He left me... in a pain I'd not felt before. I didnt know what to do with myself. I didnt know what to say.. I couldnt even speak. I saw hurt in His eyes and it was because of me. My lack of being able to communicate had me.. stumbling and scanning words that even the simplest phrase sounded.. naive. It was this hesitation that caused the entire spiral downfall of the evening. From Him teaching me a lesson I would not soon forget to learning that sometimes just saying what's on your mind is better than thinking of what your gonna say.
I had never felt like an object more so than I did that night. I felt less of a person and it disturbed me because... I'd been a slave before. I had been used and discarded moments later without a care in the world for my comfort. But this was my Mate that instilled such terror within me.. fear that I never wanted to feel like that with Him again. Had I closed myself off in such a way that He had no connection to me other than just a vessle of flesh and blood? Had I become so narrow minded that I could not see He was hurting too over the events that unfolded within the Tribe. Were my own selfish needs once again pushed up like a wall to say... Stay Out! No Tresspassing.
Aparently so.. because He opened the wound and let me feel my own blood. He lanced me with reason and everything oozed out.. sticky and hot. My own tears coating flesh and the ground.. baptizing us both with a rebirth of emotions.
Emotions.
Skies.. how I hate them. I dont understand them. I cant figure them out and I certainly have not mastered them. I know I love Ash. I feel it every moment I am away from Him... but I cannot say it.. as often as I hoped to. I also know this really bothers Him.. and He is tired of the battle He says I give Him in my lack of expression. I thought.. He would see it in my smile when He returned home from a long days work at the Forge. I thought He would feel it.. when I visited Him on Duty. Surely I thought He would feel it in my kisses and my desire to be against Him. But all those things didnt matter.. because I rarely got a reaction to my attempts. I thought ... maybe He wasnt that type of Man... wanting a Woman to approach Him with affection. Maybe He wanted to be the one to make the moves.. and perhaps by me going to Him... He lost interest in me. I just didnt understand that He too was feeling the emotions of the fire. I couldnt see past my own hurt... I didnt see His. But He made me feel it. And...... I dont like it. I sulked for days after. Avoiding people and places where I knew I would expected to present a happy face and conversation... where in all truth.. I just wanted to hide the shame I felt for hurting Him. I cried rivers of tears... to the point it left me shaking and gasping for air. After all was said and done... it proved nothing.. I gained nothing and was left with no resolution. Useless emotions. I had wallowed in my own guilt and fears of losing my position to the point I closed off. End of objection. Story over. It was all my fault. And somehow.. that big lug just turned everything I was feeling around to show me that I was the wrong one. Cut me just alittle deeper next time.. Im sorry.. I didnt bleed enough for you. He left me hurting.. He left me wanting... craving and desiring. He left me with guilt and remorse. He left me confused. He left me with a box of riddles to which I had no answers....... but....... not for long.
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