I dunno... but it hurts.
Ive fallen into a quiet routine. Comfortable... calming. Lil Bull grows bigger every day.. as if that was possible. He is already a hellion, a good mix of Ash and myself.. but full of fire and spirit. Wants what He wants.. when He wants it and wants it yesterday. Even when Im sleeping and He wakes up.. I can pretty much feed Him without fully opening my eyes. Instinct. More so a Mother's intuition.. its a beautiful thing.
I look down on Bull alot... as He lays in my arms. I see Ash in His eyes and mouth. He has my nose and facial shape. He has my flame colored hair but Ash's wavy contour. He has Ash's calming sense of awareness and my shoot from the hip attitude. Ahhhh..... I missed this time with Vee and Ess.. being how they were taken away from me.... but each day I find a way to subtly make it up to them.. but for me.. it will forever be missing.. even if they dont remember. I will. I notice also as Bull lays there nursing... the quiet. Only the sound of His soft breathing against my flesh. Then a more prominate sound creeps into my awareness. The beating of my heart. I dont remember hearing it so profound before. Maybe I just never paid attention... maybe it never had this rhythm to it... I cant fully explain it. But when I do take note of it... it starts to hurt. Not in a pain sort of way... more like an ache or a longing. More and more I realized that... it was not saddness... but... happiness that made this happen. No sooner did it slap me in the face with a Howdie-do.. wake the fuck up.. than today. Ash just.. showed up and there when my lil heart all pitter-patter.. ouchie. I happened to be... talking to my slave logan when He did. Immediately I handed the reins over to Him... I trusted Him to do what was right. He did.. and more so. I did not argue the fact that this girl had been mine for so long... but now was His. I did not even mention it for I assumed He knew it. Why would I ever think such? Me? The one that always tried to remain an individual and never give into the thought of a Man being.. over me? A Man being my better? Yet... today... I just gave her up without a fight. Like it was natural and hoo-hah.. big deal. I actually.. kinda liked it.. how He just stepped in and took over. Wasnt so bad. Actually... conveinent. I took the time to feed Bull while Ash spoke with the girl. To my surprise.. He suddenly began to shave her head bald. Now... I know logan is a pissbucket. Much like me.. but I couldnt believe the events that next unfolded. The girl actually.... liked it! Well like is a subtle word. She actually... was getting off on it. That.. DID.. bother me. But I had Bull in my arms.. her only saving grace from the slobbering and soaking down of Ash's boots. Any other time... I would have jumped up and thrown a hissy fit for someone doing that to my property. But this time... it didnt bother me. The bitch was His after all.. and if it pleased Him to do it ... well.. then.. it pleased me.
What the fuck is happening to me????!!!!!
Did I just say that? Really? It pleased me??? If it pleased Him?
No.... I dont get it.
So I put Bull down for a nap with Aunt and left to go soak in the stream. I need to think. But I really need answers.
Damn it... why?
Why did I hafta fall in love with someone so profound and different than me.
More so... how did He do it? How did He get inside.. deeper than anyone else and break down the wall that no one ever could.
Simple.
He cared. He loved.
And so do I.
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