I left the stream with my eyes closed. The tears were flowing as were these dreaded emotions. I.. felt my way back. I didnt need to see.. and I didnt want to see.. didnt want to see the faces that surely were looking at me.. staring.. judging.. critiquing. I wanted to die.. just curl up under a wagon and melt into the dirt. I cursed my new found emotions.. I cursed Ash for working them free.
When I felt familar ground.. my safe zone.. my wagons.. I opened my eyes. Pried them open from swollen lids so I could place the key to the lock of the Nightmare. Jax walked by.. asking what happened? Was I hurt? Did someone hurt me? I answered Him in a sob of air... I tried so desperately to capture in my throat. Able to do nothing more than shake my head.. I entered and closed the door behind me. Jax climbed the steps.. knocking on the door.. "Talk to me... " He said. "Ive had enough talking.. go away.. please Jax.. go away." I said. I knew He stood outside for a few moments more... then I heard Him leave. He would go to the Forge.. He would tell Ash.. I would need to be ready. I had to compose myself.. I had to hide. Not in the physical manner.. but within myself. I was ashamed.. embarassed. I should not have felt what I did. But I do.
There I sat at my mixing table.. head in my hands.. going over what just happened. It started out as a simply relaxing moment at the stream. I had gone to gather up my laundry that was so hastily dropped yesterday. The water looked inviting.. so I took off my boots... rolled up my pants... set my satchel aside and plunked my feet into the stream. It was nice.. calming. I began to grow aware of the sounds. The clicking of the stream.. the folding of leaves in the breeze... the grass bending to the wind. Odd.. I never really paid much attention to this before... until now. This awareness was broken by the carry of words... Womanly words.. well.. a Woman spoke them.. but they were not... Womanly. It was Sev. Cursing up a storm and then some. She was covered in paint.. of all colors. I offered Her some parchment... even a canvas. She looked at me kinda funny. "You seem to have gotten more on yourself." I said. And She nodded.. proceeding to tell me that She was throwing a tantrum.. and this was result. Ah.. I nodded. We began to talk... and in doing so.. I opened up a can of worms I think. Regrettably.. in doing so. I think I caused more harm than good. She told me how Ayg had refussed Her Brideprice from Fonce. My heart skipped a beat. Damn. Now I felt guilty. I could only tell Her... it wasnt that bad. Could be worse... She could have been given away without a care for Her worth.. or value.. like some disease needing to be quarantined... like an old used up cloth tossed to the wind. For yes... that is how I feel. I also told Her... I did not believe in Guardian's making decisions for a couple. That I believed it should be up to the couple.. unless a really bad decision could be seen. If the Man was a louse.. a complete and utter dickhead... and with very bad intentions. I know.. for a fact.. Fonce is no such thing. I know.. they would be good together... Ive seen how they act.. Ive seen life behind His eyes for the first time in a long time. And I felt guilty that I was given this chance at love... and they.. had been denied.
No sooner did this revelation arise.. Fonce arrived. I saw Sev panic.. and the Woman in me knew... She feared Her appearance. I grabbed Her and quickly pulled Her into the water. I scrubbed.. rinsed.. washed... and even primped.. all to Fonce's amusement. I tried to cover the sticky nagging emotions that I swore were more visable on me than Seveya's paint. When we left the water... I did my best to try and get out of there post haste. I was uncomfortable. I was nervous. I inadvertantly slapped my head.. telling that little voice to shut up. It wanted me to talk to Fonce. I had not since I departed in my fight to tell Him my feelings. I had to dive into something.. I had to.. hide. But no amount of hiding would do. Fonce knew. He prodded... He poked that raw tissue that was exposed... what I had all these years.. worked so hard to guard. Again.. I cursed Ash for letting this happen. I shut down... reverted back to shadow dancing. Closed myself off so that the blood didnt start streaming from my eyes and ears. I went.. cold. Fonce said "talk to me.. tell me what one of you wants to say." Pegged... nailed... cruxified. Ow. I was hurting. I was in pain. I dont know why... I just.. wanted out.. I wanted.. away. It was when Fonce said my name... "Silken" that I peeled apart. Ash would have been proud.. though.. I dont think He would have been to happy about what came forth. I told Fonce.. I was sorry. I failed. But... everything I ever said.. had not been a lie. I stepped aside... I let the better man win. And I smiled at Seveya. He thanked me. He wondered that very question for some time... and I saw a bit of relief wash over Him. Me... I was bleeding from the fingertips. He asked me something of why I didnt come to Him.. talk to Him... and I said that I knew I was not good enough. I could not stand up. I backed down. I relented.. and in doing so.. I failed.. and again.. I told Him.. Yet.. I never lied. Ever. Fonce.. bless His soul.. did His best to try and convince me that... me not being good enough was a lie. I knew He tried to comfort me. My feet were bleeding now. Eventually it came down to Him telling me that He hoped I would still come talk to Him. I told Him perhaps someday.. but right now.. It still hurt. Drops of blood ran from my eyes. I gathered a breath.. only to have this loud.. sob catch in my throat. I swallowed it down.. they were staring... they could see the blood trailing down my cheeks.. I knew it. I felt it coming out from every limb.. I felt it behind my eyes... and I began to grow blind from the darkness. I had to get out of there. I wished them well.. I told them they were good together and I extended my utmost wishes for happiness and peace. Then I closed my eyes and walked away. I was safe in the darkness that no one could penetrate.
I made it to the Nightmare.. I collapsed over the table... and I cried. I screamed into the wood of the table and slammed my fists into the top till my voice simply gave up. Vocal cords burned... muscles ached. I sat then.. for Ahn's with my head in my hands. Confused. Angry. Ash made me open up. He made me trust in emotions. I wanted to scream.. I told you so! Cause I hurt... I fucking hurt. I hurt my friends... I tried to help.. and I made them feel worse. Thats when the little voice inside me said.. "You did well. You expressed emotion.. and look.. your still alive" I laughed... alive.... yes.. but Im bleeding profusely. "See?" I said outloud. But when I lowered my hands from my face.... there was no hue of crimson... no thick dried or sticky blood in them. There was only moisture.
And they were tears.
My tears.
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