Page 527 ~ Growing pains

I saw the look in Ash's eyes tonight. I saw.. pride. I saw.. beauty. I saw me. Damn Him for always finding a way thru the darkness to reach in and pull me out. I still swear that I am more comfortable in that darkness.. deep down in the abyss where nothing can touch me. But Ive also had a taste of life and living the way it should be... and I want that too. He mentioned finding a happy medium. I only hope there is such... and I can be a part of it.

Now... Ive seen the look in Men's eyes... watching their Mate's as they carry their unborn child. Ive seen my own Mate's over the many years and many children.. but none can compare to Ash. Perhaps each is different and that is what I am seeing. But for me.. for this moment.. this is profound. The touch of His fingers against my belly... the reaction He gives in a smile or a sudden hold of breath as the baby kicks against His hand. He makes me more beautiful in just the way He looks at me.

My concerns at this point are few. The ache is subsiding with the lessened work load. I am quite big already... and I worried that it might be twins. Yet my own exam and study have reveiled only one heart beat. Strong too. The babe seems large.. larger than any of my previous. But Ash is not a small Man. If I had any concerns for the birth it would be the size of our child. Nature finds a way. Bodies adjust. Yet being a healer... I unfortunately know the drastic turns a body must take to accomadate a large child. My girl's were small.. labor was hardly a tick of time. Wily was my most difficult... lasting three days of pain but a quick birth when the time arrived. Already this child is bigger than He was. I try not to show Ash that I am scaired. I do not want Him to worry. He see's how the babe enjoys the kicking of a rib or lung... and now finds comfort in bouncing on the bladder. Adds for fun when you suddenly need to run off and pee. The nausea is much much less.. which I am thankful for. Only the occassional bout of heave's when the baby is testing out arms and legs.

I have also started to clean out a small wagon and fill it with supplies. I managed to save a trunk of clothing from the fires. And this was brought into the wagon where the rest of the furs and blankets will be stored. I have all the furs ready that will be brought outside for the birth... and I have begun to made a small fire pit near the wagon. It is no secret that Tuchuk Women give birth outside... under the Sky and not within the confines of a wagon. I have seen many a Woman in labor for days in the comfort of their furs inside their sleeping wagon.. some in such pain they can hardly breath or move or utter a word other than a scream. Yet... tell them the baby is coming and they are up.. walking outside and depositing themselves on the area set up for the birth. It is.. the way of life.

I have yet to discuss the how's and what's of this child's birth with Ash. I do not know His feelings on how much if anything.. He wishes to do. While Ive delivered most of my children on my own save the Father being there to do the actual delivery.... I have had Tarra there and Shanay to assist should anything go wrong. Ive always enjoyed having the Father there to bring their child into the world.. as it creates a bonding moment deeper than just Him just watching. This child is no different. I want Ash there and I want Him to take His child in His hands as He or She takes their first breath of life. It is perhaps the biggest thing I am looking forward too.

And since we seem to have a knack for talking.. for discussion.. I plan to make a very nice quiet dinner tonight for us. Alone among the fire light... it will be time to talk about the fastly approaching birth of our first child together.

I only hope He isnt... squimish.