... surrounded by a mountain of bowls.
For a moment I wondered... just how the fuck I was going to get back down the steps. Was I now trapped by my own hand in my own wagon from working myself into a corner? Seemed like it.. didnt it. I did start to stack and move the bowls around.. making a pathway at least from the platform to the doorway. The steps were another task... that would wait for now. Once inside the wagon.. I looked to the sleeping furs.... soft and inviting. But I hadnt had time to enjoy them... not really since the fire. Im sure its not just me. I know every healer.. Ongel.. Kaeli and everyone on down the line have been working tirelessly days upon days in restocking our supply of herbs.. medicines and bandages. I know Mezoo has helped... and I plan to thank Her as soon as I can with a nice basket of goodies. Children have been coming and going loaded with armfulls and baskets of wrappings. It was when I was stacking some of these bandages inside the wagon that I uncovered my journal. Flipping through the pages.. I saw that it had been ages since I last sat and noted my thoughts on the bound parchment. There was little time in my day for myself. Of my own doing of course. I always did retreat and work when things overwhelm me. Even Ash... had been gone long Ahn's.. and I rarely see Him outside of a Tal and how'dy do. It makes me think things that I dont want to. Of the past.. His and mine.. and I begin to wonder just which path I am going down again. But no... not this time. I wont let it happen. I cant. I swore if I failed again... I would be no more. I cant think about that now. Not with this new life growing within me. I see the pride in Ash's face seeing His unborn child resting so comfortably within my belly. I am big enough now that it cannot be hidden even under one of His tunic's. And I find myself gently stroking the swell of my stomach and talking quietly to the babe. I tell Him or Her that I will try my hardest to make sure He or She has their Father with them this time... that He wont disappear or abandon them. But even if that was to happen.. I would be there. I will always be there.
I headed back out to work... I needed to keep busy. I needed to keep the images and the sounds of that fatefull night at bay. I have not uttered a single word of what I saw or did... or how I felt since then.Ive kept it inside.. as most have... not wanting to relive it in any way.. shape or form. Perhaps it is unhealthy.. but it is what I need right now to survive it and remain composed. I cannot break down now... not for me.. for Ash or for the baby. In time... I will deal with it.. but now.. I must work. I must maintain.
I heard two voices from over the piles of bowls. Poking my head up.. I saw Ash and Tarra. She had brought herbs and powders to replentish into the stock. It was a welcomed jesture.. yet my mind could only see the glass as half full. I could only wrap my thoughts around how that one basket would perhaps last a day... and I needed to keep going. I needed to build the supply back up past a critical level. That's when the... discussion started. Tarra and Ash actually teaming up on me... making me see that I did not need to work so hard. And well.. Tarra... Mother Vulo She is.. and loved for it... got rather huffy with me. It was when She threatened to speak to Ayguili about slowing me down that I snapped. I wanted to break Her nose.. and I told Her so. She as always.. stood up to me with that.. "bring it on" attitude. I didnt want to hurt Her.. and I didnt really want to fight... so I just assualted Her with words. Somewhere about this time.. Ash stepped in like a wall between us. I started swinging.. clawing to get to Tarra.. I wanted so badly one of our knock down.. kick ass fights... but I also knew if I did.. my ass would be toast given my pregnancy. Eventually Tarra got some blue liquid and dumped it over my head... I broke free of Ash and gave Her braid a yank... something I know just irk's Her. We went round and round with words... not harsh.. but call me stupid it was a loving but brutal verbalization of emotions. Something I needed.. and perhaps something Tarra did as well. It was funny how in the end... we both switched sides and ganged up on Ash.. leaving Him backpeddling. Damn.. I missed that. I missed Tarra. And I was actually thankful and relieved when She said She would be checking on me more often.
So with Tarra on my side.. laughing... I grinned and returned to my work. Ash was not as joyous. He began to talk to me and I found myself wondering if He actually thought I was trying to hurt our child. Did He really think me that stupid that I would do anything to jepordize my health and our childs? I started getting angry.. which Ash tactfully uses against me. He uses it to bring out that which I dont speak of.. or am too afraid to speak aloud. I said something that I wished I hadnt. I spoke of my fear of my position being taken away. I didnt want anyone to know this.. because if I spoke it.. it could come true. I know what Tarra said about it being a Man's world.. hell.. I even brought it up. I know I have no say in the matter... but I have worked so hard to get where I am.. and I finally am there that I dont want anything to ruin it. Somehow I knew that if Ayg saw I was.. unable to fullfill my position as Clan Leader... head healer... He would give it away to someone else. Perhaps this is why I am so hellbent on throwing myself into work... to show them I can do it. I want to.
Please... dont take it away from me.
I wanted to run to Ayguili and pled my case before anyone else got to Him. I needed to find Him.. I needed to talk to my Ubar. I needed.... my sanity. But Ayg was nowhere to be found. I understood He was still Himself bogged down with work. I would have to wait.. but not without telling Jax to give the Ubar a message that I needed to speak to Him.
But I digress. So there I was... sitting on the platform amidst this sea of bowls.. listening to Ash and pouring my heart out when given a break to do so. I wound up promising I would slow down. I will. I promised... I mean to keep it. He scooped me up and carried me into our wagon and laid me to the furs. He held my braid in His hands... giving me a few tugs now and then when I started to drift off into that place I dont care to return to. he asked me how active our child was.. and I told Him.. more and more each day. He bent over at my request and spoke to my belly. His hand placed to the side of my swelling flesh. Even I knew the reaction to come. He whispered a greeting to the babe and my stomach rolled against His hand. No kicking yet... just that roll of acknowledgement. His smile was priceless and He even chuckled when the babe developed the hiccups... jumping against His hand. I mentioned to Him how I had the same thing with Vee and Ess.. and now that I think of it with Wily as well. I tend to wonder now if it is a boy thing.. and perhaps Ash might just have the son He so ardently desires. But... He had me lay back and took some oil that I made.. and began to massage it into my skin. From neck to feet... slowly... gently... He covered every hort. When He finished.. I was drawn to lay half over Him.. my head on His chest while He ran His fingers through my hair. Be it the reverberation of His voice so deep in His chest combined with the lull of His heartbeat to my ear... I was drifting asleep.
When I woke this morning.. Ash was gone.. and once I rose and dressed... I stepped outside to find the bowls had disappeared too. For a moment I wanted to scream and raise hell... but my promise light kicked in and I sat to the steps like a lost sleen pup.
What the hell was I going to do with all this time?
I grinned... lifted off the steps and headed to my supply wagon. Taking out that bluish tinted jar I then found myself off on a journey to a few wagons. Fonce and Sev'ies... Tarra's... Mezoo... Cana... and Ayguili to start.
The Mistress of Itching Powder....
had returned.
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