For the life of me... I cant figure out that question... Who am I.. really? I know the basic. I am Silken. I am a Mate... a Mother and a friend. I am a Tuchuk.. a healer. I am a Woman. I am a bitch... and I am nice, sometimes. That doesnt help. I can list what I am... but not who. Who?! Am I just Silken? Just Silken with the red hair.. Silken with the attitude.. Silken with the sharp tongue.
In trying to find myself.. I discovered Ive become more lost. Ive always tried to do the right thing mostly.. sometimes I took the wrong path to that ideal at times. But mostly.. I try to do right. Maybe that makes me an adventurer. I am always seeking the next challenge.. the next obsticle to over come.. the next hurdle to take on. Or perhaps that makes me foolish. Ive been called a foolish silly Woman... even by someone I trusted. So that must be true. Maybe Im a dreamer.. always reaching for the next cloud.. the next level. Trying to get just one more step towards the unobtainable. Or maybe that makes me blind. Cannot I not see that I cant have everything? No matter how hard I try? Ahhh.. that makes me determined. That isnt so bad..... is it?
There's where I got bogged down. Stuck in this loop of words and self critique. And there's where I just kept crying... because I could not put my finger on what it was and what I am.
Now Ash comes back to the wagon and finds me sitting near the lamp. The window in the wagon is open... there is a light breeze that gains access to the room and it is cool though the night is hot. And there I sit.. staring at the light.. red.. puffy eyes. Tear stained cheeks. Pretty.. isnt it? For some reason.. He seemed to think so. He smiled. He was... pleased. He says He wants all of me... not just the parts I am willing to show. He wants the me that no one else gets to see. And while that is a fair request... I am having a hard time finding and figuring out.. just who that is. Whatever it is.. it is lost among what I have taken refuge behind. I dont even know who the real me is anymore. I dont expect Him to understand. I just wish He knew how hard I tried to give this to Him. How can you find what your looking for so desperately.. when you dont even know what it is your looking for in the first place? Still.. He is talking... encouraging and yet saying things that make me feel more helpless and more vunerable than ever. I started to cry again. Alittle at first.. then more. I was embarassed... ashamed. I wanted to hide when I couldnt catch my breath. Finally He asked me what I was feeling. I told Him.. I felt Him staring at me. Because I did. He pulled me to Him and held me... and the control I was trying to hold onto... broke. The wall had a crack in it and things ooozed out from behind it.
Emotions.
Mortar gave way in small flakes.. then chunks... bricks began to loosen and fall free to larger holes. Behind that.. the raw sticky sinew that is me was becoming.. exposed. It hurt.. it.. stung like salt in an open wound. I was.. scaired. So I stuck my finger in the open void and stopped the flow. I heard a little voice say.. "A little at a time. Slowly. No need to rush" I nodded against His chest to this inner conversation. I calmed down and eased my finger back. Nothing came out. Whatever was behind this wall... damned itself but still sloshed and rolled... waiting for the next time it could rise.
I was exhausted. Beyond tired. My eyes could not stay open.. mostly from the swelling. It was there... against Ash's chest.. in His arms that I relented to sleep. I may not have liked it.. but I felt lighter. He did not let me fall apart too quickly. He did not let anything in to poke and scratch at the rawness that was exposed. I was safe... in this cocoon that was Ash. In silence as I was lulled deeper to sleep... as I listened to His heartbeat... I asked...
Was it good for you?
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