpthumpthumpthumpthump.... "I.... love you" I said.. I felt small.. I felt open and vunerable. "Why do you deny yourself this pleasure? Why do you fear it?" Ash said.. and I told Him my fear. I told Him loving only hurt. Loving only left me alone when He would be gone. This made Him mad. I turned to run.. but He would not let me. This.... side of Ash came out that I never dreamed existed. And here... I was falling IN love with it... with Him... with the Gem that was under all the layers that is Ashoak Ley. I saw it.. I actually envisioned this red gem stone.. all the sides.. the facets.. and they shone a bright light. "You.. are Mine. You have been since I returned" He said. My knees went weak... I felt like I tried to stand on water but instead.. I sunk.. deeper into the silt of the sandy bottom of this river. "Turn around and face me. Face what you desire Silken.. face what you fear." Ash said. The suction of my feet to the ground prevented me from turning... I could get my head around... but my feet were cememted in place. " I cannot do it for you... this is something you must do on your own. " He said. Thump thump thump.. over and over.. loudly in my ear.. my chest was vibrating.. my lungs heaved for air. Suddenly.. the suction around my feet gave way.. parting.. and I could move. Slowly at first.. but I was soon turning to face Him. The air around me lightened.. yet I was aware of the heat from the fires. I was aware of every sound.. my body sucked each bit of sensory awareness into it. " I love you " He said. softly. I hung my head and cried. The fire snapped and jolted me forward. I felt it in my bones.. I felt the break of chips.. I felt the sudden burst of heat.. and I ran to Him.. wrapping my arms around His side.... crying into His chest. He spoke more.. from the heart.. and mine just ate it all up.. swelling bigger.. sprung back to life... I could not hear it so loudly anymore.. it blended in with the other sounds around me. I hung on every word He spoke.. waiting for the next tantilizing verb.. noun... pronoun.. adjective. "You are Mine. My Silken.. my life.. my love.. and soon.. the Mother of my children" Errrr... what? My look was priceless. "But Ash.. what about the Sip Root?" I said. "You are to stop taking it" He said with a grin. I hugged Him as tight as I could. He returned it.. taking most of my air in the tightness of the grip. I didnt care. I didnt need air. He was breathing for the both of us.

We walked to our bathing wagon. The steam around the wagon was thick.. inviting. Inside as the door was secured... I stood there looking at Him. Sweaty from work.. barechested... muscles still tense from hard labor. I was but an arm's reach from Him... I wanted to be closer.. I wanted to be against Him.. but He kept this invisable fence between us. Word by commanding word was given... yet it was not as a Man spoke to a slave. There was love behind it.. there was tenderness.. but there was the line of.. this is what I want.. you will do. And I did. Article by article of clothing was removed.. till I stood there unobscured by anything in His view. He welcomed me then.. into His world.. His space... I took care to undress Him slowly and then tended Him as He wished. There was no me.. there was only us now. The moments shared were rapturous... and He guided me shortly after to the bath. He stepped in.. and held a hand out.. inviting me in. I eased into the water and covered Him like a blanket of red hair and slippery flesh. His hands roamed my body like tending to a map. Every curve was followed.. every spot tended to. He was given the key... and He took it. He took from me.. all that I held so safe and secure. It was His now... He would protect it.. He would hold it close to Him so that none would ever hurt me again. I was... I am... His.

Ahn's later... we lay there.. catching out breath... totally spent. The water had sloshed out and doused the fires. We were bathed in the flicker of candlelight and I felt... complete. "Tomorrow.. we start on our family." I lifted from the bath.. and wrapped my hair in a towel. I held one open for Ash to step into. He did so.. but wrapped me in with Him. We left the bathing wagon.. together... as one. We entered our sleeping wagon together.. as one. And we slept together.. as one. The towel to me was symbolic. He would wrap me up and keep me close.. It was ok to give Him my heart.. to give Him me.. for He would not let anything or anyone in to poke at it.

I heard a distant rumble of thunder... and I smiled up to the canvas covering the wagon. I looked beyond that... to the Sky. That wicked fickle bitch and I laughed...

"Not tonight you ballsie Wench. Laugh all you want. You cannot hurt me anymore." I said.

I snuggled tight into Ash.. His arms never let go... and fell asleep.. dreaming.

Dreaming of the Tuchuk children we would raise.

Dreaming of.... life... and love.

My Gem.

Page 512 ~ Don't look Ethel !!!

Oh, yes, they call him the Streak

Look at that, look at that

Fastest thing on two feet

Look at that, look at that

He's just as proud as he can be

Of his anatomy

He goin' give us a peek

Oh, yes, they call him the Streak

Look at that, look at that

He likes to show off his physique

Look at that, look at that

If there's an audience to be found

He'll be streakin' around

Invitin' public critique

(Thank you Ray Stevens for this most memorable song from 1974. And thank you to my Grandfather for playing it for a certain very young... little girl back then. Laughed my ass off then.. laughed it off again today. Love you Gramps.. miss you)

Me and the troop.. AKA my redheaded clan of children made way to the stream to do some laundry. Some laundry? Like six basketfulls! I carried four.. Wily and Talia had one.. and thus began the conga line down the beaten path. Why didnt I have the girl's do the laundry? Simple... just because we have slaves.. doesnt mean my children will not learn how to live.. and will not become dependant toads that cant do anything for themselves. Ive seen too much of that lately. Grown Women and Men that cant do the basic things in life... yeah.. that's a pet peeve. Anyway... The usual banter filled the air... "Stop pushing me" "Dont walk so fast" "Are you touching me?" "Quit touching me!" "Momma? Sonny pulled my hair!" "Momma? Mia walks too slow...." "Momma? Did you see that?" "Momma? Momma? Momma!!!! Are you listening???!!!" Errrrr huh?

I was in my own little world... reliving what Ash and I had spoken about the night before. How something so simple as hanging a painting became such an issue.. still left me baffled.. and also left me in the vulo coop. He was quite peturbed with me... something I havent felt from Him in such a manner ever before... and yes... it bothered me.. deeply.

We were about to round the small bend in the trail when I became aware of steps.. heavier than a 14 year olds.. behind us. But.. before I could turn and peer over my mountain of baskets and clothes.. Vee and Ess stopped. Mia and Sonny banged into them and they stood there.. gawking. My first instinct was danger. A larl perhaps? A loose sleen? So I quickly shifted my load of bundles and swung around to see what the youngin's did. EEeeeeGAD! It wasnt a larl.. It wasnt a sleen.. but it was.. Ayguili and two slaves.. getting their funk on smack dab right there in the open. I knew He saw me.. I knew He saw the whole group.. damn .. it was like a show that no one paid too see!!! I looked for Wily for help. He was laughing.. little bastard. Talia was smiling and.... checking out the Sky. I dropped my baskets and quickly turned the little kids around.. shielding their eyes. Now... mind you... I am not a prude. I am also not dumb to the fact that this happens. But I will be damned if my three year old twin boys and nine year old twins will stand there and get a.. lesson from Ayguili and two slaves. Ok so I was more worried about what was going to come from their mouths. And thus it started with Starr asking.. "Momma? They playing Hide the Ost?" I ordered Wily to get the babes out of here.. Talia helped. Pushing their siblings back up the path. That is when I saw Seveya. My mouth dropped open... I was trying to yell.. "Dont look Sev !!!" but it was too late.. She had already gotten an eyefull. My stampeeding group nearly ran Her over.. thankfully.. She got caught up in the mix and we all took off.. leaving a dust storm behind.

I brought a crying.. complaining group of kids back to the main fire.. sat them down and gave them some juice. Tarra was there to witness. I could see the questions and amusement in Her eyes. I again had Wily and Talia take the youngin's back to the wagon. I would be along shortly to try and explain and answer to any questions that I knew had arisen. Tarra asked what was going on. So.. I informed Her that we had witnessed Ayg banging two slaves at the stream. One I knew was red.. the other.. I did not know and have no desire to find out who she was. Besides.. I think introductions at that point would be lost.. seeing how she was being bounced to Turia and back at that moment.

So... Tarra begins to question me. Did I not know this is common? That we see this everyday.. hear this among the wagons? No shit. Of course I knew this. But I had my Mom hat on.. and I was damned if I would budge on it. I also knew that.. heh.. I was guilty of such a public display... infact most reciently.. but... BUT.. I made sure no one was around.. and certainly.. would not have risked children seeing such. Thats just... common manners and moral's. Something I question in a few these days.

I changed the subject as Sev arrived. She was looking like She needed a harsh brush and some strong astringent to erase the picture on Her eyeballs. Tarra and I began to discuss my newly Mated life. I responded with.. Same ole same ole. It was infact the same. Oh sure.. things were different.. but all in all.. fell into a life I was accustomed too. This isnt bad mind you.. infact.. its good... because I can work back to gaining things I lost. Tarra said "Interesting". Now.. Ive known Tarra a flippin long time.. and I knew that word alone could go either way. So I added.. "Interesting in learning about each other" That was true. I have known Ash since I was knee high to a grasshopper. Ive spent many Ahn's with Him casually... talking and shooting the shit. But we never had developed past that. So... in saying we were learning about each other.. I meant.. How He likes His food... what side He likes to sleep on... Is He a left hang or a right... Does He get up to pee before He dresses?? or does He get ready for the day and then go... things like that. Things that only being Mated to a Man would you come to discover. Tarra said She was glad that I had found happiness... I had waited a long time and had been through some winners to get there. "You aint kiddin'" Was my reply. I told Tarra also that... Wouldnt it be great.. if you could take parts from different people.. and make the perfect Man? She said.. She didnt want a perfect Man. Well.. I agree.. but I mean perfect as in they have certain qualities that were pleasing. She said.. "peel away the layers of someone you love.. and you will discover everything you wish for... you will find the true gem inside." Damn.. why does She have to be right.. all the FUCKING time !!!! Bitch. ::grumble::

I had to leave. I wasnt running away on an escape route. No.. not this time. But I had a wagon full of children with questions. And I didnt really feel up to answering things about what they had seen. I was pissed at Ayg right now and had half a mind to send them all to Him. But then sense said.. "Is that something you REALLY want to do Silken?" Good Skies.. no! He would prpbably give them a real time demonstration or something. Ew. Believe me.. it was nothing to brag about. I just wish I hadnt seen it. There are a few things you need not know or see about certain people. And I did not need to see.. errrr uhmmm that.

I bid Tarra and Sev well.. and headed to the wagon. I heard the children upon my approach. I heard them all laughing. I heard the ringleader Wily... finishing up a story with... "And that is why a Warrior must get some sun on His ass!!! Tan those white shiney moons!!! " The uproar of laughter made me chuckle. Suddenly.. I knew...

Everything was going to be ok.

Page 511 ~ Twists and turns

It has been a rough week. Things revealed..things that remain hidden. More questions replace answered questions...but I suppose that is life. Ive always said life is filled with a trail of twists and turns. Depending on which trail you take decides the outcome. Ive also always wondered what would have happened if I took the other trail. Would the outcome have been worse? Was it at all possible that that could happen?

I think too much.....

I am thrilled to have seen Cana... up and about at the fires. Got me a smooch from Her.. I returned the jesture with a hug. Very pleased that She knew I had delivered goodies and was worried about Her. I was not so happy to hear a certain Healer restricted Her diet... but.. I somehow kept my mouth shut on that one. Personally.. I wanted to see Her eat. She is beautiful in any state.. even thin... but She is even more glowing fully healthy. I was sure to deliver more cookies packed with essentials to help Her bulk up just alittle more.

I also saw Kam. It had been ages since that came about. He was met with a tackle of hugs and kisses. Of course He asked if I had been good. Obviously.. I had been because wouldnt He have heard if I wasnt? Heehee. We spoke alittle before the fires filled up. It was.... nice.

And then there is Ash. Skies... what more can I say about Him? He has been my saving grace. We learn new things about each other every day. I can honestly say that Im beginning to fall in love with the big lug. Though I am still hesitant to give myself up completely to love.... I still harbor that fear it is going to be ripped away from me. Ash told me that in holding myself away... I am missing out on what I do have. Be it a short time.. or a long long time... why should I waste it? He's right. Maybe I will give Him that key and just jump in feet first. Things happen that I cant control... why should I suffer any more at my own hands? I know... I know... Im learning.

Last night was a huge step for me. I was speaking to Jax about a few things when unbeknownst to me.. Ash had come up to the wagons. He watched our exchange and when Jax left.. He asked me if we had always been "this close"? Well... yes. We had. Closer at times too, no less, though I did not voice that part. I sensed a small hint of... jealousy and it was rather sexy on Him. In any case.. that was not my main focus. I spoke to Ash about Wily and His desire to earn His name... and also to work as His apprentice at the Forge. We agreed that when Wily was comfortable and ready ... He would seek Ash out. I have a feeling this wont be long. I turned my attention to Ash going back to work at the Forge. After His injury.. I was admittedly scaired of Him doing so... that is.. until I came up with the information that His eye could be fixed. If not perfect.. it would be a hell of alot better. So tonight.. I showed Ash that His eye was not dead. I got the special lamp.. the one with the long tube that shines a beam of light for direct application. I brought it to the supposed dead eye... covered His good eye.. and manuvered the beam towards the back of His eye. I know He saw it.. He ducked. He was very quiet. Im sure He didnt know what to make of it.. or understand it. Then... I hit Him with what I wanted to do... err what I hoped to do. I told Him how the healer's of Earth did this proceedure and replaced the damaged scar tissue and in most cases.. vision was restored. I wanted to do this for Him.. since He had done so much for me. I know that our medical abilities are much better than Earth's.. and with the years and years of information and training that Keys got from the Tuchuk and from some Barbarian's.. I just knew I could do it. Ash asked me... if it didnt work.. would I be alright with that. He said He knew how I was with just a normal patient.. how perfection was the only thing accepted. How would I react with Him.. if it failed? I simply told Him.. I would be hurt.. disappointed and angry if it didnt work... but it just had to try. I mean.. what was there to lose? He cant see from it now... any return of vision would be great. We discussed where the lens would come from. I said.. prolly a dweller.. someone from a passing Caravan.. maybe even a slave. He grew alittle uncomfortable with my offerings. "A slave?" He said. I nodded and said.. "What does it matter? If you can see again... see our babies someday.. see.. me." Well that calmed Him right down. I did add a few visual's of thought for Him to chew on.. heh. Which.. sparked a rather fine... reaction.

It was late when we finished talking. I had planned a wonderful night for tomorrow. Kinda like a pre new eye date. A warm bath... some berries and treats. If He enjoys this... just imagine how much He will with the restoring of His full vision.

I only hope I am as beautiful to Him with two eyes... as I was with one.

If not... Im going to sew a patch over that eye....

permanently.

Page 510 ~ Was it good for you?

For the life of me... I cant figure out that question... Who am I.. really? I know the basic. I am Silken. I am a Mate... a Mother and a friend. I am a Tuchuk.. a healer. I am a Woman. I am a bitch... and I am nice, sometimes. That doesnt help. I can list what I am... but not who. Who?! Am I just Silken? Just Silken with the red hair.. Silken with the attitude.. Silken with the sharp tongue.

In trying to find myself.. I discovered Ive become more lost. Ive always tried to do the right thing mostly.. sometimes I took the wrong path to that ideal at times. But mostly.. I try to do right. Maybe that makes me an adventurer. I am always seeking the next challenge.. the next obsticle to over come.. the next hurdle to take on. Or perhaps that makes me foolish. Ive been called a foolish silly Woman... even by someone I trusted. So that must be true. Maybe Im a dreamer.. always reaching for the next cloud.. the next level. Trying to get just one more step towards the unobtainable. Or maybe that makes me blind. Cannot I not see that I cant have everything? No matter how hard I try? Ahhh.. that makes me determined. That isnt so bad..... is it?

There's where I got bogged down. Stuck in this loop of words and self critique. And there's where I just kept crying... because I could not put my finger on what it was and what I am.

Now Ash comes back to the wagon and finds me sitting near the lamp. The window in the wagon is open... there is a light breeze that gains access to the room and it is cool though the night is hot. And there I sit.. staring at the light.. red.. puffy eyes. Tear stained cheeks. Pretty.. isnt it? For some reason.. He seemed to think so. He smiled. He was... pleased. He says He wants all of me... not just the parts I am willing to show. He wants the me that no one else gets to see. And while that is a fair request... I am having a hard time finding and figuring out.. just who that is. Whatever it is.. it is lost among what I have taken refuge behind. I dont even know who the real me is anymore. I dont expect Him to understand. I just wish He knew how hard I tried to give this to Him. How can you find what your looking for so desperately.. when you dont even know what it is your looking for in the first place? Still.. He is talking... encouraging and yet saying things that make me feel more helpless and more vunerable than ever. I started to cry again. Alittle at first.. then more. I was embarassed... ashamed. I wanted to hide when I couldnt catch my breath. Finally He asked me what I was feeling. I told Him.. I felt Him staring at me. Because I did. He pulled me to Him and held me... and the control I was trying to hold onto... broke. The wall had a crack in it and things ooozed out from behind it.

Emotions.

Mortar gave way in small flakes.. then chunks... bricks began to loosen and fall free to larger holes. Behind that.. the raw sticky sinew that is me was becoming.. exposed. It hurt.. it.. stung like salt in an open wound. I was.. scaired. So I stuck my finger in the open void and stopped the flow. I heard a little voice say.. "A little at a time. Slowly. No need to rush" I nodded against His chest to this inner conversation. I calmed down and eased my finger back. Nothing came out. Whatever was behind this wall... damned itself but still sloshed and rolled... waiting for the next time it could rise.

I was exhausted. Beyond tired. My eyes could not stay open.. mostly from the swelling. It was there... against Ash's chest.. in His arms that I relented to sleep. I may not have liked it.. but I felt lighter. He did not let me fall apart too quickly. He did not let anything in to poke and scratch at the rawness that was exposed. I was safe... in this cocoon that was Ash. In silence as I was lulled deeper to sleep... as I listened to His heartbeat... I asked...

Was it good for you?

Page 509 ~ A heart to heart.....

with myself.

I did not find Tarra home when I went to Her wagon. I looked around and saw Ulric who said She was out. Giving Him a nod... I asked that He please tell Her I wished to see Her... no emergency.. at Her conveinence. He nodded and I rushed back off to return to my wagon before Ash did. I ran up the steps and quickly cleaned up from my journey during the day. Once I was presentable.. I headed out to make dinner and was more than surprised to hear a greeting from Ash that now sat at the fire. I really dont want to relive what happened.... just that we got into a rather intense discussion about me. He asked me "Who am I to you? A Patient? A Mate?" Well.. sometimes.. He was both. I was getting more irate by the Ihn. And when He asked again.. I told Him.. A Mate. He didnt believe me. He wants to see me.. not the healer.. but the Silken that remains in hiding. I just dont know how to do that. Walls that go up quickly.. tend to take time in coming down.... but just how patient is Ash? Apparently.. not very. He left me with a statement before riding out to the plains. "You Silken.. need to ask yourself some questions" I replied.. "Ive been asking questions all my life" and Ash added... "Then your not asking the right one's" Then He was gone. Took off on kaiila back and left me standing there stewing in my own anger. I climbed the steps and slammed the door closed.. I paced.. I growled.. cussed and threw things.

After my tantrum subsided.. I removed this journal from the old satchel and began to write. Who am I? What am I?

Silken the healer:

Cold, heartless, emotionless, uncaring..... Bitch

Silken the Mate:

.... scaired.

I drove the quill into the entire line of the healer part... tearing into the parchment in spots. I didnt want to see it. I dont want to face myself if this is how I am seen. I dont want to face anyone if this is how they see me. As the tears fall down my cheeks... blurring my vision and pooling over my legs and these pages... I wonder....

who am I?

really....

Page 508 ~ Eyeing a change

So there I was. Faced with hiding or standing up and addressing this continued talk with Ash. I heard Him... outside.. speaking with Jax on the platform. Moving closer to the door.. I leaned and listened in. They were discussing Ash's injury and His eye. There was something in His tone of voice.. as He told Jax about the collar striking Him on the blind side that bothered me. I mean really bothered me and suddenly.. I just couldnt do it. I couldnt hide. I thought back to when I had been checking Ash over during the fever's. I made mental notes about His damaged eye. I knew that the optic nerves.. tissues and muscles were all intact... but the claw mark that left a scar from eyebrow, over the eye, and down His cheek... had turned the iris grey. It looked like a small pocket of mist had settled in a perfect circle. For all purposes.. it looked dead. But as I brought a lamp closer.. I could see subtle small changes.. like it was trying to work but something was preventing that. Suddenly.. I stood up.. It hit me like a wagon. I needed to go see Keys. Keys... who's real name is Enna.. was given the nickname because of Her very large ring of keys She carried that opened a zillion locked boxes. Keys.. was my mentor many years ago in healing. She taught me the basic's. I flung the door open.. surprising Jax and Ash. Pushing past them.. Ash grabbed my arm with a "Where you goin?" I quickly offered... " I need to go see Cana.. and then I need to see an old friend... I'll be back before dark. Promise." With that.. I wiggled free and hurried off. I did stop by Cana's wagon's. Rook informed me She was resting. She had a busy day of visitors. I nodded. "Please tell Her I was here. I look forward to seeing Her" And I took from my satchel a small jar of lavender oil. The scent was calming... the lotion had been mixed to soften the skin. It was a girlie gift.. but one that just pleased the senses and created a good feeling effect.. something I thought would help Cana. I handed it to Rook and made sure He would deliver it.

I was off again. Weaving the wagon rows towards the Outer Wagon's. Now Keys wasnt.. thankfully... on the very outer edge of wagon's.. but more at the outskirts of the very beginning. It had been sometime since I'd visited Her and I knew I would be blasted for my lack of appearances. My greeting came in the form of a small metal cup to the back of my head as I wandered around trying to remember if not find Her wagon. I spun around with a rubbing to my head to see the Old Woman glaring at me. "You forget where I live eh?" She said. I grinned.. no I smirked. She still had that edge to Her. "Tal Keys" I said.. and bent down to retrieve Her cup that had met my head. I walked to Her.. placing the cup in Her hand and leaned to kiss Her cheek. "Keys... I have a prob....." She cut me off. "You didnt even bother to bring your Man? Your new Mate? For me to meet?" She said snarling slightly. "Im sorry Keys. It all happened so fast... I will. I promise.. but right now...." I was backtracking like a small child. "Sit.. sit..." She said with a growling voice and a wave of Her hand. I lowered to the bench near Her fire... surprised as I watched Her move to sit and face me. She looked good. Damn good for Her age. Once She was sitting I started to talk... "Keys... my Mate...." She jumped right in. "Ashoak Ley... mhhhmmm" I lifted my brows.. "Yes Keys... how did you....." again.. I was cut off. "Im not deaf.. I heard the drums." She replied and then seemed to soften. She continued. "Tell me what the problem is Silken." I was thankful. I wanted to get my answers and hurry back to Ash with news. Good or bad. I began to tell Keys what I knew about Ash.. about His run in with the claws.. His eye.. His most recient injury and my subsequent exam of this so called dead eye. I told Her how I had little expierence in working with eyes but my gut told me.. the eye was not dead. I told Her how it seemed to try and respond to light... how all the occular functions seemed intact.. nerves, tissues, muscles and the like. Yet.. the iris was grey... milky... thick and blocked His vision. Keys sat a moment.. taking it all in. Then She slapped Her palms to Her knees and stood. Out came that key ring... and She fumbled through about a hundred before choosing one and heading off to a wagon. Keys returned ten Ehn later with several objects in hand. One was a jar.. inside a thick liquid floated a complete eye... strings of nerves and tissue attached. This eye was also grey... just like Ash's. Keys set a small block down and Her cutting tools... small razor like blades. She opened the jar and plucked the eye out.. setting it to the block. And thus began my lesson. She told me that in some untreated cases of occular trauma... a thick milky shell formed on the lens of the eye. This is what caused the hazing and discoloration and eventual loss of vision. I asked then... was this treatable. Keys smiled and nodded... and said "Of course.. and here's how you do it....." I listened and watched intently as She showed me how to work on the eye. How I needed to removed the lens.. and then She informed me.. I needed another good one to replace it... and it needed to be fresh. As She worked.. She said that restored vision might not be perfect... but would be much better than trying to look past a cloud... as She put it. I was worried.. not about finding or taking the replacement... but at making such small precise insisions and stitches. But... I would not leave Her wagon until I practiced.. got yelled at a few times... and finally had it down what needed to be done. We sat for an Ahn after lesson time... one of Her students had taken the instruments and was sterilizing them. Keys got up and located another key on Her ring and headed into a different wagon. When She returned.. She handed me a box. I opened it to find several bottles that held different liquids. Keys instructed me on each. One was a fluid that would deaden nerve response to the eye area so it could be worked on... one was to wash the eye with.. another for after that would keep the eye clean and treat for any infection that might occur. And then... I was handed the instruments... Her instruments... that I just used in my lesson. "Oh Keys... I cant take these...." I said. "You can and you will Silken. Take them with my love and strenght that you will aid your Warrior." She said. I could do nothing but jump over to embrace Her. "Thank you Keys. Thank you so much for having faith in me." I whispered to Her ear. "No thanks needed Silken. Just... bring Him by after the operation yes?" She smiled and spoke against my cheek. "Yes. I will Keys.. I promise" I said.. kissing Her cheek again. I gathered up all my new supplies and tools and placed them in my satchel. Slung now over my shoulder... I headed back towards the rows... about to extend my be well's when Keys piped up... "Oh and Silken?" I paused..... "Yes Keys?" looking to Her. She grinned.. that wily smile and shook a finger at me.... "You better be with child when you come back... the boys are... what? three? four?" I laughed hearing Her. "Yes Keys.. they are almost four... and we will see." I said.. shaking my head as I continued with my farewell. "No Silken... He will see. He will see you... and that'll knock His boots off. One eye is good.. two.. is much better." She said. I smiled a bold.. willfull grin.. flipping my braid over a shoulder. Keys added... "You always did know you were beautiful.. arrogant bitch" We both laughed and I nodded. "Be well Keys... and thank you!" I said as I headed back to the First Fires. "Your welcome Silken... may the Sky bless you and guide you" Keys said. "I hope so...." I whispered as I walked back to my wagons.

The entire way back.. I was redoing the procedure in my head. Setting everything to memory. It was funny... I kept noticing the eyes on the way back... I kept looking at each I passed. And as the Pink Nightmare came back into my view... I stopped dead in my tracks.

"Where the fuck am I going to get an eye?????"

I scratched my head... I mulled it over... and then I grinned.... "Where else would you go for an eye? Who would have one... or ... could get one ! " I grinned.

Tarra.

And I detoured my route to Her wagon.

Page 507 ~ Protection from myself

Ash's arm and hand healed well. He will have scar's... pretty nasty one's... but use of the said items will be normal. For days.. I kept a vigil at His side.. breaking away only to bathe, check on Cana and my children and to mix a few salves for Ash. I was pretty sure He was going to be pissed when I finally stopped giving Him the seditive to make Him sleep... but I knew this was the only way to keep His ass down to heal.

While walking back to the wagon from the Nightmare.. I heard the drums. Its a sound that makes you hold your breath at first. Straining to hear... my fingers began to tighten on the mug I held. I couldnt believe the word. I didnt want to. But now... Cana's plight made sense. Ba'atar had passed. Gone to join those of the Sky and now watch over us. My emotions began to take a hold... I felt the well of tears but had to push them away till a better time. I made sure that my girl's had cookies ready and I sent Jax over with a large basket for Cana. A message to tell Her that Ash had been injured and I would be over to see Her very soon. I told Him to give Her our expressions of sorrow for Her loss. Even though I knew words did little for the heart.... I figured the cookies would help. They always did.. didnt they? Jax returned later that night smiling. While Ash was coming out of His drug induced sleep... I stood on the steps as Jax reported. He said that Cana took the cookies with great... vigor. I smiled. He told me that She immediately stuffed one into Her mouth. I was pleased. She would need Her strenght and energy... and what better to give that than cookies? Jax then told me the personal message from Cana... To Thank me.. that She loved me.. and would see me soon. Again... my emotions began to rise. I smiled and asked Jax to keep a watch and stop by Her wagon now and then.. make sure if She or the children needed anything to see they got it. I would visit with Her tomorrow. But right now... I had to bring Ash back to the living.

Returning to the wagon... I began to feed the tea to Ash. It was a slow go but I eventually got most of the fluid into Him. he had been burdened with fever for three days straight... coming and going... putting a toll on His body. He was pale but somehow... made it through each round. I was litterally petrified each time the heat of His body rose. Working constantly to cool Him without shocking His system. His delusions from the fever were not violent but disturbed His chance to rest. He even called out several names that I did not recognize. A few I did.

He had now been fever free for two days and the tea began to work... I watched as He struggled to return from the fog I placed Him in. Early last night His breathing became even and steady and His eyes rolled under the lids. He was dreaming... finally. I myself closed my eyes and rested. It felt like I had only just blinked when I heard my name being called. It was soft.. calming. When I looked up... I saw Ash sitting on the furs and smirked. He looked rather sexy in His loin cloth. Again.. with the damn emotions that I had to bite back... but I moved to Him to check His arm and hand. They looked good... damn good. He even took notice for a moment before pulling me a bit closer. His next request was one that I found difficult to do. "Mate first, healer second" He asked of me. "I want my Silken right now... not the healer.. I want my Mate here" Damn.. I was trying.. but it was always so hard to cut the two apart. Especially when it came to those I love. The private Woman Silken ... who loves and is soft hearted... pitched up against the cold heared bitch that is the healer. A fine line that is not so easily stepped to one side or the other at times. There was so much more that I needed to do for Ash... but He wouldnt hear of it. I listened as He spoke. The things He said.. were very hard to hear. The part about how I cast this shell around me in public... maintaining a certain distance from people.. and keeping myself protected while also providing a certain hardness to my facade. He told me.. He allowed this. Well gee thanks! Like He could ever stop the different parts of me... sheshh. He kept reminding me that we were alone... and it was here.. with Him that He wanted the other side of me. The softer side.. the feminine side. He wanted me to cry. I could not. Not yet. I always saw it as a sign of weakness.. so when I did do it.. it happened when I was alone or with one I trusted. Right now... it was contained deep inside me... held by that dark demon that lives within me. Eventually.. Ash grabbed me by my face. He held me in a way that His palms nearly swallowed up my cheeks. I tried to struggle to break free... I protested with soft whimpers. His touch was static. Tingling. Now forced to look at Him.. He posed several questions. What was I feeling? How did I feel? What did I want to do? I replied in how I wanted to grab Him and shake Him.. pound on His chest.. scream at Him for leaving me with this injury. I wanted Him to hurt... because I was hurting. I wanted.. several times to wake His ass up.. to feel the pain that He brought on.. and not His own physical pain but mine too. I was hurting.. and it was all His fault. I wanted Him to know that if He did this again... the injury better kill Him because if it did not.. I would. But that contradicts every else I said in that I didnt want Him to leave me. He said... "You thought I was going to leave you.. didnt you" I nodded... "That is what Mate's do.. they die.. they leave" That dark part of me.. the fearfull... scaired little girl part came out. I had to quickly try and reel it back in. I was sure Ash was going to backhand me when I clammed up. Effective a method as it is... it always brought out that side that I tried to contain. Pain usually does. I didnt feel that... He did not strike me... instead.. told me that.. He was here.. with me. This gave me the chance to pull back from within. I announced I was tired.. and I did not wish to discuss this further. Yet my hook was not taken fully.. only toyed with as He voiced "We will talk tomorrow" He pulled me to His chest.. took one of my hands in His and then pressed it to His chest. His own hand covered mine and then some. He forced me to feel His heart.. the beat.. the love. I closed my eyes... I felt the dark one escape back down... and I felt the rise of those hated emotions climb back up in it's place. But they did not come out. Ash brought me to the furs.. laying beside me. His hand still tightly encompassing mine. Somehow.. He was tired. I was tired. And though I battled against the increasing mist that closed my eyes... I failed. Slipping into a exhaustion I'd not felt in a long time.

When I woke this morning.. well what I thought was morning but turned out to be the next night... Ash was gone. I was told by the girl's.. He went to the stream to wash. Good. This gave me time to gather a few things and get my ass out of sight. At least till He got over this.. seeing the softer side of Silken. Damn tongue twisters. Say that three times fast.

I had my satchel packed.. windscarf up around my chin...and was getting my boots on when... I heard the heavy footfalls on the steps.

Busted...

I needed to hide.

Page 506 ~ How much is it worth?

Sleep escaped me last night. The first true bout of insomnia since my nightmares were banished. I was literally exhausted... having taken the Red out for a long ride on the plains. It felt like I touched the ends of the plains and returned... I rode so far and fast. Nearing the Harigga at the outskirts of the herds... I saw a silloutte in the distance. It was familar.. I knew the figure that graced the saddle and turned the kaiila towards it. Ash was riding and checking the bosk... He seemed surprised to find me... or me finding Him. True.. I was supposed to be resting.. and technically I was. I was sitting.. my arm was resting.. errr somewhat. I cringed when I looked down at the swollen lenght of forearm when He asked how it was. I told Him it was healing.. true as it was... I only aggravated it just a pinch. Our kaiila walked side by side as we spoke. He began to ask me about a missing rooster... had I noticed it? MMMmmm no not really. I didnt really count.. unless eggs were light. He asked me about Dakota and Ongel. I told Him I know Kota hadnt seen the healer... and for that matter.. neither have I. The line of questioning continued about Shanay.. and I was growing more interested in where this was going. Ash said He assumed that someone must have talked some sense into Ongel.. to reverse the idea of buying off my eldest daughter for two vulo... perhaps.. it was a newly mated warrior that spoke to Ongel. Immediately... everything fell into place. The return of the vulo.. the missing rooster... and now.. Ash. I said.. It was you.. wasnt it? You stopped it. He tried to backtrack... deny it was Him. I told Him to stop.. I wanted to know.. was it Him? He smiled and I knew right there... He had. It filled me with pride and a sense of security. Climbing from my saddle over to His... I hugged Him with the good arm. My heart sank when He flintched. Ash assured me that He rather enjoyed my arm around Him.. but He was in pain. I felt the healer in me rise to the surface.. beginning immediate assessments and questioning. I was shown His arm... a long wide burn angered the flesh. He had been working collars at the forge when a band of metal snapped free and slapped against His skin. It stuck.. long enough to burn deeply and when He removed it.. the flesh tore a jagged strip into Him. He had not yet treated it.. I knew infection could set in.. so I snapped to action harta! My old satchel was gathered from my saddle and I treated His arm as we sat on kaiilaback. I didnt tell Him... I didnt even show a sign.. but I was scaired. It reminded me of the time Jerus and Wily almost died from an accident at the forge. If I lost Ash now... the results would be none too pretty. I feared for Him.. and myself. I feared for myself.. the mental breakdown of everything I had accomplished and worked for. The more Ash spoke.. the more frightened I became. I deducted that the band of metal came from His blind side.. in the colorless dead eye from a prior injury. He never saw it.. and reacted too slow. Concerned so deeply.. yet I had to maintain a calm to treat His arm. I was selfish in my thinking... wondering if from this point on.. would I constantly worry about Him.. would I see Him return from the next injury? How many more injuries would there be... would I be a nursemate to my Mate for the rest of my life? For the first time since He claimed me... I doubted Him... and I doubted my life with Him. I felt shame after that... for thinking such.. but I am only Gorean.. self perservation is instinct. I did not share these feelings with Ash... merely treated His arm.. with salves and herbs that would ward off any infection. His arm was bandaged and we rode back to the wagons. I could not shake the feelings that washed over me. Thinking of course... on the worst of everything. Him being injured.. Him unable to hold me like I desired. His work at the forge would suffer because of lack of use of one arm for several days. He would not be able to hunt for us effectively... I ran through the entire gament of things. I do not handle it well when my strenght fails. And Ash is my strenght. But... I made sure He rested in the furs and it was there I further treated His arm. Slipping a small dose of sleeping powder into His drink... He was soon fading into a sleep... one that He fought valiently... but lost. I was then able to treat the burn on a deeper level.. cleaning it and pulling the small pieces of metal that embedded into the flesh. I spent Ahn's working on Him with precsion and determination that nothing would further harm Him. The Sky began to laugh at me and sometime in the wee morning Ahn's.. the fever set in. His flesh was so hot to the touch... a natural reaction to the injury. I sent the girls for cool water and kept a constant vigil at His side... placing and replacing cloths to His head.. the back of His neck.. His knees... all the pressure points. Herbs and medicines kept Him stable and somewhat comfortable.... blackwine kept me alert and tendfull. Several Ahn's later... the fever began to withdrawl. His breathing trained from ragged to slow and steady. The salves on His arm had begun to work.. deep into the tissue. The redness that crept around the burn retreated to a point of normal conditions. When I was confident He was out of danger... I had tanya sit with Him while I washed and rested. I was not far... laying on the cot in the back of Nightmare. I kept sighing... I kept questioning what I did and what I would do. I scaired the living shit out of myself.... and I couldnt return from the place I sent myself into. Could I go through this again? Could I stay and stand up this time.... How much was it worth?

Everything.

Page 505 ~ Do you believe in magic?

I have to admit.. Yamka did a wonderful job on repairing my old black boots. They fit great.. they feel like me.. they are still everything I remember.. except now they work. I also have to admit... I rather fancy the new pair She made. Red. Red boots.. Magic boots She called them. Now... I didnt want to seem.. overly excited. So.. I set them aside and waited till later so I could model my new red boots. And model I did. Ash had a few things to tend to before dinner... so we left the main fires to part ways for a bit. I headed directly to my wagon and locked the door. Hiking up my leathers... I slipped off the old boots and slid into the new magic boots. I was vain in my observation in the long mirror. Tipping a leg out here... pointing a toe out there. Giving a fluff to my hair... so now.. from top to bottom I was truly.. Red. But Magic? I dont put much into the word. But there was something in these boots. Be it the making or just how I felt at this moment. I felt a fire deep in my soul. Attitude. It felt good. Carefully.. I paraded around the wagon.. smiling and singing. I then had the sudden desire to bake cookies. Dont know why... but I did. And I did it in my magic boots. I got a few looks from Jax.. and from Aunt... but nothing negitive in comment. After the cookies were finished... I sent boxes of them to various places. One to Sev... one to Fonce... one to Ayg and Mezoo. One to Tarra and Kam... and a special big box to Yamka. The rest.. and there were lots.. were put into a bowl and would be taken to the main fire later. Before I headed back to the main fires... I needed to stop by and see Cana. I brought more liquids that I had been working on.. hoping to help Her body fight. The Spex had Her mind in care.. it was my job to make sure Her body would sustain that through this ordeal She ventured into. I made sure the mix of vitamins and sugar was enough to hydrate Her and keep blood flow to Her muscles and organs. It was rudementary... and I felt helpless... but it was all I could do. That.. and many prayers. I sat with Her for a time.. talking to Her.. reminding Her that She was loved by all of us. We were here.. waiting for Her. I found myself telling Her about my new boots. Magic boots.. and now I was giving Her some of that magic to fight and come back to us. I had to leave when the Spex returned. Hesitantly I departed with a few words to Rook and I left Him with some cookies as well.

I was feeling alittle down when I returned to the main fires. It didnt get any better from there. Seems Sahkna and Enh were in some heated arguement with Ayguili. I just sat and listened. It ended with Sahkna leaving and Enh was backtracking in a way to try and make Ayg understand a few things. Tarra and I exchanged a few looks.. and I finally had enough. I said everyone needed to calm down and have a cookie. Which.. I gladly distributed. Ayg smiled at me.. wrapped an arm around my shoulders and munched. Again... it was a small thing that I could do to show them... I was trying.

Ash returned from the forge. He was looking mighty fine I might add. All large and manly.. sweaty. He is a big Man... but most dont see the even bigger heart beneath that chest. It is something most Warrior's do not show outwardly. Im kinda partial to be the only one that know this side of Him. I feel.. honored. Ayg said that mating seemed to agree with me. He likes my smile.. and it would seem that being Mated to Ash has brought that back to me. Perhaps.. or maybe it just my magic boots. When the activity died down... I said I was returning to our wagons. He asked if I wanted company. Well DUH.. of course I did. So off we went. He escorted me into our wagon where I stood and looked at Him for the longest time. He removed His vest.. I could see how hard He worked and I smiled. The braid in my hair was taken out... but I was having quite the time with clothing and the broken arm. It was His pleasure to help me out of them. For a Man that could easily snap any bone in my body with little effort.. He craddled me with the most tender of touches and movements. We lay on the furs now.. side by side... and He said.. I was truely beautiful as His eyes roamed the lenght of my body. I felt the beating of His heart within that protective cage of corded muscle in His chest. It matched the rapid pulse of my own. The simple act of love.. the inner show of affection and caring... baffels me as to the strenght this Man possesses. Sometimes.. I want to tear Him open for everyone to see just how special He is... but then I would no longer hold that secret. I dont want to share that part of Him.. with anyone. It is mine and mine alone. It is... a wonderful feeling. Magic.

As we lay in the furs... catching out breath... I laughed. I was so lucky to have someone to put me back together. Someone to bring that smile to my face... someone to accept my quirks and flaws. Ash could hold the reins and show me things I never thought possible. Perhaps... in some odd little way.. I helped Him as well. He drifted off to sleep. I waited about an Ahn till silence painted the camp and then I pried myself from His grip. I had.. a job of sorts to tend too. Sneaking from the wagon and into the Pink Nightmare... I grabbed a jar of itching powder and headed off to Sahnka's wagon. I was liberal in its application. So much that it left me scratching even after a quick wash up at the stream. Passing by Ayg's wagon.. I grinned... and I left a small calling card in His right boot. Just a bit of the itching powder to let Him know... I had done a job. A job well done. Returning to my wagon and back under the protective grip of Ash.. I chuckled lightly. Tomorrow was going to prove interesting.

And now... for my next trick.

Page 504 ~ Pointless

Ive done nothing much the past days. Ash has seen to it that I rest. All over a little broken arm. It makes me feel useless... just sitting about.. watching the fires.. watching all the fires. Here... at the healers wagons.. the Ubar's fires. And once.. they held a difference.. they burned differently... now... I see likeness in them all. Perhaps this is a good thing.. that I do not study the flames so intently as I once did... or... it could be bad... that I might be losing myself once again. I have had so much time to dwell on my thoughts that I am thinking way too deeply once again. Small little quirks have started to annoy me. I know they are hardly of concern.. but for me.. for my past ways of thinking... they bother me. Ive been nit-picking over things Ash says and does. Ive been stewing over things He doesnt do... not that He is perfect... but... I guess I just expected more. This is not to say Ive given up.. hardly. I intend to work hard at these quirks until they can be worked out.. or in the very least.. an agreement met.

Perhaps what set me off... was a conversation among the fire with Tarra the other night. How we missed those days when Men were Men. When a touch to the arm.. or to the cheek sent your blood to boil. About how our Men had little ways to make the heart skip a beat... the breath to pause in the lungs... those little special things that made you feel good. I know this conversation was more light of heart than in depth of meanings... but it did strike a chord in me that Ive been dwelling on since. Ash is a good Man.. a good Warrior. Our relationship is new... and love comes at different times... so Ive been told. I just dont want to feel like worthless property... never have.. never will. I would like to feel... like I am worth something more than... red hair and a wit of humor.

Then it comes down to that healer Man... coming to my fires to check on me. And then it comes down to Ash telling this healer He wants Him to continue to check on me. And then... Ongel wants payment for services rendered. Well... slit me from ear to ear and call me smilie. Fine... I told Ash where the vulo coop was and had Him get two hens for the healer. It turned out that Ongel had no coop... only hens running about His wagon grounds. I said I would have Talia stop by.. build Him a coop.. since that seemed to be what She was into at the moment. The conversation turned towards my daughter. My 14 year old daughter. Ongel asked if I had any children of age... so naturally.. I offered that Shanay was 24. This seemed to peak the interest of Ongel.. and Ash offered that He could have Shanay for the price of two vulo hens. Obviously.. if this was a joke.. I was not laughing. The two went on and on.. oblivious to my words.. ignoring me.. and down right pissing me off. At one point.. I became so enraged... I literally.. passed out. Thunking right down onto my platform. Still.. after I began to wake up... the Men continued. I... was still... not laughing. So I went to sleep. A few Ahn later... I woke to yelling outside the wagon. I rose and dressed.. to find my eldest son Dakota outside stalking the firepit. Cussing and talking about dismembering a few people. It seems He had heard of His sister and Her supposed claiming... and He demanded to know just who had allowed such to happen when He was Her Guardian. It took me several more Ehn to calm Him down to where He would listen. A full bota of paga later and my son was listening to reason. I said I honestly thought this was all a jest at my behalf. Dakota stating valid points that such a jest should not have been carried off to the main fire's and discussed... and especially.. His twin Sister... could not and would not be bought for the price of a mere two vulo. This... I agreed with. I asked Kota to breath.. and to let me find out just what had happened... I also assured Him that nothing would take place with Shanay without me speaking to Ash and even Ayguili if need be. I also reminded Him not to go off half cocked.. as that was partly my doing... I seemed to have instilled that in Him long ago. Taking His hand.. we sat at the fire.. staring into it... again. And just as He had done so long ago.. my son leaned over to rest His head to my shoulder. He allowed me to run my fingers through His hair.. comforting Him.. and if I could have.. I would have pulled Him to my lap and rocked Him. But He was so grown now.. a Man. Maybe... even He wanted some of that carefree innocence back.. and somehow ... I wanted it too. I wanted to be held and told everything would be ok. I wanted to hold Him and tell Him.. not to worry. This.. unspoken reassurance was enough though.. to satisfy the raging beast in Dakota.. enough that He left to sleep. Before I knew it.. the breaking morning light had begun to rise over the horizon. I quickly started breakfast for Aunt.. Ash and the kids. Going about my business like I had slept all night and just risen. Not much had been solved... yet.. when I left the camp to gather eggs and then returned... I saw the cage of vulo sitting on the platform. A shake of my head... and I wondered... just what the hell was going on. I sure as shit didnt know... but if this was some sort of joke.... it sucked... and someone was going to catch hell for it.