I had packed this old journal away many moons ago. There was little time to sit and reflect on things as they happened. Much had changed... some has not. The people still thrive.. still work and play.. yet.. we have grown distant to those that once shared the warmth and fun of the first fires. The move came and went... more of habit than on orders. The Ubar has not been seen.. at least by me. I have not seen Tarra or Kam.. Fonce, Sev... or anyone for that matter. I wondered for the longest time if I had sleptwalked into another place.. another time or perhaps the outer wagons and just didnt know it. Everything around me is familar.. my wagons, my children and Ash... but those that filled it with the love of family and friendship.. seem to have all but disappeared.
I found the move to be.... lonely. With most gone... it is He that has taken up alot of the work and duties among the first fires. While I would never complain.. at least to Him for I know what He does ... He does out of love for the people.. I cannot deny how it makes me feel. Its not an abandonment type feeling.. but I do feel second to other things. Still... I press on. As I have always done... just a constant familar redheaded becon for those that may return to a familar spot.
The children grow strong and well. Each coming into their clan.. and into their own skin. They still hover over me at times when Im down... or just plain ole feeling sorry for myself. Ash's son, Bull talks up a storm when He is given the chance. I love to sit and listen to His tales and just smile at how much He reminds me of His Papa. He knows I miss His Father very much by the way I just hug and cuddle Him. Though now.. He squirms from me and claims that He is "jus too big ta be baby'in" With them all off on their own adventures of growth.. I am left with much time on my hands to wallow. If Ash were here... He'd be damned to let me sink like this. So... I do my best to keep my head above that abyss that always threatens to swallow me whole.
Tonight.. I think about the choices I made. Were they the right ones? Is this how its supposed to be? Ive asked this before.. Ive gotten advice... but...
this time...
there is no one around to talk to.
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