After the discussion with Sev and Ash... I rode the red back to the Harigga.. back to the pens. Trading my red for a young brown that Wily had taken interest in... I had him saddled up and took the beast out of a test ride. He reined well.. responded to verbal commands and shifts of the weight and press of leg. So.. while we trotted along.. I began to think about things that had been said eariler... perhaps picking up on subtle inuendo's and some not so subtle... that Ash might have directed towards me. I began to think about the whole mess.. and I use mess because that is what it was to me... the whole mess of me liking Fonce. I knew early on that I was not one to.. peak His interest in any other way than a friend. It was my own stupidity that kept me trying to gain His interest. Ive become more atune to reading those body movements and now I can read the boskshit through the lines. Was Fonce somehow holding out an invisable hand pushing me back? Did He build a wall so high.. so thick and so long that nothing could get through? Yes. Towards me He did. He kept telling me to get to know Him. Yet.. how could I get thru... how could I know Fonce the Man without Him giving alittle towards me? I couldnt. I did what I could without breaking my own codes of ethics. I would not submit to lowering myself below my own ideal's just to get a foot in the door. Submit. Bad choice of words. No... I would not do that either. A Man is going to want me for me... not for what I think they want.. or in any way to get Him besides being me. I feel sorry for Fonce... that He is so guarded and cannot see life or people for what they have to offer... what most have to offer. Some are genuine.. some are flat out liars. I feel sorry for Him that He cannot see when someone is offering them their heart.. or even a piece of it. I feel sorry for Him that He cannot embrace those that love Him... those that want to help and comfort Him. I feel sorry for Him that He cannot grab hold of a chance... for chances sometimes turn out to be good. I understand His need to be guarded. I too am like that. You are afraid to let people in in fear that you might hurt them.. or they might hurt you... yet... if you dont.. if you dont allow a few shards of light inside.. eventually you are consummed by the darkness. I do not know what rages and torments Fonce deals with... I do not know what evil lurks behind the darkness of His mind... but I do know... that nothing I could have done would have shone a fragment of light to His soul. No matter what I had to offer... no matter what I gave.. no matter what I said. I was done before the first Tal was ever spoken. I am not bitter... infact.. I am relieved that I saw and heard what I needed to before it became to late. I love Fonce... I always will... but it is a love that is now reserved for someone close to my heart... much like a brother and friend. Anything else.. was a mistake. A one sided fuck up of a mistake. Tho.. several good things did come out of this expierence. I reconnected with Ash. A Man from my past... a Man that reminds me of who and what I was. He accepts every part of me.. good and bad. He helps me to walk back into life.. prepared to deal with things I ran from before. He does not allow me to hide... nor shadow myself in darkness. He vowed to stand beside me... not leading and not following.. but working together. He shows me that nothing anyone says or does matters to me. That I should not be concerned with petty shit some people try to throw my way. Hr promised to guide me through my troubles.. and that He would be standing on the other side.. waiting for me. For these few things alone... I am so thankful that Ash came back and that somehow in this twist of fate... we found our way to each other. My road of life has detoured once again... I travel down a new road.. an unfamilar yet familar trail. New highs.. new lows. New questions.. new answers.
From the Ashes... a great bird would rise...
Born anew to live again.
What if that great bird...
was a littlehawk
*A phoenix is a mythical bird with a colourful plumage and a tail of gold and scarlet (or purple, blue, and green according to some legends) It has a 500 to 1,000 year life-cycle, near the end of which it builds itself a nest of myrrh twigs that then ignites; both nest and bird burn fiercely and are reduced to ashes, from which a new, young phoenix or phoenix egg arises, reborn anew to live again. The new phoenix is destined to live as long as its old self. In some stories, the new phoenix embalms the ashes of its old self in an egg made of myrrh and deposits it in the Egyptian city of Heliopolis (sun city in Greek).
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