Page 504 ~ Pointless

Ive done nothing much the past days. Ash has seen to it that I rest. All over a little broken arm. It makes me feel useless... just sitting about.. watching the fires.. watching all the fires. Here... at the healers wagons.. the Ubar's fires. And once.. they held a difference.. they burned differently... now... I see likeness in them all. Perhaps this is a good thing.. that I do not study the flames so intently as I once did... or... it could be bad... that I might be losing myself once again. I have had so much time to dwell on my thoughts that I am thinking way too deeply once again. Small little quirks have started to annoy me. I know they are hardly of concern.. but for me.. for my past ways of thinking... they bother me. Ive been nit-picking over things Ash says and does. Ive been stewing over things He doesnt do... not that He is perfect... but... I guess I just expected more. This is not to say Ive given up.. hardly. I intend to work hard at these quirks until they can be worked out.. or in the very least.. an agreement met.

Perhaps what set me off... was a conversation among the fire with Tarra the other night. How we missed those days when Men were Men. When a touch to the arm.. or to the cheek sent your blood to boil. About how our Men had little ways to make the heart skip a beat... the breath to pause in the lungs... those little special things that made you feel good. I know this conversation was more light of heart than in depth of meanings... but it did strike a chord in me that Ive been dwelling on since. Ash is a good Man.. a good Warrior. Our relationship is new... and love comes at different times... so Ive been told. I just dont want to feel like worthless property... never have.. never will. I would like to feel... like I am worth something more than... red hair and a wit of humor.

Then it comes down to that healer Man... coming to my fires to check on me. And then it comes down to Ash telling this healer He wants Him to continue to check on me. And then... Ongel wants payment for services rendered. Well... slit me from ear to ear and call me smilie. Fine... I told Ash where the vulo coop was and had Him get two hens for the healer. It turned out that Ongel had no coop... only hens running about His wagon grounds. I said I would have Talia stop by.. build Him a coop.. since that seemed to be what She was into at the moment. The conversation turned towards my daughter. My 14 year old daughter. Ongel asked if I had any children of age... so naturally.. I offered that Shanay was 24. This seemed to peak the interest of Ongel.. and Ash offered that He could have Shanay for the price of two vulo hens. Obviously.. if this was a joke.. I was not laughing. The two went on and on.. oblivious to my words.. ignoring me.. and down right pissing me off. At one point.. I became so enraged... I literally.. passed out. Thunking right down onto my platform. Still.. after I began to wake up... the Men continued. I... was still... not laughing. So I went to sleep. A few Ahn later... I woke to yelling outside the wagon. I rose and dressed.. to find my eldest son Dakota outside stalking the firepit. Cussing and talking about dismembering a few people. It seems He had heard of His sister and Her supposed claiming... and He demanded to know just who had allowed such to happen when He was Her Guardian. It took me several more Ehn to calm Him down to where He would listen. A full bota of paga later and my son was listening to reason. I said I honestly thought this was all a jest at my behalf. Dakota stating valid points that such a jest should not have been carried off to the main fire's and discussed... and especially.. His twin Sister... could not and would not be bought for the price of a mere two vulo. This... I agreed with. I asked Kota to breath.. and to let me find out just what had happened... I also assured Him that nothing would take place with Shanay without me speaking to Ash and even Ayguili if need be. I also reminded Him not to go off half cocked.. as that was partly my doing... I seemed to have instilled that in Him long ago. Taking His hand.. we sat at the fire.. staring into it... again. And just as He had done so long ago.. my son leaned over to rest His head to my shoulder. He allowed me to run my fingers through His hair.. comforting Him.. and if I could have.. I would have pulled Him to my lap and rocked Him. But He was so grown now.. a Man. Maybe... even He wanted some of that carefree innocence back.. and somehow ... I wanted it too. I wanted to be held and told everything would be ok. I wanted to hold Him and tell Him.. not to worry. This.. unspoken reassurance was enough though.. to satisfy the raging beast in Dakota.. enough that He left to sleep. Before I knew it.. the breaking morning light had begun to rise over the horizon. I quickly started breakfast for Aunt.. Ash and the kids. Going about my business like I had slept all night and just risen. Not much had been solved... yet.. when I left the camp to gather eggs and then returned... I saw the cage of vulo sitting on the platform. A shake of my head... and I wondered... just what the hell was going on. I sure as shit didnt know... but if this was some sort of joke.... it sucked... and someone was going to catch hell for it.