Ash's arm and hand healed well. He will have scar's... pretty nasty one's... but use of the said items will be normal. For days.. I kept a vigil at His side.. breaking away only to bathe, check on Cana and my children and to mix a few salves for Ash. I was pretty sure He was going to be pissed when I finally stopped giving Him the seditive to make Him sleep... but I knew this was the only way to keep His ass down to heal.
While walking back to the wagon from the Nightmare.. I heard the drums. Its a sound that makes you hold your breath at first. Straining to hear... my fingers began to tighten on the mug I held. I couldnt believe the word. I didnt want to. But now... Cana's plight made sense. Ba'atar had passed. Gone to join those of the Sky and now watch over us. My emotions began to take a hold... I felt the well of tears but had to push them away till a better time. I made sure that my girl's had cookies ready and I sent Jax over with a large basket for Cana. A message to tell Her that Ash had been injured and I would be over to see Her very soon. I told Him to give Her our expressions of sorrow for Her loss. Even though I knew words did little for the heart.... I figured the cookies would help. They always did.. didnt they? Jax returned later that night smiling. While Ash was coming out of His drug induced sleep... I stood on the steps as Jax reported. He said that Cana took the cookies with great... vigor. I smiled. He told me that She immediately stuffed one into Her mouth. I was pleased. She would need Her strenght and energy... and what better to give that than cookies? Jax then told me the personal message from Cana... To Thank me.. that She loved me.. and would see me soon. Again... my emotions began to rise. I smiled and asked Jax to keep a watch and stop by Her wagon now and then.. make sure if She or the children needed anything to see they got it. I would visit with Her tomorrow. But right now... I had to bring Ash back to the living.
Returning to the wagon... I began to feed the tea to Ash. It was a slow go but I eventually got most of the fluid into Him. he had been burdened with fever for three days straight... coming and going... putting a toll on His body. He was pale but somehow... made it through each round. I was litterally petrified each time the heat of His body rose. Working constantly to cool Him without shocking His system. His delusions from the fever were not violent but disturbed His chance to rest. He even called out several names that I did not recognize. A few I did.
He had now been fever free for two days and the tea began to work... I watched as He struggled to return from the fog I placed Him in. Early last night His breathing became even and steady and His eyes rolled under the lids. He was dreaming... finally. I myself closed my eyes and rested. It felt like I had only just blinked when I heard my name being called. It was soft.. calming. When I looked up... I saw Ash sitting on the furs and smirked. He looked rather sexy in His loin cloth. Again.. with the damn emotions that I had to bite back... but I moved to Him to check His arm and hand. They looked good... damn good. He even took notice for a moment before pulling me a bit closer. His next request was one that I found difficult to do. "Mate first, healer second" He asked of me. "I want my Silken right now... not the healer.. I want my Mate here" Damn.. I was trying.. but it was always so hard to cut the two apart. Especially when it came to those I love. The private Woman Silken ... who loves and is soft hearted... pitched up against the cold heared bitch that is the healer. A fine line that is not so easily stepped to one side or the other at times. There was so much more that I needed to do for Ash... but He wouldnt hear of it. I listened as He spoke. The things He said.. were very hard to hear. The part about how I cast this shell around me in public... maintaining a certain distance from people.. and keeping myself protected while also providing a certain hardness to my facade. He told me.. He allowed this. Well gee thanks! Like He could ever stop the different parts of me... sheshh. He kept reminding me that we were alone... and it was here.. with Him that He wanted the other side of me. The softer side.. the feminine side. He wanted me to cry. I could not. Not yet. I always saw it as a sign of weakness.. so when I did do it.. it happened when I was alone or with one I trusted. Right now... it was contained deep inside me... held by that dark demon that lives within me. Eventually.. Ash grabbed me by my face. He held me in a way that His palms nearly swallowed up my cheeks. I tried to struggle to break free... I protested with soft whimpers. His touch was static. Tingling. Now forced to look at Him.. He posed several questions. What was I feeling? How did I feel? What did I want to do? I replied in how I wanted to grab Him and shake Him.. pound on His chest.. scream at Him for leaving me with this injury. I wanted Him to hurt... because I was hurting. I wanted.. several times to wake His ass up.. to feel the pain that He brought on.. and not His own physical pain but mine too. I was hurting.. and it was all His fault. I wanted Him to know that if He did this again... the injury better kill Him because if it did not.. I would. But that contradicts every else I said in that I didnt want Him to leave me. He said... "You thought I was going to leave you.. didnt you" I nodded... "That is what Mate's do.. they die.. they leave" That dark part of me.. the fearfull... scaired little girl part came out. I had to quickly try and reel it back in. I was sure Ash was going to backhand me when I clammed up. Effective a method as it is... it always brought out that side that I tried to contain. Pain usually does. I didnt feel that... He did not strike me... instead.. told me that.. He was here.. with me. This gave me the chance to pull back from within. I announced I was tired.. and I did not wish to discuss this further. Yet my hook was not taken fully.. only toyed with as He voiced "We will talk tomorrow" He pulled me to His chest.. took one of my hands in His and then pressed it to His chest. His own hand covered mine and then some. He forced me to feel His heart.. the beat.. the love. I closed my eyes... I felt the dark one escape back down... and I felt the rise of those hated emotions climb back up in it's place. But they did not come out. Ash brought me to the furs.. laying beside me. His hand still tightly encompassing mine. Somehow.. He was tired. I was tired. And though I battled against the increasing mist that closed my eyes... I failed. Slipping into a exhaustion I'd not felt in a long time.
When I woke this morning.. well what I thought was morning but turned out to be the next night... Ash was gone. I was told by the girl's.. He went to the stream to wash. Good. This gave me time to gather a few things and get my ass out of sight. At least till He got over this.. seeing the softer side of Silken. Damn tongue twisters. Say that three times fast.
I had my satchel packed.. windscarf up around my chin...and was getting my boots on when... I heard the heavy footfalls on the steps.
Busted...
I needed to hide.
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